Jump to content
  • Want to be a part of a supportive community? Join the H Opp community for free.

    Welcome to the Herpes Opportunity Support Forum! We are a supportive and positive group to help you discover and live your Opportunity. Together, we can shed the shame and embrace vulnerability and true connection. Because who you are is more important than what you have. Get your free e-book and handouts here: https://www.herpesopportunity.com/lp/ebook

I'm 57, single and herpes free but...


Recommended Posts

I'm glad I found this community. I'm hoping some nice, patient people here will help this middle-aged man with his dilemma. I'm stressing trying to find insights.

 

I'm 57, I've been divorced for 2 years. I'm a hard-working, happy professional and I'm super healthy. Six months ago I re-united with my college sweetheart - it's been WONDERFUL!

 

Before we were intimate she told me she was HSV2 positive. Her first outbreak was 20 years ago. She says her outbreaks now are "rare", almost non-existent. I immediately had a blood test done and I was herpes free.

 

Since then we've had a fantastic, loving sex-life. I always use a condom. She initially went on Valtrex but felt her hair was falling out and stopped.

 

The thought of never making love to her without a condom is...very difficult. It fills my mind with a lot of questions - some clinical and some emotional. I'm begging for insights. It's amazing how difficult it is to get good insights for the "herpes free" partner in a committed relationship.

 

So here goes... Any insights to some of my questions are GREATLY appreciated!

 

(All of these questions presume she is not knowingly having an outbreak.)

 

Are there committed couples who don't use condoms and one partner remains H free?

 

If we have intercourse without a condom (or anti-viral) what are my odds of contracting H?

 

If I am exposed to the herpes virus how soon would a blood test detect it?

 

If you were me how often would you test yourself and WHICH TEST would you use?

 

Thank you for any insights!

Link to comment

@Triumph Yes, there are discordant couples who do not use condoms or take antivirals. Female-to-male transmission risk without condoms and antivirals is 4% per year, assuming sex twice per week for a year, and avoiding sex during outbreaks.

 

The test to use is the IgG blood test. The recommended wait time for IgG testing is 12 weeks from potential infection. (Note that IgM tests are unreliable, so avoid IgM testing.)

 

As for how often you test, that's a very personal thing. If you're in a monogamous relationship and do not develop symptoms, you may not care to know if/when your status changes, considering there would be no steps (such as discontinuing antivirals) to take as a result. People generally test either to confirm source of symptoms they are having so they can be properly treated *or* to determine whether they have any STIs prior to engaging with a new partner or partners. However, if it's important to you to know for whatever reason, you could incorporate it into your annual physical, I suppose.

 

 

 

 

Link to comment

I found out I have HSV2 after my divorce. My ex chose to be tested and he tested negative. So that meant I've had it for about 20 years and had no idea. My ex and I had sex for 16 years with no condoms and no antivirals. It still blows my mind he didn't get it. In hindsight, I had mild outbreaks I attributed to yeast infections so I was unknowingly avoiding sex during those times anyway. My experience may or may not be typical, but it just goes to show that while transmission is possible, it's not a given.

Link to comment

"optimist" and "Hiking Girl"...thank you very much for your kind responses! They were very helpful. I hope others will contribute as well. Those of us that are in "discordant" relationships need support too. At times it's tricky to balance trepidations with love and attraction - I'm new to this situation and I'm trying to understand fully. I hope that makes sense.

Link to comment

@Triumph My experience was strikingly similar to that of @HikingGirl's. I tested a while after divorcing and discovered I must have been HSV2+ during my marriage. However, I don't know if I was HSV2+ when he and I met or if I contracted it from him sometime during our relationship (or if I gave it to him at some point during our relationship, for that matter). I shared this news with him and asked if he had ever been tested or had symptoms. He had not. (I still don't know if he has it as it's no longer any of my business.) I share this to bring to your attention that this is a risk people take often without knowing it. 80-90% of people with HSV2 do not know they are infected.

 

Also, it might be helpful for you to know that a majority of single, middle-aged women have genital herpes. It's very common. However, most of them (80-90% of those who have it) don't know it. One benefit of knowing is that you can take steps to prevent transmission. In that sense, you could actually be safer with a partner who is aware of her status than a partner who is unable to take precautions due to ignorance of her status. However, given your partner's negative experience with antivirals and your desire to not use condoms, her awareness of her status may not be much of a factor, except maybe in her ability to avoid sex during outbreaks (some people don't realize their symptoms are related to herpes and have sex during those times when transmission risk is much higher).

 

As for the antivirals, I do take them and have not noticed hair loss *but* I always notice I have more hair loss during colder seasons for whatever reason. It's temporary and unrelated to antivirals. Is it possible this could be the case with her? And was she taking the suppressive dose or the dose that is recommended to reduce transmission? If she has only tried the suppressive dose, perhaps she'd be willing to see if she can tolerate the lower dose that is recommended to reduce transmission risk?

 

 

 

 

 

 

Link to comment

On the subject of antivirals, she might try a different one. I was on Valtrex for six months. While I didn't notice any hair loss, I seemed to have constant prodrome symptoms and it drove me nuts so I went off of it. I've been on acyclovir now for a month and have felt much better. I believe there's also a third medication (famvir?) although I don't have personal experience with it. If she could tolerate a different antiviral, the chances of transmission would remain roughly the same if you stopped using condoms (no antivirals and condoms vs antivirals and no condoms).

Link to comment

Wow, optimist and Hiking Girl, thank you so much again for your help. You both are tremendously insightful.

 

optimist, I find what you said fascinating..."One benefit of knowing is that you can take steps to prevent transmission. In that sense, you could actually be safer with a partner who is aware of her status..." That's an angle I had not considered.

 

You also sent me looking for more statistics about prevalence in middle aged women and I found this... "50-75% of unmarried American women between 45 and 50 have genital herpes." Wow, that is a lot. That caught me by surprise. Thank you again for your patience, kindness, and information.

Link to comment

@Triumph Yes, sometimes all that is needed is a change in perspective.

 

While it may seem astonishing that a majority of middle-aged single women have HSV2, it makes a lot of sense if you consider how the spread of oral HSV1 works. The rate of HSV1 is close to zero at birth and progresses over a lifetime until almost everyone is infected. Vulnerability to HSV2 does not begin until a person becomes sexually active. So rates are almost zero among children, 25-30% among pregnant women, >50% among middle-aged women, etc. It is not that HSV1 is common and HSV2 is rare, it's that HSV1 gets about a 20 year head start on HSV2 as people are not vulnerable to it until they begin having sex. But just like with HSV1, the infection rate increases with age as exposure increases.

Link to comment
  • 4 weeks later...

I too had constant prodrome symptoms on Valtrex and switched to Acyclovir with no side effects. Best of luck to you and your lucky sweetheart. My husband of 21 yrs does not have H, but I do (hvs2). However, he chooses to wear condoms during intercourse and none for oral so we've gone this long without him acquiring it. A huge testament to condoms use!!! I just went on antiviral meds a yr ago just to bring my 5 ob's a year to 0 and it worked!!! Not one ob in a year. Also, the fact that she's had H for so long works in her favor as well, ie less shedding.

Link to comment

@Triumph

 

Hello, Welcome, and Sooo glad you found us!

 

I'm a 35+ yr veteran of HSV2 and I've had HSV1 oral since I was about 2 or 3. To my knowledge the only person that I gave H2 to was my ex hubby, when I didn't know that I had it ( I like many didn't know my "yeast infections" and what I thought was rubs from sex were outbreaks). I had several sexual partners before him (got H from my first sexual experience.... *sigh*) who I don't believe got it (no one ever came back to me about it) and I've had several since, including two 3 yr relationships... no condoms ... and I used suppressive therapy with the last one per his request (but not the other, per his request) and neither got it from me.

 

@ihaveittoo is another long time veteran who can hopefully chime in here too. As you have learned, most women in our age bracket (I'm in my 50's) have genital HSV so odds are you have been unwittingly exposed already. As we get older we women tend to have fewer OB's once we hit menopause (periods seem to be a big trigger for some) so I think that helps us to reduce how much we pass it on too.

 

One last thought.... for me, an OB is the perfect time to find other ways to be intimate and get my freak on. So rather than seeing it as a "bad" thing, use those times to learn other ways to play and explore and learn about each other's bodies... :)

 

 

Link to comment
  • 2 weeks later...

WCSDancer2010,

 

Thank you so much for you kind response. I apologize for the late reply. I've been trying to think of what to say (very unlike me!).

 

I think I'm just trying to get my hands around the entire situation. The fact that you've had several partners that didn't use condoms and didn't acquire HSV2 is very calming - I really appreciate you sharing that.

 

We had a condom slippage situation recently - I wondered why it felt so good! I'm a bit embarrassed and almost ashamed to admit that afterwards my anxiety level rose much more than I expected. I'm hoping some of this angst is just me being new to the "discordant" situation. I'm generally a super calm person.

 

I love her, I treasure making love to her, but it was a sudden reminder to me that we are dating and perhaps deep down inside I must not be okay with acquiring it yet if it does happen - does that make sense without sounding like a terrible person? I hope I don't sound offensive.

 

Gosh, I dunno, I feel like I'm on a rollercoaster as I become more educated, read more about other's experiences, and I build a relationship with this wonderful woman. Sometimes it worries me, sometimes it doesn't.

 

I wish I could read more about viewpoints and experiences from the uninfected partners in relationships. Again most of all, thank you for your thoughtful reply.

Link to comment

Katidid,

 

Thank you very much for your insights on Valtrex vs acyclovir. It sounds like you've found the right med that's working for you. I may bring this up with my partner and see how she feels. I first and foremost know that it's her body and her choice, and every little bit of education and new insights is helpful. Thanks again!

Link to comment

Triumph my husband of 21 yrs is H negative. He chose condoms always and we never looked back. Oral is completely without protection and happens way more than intercourse..I left it entirely up to him as to use or not use condoms. He never ever brings up H and outside of what little info I gave him all those yrs ago, he has never looked anything up. He's kind of that guy.....if it ain't broke, don't fix!

Link to comment

Katidid,

 

Thank you again for another helpful reply. 21 years and H negative is encouraging to hear. Hopefully one day soon I'll settle into some kind of harmony with the situation like your husband. I like his attitude.

 

BTW since you mentioned you've taken both Valtrex and acyclovir I just came across this for what it's worth...

 

http://www.infectiousdiseaseadvisor.com/sexually-transmitted-diseases/pritelivir-valacyclovir-suppressing-hsv-2-shedding/article/627463/

 

Link to comment

So - if you are finding that your anxiety levels are fluctuating around the proposition of acquiring H, why don't you find other ways to get yer freak on? That could help you to continue to grow the relationship until you know, without a doubt, that you are at peace with the situation. And it will create one heck of a great foundation for you to fall back on if you ever have kids and need to keep things spiced up. LOL :)

Link to comment

I had HSV before getting married and have been married now for 12 years. My husband has never contracted anything "down there" and we don't use condoms. Now he has also never had the blood test but we are just careful when I may be feeling something I tell him and we will use a condom. So far it is been ok. I have also had two healthy babies with no complications during pregnancy or childbirth (though I was so afraid during the whole time).

So to @Triumph who is dating someone with herpes I think you are an amazing, kind man and wish you all the best. Thank you for loving us!

Link to comment

WCSDancer2010,

 

Thanks for the great advice. I agree, a varied sex life is one important element towards building a great foundation, and that is one fun foundation to build!

 

As for having kids we're both past that (been there, done that, luckiest dad ever). I've been "fixed" and her ovaries are permanently on sabbatical. We try to laugh about it...when we were younger and dating we used condoms so she wouldn't get pregnant. Now that we're reunited and ahem, at a more mature age, we use condoms again "for me not to get pregnant". Can't win!

Link to comment

Pattym,

 

I can't thank you enough for sharing your insights. I needed to hear that. 12 years together without condoms is good to hear. For some reason that is very calming, very reassuring. Thank you.

 

Every little bit of insight helps. I think what's going on is that three parts of me - my heart, my logical medical brain, and my "you know what" (the other male brain) are at odds at various times as I try to figure this out. Those three parts are working on it, and it changes daily as does our relationship.

 

Thanks again.

Link to comment

You are very welcome @Triumph. I can only imagine how conflicted you must feel; you love your partner but don't want to "catch" it. As the "carrier" it is stressful on my end because I am responsible for my partners health (physically, mentally and sexually) and while he has not (as far as we know) contracted it, it can potentially happen at any time. He does not care - he jokes that I am stuck with him now (lol) so I can't go anywhere. He knows the inner struggles I have with self-esteem because of this and I am the one who often feels like no one will ever love me. Vicious circle for all of us isn't it? Good luck to you and if I can tell you one thing, is it is "not that bad" to "have it". At its worst it is inconvenient, but if you both live a healthy lifestyle (diet, exercise, moderate drinking) outbreaks are few and far between. Its the social stigma that is the killer. Good luck and thank you for sharing. This is my first time in the 15 years since contracting actually starting to reach out for help and comrade so it was interesting to "read about it from the other side".

Link to comment
  • 7 months later...

My boyfriend is on Valtrex, and lately we have been omitting condoms from our sex life. There will always be some risk, and it's up to you to decide if you want to take that risk. Worst case if you did contract HSV-2, how bad would it be? That's what I asked myself before not using a condom, and I decided that it was unlikely but if it did happen it wouldn't be the end of the world. With antivirals it's about a 2% chance of spreading. The virus sheds about 1% of the year (compared to a cold sore, HSV-1 virus which can shed up to 33% of the year), so even without antivirals the chances isn't super high.

Link to comment
You are very welcome @Triumph. I can only imagine how conflicted you must feel; you love your partner but don't want to "catch" it. As the "carrier" it is stressful on my end because I am responsible for my partners health (physically, mentally and sexually) and while he has not (as far as we know) contracted it, it can potentially happen at any time. He does not care - he jokes that I am stuck with him now (lol) so I can't go anywhere. He knows the inner struggles I have with self-esteem because of this and I am the one who often feels like no one will ever love me. Vicious circle for all of us isn't it? Good luck to you and if I can tell you one thing, is it is "not that bad" to "have it". At its worst it is inconvenient, but if you both live a healthy lifestyle (diet, exercise, moderate drinking) outbreaks are few and far between. Its the social stigma that is the killer. Good luck and thank you for sharing. This is my first time in the 15 years since contracting actually starting to reach out for help and comrade so it was interesting to "read about it from the other side".

 

Pattym,

 

The I just read your comment again, I know it's been a while, but I think it is probably the most well balanced post on this topic I have read. You summed it up well.

 

I don't have HSV2, my lover does. It stresses her out a little because as you say, "I am responsible for my partners health..." and she's not keen to give it to me. She will feel bad. That is a strong dynamic in our relationship. And yes, I do not want to contract it, it's not my first choice, especially until there is a rock solid long term "til death do us part" commitment.

 

Am I afraid of the physical "rash" part of it? No. If that's the worst health thing that happens to me I'll be okay, but I admit it, it's the stigma I worry about, the need to have "the talk" with potential future partners if this relationship doesn't work, the potential to lose someone in the future I may like because they don't want to get it from me. I feel guilty speaking like this on this forum but .... I guess I said it. Being in a discordant relationship can be difficult for BOTH partners.

 

By far most posters on here have HSV2, and for me, I'm finding it hard to find viewpoints from those that are not HSV2 positive. Thank you for listening. Everyone here is wonderful.

Link to comment
My boyfriend is on Valtrex, and lately we have been omitting condoms from our sex life. There will always be some risk, and it's up to you to decide if you want to take that risk. Worst case if you did contract HSV-2, how bad would it be? That's what I asked myself before not using a condom, and I decided that it was unlikely but if it did happen it wouldn't be the end of the world. With antivirals it's about a 2% chance of spreading. The virus sheds about 1% of the year (compared to a cold sore, HSV-1 virus which can shed up to 33% of the year), so even without antivirals the chances isn't super high.

 

aggie_pride2018 , Thank you so much for your response. I am glad you reopened this forum. For me the issue I described at the top of the page is ongoing. I'm doing my best to be loving to my partner as well as learning about my feelings towards the "discordant" relationship I find myself in. I am glad you seem to have reconciled your situation well. I am still working at it. Thanks again.

 

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
×
×
  • Create New...