Do Potential Partners Ever Get over the Freak Outs?

So the guy I was seeing broke up with me after he found out that my test came back positive for HSV2. He said that intellectually he knows that it's the same as cold sores HSVI on the mouth, but that getting over the stigma that is associated with HSV2 is just too much, another thing that we had to work on in our short but I suppose tumultuous relationship despite the fact that we felt very connected together. He also said that he wouldn't be able to have the kind of sex he would want with me, and that he wasn't interested in using dental dams and he wanted that fluid bonding. And if we were to have sex, he wouldn't feel sexually attracted.

Of course, I'm pretty bummed. Like super bummed and sad. I struggle with staying away from the abyss of depression, but it's been difficult. I know that I'm supposed to be glad that HSV2 weeded this guy out, that if he can't accept this about me, then he doesn't deserve me, that I dodged a bullet, etc, etc etc. I know I'm probably entering fantasy land, but do guys who freak out over this ever get over it? I wouldn't exactly say he freaked out, but he said he was really really uncomfortable and worries he might have gotten it from the two times he gave me oral. Of course, I told him about the transmission rates, and that made him feel better. But is there anything that can make me feel better? Has anyone had an experience where their partner or potential partner initially freaked out but came to terms with it?

Here's what makes me feel better in such cases...

(1) I will never again have to experience this because now I know my status and can tell people in advance and only progress with people who do not have anxiety about it.

(2) Sex with people who are really anxious about it will not be hot enough for me. I need to feel sexy and free and uninhibited, and I need to be with partners who are super into it. Otherwise, it will kinda suck for me. So people who are honest about their anxiety are doing me a favor in letting me go to pursue others who may be a better match.

(3) My experience disclosing to potential partners, as well as the reading I've done, tells me that a majority of people will be okay with my status. I just have to be available to meet new people and be willing to keep trying. I can do that!

(((HUGS)))

@optimist Even though I'm not interested in dating at the moment because I'm enjoying being single too much, I'm sure I'll date eventually. But I swear I would never date again (knowing my HSV status) if it weren't for your level-headed, self-assured, encouraging posts! I just love your attitude. You've mentioned before what you just expressed in #2 above and it really made an impact on me then. It made me realize I absolutely need the same thing and I'm not going to settle for less. *Thank you* for taking the time to be so active on this forum. Your insights are always appreciated!!

@HikingGirl Thank you for the kind words! I always enjoy your posts, as well. Always so positive, insightful and empathic.

Here's what makes me feel better in such cases...

 

(1) I will never again have to experience this because now I know my status and can tell people in advance and only progress with people who do not have anxiety about it.

 

(2) Sex with people who are really anxious about it will not be hot enough for me. I need to feel sexy and free and uninhibited, and I need to be with partners who are super into it. Otherwise, it will kinda suck for me. So people who are honest about their anxiety are doing me a favor in letting me go to pursue others who may be a better match.

 

(3) My experience disclosing to potential partners, as well as the reading I've done, tells me that a majority of people will be okay with my status. I just have to be available to meet new people and be willing to keep trying. I can do that!

 

(((HUGS)))

 

Thanks for the kind words. I know that what you've said is totally true, just bummed about this particular guy since we had already gotten close and since we thought we were going to get it on, I suggested that we both get tested and that's when I found out. I was already kind of emotionally invested.

@Abby2017 I understand completely. I experienced a similar situation when I was diagnosed. I was already dating someone and we'd become very close but he was too anxious to continue after my diagnosis. It definitely complicated my healing process. But I'll tell you this, when I met a guy a few months later who genuinely didn't care and was super sexually attracted to me anyway, I realized that's what I need. In fact, around the time I moved on and met someone else, the first guy reached out to express he was still trying to overcome his fears and maybe we could try again, but he was still clearly very conflicted and anxious, and having experienced what it was like to feel free and sexy and uninhibited again, there was no way I was going to take a step back at that point. We are friends instead.

Also, as hard as it was to deal with rejection at that sensitive time, I learned a lot through that experience, and I'm sort of glad I got it out of the way really early. It helped me understand that I can't control how other people will perceive this and it's better for me to move on swiftly in such cases because there are plenty of people who are totally accepting of this. It also reinforced for me that it is not always about whether someone has strong feelings for you or not, often it's just about how that person perceives risk.

I take antivirals and use condoms, so my annual transmission risk is around 1%. Some people consider 1% a huge risk, some consider it is a risk so small it's not worth considering, and some factor in relative risk, knowing that many of their partners are likely infected, don't know it, and therefore are higher risk as they are not taking precautions. Some are like your guy who have a hard time getting the idea out of their minds, even if they think it isn't logical. Often those guys don't know their own status or status of other partners, but just knowing for sure the risk is present makes them really anxious. Then there are those at the other end of the spectrum who don't buy into the stigma, recognize HSV is super common, and don't consider it a factor that should influence dating choices.