I just want to be loved...

So, I had a fourth date tonight with a guy I have been seeing, and I thought it was time we had the talk. He was coming over to my place for the first time, and I knew things could get physical. We went out to dinner, and then he wanted to see where I worked (we are both teachers), so I took him to see my school. We had a great time.

When we got back to my house, we were sitting around, but were getting ready to settle in and watch a movie. I had planned to tell him so I decided it was now or never.

I remained very calm, and confident and did everything I had read to do. He initially said that he had dated someone with herpes before and said it wasn't a big deal. Then, he proceeds to tell me that since we are having a serious conversation, that he wasn't sure that things were going to work out with us because of the distance (we live 40 minutes away from each other), and his schedule. I pressed further that he could be honest with me if this was about what I had just disclosed and not the distance, but he said that he promised it was not about me having H. I so wanted to believe him, but somehow I don't. I even asked him again to please be honest with me. I am not stupid, and I know that had I not said anything tonight we would probably be watching a movie instead of me typing this. He ended up leaving and said he would call me. (I'm not holding my breath).

I am just so discouraged and sad right now. I have worked so hard to try to remain positive and calm, but when this happens it makes me feel like I am never going to find someone who accepts me for all of me. I just want to be loved, and I feel like this is just another obstacle that I have to face each time I meet someone new. I just want to crawl under my covers and not come out.

So sorry that it may not work out with this guy but let me tell you that a guy who wants to be with you forever will accept all of you!!! Have you been on Dr. Kelly Shuh's blog? Or the Yoshi website? For some reason those stories really uplift me when I'm feeling how you're feeling.

Keep a positive attitude!!! There IS someone great for you out there!

I'm sorry, @Kat76. I'm sure that's really disappointing since you felt a good connection with this guy. I think we can all relate when you say you just want to be loved and accepted for who you are. You deserve just that.

In my experience, many men will do anything to avoid coming right out and saying, "I enjoy hanging out with you, and I certainly would not turn down sex if you were willing, but I just don't see myself getting serious with you." So they make up really lame excuses like being "too busy to date" (yes, a guy said that to me), which leave us hurt and confused.

For many of us, herpes really does a number on our confidence. And had I had this same experience six months ago, I would have drawn the same conclusion you did. The reality is, we usually won't ever know the real reason why someone doesn't want to pursue a relationship. And rejection is part of the game whether or not herpes is on the table.

Rather than herpes being an obstacle, I can see how in this case it helped to remove from your life someone who wasn't going to love and accept you. Does it matter if it was because of herpes? We can't change the fact that we all have it. But we can say good riddance to those who will miss out on the best parts of ourselves and what we have to offer the world. And be open to meeting someone who will love the whole package. {{hugs}}

Hi. I so understand your feelings. I'm in this situation right now myself. We just have no way of knowing for certain. Here's an example:

A few months ago I was in a job training program and was fond of one of my instructors. I didn't entertain the idea of "us," because of my situation of course. However, as time was moving along, I began to feel he was attracted to me. He was and asked for my number at the end of the course. We had a few conversations and he picked me up one night. I was all excited because I thought he was someone I could share this with. It didn't get to that point because he fell off just like that. For a moment, he really had me questioning what I did wrong. He had been around me many times and knew my personality. I just didn't get it. He told me I did nothing wrong and he was still interested in me. After this, I didn't here from him for a while. Other people who I talked to in my class asked if we ever got together because they saw he liked me. I basically just told them we didn't talk as I wanted to remain private.

The point of me sharing this with you is that if this had happened after I told him, there's no way anyone could have convinced me it wasn't because of herpes. He did call me two months ago just to see how I was doing.

Here's also more food for thought:

Ever notice how we also assume by default the other person doesn't have herpes? Could it possibly be that we're causing others to think about things they don't want to confront? Could it even be possible that they may have an std they didn't wish to disclosure to us and we're making them uncomfortable.

Just a thought.

Hopefully, things work out for you in some way or another.