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Rough night


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Hi all,

 

I am mentally having a rough night. I just need some reassurance and support. I feel like I'm no longer the happy carefree person I was before my diagnosis. I try hard, I really do. And some days are better than others. I can't help but see myself differently whenever I think of what I have to deal with for the rest of my life now. The constant worrying about whether I'll have an outbreak or what will trigger one. Or if this feeling means the virus is active or an outbreak is coming or is it just a random feeling. I want to just live and be happy and not have to think about any of this. I know that the virus is super common and my mind is blowing it out of proportion. I'm just having a rough night and kind words of encouragement and support would be much appreciated

 

Thanks in advance

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@ash2018 Let yourself be sad tonight.....grief (like the loss of total sexual freedom, a loss to some degree of your health, the loss of control and not being able to figure all of this out right now) does not rise up the graph chart in a straight line. It looks like a bunch of ups and downs which ultimately trends upward.

 

A researcher at UCLA found that simply naming a negative emotion that you're feeling reduces your amygdala response by half. Half! I have this list posted in my bathroom to help me when I feel upset and can't quite put my finger on what the emotion is: https://www.cnvc.org/sites/default/files/feelings_inventory_0.pdf

 

Yeah, I'm that much of a nerd. :)

 

{hugs}

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@HikingGirl Thank you. I definitely see this as a period of grieving, for so many things. Its amazing how one day I can be like "okay, this isn't so bad, I can live with it" and then the next I'm in tears wanting to crawl under a rock for the rest of my life.

 

I called and spoke with a counselor from the employee assistance program offered through my job. This program assigns you a care coordinator who then sets you up with a counselor/therapist in the area where you can get up to 6 free sessions in any given year, totally paid for by my employer. Which I think is pretty awesome. I got a counselor on the phone tonight as it was after normal business hours (you can talk to them too, but I want the face to face interaction, I NEED to talk to someone in person aside from my fiance and medical professionals). I requested to have help setting up time with a local therapist. When she asked what was going on and said that details would help set me up with the most fitting therapist, I was so scared to say the "H" word out loud. It doesn't really bother me to hear other people say it (as long as it isn't being used in a joke) and I've said it to my fiance and the midwife who diagnosed me, but I was terrified to say it to a stranger. I was already crying but I really started bawling just saying "I was diagnosed with genital herpes". I think it was slightly cathartic. I'm really hoping that these sessions are helpful for me. I would love to get my life back on track and get back to enjoying it. My common theme in the crying I've done the past two days has been "I just want my life back".

 

Right now I'm watching some of Adrial's videos, first up is the interview with Ella Dawson. Reading her writing and hearing her speak soothes me in a way. I wish I could own this like she does!

 

Thank you again, for being the sole individual to reach out to me at such a low point <3

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Hi ash2018,

First, I'm sending you big hugs . I completely understand the emotional ups and downs. I understand the feeling that your life will never be the same and I've also said a million times that I just want my old life back , I miss the me I used to be. You are not alone . Just reading the stories on here , reaching out for support will help you get through the rough moments. It's not easy , I know. It's affected me emotionally for a long time , it's made me feel at times that I've ruined my life & it's made me envious of people who get to have a "normal" life and not worry about this stupid virus . I know that for all of us dealing with this it really is our minds 'blowing it out of proportion ", but it's how we feel .. don't beat yourself up for having feelings & emotions around this . It's ok to be sad or angry or scared ... you sound like a very strong person , and with support I have no doubt you will get through this & be happy again :) I'm always here if tot need to talk . Take care !

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@Answersneededplz thank you so much! I appreciate your reply and please know that I'm always here to talk if you need to as well :) It has been a roller coaster to say the least. I have days where I feel almost like my normal self and really feel like "okay, I can do this" and then I have days where I want to crawl under a rock and cry and never come out. I did reach out to the employee assistance program at my work as they offer a program where I can be matched with a therapist or counselor for up to 6 free sessions. While my work provides it, its through a separate company so its totally confidential. I heard from my care manager today that they are working on matching me with a therapist and that I should hear by the latest on Monday. I think that talking to someone in person aside from my fiance will help me. I have some friends that I know would be supportive, but right now I don't want to tell them. I'm not ready for that.

 

I'm hoping that with time I can get back to a normal and happy life

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I completely understand that . I have not told anyone , and that definitely makes it feel lonelier . I think it's wonderful that you are reaching out to a therapist . I think you're right , that talking about it to a neutral person will help you to get all of the feelings and thoughts about it out in the open and give you the one on one support to help you heal :) I wish you all of the best through that process . I too have my good and bad days . I was diagnosed about 15 years ago & for the most part was doing ok... until about 2 weeks ago when I got what I believe was my 2nd outbreak. It brought back a lot of the emotions and shame I felt when I was first diagnosed ... and I was *just* starting to feel ready to date again :( . I know too what you mean when you say you worry about every little "feeling" being another outbreak... I feel like I constantly worry about that . It truly messes with your head doesn't it ? Please, if you would like , keep me updated on how therapy goes. As much as I don't want anyone else to go through this , it's nice to finally talk with someone in a similar situation who really gets it. I wish you all of the best ! You & I will both get through this & be a lot stronger for it ! :)

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@Answersneededplz thank you, I'm definitely hoping that reaching out to a therapist will be helpful! I've never been to one and don't know what to expect, but I'm excited and hopeful that it will be helpful for me. A positive way to look at your situation is that you got to live a totally normal life for 15 whole years without the virus having any impact on you! Once you get through this rough patch, maybe you can get another 15 years or longer (or forever!) before it has any impact :) It is crazy how this does mess with your head. I hate not being sure of what I'm feeling or whats going on in my own body, and that has been one of the hardest aspects for me to deal with.

 

I totally agree, I wouldn't wish this on anyone, but having someone who truly does understand what its like is nice! I have no doubt we will both be fine :)

 

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Well, I wouldn't say it was a perfectly normal 15 years :) It has definitely impacted the way I feel going into a new relationship... always worrying when I'm intimate with someone that I'm going to pass it to them .. I haven't dated in awhile & am worried that I'll be alone forever . I've been so worried ( although there are definitely other reasons that have nothing to do with the HSV) and scared to date that it's been easier to push people & feelings away . So now here I am alone with no children & a little worried that this is it :( but , in regards to the physical impact of the virus , I think I've been pretty fortunate. I'm just hoping it stays that way. I agree, the feeling that you don't have control over your own body is one of the hardest parts . I keep trying to remember that there are so many worse things that could be happening, but sometimes it's hard to put things into perspective when your in the middle of dealing with something difficult.

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