How do I Help the person i infected. Cannot forgive myself

45 year old divorce single father.

I did not disclose my HSV2 and infected the love of my life!

I'm really confused and having a hard time understanding myself and why I did what I did.

About 1 1/2 years ago I had a full panel of tests including STDs. The reason for the STD test was not because of anything was existing... to the best of my knowledge I have never had one before. At the doctors office the Dr. came in with the results of positive for HSV 2. Like any other doctors visit he really didn't spend much time with me because they're only allowed so much time per patient. He said don't feel bad one out but five people have it. And of those people 80% don't know that they have it. He said because I have not had breakouts the risk of passing it on was minimal. He said condoms help minimize spread as well.

At the time i was not seeing anyone. Six months ago I met someone and was celibate up to that time. Things developed and with in a few weeks we were intimate. I didn't even think about the HSV2 i had. I think mostly because it was presented to me in such a light manner by my Dr.

But that is no excuse. I own what I did!

I just wish I had taken more responsibility and did my own research on this in the beginning. Had I known everything I do now I, without any doubt, would handled this the right way... disclosing before intimacy and used preventative measures. Especially learning how horrible this is for women to deal with physically and mentally.

I would do anything for this person...I have never cared about anyone more... and the last thing i would ever do would be to cause harm. And yet that is exactly what I have done. I did not disclose my HSV2 and infected her. I hate myself beyond belief!!!

This is by far the most horrible thing I have ever done! We have grown so close and share the mutual feeling of being madly in love. Intimacy was not even a very big part of our relationship. We had such a strong bond with everything else.

I now must tell this person that I knew I had hsv2 and did not disclose. The hardest part is that there is nothing I can do to provide any remedy.

I want to ask for forgiveness and try to explain that I did not mean to harm her... but don't feel I am worthy of even forgiveness and that my explanation is unjustified and insulting.

The only thing I feel I can do to provide relief is to give her as much of my financial worth as possible. That may sound crazy to some and maybe not enough to others. But she will have to live with this the rest of her life!!! It's is going to cause her pain and suffering both physically and mentally. I feel the money will help provide relief in other areas of her life.

I know once I tell her she will most likely say she never wants to see or hear from me again.... understandably so. I have read about so much "hate" from people who were infected by the one person they love and trusted in. I have not found much of any reads with forgiveness/understanding... which makes sense.

What can you do if they will never see or talk to you again?

How can you help them cope and live with (h) if you have no access to them?

I know I need help myself in coping with what I have done... but my first priority and biggest concern is for her!

In closing, I would like to say I wish there was there was as much or more emphasis (from CDC, Physicians, etc.) on the "mental health" side of this virus. I feel it is far more difficult to deal with and poses a bigger threat to our overall well being than the "physical health" side of it.

Thank you for this forum.

Are you absolutely sure it was you who infected her? She might have already had it but didn't get symptoms. It's also possible that she might have slept with someone else who had it while you were seeing her.

Don't beat yourself up. If your doctor didn't make it clear that you had to disclose, and you had no idea about disclosure, then it wasn't like you were trying to hide it from her. It sounds like you didn't think it was a big deal, like many people do with cold sores. Almost nobody discloses cold sores, so that's what it sounds like you were thinking.

Either way, it isn't the end of the world. You make it sound like you cut off her arm or something. Not trying to say don't disclose, but you are blowing the impact of herpes way out of proportion. It's just a skin condition for christ's sake.

There are many other worse skin conditions that people get.

Going forward, disclose to any new partners.

Thank you for the reply. I appreciate your comments :-). I'm sure I'm the one who impacted her she had a clean bill of health. The reason I'm taking this so seriously has ever had enough here to realize how much of an impact this has on people especially women and the mental anguish that for some has lingered on for years. The hardest part of this is there's nothing I can really do to right my wrong.

People make mistakes. You admitted it. There's not much more you can do about it except letting your experience inform your future choices.

Hi, @IwillneverforgiveMe. Have you thought about maybe just printing your post and reading it to her?

We all make mistakes. I know I was really mad at myself for a long time for "not knowing better." In the end, I had to tell myself about 10,000,000 times: "K, you didn't know. You didn't know. You didn't know. If you did know, you would have done things differently. But you didn't know. All you can do is get really educated now and make the best decisions you can in the future. You can't change the past, and beating yourself up for eternity is not going to help your future. You did the best you could with the information you had. Now that you know more, you'll make better decisions in the future."

What you can do is be honest with her, explain where you're coming from, apologize, and offer her your love and emotional support. If she never wants to see you again, then that's her decision. You can't do anything about it. Just like you can't help her cope if she doesn't want to be a part of your life anymore--none of which you know until you have a conversation with her. She might surprise you.

Getting a herpes diagnosis can be a helluva bombshell for many people. Give her some space if she reacts strongly--herpes plus a broken trust is going to be a double whammy. Not only that, but she has a lifetime of previous experiences and beliefs--all of which have nothing to do with you--which will influence her reaction and you have no control over. What you do have control over is you--how you tell her, how you support her afterward if she wants the support, and how you react and move forward if she walks.

Personally speaking, offering her money at this point feels really....I'm not sure of the right words to use.....not good. Maybe some women would be thrilled, and take the money and run. I would be really hurt and insulted at the insinuation that someone can buy my forgiveness or good will with money. I wouldn't want your money. I would want your love and to be able to trust you. I hope that doesn't sound too harsh. I certainly don't mean it that way. Just offering another perspective.

We're all doing the best we can. I hope you'll find a way to extend some of that compassion to your own self. {hugs}

Thanks so much Hiking Girl! Some excellent advice and words of wisdom!

Agreed on the Money.... almost insulting to offer.

Thanks again, Very much appreciated!!!

I did not read above how you know she is hsv2 positive....was she tested before your relationship and again after with blood work? Culture? I ask these things because like stated above there is a chance she was infected prior to your relationship and didn't know or was not properly diagnosed...also, just because you are intimate with someone, does not mean you will transmit the virus....

I was either not properly diagnosed, or was and do not remember anything other than being young and presenting with my painful first outbreak...30 years later, and no noticeable outbreaks, I was officially diagnosed.

Offering money? I agree with above, don't do it, but of course if you love her, and she is financially struggling, I am sure the help would be greatly appreciated, regardless of her hav status.

Good luck

I think you can help her the most by leaving the door open to forgiveness. I had the experience of learning that I had more than likely gotten infected by someone who knew. While there is no way of knowing for certain, since this virus can be dormant, I didn't have any antibodies when I was tested and was only with that partner.

We also had much more of a connection than just physical, and the whole experience of him not disclosing and never owning his actions to me, was the deepest betrayal. After the reality of the virus sets in, I think most people understand it is not so bad and not really worth it or the point to hold someone in contempt for getting it. Now that I have it, I sort of see it as the "cost of doing business". That may be a crude way of putting it, but it rang true to me.

Forgive yourself. It is challenging, but you do deserve your own forgiveness and understanding. Living in regret and self loathing is just a complete waste of energy and life.

If you haven't already, I think the best thing you can do to make things right, is apologize to her. Give her the chance to forgive you or not forgive you. That will be difficult, I'm sure, but she is just as vulnerable, if not more vulnerable than you are. If money has been something you have discussed than maybe, but I know in my experience, a conversation and if my partner had owned the lack of disclosure, my emotional pain would have been a lot less.

This is just my take, in any case, forgive yourself.

Sit her down and just explain the situation. As hippyherpy said.....it's not the end of the world!!! Not even close. If this girl really loves you, she will forgive you and you will both move forward. If she doesn't, you will have to move forward and always disclose and use protection. It's going to be ok either way.....

I don't think you're blowing it out of proportion at all. Both of your lives are changed forever, it's nothing to take lightly but at the same time you can't keep beating yourself up. If you explain everything to her and tell the truth, there's a chance she'd be forgiving and understand that this is something that happens. I forgave my boyfriend who I trusted and believe is the love of my life. I believe you being there for her and being supportive is the biggest thing you can do, sometimes that's all we need.