Frustrated.

First off, I'm definitely not one to blog or seek out comfort/understanding through a support website. I have so much I want to say...

I don't know that it will all come out the way I intend but here's trying...

I found out I had genital herpes at the age of 17 just before my 18th birthday. I have an idea of where I may have contracted the virus because I had only had contact with one person unprotected. My ex fiancé and I had just gotten together a couple months before I found out and we never got him tested to find out if maybe he himself had the virus too. We later found out that he did not have type 1 or 2. We were together for 9 years. I've been single now for over a year and have been trying to figure out how to "date". So far it's been a rollercoaster ride of emotional ups and downs. I've disclosed to a couple men, one of which was very understanding and the other was angry because I had not disclosed before performing oral sex. I wasn't very educated on information regarding the viruses and how to handle certain situations. The connection between the two of us was fading and I had been wanting to tell him about myself from the moment we started talking but I was afraid. I felt guilty for allowing myself to perform oral without first disclosing but even so I only know that I have genital. Before telling him about myself I had only told my mother and my ex knew of course and then I disclosed to my sisters days before telling him. After going through so much change I decided to turn to a herpes dating site for support. I no longer felt hidden, I felt exposed. I felt like I was in a downward spiral. I posted a question asking for advice on disclosure. I forgot all about posting and went about my business. I don't usually post on blogs. So I start checking my messages and see I've got some responses by email. There was one email that really stood out to me and I was a little confused by what the email had said. Someone from another state had replied to my blog wanting to give me support. I was immediately intrigued just by the way he was talking in his email. I responded and we began talking. He seemed to have so much knowledge on the subject and it was enlightening. He actually introduced me to this website and said that it was really helpful and he thought I could benefit from it as well. This is my first time reading discussions after meeting him which was the beginning of September.

The reason I wanted to blog today was because I am so frustrated with everything that has happened since meeting him. I fell in love with this man and he too expressed his love for me. Things are difficult and complicated but we both definitely have our own issues to work through. No one is perfect. It seems crazy that two people could feel something so strong so early on but you can't deny what you feel.

One thing I am frustrated with is the fact that its been so hard for this person to accept the cards he's been dealt. I want so much for him to find happiness in his life and don't know if he'll ever break through and see the good it's brought into his life instead of just negativity. He isn't looking for a relationship and wants to experience a normal life of a 20 something year old. Something he feels was taken from him.

I had sort of an epiphany on my drive home thinking of everything I wanted to say but now it has all left me. I just feel so angry that I met someone so amazing who I can be my complete self with....no limitations no restraints. I can finally be me again. Only to be pushed away and left feeling empty and confused because I'm not what he wants at this particular time in his life or ever even. How many chances do you get at love in this life?...

@lostinlove I'm sorry you've been through so much and glad you're posting.

I think how many chances we get starts with how willing we are to keep opening up our hearts. It sounds to me like you're doing this more and more. Dating can be hard, with or without herpes, I think you're doing great! (((HUGS))))

Just like any typical dating situation, sometimes we are just at different places and want different things. If you take anything from this experience, take away the fact that there are still people out there that you can connect with. Maybe he'll come around in time, but maybe he's just here to be an ear when you need it.

Don't lose hope! Best of luck.

@optimist thank you for commenting. It's been tough. I try to carry on and be hopeful. It's hard opening my heart up only to be disappointed yet again. I don't know how much more hurt I can put myself through. Thanks for the hugs :)

@mmissouri I have a lot to learn after being with the same person for 9 years. I can't help but feel like I ruined the "friendship" because I wanted more affection through text, call, etc. since we are so far apart. We've met twice in person and each time felt so right. He started to become distant and blames it on certain things pertaining to himself but I don't really know what to believe. Now we barely talk because I decided it was best to define our relationship and not leave it in limbo. I made him agree that we are friends and we should be careful with the way we talk to each other since it's so hard for him to give me anything whether it be time or affection. He did make it clear to me before we became so close that he didn't want to be in a relationship and wanted to experience more sexually with other women. We got closer and he ended up telling me he loved me and hadn't felt that way in a very long time and it was scary for him. I feel like the only choice I have is to move on and either try to find another connection or focus on myself. I don't see myself opening up to anyone else because my heart belongs to him.

Don't blame yourself. If you needed to define what the relationship was to be, then you were meeting your needs. If he wasn't able to reciprocate them, that's okay. I personally would rather know then to be left in limbo, always wondering what could have been.