Diagnosed this past week---Feeling lost and shamed- Need support.

I was just diagnosed with Herpes on Wednesday of this week. I had my first outbreak (last week) which I am still dealing with and it has been horrible. I am still in bed. My boyfriend whom is getting tested but swears he has never had this is blaming me (he lives out of state) and has decided to end the relationship no matter the outcome. If it was me... I did not know. I am not here to play the blame game... however, I am heart-broken, feeling desperate and shameful. It is like grief. I lost my brother this year and now I feel like this is another form of loss...nothing on that level but it is yet another form of tragedy to keep me inside and hidden from the world. I continue to be a recluse and am concerned about never leaving the house again. I was a vibrant 39 year old.. fun loving, happy, confident woman - whom loved to travel every other week, do yoga, be with my son and now I can barely move and find that even leaving the house puts me in an anxiety ridden panic. I did speak to a professional who said "this too shall pass". I know that in time I will have to accept it but I need support. I am hoping this website can provide me with some comforting knowledge on how to deal with the outside world now because it seems very scary to me. Rejection is occurring already...How can someone send you a loving text about how wonderful you are and how much they miss and love you and then the same day you call them with a diagnosis you are not expecting...crying and balling in pain and utter dismay and they say this isn't what I signed up for I will get tested but your a liar? It's over. Sorry for the over share --It is just a bit overwhelming...plus I am still in pain and trying to manage the symptoms of this disease and that is messing with my emotional stance due to the physical pain. I am open to any suggestions?

Cecilia

Cecilia @Cecilia I am so sorry :( I too just found out at 45 after being in a 13 year marriage and 4 year relationship (they both dont have it). I must have had it for years. I just found out last week and its running through my head. Why us? Is God using this situation? I almost wish I had been in the large percentage of women in this age category walkimg around with it unbeknownst to them. Its a common skin virus. It has a bad connotation. It's far from a death sentence. I'll pray for us.

Hi, @Cecilia, and welcome. First, you're not alone. Many of us have been exactly where you are now. I'm sorry you're experiencing a lot of pain. Has the doctor given you any antivirals to help with the outbreak? For those who have a primary outbreak, the first is often the worst. Use the search bar at the top of the page to look for what has helped others with the pain and discomfort.

Second, it feels like grief because it absolutely is grief. I felt like I was just getting out of the funk of my divorce and then wham--herpes. The guy I was seeing long-distance at the time was sweet at first, then bailed once he tested negative. It hurts. I was devastated, and spent 7 months crying, avoiding people, and being depressed. It sucked. And it took some trauma therapy in my case to snap me out of that. I didn't know either. I now know I acquired it two decades earlier and all that time had no idea.

My biggest suggestion for now is to grieve. I know that gets old when we've recently suffered a loss and we're just starting to feel like ourselves again. I know it sometimes feels overwhelming and totally exhausting. But if we don't grieve now, it will just resurface later in our lives and it won't be pretty then either. We don't want you to get stuck in grief forever, but feeling it and sludging through it is an unavoidable part of the path to healing. One of the books I read while divorcing, and later after my herpes diagnosis, was "How to Survive the Loss of a Love." The title sounds like it wouldn't fit, but it totally does, because it's about grief. Especially on the heels of losing your brother {{{hugs}}}, you may find it helpful. Losing your brother is huge, and you may find yourself continuing to grieve for him and your diagnosis at the same time.

While you're grieving, I would encourage you to spend some time on these forums reading. You'll see a lot of your own situation in the posts of others, and it will help you to feel less alone. It also really helps to read how others have healed and how they now view herpes, even if you're likely to think to yourself, "whatever--that's them, I won't ever feel that way." :-)

When you're ready, it really helps to get educated about herpes. There's so much misinformation (or no information) out there, and having the facts is very empowering and eye-opening. There's lots of great resources mentioned in these forums, or you can reach out to me when you're ready and I'll share some of my favorites.

You're not alone. What you're feeling now is very normal. Your boyfriend may come around once he's had time to process the news, or he may not. But either way, you're absolutely deserving of every happiness and lots of love. Be kind to yourself. We're all doing the best we can and we're all human. We're here to listen if you need to vent, and we're here to provide support and encouragement too.

Thank you for the comment @feli71. I agree with you. I was in a 10 year marriage and really thought I had found someone after divorce that truly loved me. It's shocking to see how people respond...I question myself thinking he will change his mind....but honestly his initial response and calls since have been so shaming that I wouldn't want to have someone in my life like that respond to me when I am sick and tying to cope with any diagnosis. I understand his shock as my own...however shaming, blaming and then a total lack of concern for only himself is truly unbelievable. I did as you ask..is god trying to teach me something?

I am not looking forward to him calling to tell me his results. I have thought...would he even tell the truth...he seems to be all over the place and not the person I thought I knew. I am sure he is thinking the same based on my test results and me not knowing. So I assume this is a regular response from a boyfriend and or spouse.. He kept telling me my test must be a false positive. He insisted I go back in and get a blood test...I did and I am waiting on the results...however my doctor has stated I have H. He waited 3 days after my diagnosis to even get tested. He is supposed to know next week.

Thanks for the prayers. I will be thinking positive thoughts for you too.

This week I am going to work on my diet and am planning on going to yoga. I have to change my outlook on this disease and become stronger with having rejection be something that happens. Thanks again.