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Newly Diagnosed and need some support.


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Hey all,

 

Im 21 years old and I was diagnosed on Wednesday. First off I don't really know how to feel. I feel kinda dirty and like i don't deserve to be with someone who doesn't also have herpes. Secondly I don't know if I should leave the man I'm with to save him.

 

I have to be honest I never thought this would happen to me. I typically try to be extremely safe and I try to take all the right steps to make sure I do things properly, but I've slipped up obviously and have made a few bad choices. So now I have something that others don't like. Im having trouble being okay since I found out. I am currently with someone who says he doesn't care and says that it doesn't change how he feels about me and he still wants to be with me. Which is so sweet and all but I feel like I should leave and save him the problem of dealing with me and this. He hasn't had any symptoms and he also doesn't have health insurance because he is a fisherman and self employed so he can't just go and get the blood test. I feel like I shouldn't have someone like him and I feel like I should leave because I don't deserve him.

 

How do I stop feeling so down on myself and how do I feel like I'm enough and this isn't my fault.

 

Thanks in advance

 

 

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Welcome, @1234321123. I'm more than twice your age, and when I found out I have HSV1 and HSV2 about 18 months ago, I felt very much like you do. The thing is, 90% of people who have herpes have no idea they have it because they don't have symptoms or they think their mild symptoms are something else. This makes transmission possible no matter how careful you are. Herpes is just a virus. On it's own, it doesn't make someone a poor choice of partners. And it doesn't seek out bad people to infect. That's just the undeserved stigma that's out there. I acquired herpes two decades ago from someone I always used condoms with. What all of us on this forum know now is that doctors and the public are grossly uneducated about herpes and how it's spread.

 

The initial diagnosis can be a big blow to most people. It's very normal to feel down for a while. I liken it a lot to the grieving process...because for me this was a loss...and sadness is part of the healing process. With time and some work, herpes can indeed be an opportunity. I feel 100x more confident and stronger and love myself more than before I was diagnosed. Seeing a therapist helped me tremendously, as did learning as much as I could about herpes, exercise, getting outdoors and hiking, spending time with friends, journaling, meditating, etc. If you have family/friends you trust you can talk to, that also helps many people. It's a little different for everyone. For now, just know it's okay to grieve. We just don't want you to stay stuck in grief forever. :-) {{hugs}}

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I know it's hard to think this way at this point, but it might help if you can remember that your boyfriend is not choosing between taking an HSV risk with you and being "safe" with someone else. Roughly 80% of adults have HSV of one type of another. The CDC does not recommend routine testing and symptoms can be very mild or non-existent, so most people who have it don't know it. For people who want to proactively avoid contracting HSV, the CDC recommends either celibacy or long-term monogamy with a partner who has recently tested negative. So unless your boyfriend is the type to test for HSV with new partners and then only proceed with those who test HSV-free, he will likely encounter HSV with other partners frequently and may already have it himself. Just throwing that out there to give you a different perspective.

 

I disclose to all prospective partners and have found that most are unaware of their HSV status. Also, most have been very accepting. I don't really see it as giving them a choice to take a risk or not because it is a risk most people take frequently without knowing it. I am simply bringing to their attention that the risk exists in this specific case in the spirit of full disclosure. Prior to my own diagnosis, I would've wanted partners to treat me similarly. I would not have appreciated them "saving" me for my own good. I would have wanted them to allow me to make my own choices. Different people manage risk differently. Having said all that, I do take precautions (antivirals, condoms) to minimize transmission risk to partners.

 

 

 

 

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"Different people manage risk differently." What @optimist said is so true!! I love to skydive and hike alone. Why? I love both activities and I'm more than happy to assume a small risk so I can continue to enjoy those activities. I can educate myself, make good decisions, take what precautions I can, then be at total peace with my decisions. I always tell my friends and family that if I died while hiking, I went out doing something I loved and I don't regret it for a second.

 

When I was first diagnosed, I knew I would not accept someone with HSV if the roles were reversed. That was entirely because of the stigma. Now that I can see through the stigma for the bullshit that it is, it makes perfect sense to me that some people may think, "What's the big deal? A small chance of skin irritation in exchange for being with someone I'm crazy about? The truly awful thing would be not being with this person!"

 

I'll be the first to admit it took me well over a year to get to that point. :-) But it sure feels good now that I'm here!!

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Hi, @thsbtch. Is it possible you could have acquired the viruses before your ex? I only mention it because I found out I also have HSV1 and HSV2 about a year after my divorce. I told my ex-husband of 15 years and he tested negative for both. I probably acquired HSV1 as a child or teenager like many people, but that meant I must have picked up HSV2 from one of a handful of partners I had before my ex-husband and didn't realize it all that time because my symptoms were so mild.

 

(And who knows--maybe your ex does have HSV and has never been tested or is just in denial. I just throw that out there to say that transmission between two partners is not always a given. I'm still surprised by it!)

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