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In this Discussion

positive guide to herpes disclosure






 

How to tell the ex I think he gave me H?

Hi All

I found out I have H2 late yesterday and have been in tears ever since. I've always been careful and responsible, and at 36, unmarried and seeking a long lasting relationship - this has been a severe blow.

My story isn't unique: Met a guy on Tinder 6 months ago and we had been seeing each other regularly since - albeit not a very serious relationship. He ended it abruptly beginning of December, via text (and blocked me on Facebook and Whatsapp). Only to get back in touch via Facebook on Christmas Day and we've been talking a little. I noticed a sore on NY eve so went to my GP to have it checked and its H2 (swab and blood test).

I just don't know how to let the ex know - we really only communicate via messages (and haven't had much to say to each other - his excuse for ending it so abruptly was that he was falling in love and freaked out!). I know I have to inform him. I'm quite certain it was him who passed it on to me but then after reading so much info online - it could have been someone else or I could have carried it for years so the self-doubt is insane and making me feel worse. I just don't know how to do this! My GP said it was highly likely to be the ex, given that I've never had symptoms before.

If anyone has advice or has had a similar experience - your insight would be so helpful.

Thank you to everyone who has posted stories and advice - its reassuring and comforting to know I'm not alone and that life can go on :-)

Comments

  • @Fran2196 You are not required to inform him, but if you choose to do so, it doesn't necessarily have to be a confrontation if you don't want it to be that way. You could say something like "A week or so ago, I developed a symptom that concerned me, so I went to the doctor to have it checked out. I tested positive for HSV2, one of the viruses that causes herpes. I thought I should inform you of this."
  • Thanks for the advice @optimist
  • Thought I'd post an update on my first week since finding out I have H.

    After a very tearful 2 days I finally got the courage to let the ex know (who had been asking to see me again). I did it via text which I know many may think is not the right way to go about it, but our communication was always mostly via messages (and honestly, I had to get it off my chest as quickly as I could; and I just didn't have the strength to do it face to face).

    It was agonising waiting for a reply. His response was initially "wtf", "you definitely didn't get it from me!", "I've been faithful", and then progressed to "I don't want to loose you over this" and "I miss you".

    I don't think he fully understood what I was telling him (which is understandable as it takes a bit of time) - or what H really means - I think he thought it was an infection which I'd take meds for and happily move along. I've tried to be clear and give him all info I can but I'm still not sure he fully grasps it. And he doesn't realise that its highly likely he could have given it to me!

    The possibility that he may not have H has been really difficult to cope with - cause there is that possibility! And then, how I deal with that.

    He's since agreed to have a urine test, which I'm not convinced is accurate enough if he's not showing any symptoms. I'm waiting for my GP to get back to me with advice (if anyone here can advise please do!).

    We saw each other yesterday, and had protected sex. Him knowing my status and still wanting to be intimate was a huge step forward in this journey but I'm still feeling very unsure and confused.

    So, I'm waiting for his results....

    Thank you again to everyone who has shared on this forum - so helpful and reassuring.

    Fran.
  • @Fran2196 I've never heard of a urine test for HSV. Typically, urine tests are for gonorrhea and chlamydia. I do know men who get tested regularly for STIs but always just urine tests, so I assume they are only ever being tested for gonorrhea and chlamydia, though they may believe they are being tested for "everything."

    HSV tests are either by swab (when there are active lesions that haven't yet started healing) or blood (IgG type specific).
  • @optimist - thank you, thats what I thought. I'm going to insist he has a blood test!
  • Hi, @Fran2196. I had so many memories reading your post. I found out I have HSV1 & HSV2 about a year after splitting with my ex-husband of 15 years. I just casually asked for a full STD panel with my Pap smear, thinking nothing of it. I had no sores, and in hindsight, the mild symptoms I rarely had over the years I attributed to yeast infections.

    It took about two months to get up the courage to tell my ex--via e-mail, actually. At the time, I insisted on text or e-mail communication about our dog because I absolutely could not keep my cool trying to talk to him on the phone or seeing him. His first e-mail back to me was, "Great. Shit." Throughout the evening he continued to send a few more emails, getting progressively nicer while still insisting I couldn't have gotten it from him, but I'll never forget that initial reaction.

    Ultimately, my ex tested negative. I've said this before on the forums, but I'm still in shock. Because that means we had unprotected sex with no antivirals for 16 years and he never got it. Initially, it drove me nuts not to know who gave it to me. I had a handful of partners before him, all fairly short-term in nature, and I wasn't in contact with any of them because it had literally been 20+ years. And at the same time I was totally pissed that my ex didn't get it. *I* get it from short-term relationships always using condoms, and he doesn't get it. Unbelieveable.

    Occasionally I'll have a bad day and be really resentful of my "bad luck." Then I remind myself that I can't go back. I can only go forward. Even with all of the uncertainty that entails. It took me a long time to get to the point where I could take that perspective. This is all so new for you and so many emotions and feelings result from a herpes diagnosis. Be kind to yourself. And regardless of what happens with Mr. Tinder, know that you absolutely deserve love and acceptance regardless of herpes. {hugs}
  • Although I could be wrong, from what I read, it's harder for women to transmit it to men, than visa versa
  • @HikingGirl - thank you, your post really helped so much - appreciate it very much!
  • @Bambina3 - that's my conclusion from all I've read too.
  • Dave Member
    @Fran2196 Considering most people that have it, don't know they have it because they get little or no symptoms. It's not uncommon to be with someone for decades, not knowing you have it, and never giving it to them. So it bothers me when a GP says it was highly likely your ex, because you didn't have symptoms before. That's an uneducated GP.

    That fact of the matter is, that HSV is nothing to worry about. It's just a skin condition that at most is annoying for "some" people. The unwarranted stigma is worse than this virus.

    This video might help.
  • @Dave - thank you. I've read a lot of info related to what you've said about often people may not know they have it (for years!). Thanks for the video, much appreciated.
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