Horrible primary outbreak, conflicting information and now my SO left me... Please be rock bottom?!

Just found out a little over a week ago that I have HSV2 (24 year old female). I was living in the states until December as part of a MBA exchange, and met someone who I truly thought was the love of my life. I moved back home to Europe, but we kept things going, more or less as a long distance relationship, with "plans" of marriage etc. I then came back for a 10 day visit - for my birthday nonetheless - that we had both been looking forward to so much.

1) I became very sick about 4 days into my trip with what I now know was my primary outbreak. Literally got every single symptom I have read about since for a PO, and was in such pain that it left me sobbing in his arms. Neither of us had any idea that it was herpes at the time. It's now 20+ days later and while I'm much better (physically) I am still very sick and have yet to be able to go back to work.

2) My doctor confirmed with a swab that it was HSV2 - a week later I got my IGG test back which was negative. My former SO is the only person I have been with since September (5+ months). My doctor told me that it was a recent infection, and based on the information I gave, that my former SO was the one who had infected me.

3) My former SO was initially supportive, then disappeared for a week, then got tested, and tested negative (which I was completely blindsighted by - how could this be?!) and literally JUST dumped me. I followed up a very unsupportive phone call with a polite request to see his test results. He said he would request it from his doctor this coming week and followed that up with dumping me. Through a facebook message and in max 10 words. Dick. He also openly admitted that it was partially due to the herpes (although the distance of course also played a part).

I'm actually proud of how I have been handling my diagnosis. I am trying to see this as an opportunity to become stronger and healthier, and I have a great support system in friends and family. Although I am so hurt by my former SO's disappointing behavior - talk about kicking a person when they're down - I am "happy" to see his true colors before becoming more involved with him and investing any more time.

But I just feel so down. I realize this is normal. But this diagnosis coupled with a lot of pressure to perform at work, while being a full-time student writing a master thesis, while also dealing with family issues, is proving to be a real challenge. I am planning on seeing a psychologist about this and other issues.

I feel very alone and quite frankly in a bit of a shock over how traumatizing the primary outbreak + mentally draining aspects of a diagnosis + being abandoned in part because of the genital herpes has been...

And I just don't see how I could have gotten it from anyone else than this... fucker. Excuse my french. I have a hard time dealing with uncertainty and my mind has locked down on that I would feel better if I could know who I got it from. But I guess I maybe have to accept that I will never know.

I'm not sure exactly what I'm looking for with this post. Maybe to talk to people who actually know what this is like from personal experience - especially the dumping part. To get some reassurance that this (hopefully) is rock bottom in terms of the herpes.

To feel like someone will be able to look past the herpes and see me for the awesome person that I know I am. I say this especially because I honestly feel that I would have had a hard time looking past this before I spent a lot of time educating myself on what it actually means.

I live in a culture that doesn't do dating. Here, you sleep with someone, and then (maybe) fall in love. It's just not really done the other way around. And it makes me scared for future relationships.

I will be okay, I believe that. But right now, the road to being okay is just so daunting.

Hi, @Kbh, and welcome. The past month sounds like it has been very stressful, disappointing, frustrating and confusing--on top of the physical pain you've had. I hope your initial outbreak has started to heal.

I found out I have HSV1 and HSV2 after my divorce (my ex later tested negative for both), while I was seeing someone new (long-distance). Initially he was supportive, but within a few weeks he just faded into the woodwork. I tried to open a discussion about why we were drifting apart, but didn't get anywhere with it. Of course I jumped straight to the "it must be because I have herpes" conclusion. It was very painful. Of course, with a little hindsight, I think it easily could have been the distance, the fact that he just didn't have very strong feelings for me, or that I completely fell apart emotionally because of the diagnosis. I'm not him, and I'll never know what he was thinking or what previous life experiences and beliefs led him to have the perspective he did.

I've spent a lot of time in recent months learning and practicing that I just can't control other people's reactions to things. That and not having any control or minimal control over having herpes has been maddening. At the same time, it's also pretty liberating. Because then I'm not taking responsibility for other people's shit and I have more time to spend growing into the person I want to be and living the life that I want to have.

At the time I was diagnosed, and for several months following, I know I would have been the one to bolt if the tables were turned. I hate to say it, but it's the truth. And that's because of the lenses through which I saw life due to my upbringing, lack of education on herpes, etc. Coming to terms with my status has made me far more compassionate overall than I was just a year ago.

Lastly, just because the culture you're in "doesn't do dating", does not mean you have to follow the crowd. You may find that others are happy to get to know you before becoming intimate, but don't have the courage to ask for it upfront like you might.

Thanks @HikingGirl

Thanks so much for your reply, and for the welcome :)

And also, thanks for the (very nice) reality check. I actually really needed that.

You're right, we can't control everything, especially not other people.

Your point regarding having the same reaction if the tables were turned really resonated with me. Not with my ex, because I know I wouldn't have had the heart to hurt him like that. But more in terms of future dating - I am pretty sure I wouldn't have wanted to carry on with anyone I wasn't yet serious with, after a disclosure back then.

But knowledge is power, and after reading up on this skin condition every hour of the past couple of weeks, I really don't think it's a big deal, social stigma aside. I hope to one day be able to communicate that effectively to future partner(s).

Do you have any tips for proactively trying to feel normal again? I'm especially thinking in terms of confidence/ not feeling... unclean. What do you do to feel better about yourself if/when you have one of those days where it just all really sucks?

I hope I'm not being too presumptuous in assuming that you have days like that too :)

Hi Kbh,

I know your feeling icky right now but you will heal. I understand the unclean comment; it was the hardest part for me too. It eventually will clear up and you will get better! Breathe in and out and know it will be okay.

I just cleared up from my first outbreak and found that the feeling like a leper part was the worst. I had to force myself to see it differently. I was so afraid of spreading it, and was checking the site constantly. So I decided to change that attitude. It didn't happen right away. But I tried to remember who I was before, and recall that I was still that person. Worthy, and sexy. Full of love and laughter. I was still the same lady that I love!

Mostly I made sure to use soft and fluffy towels, and nice smelling things in the bathroom. I added lavender essential oils to a diffuser to bring a calm peaceful feeling to my environment. I tried to "spa" up the place because I was feeling blue and it seemed like I was always in there...so I wanted it to be a happier place. (I'm odd though, so maybe it's too weird?). Anyway, I tried to put a positive spin on things and relax. I took lots of warm baths and watched movies in there. I pampered myself with abandon. I figured if stress could make it worse, I could do my best stress busting moves! Naps, cozy pj's, flavored waters, fruits...whatever you like that makes you feel better. Cry when you feel like you need to. Watch sad movies to make it acceptable! Ha ha

I also read all that I could on this site. These folks are so knowledgeable and kind. It's the best of the Internet that I've ever seen. You found the right place to ride out the storm of emotions that show up with that first diagnosis. It's going to be okay, and though it will take time, you will feel like yourself again soon. Just rest your soul and treat yourself with kindness and love.

Do you have any tips for proactively trying to feel normal again? I'm especially thinking in terms of confidence/ not feeling... unclean. What do you do to feel better about yourself if/when you have one of those days where it just all really sucks?

 

I hope I'm not being too presumptuous in assuming that you have days like that too :)

Oh yes, I definitely have days when it sucks, but they are becoming fewer and farther between--thankfully! A lot of things helped me to start feeling normal again, including....

1. Therapy. I used a great therapist after my divorce, and she was a godsend when I got my diagnosis. So helpful to have a professional, objective perspective from a person who can see through the b.s. I was telling myself. :-). I didn't have anyone else I could really trust to talk to about herpes, so it was such a help to talk it out with her.

2. Exercise. Thank god I started exercising regularly (for the first time in my life) about six months before my diagnosis. Never mind the physical benefits--the mental benefits is a huge part of how I made it through the darkest days and continually grows my confidence. Running and weights helps a lot to relieve stress, hiking and getting outside in fresh air really helps to put my problems in perspective, and yoga helps me to appreciate what my body *can* do and is also a great stress reliever.

3. Learning. Learning everything I could about herpes was crucial. And now that those darkest days are behind me, it helps me feel better to come here and be a support and resource to others.

4. Mindfulness - Another huge one for me. Establishing a regular meditation practice (short--like 5 or 10 minutes a day is all) has made me much more aware of my thoughts and that helps me to catch myself in a negative thought more often and dispute it. It took me months before I really started to believe positive things I'd say about myself because I was finally getting enough repetition! Along these same lines, I told myself early on that I was going to allow myself to fully feel my emotions and not try to sweep them under the rug or numb them with a substance or activity. Learning to recognize and name the emotion(s) I'm feeling (easier said than done) and using R.A.I.N. (just google "mindfulness RAIN") often provided near-instantaneous improvement in how I was feeling. I get that it all sounds hokey, but it has been outrageously helpful for me, so I'm sticking with it. :-)

5. Reading - In order to combat all of the negative stuff in my mind, it was helpful to read positive books. I've already mentioned books by Brene Brown in other posts, and I keep copies of Untethered Soul (Michael Singer) and When Things Fall Apart (Pema Chodron) on my nightstand. I need to be regularly reminded that (a) shit happens, and (b) I might as well work with it than against it.

6. I really haven't been interested in dating because I'm *really* enjoying being single and having the autonomy I didn't have while being married. Truth be told, I have an appointment with my therapist tomorrow to ask her if it's normal that I have no desire to date, and I'm 99% sure that has nothing to do with herpes. LOL. Taking responsibility for my own happiness by doing things I enjoy, developing friendships, and really figuring out who I am and what's really important to me helps a lot with my overall confidence. Because it means I can be happy even if I'm alone. Even if someone rejects me because of herpes. Never again am I going to let my happiness depend upon what someone else thinks of me. If they want to reduce me to a label or stigma, they're going to miss out on a lot of great things about me.

7. I mentioned in an earlier post that I just finished up a 10-week small group workshop about shame resilience, developed by Brene Brown. I don't remember what exactly was said in the very first class to make this impression on me, but I had a very powerful realization that EVERYONE experiences shame. And I mean EVERYONE. Maybe not about herpes, but something else. Never mind that some people's lives look perfect, EVERYONE has stuff in their lives that eat at their insecurities or cause them too feel shame. When I left class that first evening, the thought that was screaming in my head was, "Wait a minute. If everyone feels shame about something, then why the *^@#&% am I walking around with my head down and my tail between my legs???!!!!!" That was huge.

Sorry for the extra-long post. I've been thinking about your question all day and I guess I had a lot to say! :-). I guess if I were having a really crappy day, my immediate fixes would be "RAIN" and naming my emotions, followed by a good workout and probably writing a few pages in my journal too!

@K123 thanks so much for the kind words and advice. You are definitely not weird in "spa-ing up the place" - that's a really good idea! I have been avoiding baths for the most part, but now that my sores are healed up, I will definitely be taking more of them! Lavender is great too. I actually used to use this spray called Deep Sleep or something from This Works on my pillow at night to help me sleep... Hoping to be over this icky feeling soon!

@HikingGirl thanks for your insight and tips!

I have decided that this year is going to be all about me, even if that sounds like a cliche :). I will definitely be putting most, if not all, of your tips to good use over the next couple of months.

To your list of things that you think about when you're feeling down, you can add that you have the ability to make someone feel better and be way more positive, through your words, even though they are halfway around the world and have never met you. THANK YOU! Sending lots of positive and grateful vibes your way.