Dealing with herpes in college? :(

Hi! I'm new here and am desperately seeking people who are/have been in my situation.

I was diagnosed a year ago during my junior year of college. I'm pretty sure I contracted it from the boy I was dating at the time who frequently broke out in cold sores on his mouth. Even though we refrained from everything when he had a sore, I still managed to contract GHSV1. We broke up shortly after I was diagnosed for unrelated reasons.

Since then I have disclosed to 3 other guys. The first was more successful than I could have ever imagined, and we ended up having sex right after I told him. He lives overseas so unfortunately, when I had to return to the US, I was unable to continue that relationship.

The next disclosure happened when I was drunk with a guy I had been hooking up with for a few weeks (really horrible idea, I do not recommend disclosing while drunk). I texted him the next day apologizing for telling him while drunk and I got a very brief response saying that he wouldn't tell anyone about my diagnosis. He hasn't talked to me since.

The final disclosure happened about a week ago and he was extremely kind about it, but I feel like he has definitely distanced himself from me as a result.

I joined this group because I have been feeling very hopeless recently. I feel like my generation puts way to much emphasis on sex..Especially in college, it seems like a majority of guys are looking for casual hook ups. I also feel like having sex with someone with herpes comes with some type of commitment, and I don't think guys my age are ready to take the risk.

Are there any current college students or recent graduates who have experienced this? Any advice would be much appreciated!! :)

My first thought after reading your post was that you'd probably like Ella Dawson. (At least you may find her situation a little similar).

https://ellacydawson.wordpress.com/herpes/

Check it out while you're waiting, I'm sure someone will come along shortly that is in the same boat.

lulu19, to put things in perspective...you do know you can get HSV from kissing someone right? Everyone always talks about sex and Herpes, but rarely about kissing and Herpes. No one ever thinks about asking someone before they kiss them, if they have been tested for HSV and why would they? In the big picture HSV is nothing more than a skin condition that most people have little or no symptoms. Society has let the drug companies and media make this into something worse than it is.

Ditto what was said above and I might add that H doesn't come with commitment at all. You basically disclose and the relationship goes where it goes. I would suggest that you always suggest condom use. You need to really look around here and educate yourself. Ghv1 isn't as contagious as hvs2 because you will she'd less and likely you won't have many ob's. Just take precautions. You've already got your disclosure down pat.

If you are hot, then a herpes disclosure isn't going to stop most guys from plowing you. I had two girls disclose to me before I got herpes and I went with it.

This isn't the1980s. Herpes really isn't a big deal and almost everyone has it. Even more people have HPV, so that's pretty much the entire population of humans who has some some STD unless you are a nun, and I'm pretty sure the nuns get it on sometimes too ;)

@lulu19 My experience has been that most of the regular dating dynamics remain the same, just a minority of people may opt out due to HSV. So some people will only want hookups, some will want something casual and ongoing, some will want something more serious, just like you experienced before genital herpes. And it isn't like those who opt out are those who are the most attractive or desirable. As far as I can tell, there seems to be no correlation in that regard. Perhaps those who opt out are typically more risk averse than others, but that's the only commonality I've noticed so far.

As for hotness, @hippyherpy, I think if the person was attracted before they knew about the HSV, they will most likely remain attracted after they learn of the HSV, regardless of what might be considered traditional hotness. My own experience has been that the attractiveness of my partners has not changed since diagnosis. Only my own physical attractiveness has started to wane, but not because of HSV, just Father Time. :)

If you are hot, then a herpes disclosure isn't going to stop most guys from plowing you. I had two girls disclose to me before I got herpes and I went with it.

 

This isn't the1980s. Herpes really isn't a big deal and almost everyone has it. Even more people have HPV, so that's pretty much the entire population of humans who has some some STD unless you are a nun, and I'm pretty sure the nuns get it on sometimes too ;)

@hippyherpy hahaha this made me laugh. You are so right, it really is not a big deal at all, its just sad that a lot of people have been taught that it's like the worst thing that can ever happen to you! Thanks for your comment :)

lulu19, to put things in perspective...you do know you can get HSV from kissing someone right? Everyone always talks about sex and Herpes, but rarely about kissing and Herpes. No one ever thinks about asking someone before they kiss them, if they have been tested for HSV and why would they? In the big picture HSV is nothing more than a skin condition that most people have little or no symptoms. Society has let the drug companies and media make this into something worse than it is.

Hey Dave! It is so unfortunate that so many people have been taught that herpes is disgusting. I remember being in sex ed (only like 5 years ago) and they're still showing those graphic images of herpes to try to scare kids. There definitely needs to be a reform in the way sex ed is taught because the whole scare tactic and abstinence approach is so over exaggerated and unrealistic. It's sad that people who are diagnosed have to suffer from the stigma that it produces.

Ditto what was said above and I might add that H doesn't come with commitment at all. You basically disclose and the relationship goes where it goes. I would suggest that you always suggest condom use. You need to really look around here and educate yourself. Ghv1 isn't as contagious as hvs2 because you will she'd less and likely you won't have many ob's. Just take precautions. You've already got your disclosure down pat.

Hey Katidid! I've definitely done my fair share of research, and while I completely understand how minimal the transmission rate is, a lot of kids I've spoken to have been misinformed. It really all stems from this stupid stigma that exists about herpes being disgusting. I just wish my peers were more knowledgable about the virus.

My first thought after reading your post was that you'd probably like Ella Dawson. (At least you may find her situation a little similar).

 

https://ellacydawson.wordpress.com/herpes/

 

Check it out while you're waiting, I'm sure someone will come along shortly that is in the same boat.

Hey MMissouri! I love Ella! She has definitely helped me alot with feeling better about myself! :) Thanks for sharing!

@lulu19 My experience has been that most of the regular dating dynamics remain the same, just a minority of people may opt out due to HSV. So some people will only want hookups, some will want something casual and ongoing, some will want something more serious, just like you experienced before genital herpes. And it isn't like those who opt out are those who are the most attractive or desirable. As far as I can tell, there seems to be no correlation in that regard. Perhaps those who opt out are typically more risk averse than others, but that's the only commonality I've noticed so far.

 

As for hotness, @hippyherpy, I think if the person was attracted before they knew about the HSV, they will most likely remain attracted after they learn of the HSV, regardless of what might be considered traditional hotness. My own experience has been that the attractiveness of my partners has not changed since diagnosis. Only my own physical attractiveness has started to wane, but not because of HSV, just Father Time. :)

Hi Optimist! I'm glad to hear you've had such good experiences with dating--definitely makes me feel better about my future! I'm definitely hoping that once I'm out of the college setting I will meet guys who are less interested in meaningless sex and will take the time to get to know me as a person and figure out that herpes really does not define me! Thanks for the optimism :)

Yes good old father time. Age disclosure:

Right before sex:

"I want to tell you something.."

"What is it? Do you have an STD?"

"I'm old"

"What? OMG I can't do this.. I thought you were going to say something less scary like you have herpes"

hahahha

We all get old. And most people get herpes when they get older. Old and herped. It's all good though. More of a reason to make the most of your life while you can.

@hippyherpy Haha. Agreed.

I'm in my junior year of college and was just diagnosed a couple of weeks ago. What a confusing time! I also don't think guys our age are ready to take the risk. Mainly because of the negative social stigma that comes with herpes. Feel free to message me!! It would be so so great to talk about it to another girl my age thats also in college!

College male guy here. Really agree with you almost all the girls I've encountered lately seem to want a casual hookup. Personally, dated a girl who had ghsv1, which turned out to be a huge mistake for me, but the point is I chose to get in a relationship with someone who had it.

Honestly, agree with @hippyherpy if you are decent looking you'll have less of a problem.

I stayed abstinent for about a year after, wasn't ready to disclose even when presented with opportunities. Though few months ago I came to terms with myself and had my first disclosure which ended up being successful. We are monogamous and we're just seeing how things go.

The point of this comment is to show that both college aged males and females are willing to take the risk.

As a guy, I would agree many are looking to just hookup. Though there are different social circles where hooking up is more prevalent. For instance in my school the greek life has that sort of culture. Maybe take note of the guys who seem to just want to hookup and see if they share a similarity of some sort, and adjust from there.

I usually can get a vibe from a person if they are just looking for a hookup rather than trying to get to know me better its partially why it took me so long to disclose.

@IWillSurvive Hi! Im sorry if my post made it seem like I was saying only males aren't willing to take the risk, I think I just wrote it that way because I'm not disclosing to females so I haven't seen that perspective. You are definitely right about the vibe about hooking up/getting to know better, some guys are very sneaky though haha. I recently had this boy talking to me for months before we even hooked up and then once I disclosed to him (after we had been friendly for about 4 months) he slowly started backing off, and now he doesn't really talk to me at all. I haven't given up though! There has to be someone out there who won't see it as a deal breaker! Thanks for your comment :)

Hey there! I'm going to tag @hsucks, too, since I feel you can benefit from this post, too! I'm 21 (female) and was diagnosed at 19 during my 2nd year of college. I'm 99% sure I got it from my boyfriend at the time, possibly due to his cheating (I contracted chlamydia at the very least from it). I have disclosed to at least 50 guys and have told other people just as an educational thing or to correct stigmatizing mindsets. I've only been rejected maybe 3-5 times. I've had a few others who initially rejected me and then came around after giving it some more thought. For what it's worth, pre-diagnosis I had had 3 partners. Post-diagnosis I've had 7. I've disclosed to every partner. I like to joke that I'm typically the one doing the rejecting!

My disclosure method is 1) do it early - hence the many disclosures, and 2) maintain a matter-of-fact approach (i.e. keep emotions out of it, give them the relevant facts, etc). A lot of people say disclose in person, but you know as well as I do that we millennials can't handle face-to-face interaction and confrontation as well as texting lol. I typically do it by text because I feel it takes pressure off the person. They can read the text, take some time to think as opposed to feeling pressured to immediately respond, re-read it whenever they need a refresher on the facts, etc. Plus, if *I'm* more comfortable, my disclosure delivery will go better, and I feel most comfortable doing it by text.

Please PM me if you would like (applies to you, too, @hsucks). I don't get on here often, but I'll try to remember to check this over the next few days/weeks in case you reach out to me. You can also look through my post history to see more about my experience if that helps!