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Really Sad with No One to Talk to


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I found out I had herpes about 4 months ago because of an outbreak and initial weird feeling after the sex with that random stranger that drunken night...(Which will never happen again obviously). Since then, I've had outbreaks every month the week before my period and every single time it sends me into a downward spiral of depression. I already suffer from clinical depression and have been on medication but am not on any currently because I felt like I stopped needing it. That is until this ordeal happened, now I cant stop thinking about how I wont be able to do certain things that I love like hiking and camping and living with no worries about wether or not my vaginal is going to turn on me. I gave it to my boyfriend at the time, who is currently still a very close friend of mine. He's not good with emotions at all and that's why we broke up. After two years of having an argument every single time I wanted to have a simple conversation about my feelings, I finally couldn't do it anymore. I still try to go to him about my emotions because I have absolutely no one to talk to but every time-like clockwork- He reacts negatively and portrays his negative emotions associated with the fact that I'm feeling down right back on to me. This fucking kills me every time. Sends me further into a downward spiral, in fact it just happened now because I came to him about how sad the reoccurrence of this every month makes me. I just need someone, anyone, a friend to talk to, to tell me it's going to be okay. To tell me to not give up on pursuing what I want to be- a Wildlife Biologist- just because I'm scared about having to be in remote areas of the world with this disease and the anxiety that comes with it. I find myself resorting to quitting school or even many thoughts of suicide when I think about the pain I have to go through every month and the fact I'm stuck with this for life for a decision that was completely my fault. I hate myself for giving myself this disease and I hate myself for going to him when I know he is unable to make me feel better. I'm not okay at all.

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You're not alone. I understand that the discovery of H can be shocking; in fact, it can be downright depressing. However, remember that this day will be a figment in your rear view years from now. I know--I have these days often & like you I live in regret from a bad decision. I try to tell myself to move forward because we can't live in the past. Often times, I daydream of a rewind or reset button (wouldn't that be nice). But I remember that it does me no good because I'll never find one or invent one.

 

All of the dreams you set can still be attained. H will not stop that.

Additionally, I'm sorry that your ex isn't supportive. If you can't speak with him, know that several of us on this site are here for you.

 

First, forgive yourself. You didn't ask for this to happen. Next, focus on achieving those goals you set. Don't let H stop you from living. The OBs are temporary.

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I know how you feel. I'm in the same boat and it really f***ing sucks. I have a few thoughts for you: Have you talked to a doctor about suppression therapy? It might be easier to come to peace with having H if you weren't having OB's as much or as painful. I highly suggest you talk to a doctor about getting treatment for your depression. If you feel like you have no one to talk to, maybe you could see a therapist or journal your thoughts. If your ex makes you feel worse when you see him, I would stop seeing him. It's difficult to study with OB's but I wouldn't quit school because it would make you more depressed if you don't have something you're passionate about going for you. I think you shouldn't be hard on yourself or blame yourself. Why feel guilty about having sex? This blog has a lot of people with H, offering advice and sharing their experiences which might provide insight for you to find what works for you as far as suppression and treatment. Read through some of the posts and there might be someone with a similar outbreak pattern that has suggestions on how to solve your specific issues. It's really not your fault you have H and you should try to be supportive to yourself.

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