Should have left my herpes diagnosis at the doctor's office.

Hello, everyone. I have made comments to other post in a previous thread. You'll see a have moments of optimism and despair. My battle with genital herpes began a few years ago. I think I have received my first rejection and I am going through the motions. The timing stinks. I have an exam less than 2 weeks. I was focused on my studies and doing fine (at least for the moment). Then I met someone. Wasn't really a big deal at first, until our phone conversations began. They sometime lasted an hour or more. Anyway, he really seemed like a level headed person and I considered telling him. As my username states I have been struggling with negative feeling about herpes for years. I was diagnosed in 2009. Last year, I tested negative and was surprised. Somehow, I still could not shake these feeling I deal with. People told me to move on and that they wouldn't be telling anyone about something like this. I wish I could shift my feelings that easy but I couldn't.

I felt like I had three options in this situation:

option 1- tell him not to call me anymore so I won't have to deal with herpes or just ignore him until he gets the point. This is the option I have chosen many time before and I was celibate 4 years after my diagnosis. I get offers frequently so this is a method I use. This method also keeps me single and lonely at times.

option 2 - don't tell him anything and act like everything is fine. When everything is not fine because I carry a burden on my heart. The plus of this option does prevent me from having to endure the verbal abuse I experienced from the two men I been with since my diagnosis. The first man was my giver. (I still have strong anger towards him because of the way things unfolded between us. He gave it to me and another woman at the same time but his test came back negative and I despise him for it. That's another story that maybe I'll tell some other time.) The second had no problem with having sex with me but used it as a way to control when I disagreed with him. (You can read about this in my other comments. I despise him too.)

option 3 - tell him so I might have a possibility of getting what I actually desire. To feel free within and not have those herpes barriers that have surrounded me for so many years. However, this option comes with the risk of rejection which until this point I have not yet faced. I told guys before who have pursued me after the fact but I didn't act on it out of fear of how they may later treat me.

I chose option 3.

So now, here I am and haven't heard from him in 4 days when the most we didn't talk was for two days. I'm being really dramatic. He seemed to be fine with it on the phone. Now, I'm wondering did someone tell him to leave me alone.

I feel I broke the protocol. "Black girls don't have herpes," at least that how it seems where I come from. He's 39 and never had a female tell him that before and he commended me for doing so. The other men I have told also informed me that most women have not told them. Maybe just 1 or 2 at the most.

I did find a black women on youtube who talks about herpes and she too has mention how there aren't many black women who discussed this topic.

I feel overwhelmed with all the stigma and shame that can go along with this. Logically speaking, most people do dismiss this from the door. We on this site actually represent the very small fraction who give a damn. After, what I've been through I do not judge anyone who chooses not to deal with this and keep their diagnosis to themselves. Our society blows this whole thing out of proportion that it's ridiculous. I heard people say this fixes itself overtime because the symptom for most people fade away.

I feel like all this pain could have been avoided, if I had done what most people in my community do. Left my diagnosis at the doctor's office.

I know keeping silent is what feeds the stigma, but the stigma is what causing people to keep silent.

I just wonder if this will ever change.

Its tempting to go with option 3 and let it all out, but i do think its worth removing all the negativity and making it seem like its minor and you dealt with it. Its already a lot to take in and a big decision for the people who dont understand it, so you probably need to think what they need to hear. At the same time, you opened up completely and he ought to appreciate that. You could maybe try throwing out a text if its been 4 days to see how he's reacting? Btw years ago when i was educating myself about H, I read that the % of black women with H is higher than the national average - maybe it's just talked about less. Don't know if that helps or does the opposite, but you should question that protocol or you'll feel more alone.

You say you tested positive in 2009 and negative last year. Does that mean you dont actually have herpes? The first test wad wrong?

Hey, Sil88.

Oh, it definitely less talked about with us. I guess because we're plagued with so many labels, who would want to announce something like this that is so stigmatized. The stigma says you don't deserve to be loved or desired. So, who would volunteerly put themselves in that category. I wish I could have just recovered like most people and went on with my life. My outbreaks are really not noticeable so it would be very easy for me to hide this. It been happening to me since 2011. I believe I brought it on my self. This first occurrence happen 6 months after my break up with the one who gave it to me. We broke up in 2010. (A year and a half after I was diagnosed). It was after this time period my anxiety greatly increased feeling like I had no options. Then the outbreaks started. Basically, they are occurring every other year on average. I truly believe if I let this shame and fear go, I won't get outbreaks. This is a vicious cycle because when I stress over herpes it can cause outbreaks but if I didn't think about this so intensely, I probably wouldn't get outbreaks.

This questions me to think:

Is this why people who don't deal with herpes as an issue are able to go on because they view this as a non-important factor and don't deal with the unnecessary labels that come from the stigma.

Hi, camilo.

I believe this virus is still in my system. In 2009, I had culture and blood test that were positive. In 2015, I had a positive blood test. In 2016, I believed I had an outbreak. I had a very tiny opening on my skin and a culture was taken. This test hurt a bit because the nurse had to scrape to get a good culture. I was certain it would come back positive but it didn't.

As far as testing goes, I would only feel certain if I were able to produce a negative blood test. I know that weird because I've heard that cultural test are more accurate. Who really knows for sure?

Forgive me if I'm repeating myself as I don't recall whether I've discussed this with you specifically, but here's a table that shows how many black women are infected with HSV2: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3020161/figure/F1/

As you can see, there's a tremendous discrepancy between those who are infected and those who actually know they are infected. Rates of infection are as high as 79% (see red line in graph) but the corresponding number who know they are infected is only 6% (see green line in graph). It's very likely you know many, many women who are infected with HSV2 but also likely most of them are unaware they are infected.

Just to be sure, the blood test was positive for type 2, right?

Every other year for outbreaks is pretty good! I think I've gone about a year without one now, hope I can match your record. For sure, the more you think about it, the more frequent they will be. It seems to piggy-back on our feelings of rejection from past or potential relationships. Focusing on ironing those out leaves H on it's own, which makes it easier to handle.

Thank you for the clarifucation, Still. You are right, it is confusing. My blood test wad 1,19 positive. I am being tested againg in 6 weeks. But i had a rash in the genital area with no blisters and the woman I had sex disclosed her ex had herpes, after we had sex. I am just holding out some hope. And I know what you mean about disclosur My initial reaction was the one to share it to the world to get rid of the stigma but the problem is even though I have herpes I still have the same jaundiced view of herpes as I had before I got it. So I feel your grief. I have lived with chronic depression my whole life and I didn't think I could get much lower than that disease.

This questions me to think:

 

Is this why people who don't deal with herpes as an issue are able to go on because they view this as a non-important factor and don't deal with the unnecessary labels that come from the stigma.

IMHO, it takes a lot of consistent practice to not buy into the stigma--of herpes or anything else. I can choose to buy into the stigma of a perfect body, and god knows that message is coming at me daily from a millions sources. But it's not realistic, and I can choose to constantly remind myself that I am perfect exactly as I already am.

I've just started reading "Daring Greatly" by Brene Brown and underlined a few passages last night. I thought of them immediately when I read your comment.

"Wholehearted living is about engaging in our lives from a place of worthiness. It mans cultivating the courage, compassion, and connection to wake up in the morning and think, 'No matter what gets done and how much is left undone, I am enough.' It's going to bed at night thinking, 'Yes, I am imperfect and vulnerable and sometimes afraid, but that doesn't change the truth that I am also brave and worthy of love and belonging.' " ............

"Those who feel lovable, who love, and who experience belonging simply believe they are *worthy* of love and belonging. They dont 'have better or easier lives...[snipped for brevity]....but in the midst of all these struggles, they have developed practices that enable them to hold on to the belief that they are worthy of love, belonging, and even joy." .........

"A strong belief in our worthiness doesn't just happen--it's cultivated...."

I loved that last part because it reinforces that it is a process and is something we can always work toward. {hugs}

Thanks everyone for your feedback.

Here's an update.

I called him and he did return my call. I did not answer on the first return call but I did answer on the third time he called me back. During this conversation, I did not mention about how I was feeling he was pulling away from me since I told him. We had a normal conversation as usual. After not hearing from him again for a few days, I decided to call him and express how I was feeling. He denied that it was because of what I told him and said he has heard of people with far worse situations. However, after this conversation I still haven't heard from him. It's been over a week and this is the longest time I haven't talk to him since I met him six weeks ago. I'm accepting that it's over. Although it was only for a short time, it was nice having someone to talk to on the regular. I called myself clearing the air before I actually spent time alone with him, only to never spend time with him. I am really disappointed. I know for me personally, I made the right decision in telling him because this is an issue for me and I want to overcome it.

For some strange reason, I feel he will call me later down the line but I probably won't be interested by then, because maybe I'll have met someone knew and it will go better next time.