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Scared and Angry


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My story is probably similar to some and crazy to many, but here it goes.

I met this girl online and we messaged back and forth and after some time we had decided to date. Second or third date she asked if I wanted to go to the bedroom (we were making out on the couch). I'm a guy, so I said sure. As we were getting undressed she asked if I had a condom. I had not expected sex so I did not. She asked if I was clean, I said yes, she asked if I was absolutely sure and I said yes I haven't had sex in a year or so, so I asked her if she was clean and she assured me she was and we had sex. One day a few months into our relationship I noticed a sore on the inside corner of my mouth that hurt and burned and I told my girlfriend and she started crying. I said why are you crying, I'm the one with the cold sore it doesn't hurt you.And then she told me, "I may have given you something", I said what are you talking about? And she said I have Herpes.

I was stunned. I didn't know what to say. She said she would understand if I dumped her, but in my mind I figured I was screwed and would never find someone so I said we will work it out, and we continued dating and I proposed to her and we started planning to get married. I told her the most important aspect to marriage to me was going to be sex and intimacy otherwise you're roommates who share bills and have occasional sex. She said she understands and we started having more sex. Up until I said I DO, and it all went downhill from there. Sex became non-existent. I asked my Doctor about testing me for Herpes and he said if I had a cold sore I would test positive for Herpes. This was in 2008 ish, and either he was to lazy or they couldn't test for 1 or 2?? But he said if I never had a Genital Outbreak then I would be fine. I really only married her because I thought she had ruined my life and I had no choice. I know, it's stupid. Well needless to say our marriage broke up and she moved out last October and the Divorce was final this past March. Two weeks after the Divorce was final she posted in Social Media that she was in a Relationship. So, I lit into her, not for most likely cheating on me before the marriage ended, cause we hadn't had sex in a few years together, and I was cheating as well, but I asked her if she had told the new guy she had Genital Herpes and she said it's non of my or his business. And I said, how are you in a relationship, if he doesn't know the whole truth so he can make his own decision? I said are you going to wait until he's infected before you tell him like me? I told her if on day one as we were getting undressed and you said you had Herpes I would have said I was going for a condom and never come back or talked to her again. I told her I only married her because I felt she had ended my life and once I had found out that I was probably not infected I was done with the marriage and the only reason I stayed was because we had great Neighbors and I loved where we moved and had started a Business.

I am now ready to find another relationship yet I am haunted by the thought that I could be carrying the virus and pass it to another partner. I have never had any genital outbreaks and never have had another cold sore although if I get a pimple by my mouth I freak out.

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Hi, @Angryandhurt, and welcome. It's time to find a new doctor and ask for an IgG blood test (not IgM) to see if you truly have HSV or not, and if so, learn which type you have. It's possible you don't have herpes at all, and the sore in your mouth was unrelated. (It is possible.....I tested positive for HSV1 and HSV2 about a year after my divorce--I had no clue I'd acquired it 20 years earlier. I told my ex-husband of 15 years and he tested negative for both soon after.)

 

Regardless of the outcome of future testing, this is an excellent time to learn more about herpes and how it's transmitted. Condoms help prevent transmission, but it's not a guarantee since the virus can exit the skin (without any symptom whatsoever) anywhere in the boxer shorts region and infect a partner as a result. A great place to start is this website and also this short handbook: https://www.westoverheights.com/herpes/the-updated-herpes-handbook/

 

There is an excellent chance you will run into HSV again. 87% of those infected have no idea they have HSV because they don't have symptoms and most doctors don't include it in an STI panel. The vast majority of American adults have oral HSV1, but only a third of them ever have a cold sore. Transmitting oral HSV1 to the genitals through oral sex is becoming much more common, although acquiring oral HSV2 from someone who has genital HSV2 is extremely rare. This infograhic shows just how prevalent the viruses are: http://projectaccept.org/who-gets-hsv/

 

From one divorcee to another: deleting your ex from social media feels pretty amazing. You'll want to use that time and energy to make your own life even more awesome than it already is, with or without herpes. :)

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