Venting about my experience ...

I had been in a 5 year monogamous relationship with my boyfriend and before we consented to having sex we both got STD tested so we would know what eachother had (if anything). Our results came back that neither had any STDS. That relationship came to an end.

Then I met my next partner who in the heat of the moment, had unprotected sex. Immediately after I began noticing symptoms like the fluid filled vesicles around my genital area and it was extremely painful and persisted for several months. We then went to our doctors and got tested... my results were positive for Herpes.... his were negative. How could this be? I believe he had a false negative because he wasn't having an active outbreak at the time like I was. That relationship also came to an end. (I should mention that doctors had put me on valtrex and I've been on it now for about 2 years and haven't had a single outbreak since. I was also told by my doctor that unless I'm having an ACTIVE outbreak that I could not transmit this disease to my partner.... misinformed?)

Now I met a very nice guy that I am crazy about and promised myself I would do things "right" this time around, we would get bloodwork done and see eachpthers results and have the "std discussion" prior to having sex.... nothing ever goes according to plan. Again I found myself in the heat of the moment and things went extremely fast and we had unprotected sex. Now he is having symptoms on his genital area, but I am not. Have I definitely given him Herpes ... or could this just be his body's reaction to having a new partner after being with the same girl for nearly 10 years?? I'm horrified at the thought of giving someone this disease and obviously I'm the last person in the world right now that he wants anything to do with. I don't know how things will progress with us... but does anyone have any advice? I care a lot about him and see major potential but fear after this episode he isn't going to want anything to do with me.

Advice please........

Partner #1 - Is it possible you weren't tested for herpes with your STD panel? It's usually not included unless you specifically ask for it.

Partner #2 - A couple of explanations include: (1) maybe he got a false negative from an unreliable test like the IgM (an IgG is the one to get), or (2) maybe he was recently infected from another partner but his body had not yet produced enough antibodies to show up on the test (it can take up to 16 weeks after exposure to test positive on a blood test). If you have herpes, and if your body has made enough antibodies to be detected through a blood test, you'll test positive whether you're having an outbreak or not. And yes, your doctor is misinformed. You can transmit or acquire herpes even in the absence of an outbreak or any symptoms. It's called asymptomatic shedding.

Partner #3 - The only way to know if he has herpes is for him to either have a swab done (if he has open sores), or have an IgG blood test (and if he tests negative now, he should also retest in 16 weeks in case it is herpes and its just a new infection). Have you told him about your positive HSV status?

We discussed it following sex because he has begun showing symptoms... so now I fear I have unintentionally transmitted it to him because my doctor told me "no outbreak- no problem" so I honestly believed as long as I wasn't having an active outbreak (I've been on the valtrex for like 2 years now) that it wouldn't spread.

So now of course I don't know what to say or how to approach a follow up conversation ... or if he will ever speak to me again for that matter... This isn't exactly an easy topic to have a rational conversation about. I don't know what to do :*(

That really sucks that your doctor misled you like that. It's actually insane. Anyone in the field should know that most infections are spread when you're not showing symptoms. While this is really crushing and I hope you can pull through this, make sure to be there for this guy. Maybe this will pull you two closer.

If he were to get an igg test today, you could know if his infection were from you. If he comes back negative on igg, then he just got it. If it's positive then it's not from you. But for this to work you'd need him to take the test very soon.

Regardless of whether he should get an igg, he should get a swab test. If it comes up positive he has hsv (obviously) and if it's negative then this MAY all be a coincidence and it could be something else.

Again, sorry this happened to you, but at least you're trying to make it right unlike the person who gave it to you

If I were him I'd seriously think about taking legal action against you. Sorry but you knew you were infected and didn't disclose which is unacceptable. I got infected a similar way.

In all honesty it was completely unintentional. I'm still learning about this disease and simply trying to make it right in any way that I can. I have learned things from this website for example and from people sharing their experience that I otherwise wouldn't have known. Just trying to be better than yesterday by taking information forward and learning from my mistakes.

If you know you have an std I would think it's common sense to disclose that to a new partner before having sex, especially unprotected. You even said this time you were going to do things "right" but didn't keep that promise. My intention is not to make you feel bad or guilty but rather tell you like it is. We all make mistakes in this life and, IMO, the difference between a good person and a shitty one is owning our mistakes.

@BoxerGirl Don't let statements like the one above get you down. Many of us have negative reactions to certain things that bring up pain regarding our own personal experiences. It says nothing about you as a person. It's my personal opinion that VP was quite insensitive with that remark about legal action being taken against you. As you said, you're still learning about the disease, and you've been misinformed by your doctor. Life is one long learning experience, and whether you "do things right" the next time or not, it doesn't change the fact that you are a human being who is going to make mistakes but is still worthy of love and respect. I, myself, got genital herpes from someone that was aware of their status yet did not disclose to me. It never once crossed my mind that I should press criminal charges. Even though it took me a good amount of time, I forgave him. I hold no ill feelings toward him and we are still friends. I hope things get better for you in the very near future. (((hugs)))

^^^^ What @LollyAnn76 said! We're all doing the best we can.

All I'm saying is tell the lad the truth. Let him know you knew you had the virus but didn't know you could pass it without an outbreak if that's the truth. After that let the chips fall where they may. Anything less would be dishonest would it not? I'm interested in ending the spread of this virus so nobody else has to suffer this fate. Lollyann, would you still be saying things like "whether you do things right" the next time if this were HIV instead of herpes?

@VP I don't feel as though the two are comparable. One is life-threatening, the other is not. Passing Herpes on to another person, unknowingly or otherwise, is not putting a person's life at risk. Yes, it can be life-altering, but the virus itself does not run the risk of causing death. HIV, on the other hand, is not only life-altering, it is life-threatening. But to answer your question... Yes, I would still be saying that if it were HIV instead of Herpes. The only case I wouldn't be saying it is if someone is *intentionally* spreading disease out of pure malice.

I appreciate all the feedback. Open communication is how we learn... that's why I joined this forum so I could meet people who have also experienced this disease and are passing on their knowledge. I will certainly disclose this in the future now that I know it can be transmitted regardless of whether you are having an active outbreak or not.

Any advice on how to approach that conversation???

P.S. Lollyann76 you are an eloquent speaker and have a way with words... just wanted to tell you that :)

Lollyann, what I took exception with in regards to your first post was when you said "whether or not she does things right the next time she is still a human being worthy of love and respect." Well no, actually. If with her new found knowledge she decided to once again go have unprotected sex without disclosing, knowing she could potentially pass the virus, she would not be worthy of respect. Respectable people don't knowingly put others health at risk. This is a moot point since the OP has already said she will disclose going forward though.

When it comes to herpes being life threatening, no it is not physically life threatening to adults. It is however potentially life threatening to babies at birth(neonatal herpes). The destruction herpes can do psychologically to adults can certainly be life threatening. Many adults living with herpes are in so much pain that they have considered suicide to escape it. Also, the stigma alone can do much damage to someone's mental health, so much so that it could also lead to suicide. I've actually read articles where doctors have stated that they have patients who have taken an HIV diagnosis better than a patient with a herpes diagnosis. I'm less than 6 months in and I can say the stigma in conjunction with the physical pain has taken its toll on my mental health.

Best of luck OP with your situation.

@BoxerGirl....first off, he may not even have it. The odds of one sex act unprotected, female to male is slim especially if you are on valtrex and with no ob. Lots of people with H just avoid sex during ob's and that's it....and never pass it on. Hoping it turns out well all around. Try to relax a bit.....wait on his results and go from there.