Late night herpes rant...

So I've contracted anal hsv1 6 months ago(I say anal bc out of my 3ob including my initial, I haven't had any around my vag). It has definitely been an eye opener. I'll never forget the night I got it. There was no penetration, just skin to skin contact...I had just shaven with a dull razor...2 weeks later I got horrible symptoms and the worst phone call ever. I cried and cried, the guy who gave it to me called me "dirty". I'll never forget it...the same day I found out, I disclosed horribly to someone I was interested in. He never spoke to me again after that. That made me feel worse. I had serious suicidal thoughts and I was beyond depressed. It was a process getting to where I am now. I shut myself out from everyone and just researched until I was informed and more comfortable. I've disclosed 5-6x's with only 1 rejection. I haven't had sex with all the people I disclosed to but it made me feel soooo much better knowing that they didn't look at me any different. Now I'm so much more confident, there are times I think of the guy who gave it to me and I do get upset. Sometimes at myself for not being more cautious. Sometimes at him for how he reacted or even that he gave it to me. But then I think, what if he didn't know? What if he was afraid? Of course it isn't right but being on this side of the h-line, I can sort of understand. Me personally, I'd die just knowing I hurt anyone by not disclosing or by passing it onto them. As far as dating, I haven't really been dating much. I've been chatting with guys but having H as made me very picky. I'm more attentive to how they are towards me. If it seems like they're only after sex or just looking for someone to pass their time or heal a wound created my someone else, I cut them off. Why waste both our time or even bother to disclose when I know this is a temporary situation? I'm more sure of what I want now more than ever and I refuse to settle. I haven't had sexual encounters in 5 out of the 6 months just for personal reasons. Again, I do want something more serious so why disclose for a quick fling? And if it's awful I'm going to be highly upset lol. There are times though that I still battle with my brain. I wonder if I'm ever going to find the one? When my next rejection will come? If I'm ever going to receive oral again(boy do I miss it haha!)? Just a bunch of things. But then I step back and look at all the positive. I'm finally learning myself and what I want. I'm finally becoming a strong woman. I'm finally not settling out of fear. I love that feeling and how far I've come...

This gave me a big smile just to read it! I related to what you said on so many levels, even though I haven't gotten back into dating yet (still healing from a divorce). And the last few sentences......just awesome! Thank you for taking the time to share. I know when I first started reading these boards, it was incredibly comforting to read that other people were getting on with their lives and that their lives were, in many ways, BETTER than before herpes. Sounds like you've truly seized the opportunity, @Learningtolive!

Thank you for reading and commenting. Dealing with my situation has definitely had its ups and downs. I do constantly have those internal battles. But I must say it isn't all bad. It's definitely a learning experience that I can appreciate as weird as that may sound. I'm so sorry to hear about your divorce but you know what. Once you overcome, you'll be 2x's as strong. Of course the road to recovery is a tough one. But once you reach that end point, man it's the best feeling in the world. So you've got this! These forums have been so great to me. Waiting for the day I post my success story here. Again thank you for commenting, it made my morning :) @hikinggirl

Wow. look at you finding the opportunity in all this! Personally, I'm seeing it not only as a reason to keep my body healthy and my stress under control, but also a reason to pursue serious relationships rather than just flings.

You'll get back out there when you're ready and you'll be a stronger woman now.

Good news for you is that HSV1 is the more common virus and, from what I've read, not likely to spread genitally to someone else who already has HSV1. And doesn't shed as often.

Hello... I loved reading your post so much. I have also been very picky with who I date or have sex with. I can definitely relate to you on that. I was less picky before. I was sort of just in it for the intimacy, and I had sex with my friends and look where I am now. I have stopped doing that. I have been taking better care of my body and trying to work on my stress level..

I like a guy that I met on a camping trip. We live about 4 hours from each other and I might see him soon. I want to have sex with him so bad, but like you said, why have that conversation with someone knowing it's only going to be temporary or in my case not going anywhere? He's also a germaphobe so I'm worried that he'll be disgusted with me. When did you find the right time to disclose?

Yea I can definitely relate to you on the intimacy thing. Been there and done that haha! Honestly I'm a veryyy private person so it takes a lot for me to want to disclose to someone. I pay attention to their vibe, how they are when I'm around and when I'm not around, the connection we have. Once I feel in my gut that I'm ready, I go for it. Always trust your instict. Honestly out of everyone I disclosed to, I've only had 1 rejection. Hoenestly I feel that it was the way I disclosed bc I thought I was "dirty" and he was one of those temporary guys that I now stay away from. @onedayworthit

I get so angry about all the misinformation about herpes. The facts are that around 1 in 5 people have HSV and of those up to 90% don't know they have it, because they get little or no symptoms. The medical community doesn't even see it as an issue because often HSV isn't included in STD testings. Without having an outbreak, the odds of transmission are extremely low, even lower if taking antivirals daily. Many people have had decades of unprotected sex, with the same partner, and never gave it to them. Remember that number, 1 in 5, next time you're in a crowed room. Then also remember 90% of those people don't know they have it. Lets stop the ignorance and fear about a virus that nothing more than an inconvenience at most.

Yes! @dave I am with you 1000%! Before doing my research, the stigma made me feel worse than actually having it.

And get this, the Flu virus kills up to 49,000 people every year, yet we are more afraid of herpes. When I was diagnosed I felt like a leper, that no one would ever want me and that I'd never have sex again. The stigma is so unwarranted and stupid. I can understand the drug companies not wanting to change this image but don't get why the medical community isn't helping to change things.

Oral has been a huge concern for me too :( but i do agree with you!! I feel like im going to be so much more picky with my new diagnoses. Thank god though. I was horrible at picking men before.

Lol yes I do agree with that @omei