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positive guide to herpes disclosure
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Facts about passing on herpes?

EmmaLynn__XxEmmaLynn__Xx Member
edited September 2013 in Herpes question(s) Vote Up0Vote Down
Basically a simple question that I can never find an answer to. My doctor told me and a friend who also has H, that its fine to have sex with a partner when herpes symptoms aren't showing. So basically, when they're no blisters, you can't catch herpes?

My friend has been having sex with guys when her blisters aren't there, but I've done my research and found out it can be caught..always! Basically my Doctor wasn't helpful, he told me the basics about herpes but never about sex & passing it on. I asked my friend again the other day and she said "Emma when the sores aren't there it's basically like the herpes isn't there!" So I thought wow I can actually have sex after a year of none.

But I had to check here first. I even have a leaflet from the doctors about herpes that clearly reads this... "Can I pass the virus to a partner if I have no symptoms?" Here's the answer, "When the virus is dormant/inactive inside the nerve cells it cannot be caught by others, if the virus is on the skin, it may be passed on."

This seems crazy, I'm sorry but my friend has the same booklet and she went on this information and has been having casual sex, have I done the right thing by not having sex at all ever since I found out? I wonder if I should have her attitude! She is loving life, lol. Tell me as much as you know about giving it to someone else please, thanks everyone x
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Comments

  • 76 Comments sorted by Votes Date Added
  • Mr_H_OppMr_H_Opp Administrator
    edited September 2013 Vote Up0Vote Down
    That's simply not true. Unfortunately the medical community seems to still be either clueless or simply not care enough to learn the basics of herpes. Here is a post on the blog I wrote about asymptomatic viral shedding.

    If sores aren't present, then there is about a 10% chance of spreading herpes from male to female and a 4% chance of spreading herpes from female to male (less mucous membrane on the penis, more on the vagina) due to viral shedding. And you never know when this viral shedding is occurring; it happens silently.

    These risks of spreading herpes are lessened by a large degree if you're taking daily suppressive therapy (Valtrex, Acyclovir, etc.), so consider doing that if you're having sex with someone who doesn't have herpes.

    But regardless of all the protective measures you're taking, new partners should know that you have herpes! Your friend should be telling her partners! She is risking passing herpes to them. (Not to mention, she's risking getting whatever they have if they aren't having an honest STD conversation before doin' the do!)

    If the idea of having the herpes talk scares you, then please read this free e-book ASAP! It will switch your perspective quick! http://eepurl.com/b4IPP

    And download these easy-to-read handouts for all the facts you need at a glance:
    http://bit.ly/h-opp-diagnosis-handout
    http://bit.ly/h-opp-disclosure-handout

    By the way, check out the video I put together about the H Opportunity weekend. Gets me choked up every time I watch it. :)
  • I can't believe the ignorance within the medical community. I have had friends told the same thing when i have encouraged them to get tested - they have been told all sorts of misinformation. I am finding too that people over 40 who have it a long time are doing the same as your friend, they were told on diagnosis years ago that they won't pass it on without symptoms and of course they believe it - if they have had no symptoms they haven't needed to talk about it and still think that the advice is true. This is how i caught it...I was as ignorant as my partner even though we had each talked to our doctors.

    That's why I think this site and others like it are invaluable...we learn from each other and help each other do the right thing by ourselves and those we are intimate with. Thanks Hopp :-)
  • EmmaLynn__XxEmmaLynn__Xx Member
    edited April 2012 Vote Up0Vote Down
    Looks like I will be staying single for a very long time then :( That doctor needs a good talking to! I just can't see how I am going too keep staying strong with this.. I have such bad days sometimes.. like today lol! I just know I have to wait till I'm older to settle down with someone who will accept it & I'm just so lonely.
  • I feel sad reading your response, EmmaLynn. It hurts my heart. Holding yourself back because of fear of being rejected is pre-rejecting yourself from everyone, including all those guys who would be totally psyched to be with you — with or without herpes. Have you downloaded the free e-book on disclosure yet? It walks you through the mindset and the actual disclosure itself that happens when you're whole and love who you are. Let yourself heal and re-connect to loving yourself again, yes. But also realize when you're actually holding yourself back from moving on and letting someone love you for you. Don't hold yourself back anymore when you don't need to. Click here to get it ››
  • EmmaLynn__XxEmmaLynn__Xx Member
    edited April 2012 Vote Up0Vote Down
    I know I would find it awful telling someone, I said before, the place I live isn't somewhere I can just say I have herpes and be ok with that. It sounds strange but I've lived here all my life and I know everyone, if I was to tell a guy, he would freak and tell everyone. So I need to wait until I'm older to find someone mature enough to know what herpes actually is, and not judge me. If anybody was to find out I had herpes I would not be able to leave my house lol. I wish I could turn back time and go back to my normal life :'(
  • EmmaLynn,
    I feel the same exact way as you!
  • I do know how you feel..I am very well known (have been on TV and sang in a well known band here in my city...amoungst other public stuff). I have been pretty open with my family and close friends (both men and women)...yet i am not actively dating anyone close to home. I have been amazed at the support from those I have told, even my adult kids (that was a tough one but i want them to be informed too and it was hard to hide how sick i kept getting for several months).
    I have discolsed to dates and it does get easier and the e book will help. I think different age groups have different difficulties with disclosing and definitely as you get older the more mature and accepting people are. But its getting it right with yourself first and accepting and loving yourself - that what I have found, I found myself again and then it got easier telling others.
    I'm sorry you are feeling so lonely...you aren't alone though and I am sending you good thoughts.
  • So that means I have to use condoms for the rest of my sexual life? Just the thought of it makes me want to be celibate forever. Hi, I am new, I have been recently diagnosed through a routine std test, and I am asymptomatic. Never had an outbreak.
  • Whoa, whoa, healing! Don't jump to extremes! Slow down, slow down! Yes, you'll have to be more careful than you once were, but think about it: it's just as much a precaution for YOU as it is for them! (You don't want to get anything else, right?) Ah, I remember my pre-herpes days ... I thought I was invincible. The whole "STDs will never happen to me" thing. And then blam, hello herpes! In a way, getting this silly little virus gives me a glimpse into my own lack of invincibility (which is a good thing to get) and allows me to be that much more careful about what I open myself up to (sexually or otherwise).

    And, aside from that, once you find someone who loves you for you, then herpes really takes a back seat (trust me). I'm in an awesome relationship now with my girlfriend who does NOT have herpes, and we decided together to not wear protection. I take daily suppressive therapy to keep the viral shedding and outbreaks down to minimize her chances of getting it, but when it comes down to it, she loves me for me and herpes doesn't get in the way of that. There are many risks people take in relationships, and herpes is just one of those things.

    So yes, you'll be more cautious and sexually aware than you once were (again, good thing) AND there's no telling what lies ahead for you as far as a relationship goes. Got it? Don't assume worst-case scenario. Your future hasn't happened yet. ;)
  • Thanks, H_Opp. The thing is, I was always cautious but I guess not enough. I am recently divorced from a 11 year relationship. My ex had oral herpes and frequent outbreaks of it at the beginning of our relationship, which is probably how I unknowingly caught both genital and oral H. We just assumed I was safe when he didn't have outbreaks. His outbreaks became less when he cleaned up his diet and in the last years of our relationship, he probably had an outbreak once a year if at all... I have never had an outbreak, so I never had a clue that I was infected.

    It is hard for me. I just don't know how much more careful I am supposed to be. I don't know how to deal with relationships anymore. I don't want to have a "conversation" with potential partners and risk rejection, so I guess I will have to date people from Herpes dating sites.

    I work in the natural health field, so I will not be doing the usual suppressive therapy, though I will try to find alternative natural ones.

    Thank you all for listening. Yes, I am still grieving the loss of what I thought was my sexual purity and cleanliness. I will be okay. I am determine to love myself regardless, and some days are better than others, some nights are better than others.
  • EmmaLynn__Xx ... Hey please Stop all the poohoo talk about u Not ever having Sex. If u are so concern with it. All U need to do Is be safe from now On. Use Condoms and u don't need to mention weather u have it or not. So when u get pressured to asking not to used it ... U may say .. 'I'm not ready for a child" "I'm in need for safety always" " No sex without it and that My final answer". Love U and Respect urself like no one will. If someone out there want u and love u they will put it on. so go have ur fun and live ur sex life up
  • rinapink76 — I totally (respectfully) disagree ... Even if condoms are involved there's still a chance of passing herpes. Nothing is ever 100%. Hell, even if suppressive therapy, condoms and a biohazard suit are involved, you're still sharing something. At least have the decency of sharing that you have herpes, too. This also brings up a whole other subject: If the other person doesn't ask if you have anything, are you obliged to be proactive and tell them that you do? My take on this is that if you're going to be intimate enough to have sex, you should be intimate enough to open up a sex conversation, too. AND ... who knows what sort of fun gifts they might have to give you? You're protecting yourself, too! What if the condom breaks and you end up with something more than a silly little herpes virus? Having the sex talk protects partners both ways. And it's just the cool thing to do. ;)
  • EmmaLynn__XxEmmaLynn__Xx Member
    edited April 2012 Vote Up0Vote Down
    I have come to realise that I cannot have sex until I wish to settle down with a long term partner, and this will not be until I am a lot older than 19. I met someone that I really like and I have been meeting him for months now, but I had to let him go. I am finding this really hard. Everyone has always said how me and him should be together and I am so upset, I cannot give him what someone else could give him so I've let him go. I think it was the right thing to do because at 19, he wouldn't of agreed to risk catching it from me and I dont think I have the right to put him in this horrible place that I am in. He has now found someone else and I wish I could be her so much. She is so lucky. I know I will forget him and move on, of course I will, but how many more people am I going to have to let slip away? I do concentrate on me now, I enjoy myself a lot and can do whatever I like whenever I like, but when you aren't looking for someone they just keep coming. I want my old life back so much!
  • rinapink76 Member
    edited May 2012 Vote Up0Vote Down
    the_H_Opp .. Yeah U are very right. its hard, plenty of ppl are not honest and how to know if they are being honest with me too, so I always carry female condoms, which I like more but of course if I get intimate with someone I do say so, Most guys they don't even care. That worries me a lot too. I have never had a condom break on me or the guy I had sex with. I understand you, I know nothing is 100% safe !!
  • Whatsthescoop Member
    edited August 2012 Vote Up0Vote Down
    In need of some questions answered,

    A man I care dearly for has HSV1, and says he has it genitally, but has never had an outbreak down there--only oral cold sores. We've been dating since February, but only recently started having sex-- When telling me of his herpes (after our 3rd date) he explained that generally he gets one cold sore a year--however, he's now had an outbreak in July, and again this month :( I went to my OBGYN and am still testing negative for the virus--so I was finding your messages very informative--I didn't know of these Suppressives. They sound like a good idea for him, less outbreaks, and for me, slightly more protection from contracting the virus.

    When he has an active outbreak, as he does right now, kissing my forehead, neck, back, etc is alright, right? I'm under the impression that he would need to kiss my lips or other more intimate place for me to catch the virus!?!?! Help please :))

    Thanks in advance for your help!
  • Mr_H_OppMr_H_Opp Administrator
    edited September 2012 Vote Up0Vote Down
    Hi Whatsthescoop. Yes, if he takes suppressive therapy, you will decrease the chances by 50-80%, some studies say. Always a good thing to get on suppressive therapy to protect the partner who doesn't have herpes. Also, you're right that it's very unlikely he will pass herpes to you by kissing other parts of your body, but if he's having an outbreak, I would suggest he doesn't just in case. Herpes has been known to produce outbreaks in random places, so if there were a break in your skin, whether it's a cut or a popped zit, the virus could have an opening to the body. Better to play it safe and hold off on that until the virus is cleared up. And by the way, you can make it a game instead of an "ew gross" experience. Does that make sense? Playfully make the outbreak mean that he can touch you however he wants, but not with his mouth. My girlfriend and I play that game and it's pretty sexy. Switch the perspective and make it fun. Hold off on kissing anywhere until after the episode has passed, then reintroduce kissing ... the sparks will fly. ;)
  • Hi,
    Based on peoples suggestion, just wear a condomn and make sure you don't have an outbreak makes the risk very low. My doctor and other counsellors have told me this. I have never given it to anyone in 18 years. Voila
  • Oh, only tell someone if you think the person really cares about you too.
  • If they care, and you let them know to make sure they are wearing a condomn and no outbreaks, the risk is very low.
  • Mr_H_OppMr_H_Opp Administrator
    edited November 2013 Vote Up0Vote Down
    hforumap - You should be telling ALL sexual partners that you have herpes and be clear on what the risks actually are (which are small with awareness and precautions). And yes, of course the more precautions, the less risk. AND taking suppressive therapy lessens (by anywhere from 50-80%, depending on what study you read) the risk that's still there with condoms and avoiding sex during an outbreak. And another thing to consider is what if where your outbreaks happen isn't covered by the condom? Even when an outbreak isn't present, there's still a risk due to asymptomatic viral shedding. All of these considerations are there so you can lessen the risk and then let it all go ... so you can enjoy yourself. ;)
  • hforumap Member
    edited September 2012 Vote Up0Vote Down
    Hi Adrial,

    I was told by a counsellor in a sex clinic that people can put a bandade on the area where outbreaks usually happen which prevents skin to skin contact helps.
  • Interesting getting down to the nitty gritty on this page. Just so you all know, I have never had H internally, ever. This suggests to me that I got it from a guy who was wearing a condom. Pay attention people! there's plenty external (for a woman) or non-penis (for a man) skin that contacts repeatedly under pressure when you are engaged in sex. Definitely not 100% on condoms and no symptoms. On another angle, I'm surprised so many here are still using the term "outbreak" for symptoms. Language is powerful, could choose a gentler word, even 'symptoms' is kinder to your body and selfimage than 'outbreak'. My favourite is still "episode".
  • When I think of having sex with a bandaid on my labia I laugh out loud!! you don't really think it would stay in place with all that sliding and slipping do you?
  • Mr_H_OppMr_H_Opp Administrator
    edited November 2013 Vote Up0Vote Down
    lively! I love it! Yes, I like episode. I also like occurrence. Anything other than a word that sounds like some dangerous criminal is trying to get out of a prison otherwise known as my body. ;) (And FYI, why I tend to use the cliché terms is so people who are searching for those terms online can stumble upon this site. That's my excuse. AND thanks for the reminder.) And I GUFFAWED on that last one. Bandaid on my labia! That's a new rock band name waiting to happen! :)

    And seriously, a band-aid doesn't protect your partner from passing herpes. It wouldn't hurt, but definitely don't expect it to be the protection you need to keep your partner safe. Just avoid sex completely when there are any signs or symptoms of a herpes outbreak.
  • labia band-aid! good one! definately sounds like a band name too!
    speaking of suppressives..it is something I would definately consider if I was going to be in an intimate relationship with someone, but what I am concerned about is the cost? Does it differ from province to province, or state to state? Or is it relatively the same price anywhere you go? I have heard it is quite expensive, which makes it difficult when you're a student :(
  • Mr_H_OppMr_H_Opp Administrator
    edited November 2013 Vote Up0Vote Down
    [Note: I am not a doctor. Consult your doc and don't take this post as medical advice.] I buy my meds (Acyclovir) through my local grocery store (Kroger) pharmacy for $40 for a 3-month supply (400mg 2x/day). And I don't have regular insurance (one of the perks of being self-employed.) Valtrex is super expensive, especially if you don't have a nice insurance plan. But everything I've read and heard says that Acyclovir and Valtrex are practically the same, you just have to take Acyclovir 2x/day instead of taking Valtrex once (V is time-released). Anyway, point is, herpes medication is super cheap! ;) (I just wonder about the long-term health effects of taking a daily medication like that. I have my eye more on that than the cost.)
  • To VirgoGirl, I go to Walgreens for mine, and generic Valtrex (Valacyclovir) is $10 per refill, that I'm aware. I'm not in a relationship and kind of want to see how my body reacts before I decide to go on daily suppressive therapy, but if you can ger generics of anything they're usually way cheaper. I think brand-name Valtrex is $45 through Walgreens, which is ridiculous.
  • Hi Adrial, oh of course, SEO, help all those people who have H acting like a dangerous criminal find a haven with you and your community, like we all have . Love the "dangerous criminal", exactly how "outbreak" occurs to me too.

    Mmm, I'll wait for first release from famous Bandaid on Labia! can't imagine the title.......:-)
  • woe... Valacyclovir refills for $10?? where do you live?? I might have to consider the move just for the cheap V!

    I'm uninsured. I live in NYC. I purchase a one-month supply of Valacyclovir for a feisty $160.

    I also take L-Lysine+Olive leaf+Atragalus (the natural version).

    If anyone knows of an online option where Valacyclovir can be purchased cheaply, do hit me up. I'm dating someone :) He's HSV-

    much LUV
    Carlos
  • So, I just mine refilled. I use the acyclovir because it just seems to work better for me. I'm supposed to take it twice a day 400mg but I only take it once a day. I definitely need to supress. I paid 15.00 for a 90 day supply. Valtrex is one of the most expensive meds out there. Always ask if you do have insurance if you can do a 90 day supply its always cheaper than a one month. If I were to pay a one month supply its 7 dollars (generic) so, Its cheaper for me to get a 90 day supply but you have to ask your Dr. to write it out for you that way IF your health insurance will pay for it that way. BCBS does.
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