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So embarrassed and in so much pain


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Hi everyone, so glad I ran into this group, I have so much to get off of my chest...

I am 23 & I have been sexually active with a man since last year, we "were" crazy about each other (although he might still feel the same but I of course feel different I feel lied to or betrayed or just plain stupid for trusting someone so soon) anyways we became active right away and he always had a serious problem with condoms he literally would not be able to stay 'hard' we tried many times it became frustrating to the point we just gave up and just had unprotected sex.

After months and months whenever we would have sex it would be about 2-3 times a night and I would become raw and sore, we would stop for a few days and then continue sometimes I would get "tears" which would hurt so bad I would tell him "I can't have sex right now it hurts too bad it feels ripped" he would just laugh and brush it off and say something like "welp guess I'm too big" (ugh I can't stop replying that in my head it makes me so mad) but it always seemed weird to me because he wasn't "too big" he was normal, I would start thinking maybe when I tried to give natural birth to my now 2 year old daughter, my vagina ripped and I never got stitched back up.( FYI natural birth didn't work I had an emergency c-section) Ever since him I would get constant thrown off ph balances or an every now and then yeast infection, i would tell my gyno how it would rip down there but she never really took it serious just would treat whatever infection was going on.

Well to make a long story short...last week we had sex two nights in a row the first night was perfect the second night he "ripped" me again of course hurting me really bad he laughed it off and I dealt with the pain..a few days passed and I got really sick with a sore throat and a fever, turned out I had strep throat. I got prescribed antibiotics but my fever never went away it got worse by the days, all day I would have a temp of 100-101 and at night 101-103 a week went by and my fever continued and my vaginal "rip" was till there and hurting. I didn't know what was going on the rips never lasted this long. I made an appointment to see my gyno on Thursday I told her I had a fever bad pain and it felt like a rip she looked and said she thought it was herpes wasn't so sure but it seems that way (she's a PA). I got cultures and blood work I have been crying my eyes out for days now on the thought of having this. No answers no explanations no nothing just I think you have that and that's it, I am dying inside of embarrassment, loneliness, anger, every emotion I can feel I have.

Yesterday I still had a fever so I went to the hospital, I had started having a watery discharge without control, a lot, and then blood in my urine, right away I thought maybe it's not herpes just a uti and it is just a rip after all. Well of course the hospital confirmed it, along with a uti which has gone to my kidneys now and a pelvic inflammatory disease... :(

I have been reading this group stories and advices none stop and am starting to accept it I was completely depressed have not gotten out of bed but now I have questions...

 

As I said earlier I have a beautiful 2 year old daughter who clings to me like a cap on a super hero! I feel like I have completely let her down and put her in great danger I need to get her tested WE DO EVERYTHING TOGETHER! I feel like an awful disgusting mother (not to put anyone down but it's how I feel I'm sorry) here go my heartfelt worries and concerns that have been eating at me this whole weekend...

 

I have many many times of course gone to the restroom and not washed my hands and held her or done whatever normal activities in our own home (we live alone) how likely is it she has this in her privates or mouth or skin or toys?

 

We have taken 2 baths together...I am soooooo mad at myself for that because it's only been 2!! And one was because we were in a hurry and the other because she wanted me to I could've stopped and prevented this!!! I am literally in tears as I am writing this...please someone tell me did I pass it to her??? :,(

 

Another one that I am more ashamed of....me and this man would either have sex at his place or mine and when it was at my place it was never on my bed but on the couch...does the bacteria or whatever it is stay on the couch? And the next day my daughter sit on the couch or play can she have something on her skin or what can that do?

 

Again I feel completely awful and like a horrible mother!! I will never sleep with anyone ever again...and yes I do know that maybe he wasn't the one who gave it to me I could have had it for years but things didn't start happening till him.

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The bacteria will not stay on anything except skin. That's why it's an STD. sorry for your diagnosis, I hope it gets better but hasn't yet in almost 2 years for me. Your daughter should be fine . It requires sex to pass it on but still be careful now that you know. Also you could have her tested to be 100% sure but it wouldn't get in the water or on toys at all. Don't share towels

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