The Pain of Being Rejected

Hi Everyone,

This is my very first post - age 31/F. I contracted gHSV-1 by receiving oral sex almost 4 years ago. That partner left me after 2 years of treating me like crap. I stayed because I did not think anyone else would want me with HSV. I felt so alone when he left.

I recently started dating a friend who I have known for a little over a year. We have many things in common and the chemistry between us is like nothing I've ever felt before. I disclosed my condition after I felt he was serious about us. I was surprised that his reaction was very understanding and calm. I told him about how suppressive therapy, condom use, and avoiding breakouts could minimize risk to almost nothing (1%). He acted like it was fine and was very empathetic to my situation. We even got a bit sexual afterwards in the bedroom (no intercourse).

He had a day to google everything about HSV and then came back to me basically saying that it was a deal breaker and that he could not risk catching it from me, even if the chances (with condoms and drugs) were very very low.

All day I have been crying. He is someone I really respect. He is intelligent, educated, and very respectful/gentlemanly. He has said on MANY occasions how amazing he thinks I am. If HE is not willing to accept me with HSV, who the hell will?? I am not mad at him for rejecting me. I completely understand his perspective. I am just mad at myself for attempting to find love. I realize now that I do not have the right to do that. I don't have the right to ask someone to risk contracting this for me. The sum of everything that I am is not enough to outweigh HSV.

I feel so defeated, sad, and very very alone. None of my friends or family know about this, so I am forced to cry and suffer about this in silence, by myself. I don't take rejection or abandonment well. Although he is right to toss me aside, that doesn't make it hurt any less. I feel like the only person in the world with this problem. All of my friends are in happy healthy joyful relationships and look at me wondering why I am still single. They don't know how broken I really am.

Does anyone have any advice to offer on this? What were your experiences?

@Jjen I'm so sorry.

First of all, regarding the statistics you referenced, please be aware that they are specific to HSV2. While statistics are not yet available for GHSV1, at least one well regarded clinician (Terri Warren) has suggested it's not unreasonable to assume transmission risk of GHSV1 would be 1/3 that of genital HSV2 due to less frequent shedding. Also, please note that if a partner already has oral HSV1 (as most adults do), the risk of transmission is almost zero as they have existing antibodies to protect them from infection.

Having said all that, any risk at all will be too much risk for some people. In my experience, these people are in the minority, but I've reached a point of swiftly moving on when I encounter this type of situation. This leaves me open to meeting someone who is comfortable with the risk (in my experience so far, most people fall into this category).

There's also the issue of someone having anxiety as a result of *knowing* the risk exists. For instance, it's likely more than half of your guy's previous partners had HSV1, and unless he uses barriers when receiving oral sex, he has placed himself at greater risk of contracting GHSV1 from those partners than the risk he would take in having sex with you. The difference is that he is aware the risk exists with you.

Hang in there! I promise it won't always be like this. It will get better. (((HUGS)))

@optimist - Thank you for responding. This makes a lot of sense. People don't realize that any time they receive oral sex they are at risk of contracting the virus. And no one thinks to disclose the fact that they have oral HSV, because it's such a "normal" thing. But the second you tell someone that you have gHSV-1 they are suddenly afraid of you, despite your willingness to take numerous precautions to prevent transmission that would never be taken if someone has oHSV-1.

I will move on to trying to find someone who will understand that just because I have this, doesn't mean they will automatically catch it. I am just so disappointed because I thought that of all people, this guy would be the one to understand and accept me as I am... I really really like him and enjoy his company and he has said the same to me. It makes me so sad to know that we would continue seeing each other if it were not for this one thing. He may meet someone down the road who isn't so honest and up-front about it like I was. Not everyone has the integrity or courage to disclose. I respect his choice, but it still hurts.

@Jjen I understand. I'm sorry you're going through this. Having disclosed many times now, I haven't noticed any pattern at all that allows me to predict who will be fine with it and who will not. I've accepted that at this point, not to say it isn't still disappointing sometimes. And of course sometimes it's very pleasantly surprising when someone reacts in a way that's better than I could have imagined. So it's a mixed bag and not at all predictable, in my opinion.

I'm glad to hear you plan to move forward and try again. I think people can get easily discouraged when things don't go well early on, but if you keep trying, you're likely to find most people are very accepting. I recently disclosed to someone who then went silent and it was a little disappointing, but I'm able to look back on all my positive disclosure experiences to reassure myself that acceptance is the more likely outcome. It just takes time to build up those positive experiences. My first positive disclosure experience seemed like a miracle. It really helped me gain confidence and gave me some momentum. Since then, most of my disclosure experiences have been similarly positive, but that first one really made a huge difference.

I'm really sorry that you feel that way after the rejection. What helped me was believing that even though this guy has great qualities.. he was not for me. Sometimes we get caught up in thinking because we vibe with someone that they're the one. Sounds so cliche but time will heal your hurt feelings and self love will come about. That helps with rejection.

It sucks being rejected for a cold sore! I've been dating for a while and usually disclose after the first date and so far only one man has rejected me for herpes. I don't feel my way is for everyone but it stops the agonising over how to tell and how to avoid sex.

Not everyone will accept you, but that's true regardless of having herpes or not. Forget that guy and move on because there are many many people out there who don't give a rat's ass if someone they attracted to has herpes.

I need some advice, I have been thinking about this for a while and I decide to seek advice. Hopefully someone will response but I got diagnosed about 9 months ago. Ever since I have been in counseling to deal with it and forgiving myself for the wrong choices in my past relationships. It does get hard and I given up on dating and the idea of marriage and kids. But in all this, I have met someonee

who was around when I had my 1st outbreak, me and him never went all the way. But he would have been the perfect guy for me. He knows I have it and thinks we can never be a true couple because of it so we are friends. We have come to have deep feelings for each and I have fallen hard for him. He is truly would have been the best choice in a husband cause he is everything I ever wanted in a husband. He likes me in many ways I have always wanted to be liked, he took his time in knowing me. I laugh and smile a lot around him. He has a daughter from a previous relationship and she is a great little girl. With that he has his own issues so that is why I wanted to patient but I am trying to figure out why he stuck in my life after knowing what I have and how to get him to be ok with it. I know he is scared as I am but I don't know how to convince him that I am always looking out for his best interests and how I know I can protect him. If anyone has advice it would be wonderful to hear.

Almost 2 years ago I met someone online that I really liked. At that point I had known about my status for a few years but hadn't found this site so I was still in the dark about a lot of things about having H. This guy and I talked on the phone quite a bit and finally met in person and had our first date. It was the best first date I had ever had, we had a picnic at the local lake, talked for hours and had our first kiss under a full moon at the lake edge there. It was absolutely wonderful. About a week later he invited me out to his place for the afternoon (he lives on a farm) and I did go. Things started to get a bit hot and heavy and it was at this point where I told him, he was definitely shocked. He thanked me for being honest and we spent the next few hours wondering around his farm.

At that point we rarely went a day without speaking and now it was days and he hadn't called. When I called or texted him he would tell me he was still interested but needed to do some research. Days became weeks and we rarely spoke, I was devastated to say the least. It was then that I discovered this site and educated myself. I also decided to keep dating so I completely rewrote my profile and come out to everyone in my profile. I decided I wasn't going through that again and that I wanted anyone who might be interested to know before we even contacted each other. Funny thing with that, I was getting more people, both men and women contacting me and telling me that not only did that take guts but it also showed integrity. I was also getting more men contacting me then before, go figure.

It was then that I met someone from a different state and we wound up dating for the next 18 months. I even moved out of state to be with him for awhile. He didn't care about my condition at all. Unfortunately that didn't work out for other reasons and I put my profile back up. I kid you not but within 3 hours of my profile being back up the previous man I was seeing got a hold of me. He regretted what he did and letting me get away and we are now back together these last four months. Not only that but the sex is fantastic, he has come to terms with it and it truly isn't an issue.

I guess my point of writing this book is to say that sometimes the ones who seem to "run" at first just need some time. My guy had to wait for a year and a half until I was available again but at the moment things are going well.

At casi1001, I don't know if you were replying for me but the problem with him is that he is too used to being by himself and working in his garage. It is really hard for him to go out with me as a friend instead he would rather be in his garage working on his cars. I don't mind it at all cause I love the quality time spent with him in his garage watching him and learning about cars. Since we talk all the time while he does. He has become my best friend in all that 9 months. So I have tried everything to see him happy with me but I am ruining out of ideas. I can't walk away from him either he such a wonderful guy.

Belle3738, I was replying to anyone who could find it helpful :). I have to say though that I LOVE that you are willing to learn about working on cars, not many women have any interest like we do and in all honesty...guys find that hot. Have you suggested that he come to this site and read any of the post at all? He really might find that helpful. If he isn't interested in doing that I'd have to wonder if he was really interested at all to be honest. Sometimes men need to loose something for them to know what was right under their nose. Maybe you should consider either dating again or letting him know your thinking about it and see what he says or does? If you have been waiting for 9 long months I think he either needs a swift kick (nudge) or maybe you should think about trying to move on. I've been in your position (before I knew my diagnosis) and now that I look back I wish I had either been more forward or just moved on sooner then I did. Looking back I think of how much time I have wasted waiting on things. Life is to short, who really knows what will happen tomorrow so we have to learn to live for today.

All H is is a skin condition in an inconvenient area. Everyone thinks they have something their embarrassed about for some reason or another, it could be a skin condition like this or Psoriasis or birthmarks or just something they did in their past. Don't let something like this that is so trivial in the grand scheme of things define who you are or what you do. Live your life and enjoy every minute of it, don't spend it all wondering "what if". You deserve everything you've always dreamed of, don't let this pebble trip you up.

I guess my point of writing this book is to say that sometimes the ones who seem to "run" at first just need some time. My guy had to wait for a year and a half until I was available again but at the moment things are going well.

Thanks for that story. It makes me feel much better. I met a guy online too and we got close. We tested for stds, I found out that I was positive and he decided he couldn't handle it. tbh, there were other issues too (I didn't think they were insurmountable but he would say I think we should end this but we'd end up together again) but I feel like we have a very strong connection. but ultimately, I think H tipped the point. maybe one day he'll turn around, but I'm not really holding my breath. nevertheless, there is still the slightest glimmer of hope.

Casi1001,

Thank you so very much. I have to say that finding this site is truly a comfort, Reading and getting Encouraging words from someone who has experience in the same issues is truly gives a person piece of mind. Thank you again.