Disclosure success, and what a success

Hey everyone.

I'm sorry that I've been away for a while. I have been out there living life and grabbing opportunities by the balls but I am never too far away and still keep a close eye on what's going on in this forum.

I am here to tell you about my most recent disclosure, how I went about it and how good it has made me feel.

Just a little background before I go any further - It's been almost 2 years since I was diagnosed with HSV2 and since that time I have disclosed to a few people, all who took it well and accepted me.

But this time around, the stakes were higher as I met someone at work, who I got to know quite intimately beforehand, and who I was so nervous to tell due to the emotions involved and potential for rejection leading to being left hurt.

I've been spending time with this guy for about a month, both in and out of work, and it became obvious quite early on that there was a strong connection between us. I knew I would have to tell him eventually, as things were getting heated, but whenever it came to initiating sex, I would stop him and tell him I wasn't ready, and that I would let him know why as soon as the time felt right. He didn't push, or question me further, or make me feel bad about it. He would just hold me close and say that that was OK.

So I had decided that the weekend just gone would be when I would tell him. I didn't want him to feel like I was stringing him along, and it was becoming near impossible for me to reject his advances. I invited him over, thought I would cook for him and have some wine (Dutch courage) and then initiate the conversation about what he needed to know.

A spanner was thrown in the works when I unexpectedly ended up seeing him a few days beforehand. I got nervous. Should I tell him now? Should I wait as per my original plan? I tried to push it out of my mind and just enjoy the time with him, not thinking too much and deciding that I would tell him 'when the moment felt right'.

Fast forward a few hours, another fun evening spent together, and we are in bed. This time he didn't initiate, and as always he didn't push. With the lights out and him holding me close, I could feel him relaxed and falling asleep. My mind and heart began to race. I kept thinking about the best way to start talking. My heart was pounding, I literally felt that it would jump out of my chest. I asked if he was asleep; he wasn't. I asked if he could feel my heart racing. He put his hand against my chest and said that he could. I told him that I was psyching myself up; that I was ready and that I wanted to tell him why I'd been holding out on sex. He pulled me in closer.

I began by saying that a couple of years ago I slept with someone, and that soon after I found out he'd given me HSV - the herpes virus. That from that day on I made a promise to myself that I wouldn't sleep with anyone without informing them; that their choice wouldn't be taken away from them as mine was. And that I was always going to be a risk no matter how much I would try to protect him.

With every sentence I spoke, slowly and calmly and rationally, he would pull me in tighter. His words to me? 'Thank you so much for telling me. That must've been so hard. I wouldn't know how to tell someone, so I appreciate it.' He briefly asked about risk, and I explained the stats. I gave some background on how I acquired the virus, and in the process went off on a couple of tangents. He didn't pull away during any of it. He kissed me the same way he had kissed me before and thanked me again, and said:

'I'd still like to have sex with you.'

I was so happy. I still am. I don't know what will happen further down the line, but it brought us even closer. He lets me talk when I want to talk. He doesn't ask anything that I feel uncomfortable answering. My only worry now is keeping him safe! And hoping that neither of us end up broken-hearted as our situation is complicated due to my visa situation.

But whatever happens, I don't believe herpes will be the cause of any of it. I could not have hoped for a better response from someone whose opinion I truly value. He continues to tell me on a regular basis how I should value myself to the maximum.

He's pretty incredible and I feel really lucky to have met him.

Woohooo! I'm so pleased for you.

Hooray!! Thanks for sharing this!

Thank you both! I just wanted to share to show people that there is hope for us all. Vulnerability can definitely be sexy!

Thank you for posting this... I really needed a little hope this morning.

Thank you for sharing! I really needed to hear this, as I plan on disclosing this week. Think the way you phrased it was perfect, and exactly how I feel about it.

Congrats on grabbing life by the balls!

Double congrats for the disclosure!

It's really great to read that you didn't let fear control you. And even better, you based your actions on how they effect a person you care about!

You did a really great things, and I know he got the chance to see how much courage you have, how important integrity is to you. Those are super rare qualities, and they make for a really solid foundation for a relationship.

I hope things work out really great for both of you!

2 years together and still going strong 🙂

So far, have managed to keep him safe.

About to purchase our first home together and talking about kids in the near future...

There is hope out there for everyone! My advice? Be honest, be vulnerable, be courageous and own your status. Show your partner that you value them above your own fear of rejection. Approach the subject as objectively as possible but keep it real to your experience. 

Good luck to everyone!