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STILL can't move forward-- basically haunted by the a-hole liar who gave me herpes.


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Two years ago, my obviously now ex bf gave me HSV-1. I don't know whether it traveled downstairs as well, but it's entirely likely. IMO, HSV-1 is worse than HSV-2. At least you can hide HSV-2, and you don't have to disclose until you're about to have sex. With HSV-1, you have to disclose if someone you're on a second date with wants to taste your acai bowl. Then they find out, and respond like I transformed into the hunchback of Notre Dame.

 

I have nightmares about this ex frequently, and he gave HSV to me two years ago. Two years ago. Yet I'm still haunted in my mind on a regular basis. I see him around my town randomly, and he now has a new GF who he told about the HSV (I introduced myself to her and immediately asked if she knew about the herpes, which he and she said she did). I'm so hurt that he could lie to me (three times he had the opportunity not to lie the entire time we were dating), and yet had no problem disclosing to her. I'm frustrated that he probably "learned his lesson" at my expense.

 

I'm frustrated that I still can't find a partner because they all don't want to get oral herpes, but the liar a-hole seems to have no problem meeting a new gf. I already struggle with feeling very unloveable. I've never had a boyfriend tell me he loved me or ask me to be his girlfriend. I'm almost 32. I'm perplexed that I remain single despite the fact that I'm extremely loving and giving, I have a solid career, I'm kind, and I'm doing well for myself as a single woman. People say I'm beautiful all the time (which at this point is getting almost annoying because if they only knew...)

 

And then I remember that I have oral herpes, on top of it already being SUPER hard to find a partner in my town and at my age. I'm traumatized, haunted, hurt, lonely, exhausted, and getting increasingly hopeless that I'm ever going to meet a life partner and have a real love-based relationship. I'm also trapped in my current town where I run the risk of running into the liar every time I walk out the door. My job contract ends in over a year.

 

I don't know how anyone might be able to help me, but I know I need help. I'm basically going crazy with this *sshole trapped in my memory. And yes, he's an a-hole. Anyone who knowingly lies to someone for 8 months straight, three times, and who doesn't care about other people's health and wellbeing, and leads people on is an a-hole.

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Herpes isnt the issue here.. you know its much more unusual for someone NOT to have hsv-1 right? If you make out like its a huge deal and disclose it to people, then you're gonna seem crazy and that's what will put people off. You can't assume its travelled south.. it much prefers the oral area, and you really need to avoid assumptions when dealing with herpes.

 

Sorry but your ex isnt an a-hole for the reason you gave. Put him in the rear view mirror, look up the hsv-1 ORAL rates to ground yourself, and move on. Even if he was an a-hole, anger's never worth carrying around.

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Huh? So you're suggesting that if I actually tell people that I know I have HSV1, and care about not doing to them what someone did to me-- knowingly withheld the truth about their health status and gave someone a permanent disease-- it makes ME look like the crazy one? Fuck that. Adrial, IDK what kind of a website you have going on here but this is not the helpful resource I thought it to be.

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I agree with you. If this person knowingly had it and did not disclose, it is an affront to humankind. You now get to have this forever...I think you should consider a lawsuit. I am sick and tired of men and (women) getting away with infecting someone because they are coward-less pieces of shit. I have had this for 17 years. I have told every single potential romantic partner. I am certain the person that gave it to me had an idea he had it because of some details at that time. I have looked this up. Each state is different. I know it might seem impossible to do this, because it is extremely hard to prove that he actually gave it to you. However, he must have known he had it if he told the next person, so he could at least be penalized financially or something for negligence. It is probably hard to get a lawyer to take this on, though. I am so sick of idiots that don't disclose. I was not given the chance either. And on top of this. Men give it to women at a much higher rate than the other way around. I am on your side H3rpsterrella!

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These are cold sores. According to the World Health Organization, 67% of the global population under 50 has HSV-1. You're maximizing the situation and, in doing so, feeding the stigma that makes people hesitant to disclose in the first place. Be a part of the solution, not the problem.

 

Arm yourself with facts about the virus and how/when it can be spread. Then, when you feel the need to disclose, you have more information to provide to your potential partner.

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Agreed with sil above

 

A lot of peeps contract hsv1 in childhood....they are not banned for life....let's boost up your self esteem and move forward. It's very common, they sell over the counter creams like it's no biggee...and hsv2 holds the most stigma I think, what about us that deal with both?

 

Stop feeding the stigma, disclosing is the moral thing to do, and endoigares on this site. Trust me, I know how difficult that is.

 

I hope you find your smiles, you don't believe it now, but it will be fine.

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IMHO, HSV is not going away. More frequent testing may remove or greatly reduce the stigma, but the spread of HSV is unstoppable.

 

You're hurting, @H3rpsterella. It sucks to be lied to. It sucks to have a permanent change thrown at you unexpectedly. It sucks to be scared about what the uncertain future holds. But it also sucks to live in the fast-drying cement of anger. The longer that dries, the harder it is to remove yourself from it.

 

As @Adrial suggests, herpes is an opportunity. Lots of opportunities, really, visible only when you're moving forward and not stuck in the same place. Opportunities like....

 

...dealing with the emotions behind the curtain of anger.

...working through old baggage that is often triggered by herpes.

...learning to love yourself even if no one else does.

...learning that our reality is indeed a product of our mindset.

...being more compassionate with others and ourselves.

...being the change we want to see in the world.

 

You're strong enough to move forward if you're open to doing something different. {{hugs}}

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If someone is worried about getting oral herpes, then they probably shouldn't kiss anyone in the world at all.

 

Otherwise, except that you are going to makeout with people who have it, regardless

of disclosure or not, and get over it.

 

Suing someone is not going to make your HSV go away, but it sure will help to feed the stigma. Kind of shooting yourself in the foot with that.

 

 

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