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Telling it all


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Not sure where to start. I'm really scared of anyone finding this out about me so I don't really have anyone to talk to about it. Let me start with some of my history.....I got crabs when I was in high school. chlamydia when I was in my 20's. I think I actually had it twice. (I've never shared this with anyone before. - too embarrassing). After that I was always scared to death to get another std. I asked partners if they had anything. They said no. I was in monogamous relationships. I used condoms. Thought I was being careful. But how careful can you be when you're always drunk? I knew other people that had herpes and I would warn my friends about them. Not talk bad about people but just say hey be careful, don't get mixed up with that person, they have herpes. I am a bit of a germaphobe. Always have been but it seems to get worse the older I get. I also obsess and worry so I always worried about this type of thing. So anyways, I met a guy in 2011 and was dating him for a year. Super in love thought we were going to get married. First guy I felt this way about. I would occasionally have an irritation down there but it was more towards the anus area and it was like a swollen little line. Never a blister or sore. It did hurt when I had a bowel movement so I thought it was a hemorrhoid (first time I felt this was in 2007). I had actually gone to 5 or 6 different doctors and no one could figure it out. I remember one of them saying "if you had herpes you would know it." Finally in 2012 I had blood work done. October 22, 2012 is when I found out I had hsv2. I remember feeling like I was going to pass out. I was crying to the nurse practitioner and saying I've tried to be so careful. She asked me if I had every guy I slept with show me his std tests to make sure they were negative. I said no and she said well obviously you weren't very careful then. I remember feeling like I wanted to die. I Have felt that way many times since. The guy I was dating said he was ok with it and still loved me and wanted to be with me. We tried for another 1 yr and I even ended up having a baby with him in 2014 but I couldn't shake the depression and he couldn't deal with it so he left. I live my life day to day trying not to think about it but I'm always scared. I'm scared somehow I'll pass it on to my child, Scared he will tell people (he threatens this when he gets mad at me), scared of knowing I will be alone from here on out (because I have chosen to remove myself from the dating scene), scared to ever tell anyone or talk to anyone. Scared of everything. It's eating me up inside. It keeps me from enjoying life. I feel bitter and angry. That someone wasn't honest with me, that I made bad choices, that I was always so scared of getting this from someone but now I'm that someone, that I don't really even know who I got it from (I have an idea because of who I was seeing in 2007 but it's not confirmed), that I didn't make it work with my child's dad because he was my last chance at a relationship. Scared about so many things. I made a lot of bad choices. Not sure I will ever be able to forgive myself. I've gone to counseling, I've read things online, I've prayed, I've read self help books and quotes and all kinds of stuff. I'm so down on myself and I have very little self esteem left. My counselor would tell me this doesn't define who you are but I think that it does. I feel awful about the mistakes I've made and I wish so badly I could take them back. I doubt my ability to be a good mom. I don't know if I will ever feel confident again or love myself. I just feel hopeless. I know this is a lot that I wrote. I could keep going. I have so much to say about it all and no one to talk to. Help is definitely needed in my world so if anyone can provide it, please do!!!

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Some people contract herpes the first time they ever have sex. I would consider myself a very informed, educated, and healthy person and I got it. It's a likely product of having sex, especially if you have numerous partners. There are too many people on this earth who have herpes that it really has to stop shocking us when we get it. It's been said on this forum a million times, but the key thing going on is that most people who have it, do not know they have it (due to denial, lack of testing, and/or symptoms they do not notice enough).

 

Now I think the challenge you've been dealing with is the relationship issues with your ex, plus you are concerned for your child. The best thing you can do for your child is love yourself so you can be happy and strong for yourself, which will then be the best thing you can do for your child's sake.

 

If your ex is hanging your herpes status over your head as a threat, then he is sick. I realize it's complicated because you guys have a child together, but you need as little of that guy in your life as you can afford, in my opinion.

 

Do your best to stop condemning yourself with the "mistake" word. I'm assuming you did the best you could in your life given the information you had. You asked your partners if they had anything and you trusted them. It's really lame of that nurse to say you weren't being careful because you didn't demand your partners STD testing docs. Yes, it is possible to do that and maybe I'd do this if I was going to a swinger's party or something -- but this nurse is talking from a damn health clinic and not the real world.

 

In closing, I think this is more about loving yourself in general and not as much about herpes. Herpes has been a big trigger though I suppose. Surround yourself with people who are positive and loving as much as you humanly can possible and be very picky about where you put your energy. Not sure about your life situation, but try to focus on things you enjoy doing for yourself, and your daughter.

 

BTW, I am not a big proponent of H+ dating sites at all, but they might be an avenue for you to get your feet wet in dating if dating is too daunting. I've never used them though and I've heard mixed reviews to say the least.

 

Take care of yourself.

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Thank you! I appreciate the kind words and encouragement. I'm not really into dating sites at all. Herpes or no herpes. At this point in my life I just don't think I will ever date or have sex again. I think I am ok with that. Just makes me sad some times. :(

 

Gotcha, yeah the timing has to be right. Use this time to focus on yourself and your daughter.

 

Please do not resign yourself to no dating or sex again though if you want it in the future. There are endless examples of people on here finding anything from serious relationships to casual sex, while maintaining their integrity.

 

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Wow! What strength and honesty you have expressed. I have a question for you. What if your best friend or sister came to you with the exact story that you have just shared? What would you say? What would you express to them if they were in Your shoes? Would you treat them differently?

Would they mean any less to you? If you witnessed people judging someone you loved that had herpes what would you say in their defense? Aren't you worthy of the same level of respect and love for yourself? I hope that you will take the time to watch and read Adrial's articles and videos.

I am not going to try and coax you into feeling something that is not in your heart. I just want you to know that we are together in this. I cannot speak for everyone but I can tell you I have felt so many similar emotions that you have expressed. Please take the time to sit and breathe. Just one day at a time. You don't strike me as someone that gives up. I am happy to offer any support that you may need. Please don't blame yourself. None of us expected to have this circumstance take place. You deserve a happy life. Think of the role model you already are to your child. If you were not an amazing human being... none of this would have you searching for the inner peace that you so deserve.

 

Peggy

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The H Opportunity

 

Here's the secret ...

First things first: Stop beating yourself up! Just stop it! (Trust me on this.) You don’t deserve any of that self-abuse! Beating yourself up for something that happened in the past doesn’t change what you can’t change and it isn’t part of the healing process — it’s part of the re-injuring process. What good does it do to feel ashamed and guilty? Feel the genuine feelings if they naturally come up. Sure, feel sad. Feel angry. Feel confused. Let those run through your body (e-motion = “energy in motion” — let it move in a healthy way if you feel it!) But don’t shame yourself. Don’t guilt yourself into feeling even worse. You can’t change the past, but you can learn something about yourself from it.

 

 

True healing happens when you can stop shaming yourself and start accepting yourself. When you accept yourself, you are loving yourself. They go hand in hand.

 

 

As Buddha says (I’m not a Buddhist, per se, but the guy makes some great points!): Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional. Pain happens in the body. Suffering happens in the mind — when you run your painful memories and beliefs through the mousewheel of your mind. If you allow pain to be felt and let it go, then it doesn’t reappear in the same form that it came in. But it does reappear if you keep putting yourself through it over and over again. And how often do we allow our minds to take over and replay all the horrible memories from our past? Do you know that in brain imaging studies that the brain knows no difference between feeling actual pain in the body and a memory of that pain? Every time we use our mind to remember something painful from our past, we might as well be going through it all over again as far as our minds are concerned.

 

 

There are stages to this healing process that you currently find yourself in. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross developed the 5 stages of grieving, but let’s think of them as stages of healing instead, shall we? Where are you in this process of healing?

 

 

1) Denial

· “I don’t really have H. The blood test was wrong.”

· [after an initial H occurrence] “That was just razor burn.”

2) Anger

· “Why was I such an idiot to have s*x with him/her?”

· “I hate the person who gave this to me. I want him/her to pay for doing this to me.”

3) Bargaining

· “You know, a cure for H must be right around the corner by now. Medicine is advancing in leaps and bounds.”

· [talking to a higher power] “I promise if I don’t actually have H that I won’t make whoopie with anyone EVER again.”

4) Depression

· “I give up. I’ll never find anyone to love me. I’m dirty. There’s no hope. Since herpes is for life, then I’ll be sad for life.”

5) Acceptance

“H is just something that I will deal with in my life. It’s ultimately just a skin condition with an unfortunate reputation. I can move on and live my life.”

 

 

Note that these stages of healing don’t have to occur in order — stages can be skipped and/or revisited — nor do they all show up before acceptance (although Kubler Ross says a person will experience at least two). These stages shouldn’t be forced; they are meant to be understood as natural stages to an organic process. Getting a definitive H blood test to know for sure if you have it and what type (HSV-1 or HSV-2) is vital for you to move past denial. The harder you fight the diagnosis, the more likely you will stay in the denial stage. Sometimes giving up hope for something that won’t happen allows you to move on and be happy with where you are.

 

 

So what’s the point?

When you don’t force the process, then whatever you’re going through right now becomes part of what’s supposed to happen. Just hang in there, be fair to yourself and let yourself feel whatever you’re feeling in a self-supporting, nonjudgmental way. If you need to talk with someone, talk. If you need to be alone, be alone. If you need to yell, yell. If you need to eat a gallon of ice cream, eat it (but make sure to balance it out with a fresh salad at some point, too). The point is, let yourself experience whatever you need to experience. That’s healthy. If you push away what is, you stuff it down. And it’s bound to squeeze out the edges when you’re least expecting it. With all this being said, keep an eye on how your thoughts are creating the feelings you are feeling. You have a choice over what kind of thoughts you are thinking. Feelings and emotions don’t just arbitrarily come like clouds in the sky; they come because of the thoughts we are choosing to think. Sometimes the thoughts are conscious (we choose to think them) while at other times, our thoughts are more on the unconscious or subconscious level. This is why developing a mindfulness practice and self-awareness practice is key to healing fully. And this isn’t just about H; developing this kind of mindfulness will allow you to be less and less impacted by anything in your life that might have derailed you before.

 

 

Ready for the secret to “getting over it”?

Don’t just get over it and forget about it. That’s just another form of denial. Move through it. Just like if a fog were to settle over you as you’re taking a morning walk. Don’t run back to your home. Continue walking through the fog, with your eyes wide open. Eventually, the fog will lift and you will find your way back. And how do you stay walking through the fog without falling or running into things? You can’t guarantee those mistakes and mis-steps won’t happen, but what you can guarantee is that you will accept them when they do as a natural part of the process. Like I said before, self-acceptance is the key to self-love. When you accept every bit of you, who you are and what you have, then the world itself becomes an accepting place. So getting over it means going through it, with full acceptance.

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@Peggy. Thank you so much for replying and proving such good advice. I hope that some day I can be where you are at and be helping others. I feel like its been a really long and slow process for me. To even get to this point where I can go on a forum and talk about it was very hard to do.

 

To answer your questions about if I found out about a sister or a friend what would I do. I actually have a couple close friends that have herpes. I also have a sister who has herpes. I do not think any less of them. I still love them as my friends and I still hang out with them but I still feel some kind of way about it. When we are out together I have thoughts about how there's three of us in this room that have herpes. Wonder if anyone would ever guess that. I wonder how they can flirt with people knowing they have this. I wonder if anyone thinks I have herpes since they know she has herpes and we hang out. Isn't that stupid? I also Lysol the bathroom after people are over and use it because I'm scared to death of my 2 yr old someone getting it. I constantly live in fear of that.

 

I constantly lived in fear of ever getting herpes and I got it. I've even thought to myself that I worried so much I made it happen. Now I realize my track record is not that good and I've made several mistakes but ive always tried to be a good person. I was raised by good parents. I was taught to have morals and values. I think I did sleep with a lot of people (or too many in my mind) but I'm 40 and never married so I feel like it's kind of easy to rack up the numbers when your single and dating. I never really did the one night stand thing. I have friends that sleep with three times as many people as I have and they don't have anything. When people try to comfort you about this they say if you use condoms and suppressive medicine your risk of spreading it is so low but then when you read about it, it says how easily it's transmitted and that's why it's spreading so quickly. Which way do you look at it?

 

One of my friends that has herpes has talked openly to me about it. I don't think I'm the best person to talk to because she will say "who is going to want me or I won't ever find anyone to date." I just say yes you will but deep inside I feel the same way about myself so how can I comfort her? I have never told her about me. She is a very close friend but I still don't trust her. I'm so scared someone will tell someone else. We live in a small community and word travels fast. I understand how she feels and how scary it is to tell anyone but at the same time I feel mad at her sometimes because she will sleep with people unprotected and not disclose to them. I don't think that is right at all. I see how messed up my life has been since I found out and I would never want to do this to anyone else and I don't understand how people don't care if they pass it on. It makes my head spin. I tell her in a nice way that she should disclose and she thinks I'm judging her. She says how do I know he doesn't have anything either. That is correct but I still don't think it's right to sleep with someone and not disclose. I would never do that. Which is why I see myself being single for the rest of my life because I won't be able to tell anyone.

 

I was in a relationship when I found out I was hsv2 positive. He tried to comfort me and tell me everything would be ok and we would get through it together. I had such a hard time accepting it that I ultimately pushed him away. I sometimes wonder if the shoe was on the other foot, would I have stayed with him? I honestly can not answer that question. I don't know what I would have done. Knowing my personality and I how I freak out about everything I think I would have had a hard time sleeping with him and wondering after every time if I j's gotten it. We slept together for a year and half unprotected ( before I knew) and he never got it from me. But the person I think I may have gotten it from I used a condom with every time.

 

That's another thing that makes me feel bad is that I don't really know where it came from. All the stories I hear are of someone getting. From a significant other that cheated on them. Well in my mind that is an uncontrolled situation. For me, I don't even know for sure who gave it to me. I feel like that makes it worse, look worse and makes me feel worse about myself. I've never confronted the person who I think it came from. They would never tell me the truth anyways and I wouldn't want to put myself out there like that 10yrs later. He is married now so I'm assuming it's not an issue for him. He was always very adamant about using condoms. I discussed diseases with him and he told me he had none but I'm assuming he knew and just didn't want to tell me. I understand that but think it's so wrong to do that to someone else.

 

I think I've written enough for today. Thank you for listening.

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The point is, let yourself experience whatever you need to experience. That’s healthy. If you push away what is, you stuff it down. And it’s bound to squeeze out the edges when you’re least expecting it. With all this being said, keep an eye on how your thoughts are creating the feelings you are feeling. You have a choice over what kind of thoughts you are thinking. Feelings and emotions don’t just arbitrarily come like clouds in the sky; they come because of the thoughts we are choosing to think. Sometimes the thoughts are conscious (we choose to think them) while at other times, our thoughts are more on the unconscious or subconscious level. This is why developing a mindfulness practice and self-awareness practice is key to healing fully. And this isn’t just about H; developing this kind of mindfulness will allow you to be less and less impacted by anything in your life that might have derailed you before.

 

This reminds me of the mindfulness technique of RAIN (recognize, allow, investigate and nurture/non-identification. I am a freaking pro at letting my thoughts and emotions get the better of me, and in the past year, RAIN has saved my sanity at least a few times a week. Many times, even just naming the emotion(s) I'm experiencing makes me feel better. It sounds hokey--I know--but it's been really, really helpful for me. Even for upsetting times that have nothing to do with herpes.

 

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