I gave my boyfriend herpes

Im 17, he's 18. I was diagnosed with herpes at the age of 15 after receiving oral sex from someone infected. I was devistated. As you can imagine my insecurities, self judgment and loathing blossomed into something very dark and depressing. Over time my wounds healed and I became kind of hole again. The whole town know about my diagnosis thanks to my ex bestfriend and some screenshots she had of me pouring my broken heart out after I was diagnosed. The boy I was seeing at the time was at first put off, but then accepted me and continued to pursue a sexual and intimate relationship with me, he received a lot of hate from the rest of the time for being with me which resulted in him keeping me secret because he was embarrassed of me. I, with the lowest self image I'd ever had, accepted this treatment. 2 years down the line and we're still together, but something awful has happened.

Whilst in Poland on holiday, in an argument about my sexual past (he has a strange obsession with virgins and hates that I've been with anyone other than him), he decided to drop the bomb that I'd given him herpes 2 months previously. He says his first outbreak lasted for two days and was painless. We live together and have sex every day, I had never seen anything (trust me I look). I'm very paranoid about when I'm asymptomatic and we don't have sex when I am. We have unprotected sex, and have done for the past 2 years, which was his idea.

Long story short, I'm absolutely devistated that he has it. I don't know how to deal with these emotions and it's killing me. He says that he is now dirty and disgusting. He says I have ruined him mentally and physically for life. Although I completely understand his feelings and can empathise greatly, these negative statements are having a huge impact on my perception of myself and how far I have come in the past two years. I have nobody to talk to as I will not risk everyone finding out he has it too, he won't speak to me about it either as he wants to forget so I'm giving him space. Another thing is that he refuses to get tested, so he does not know wether he definitely has it, and gets very angry when I question it.

I'm absolutely broken, I feel like an awful person and an awful girlfriend. I can't believe how much I have hurt him. Someone help me? I've restarted taking antidepressants and I'm going back to therapy. I have come such a long way in my journey with herpes, this has started it all over again.

Someone help?

Thanks B X

B, I'm very glad to hear you're back in therapy. This boy is trying to manipulate and control you. I can't speak to his motives, of course, as this may have been modeled to him in his own family. You deserve much, much more than what he has to offer. He did not accept you or your diagnosis. He keeps your relationship secret, he refuses to get tested, and he's quick to anger and blame. You are not broken and you are not to blame. He chose to have sex with you knowing your status, then chose not to use condoms. It's very possible he does not have herpes and is using this to make you feel bad so you do what he wants. Please ask your therapist for a comprehensive list of the signs of abuse. I am worried for you.

http://www.thehotline.org/is-this-abuse/abuse-defined/

im new to the herpes situation so I can't comment on that. But I've had a lot of experience in abusive relationships and this is exactly what this is. He is verbally and mentally abusing you to control and manipulate you to be passive and submissive to him. By putting you down and making you insecure and using your diagnosis against you he has molded you to his liking. He refuses to get tested lowly because that gives someone else control. By giving him scientific fact over his own decision and opinion. You are better than that- better than him and deserve to be happy and not full of shame or guilt. Please continue therapy and I hope one day you will be able to move forward and away from that relationship.