I do not want to disclose my hsv-2 status to my partners! This is why

I have researched this topic for days now and I just can't come up with the best decision for me. I do not have a boyfriend and I haven't had one in 3 years. I have had multiple sex partners! Before I was diagnosed with hsv-2 about 3 weeks ago, I was already feeling like love was out of reach for me. Needless to say this diagnosis has made it worse! But my question is why do we have disclose to every freaking partner when your not even sure it will be a long lasting relationship! It may just be sex, I mean that's all it's been for me for 3 years.

This is why I don't feel we need to disclose please comment if you feel otherwise

1) doctors do not test for herpes on routine drug screen so why should I disclose. If your doctor doesn't care if you have it or not why should I need to disclose my status! If doctors tested everyone I know for a fact there would be way more than 30% of the US population with HSV-2

2) I'm 26 and within the black community I fear if I I disclose it will get around to everyone ! And I will be known as the girl with the herpes (ending my love life and reputation)

3) also the CDC does not even require doctors to report on their number of patients with herpes but they have to for every other std! The only way we even have any numbers to go off of is thru surveys!!! That's obsurd! If the CDC doesn't care if I have it why should every freaking guy I have casual sex with care if I am doing everything I can to protect them!!

The thing is we have no idea how many people have this virus! People are walking around here passing it to others with no systems (how I got it) ! If the person I got it from doctor checked them for everything like he thought he was being checked then I would not be in this predicament but she didn't and he still believes he doesn't have it smh!

Why does the 10% who knows they have it because they were unfortunate enough to have an outbreak have to be the ones to tell the world!!! It should come from the CDC and your doctor not me!!

Now before you guys judge me ! I am not saying I will go into a relationship without disclosing because I won't! I have to completely trust someone with this secret because I have literally told no one except the person who gave it to me and he is still in denial and won't get tested !! Smh

I understand your frustration. I won't state an opinion about whether or not you should disclose for casual sex, but will provide you with a resource that confirms your concerns about infections rates. As a 26 year old black woman, according to this resource, you can assume roughly 60% of your female, single, same age peers are infected with HSV2 and that rate will climb to almost 80% by early 40s. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3020161/figure/F1/ However, as you stated, most of these women don't know they are infected, partially because testing is not recommended for those without obvious symptoms and that applies to most people with HSV2.

However, I will tell you that I have had great success in disclosing to casual partners. About 80% have been totally fine with it. So please know that it is not impossible to have a fulfilling sex life while also disclosing to all casual partners.

First of all, I'm living proof that you can have casual sex life (I've told over thirty girls in just this year alone), so go look up my ladies man disclosure thread.

Second, if you really thought it was OK not to disclose, you wouldn't be on here writing anything about that. But you are here. Nobody can force you to disclose, but you know that deep down you are not 100% sure if not disclosing is the Ok. If you aren't certain about that, than perhaps it's in your own best interest not to act act in that direction for the sake of your own integrity.

If you are cool with not disclosing, than you don't really need to be on a forum

like this. From what I read, you don't sound like you are cool with it, but are in fact rationalizing. I know because I was there too, and still sometimes feel like I don't want to disclose.

But this website isn't just about minimizing the negative aspects of having gerpes, it is about viewing herpes as an opportunity to actually make your life better. I know that might sound a little crazy, and like I'm rationalizing, but here are some of the benefits I've gained from herpes disclosure that so wouldn't have otherwise:

Confidence boost-

This is massive. Everytime I disclose, I get a boost in confidence. It's just been piling up the whole year to the point where I almost feel like Superman. Why? Because I have beat one of the most pervasive stigmas around through sheer force of my personality, frame, and honesty. That is a level of confidence that I could never reach before. I've actually been with more attractive women this year than in any other year my whole life.

Not sweating the small stuff:

In some ways, disclosing about herpes is like being beyond the scope of what the average person considers to be socially possible. It is like having a super power that few other people can have. That power is perspective. When you get herpes, it can be like a sort of death and rebirth like Phoenix that that knows that herpes isn't anywhere near as big a deal as it is made out to be, and that there are probably many other things that people needlessly make a big deal out of. You are above a lot of petty things in this way, and actually maintain a sense of ease in the face ofthat most other people won't be able attain.

Connection

It should go without saying that disclosing about herpes is considered by many to be a reflection of great character. It's a massive trust builder.

I'm glad you wrote this post because lately, I've been having second thoughts about disclosing.. and now Im reminded of all the good things it's brought to my life.

I completely agree with hippyherpy on this one. If you weren't having issues with not disclosing you wouldn't even be here. Something inside is making you seek the strength to disclose. (That's how it seems at least).

When you are at the point in your life where you want a relationship, I think 100% that you should tell your potential partners that you are positive. My reasoning being that they have the potential for becoming a long term relationship-risks go up with repetitive exposure. You're building trust. I could go on and on! It's natural/best when you're building a foundation of something long term to build it the right way from the start.

But I have to admit, casual sex is a gray area for me. I don't plan on having any one night stands so I don't really think much about disclosing with them. It's easy to post it's the right thing to do, but... Odds are those partners that are having one nighters are exposing themselves to STDs on a regular basis. And it's partially their responsibility to protect their sexual health as well.

Anyways. You're aren't the only one to bring up this subject. The entire point of a one night stand is to have a fun sexual encounter without all the responsibility attached to it. That being said- there is your sexual health to consider now too. You are now at a higher risk of contracting anything they may have. You're being forced into the reality of the consequences of sex, and unfortunately, have to figure out how you want to proceed. You can continue on having wild crazy responsibility free sex, and deal with the repercussions that may happen. Or you can be a responsible for your sexual health (yours, not just theirs) and have an open up front communication with them from the get go. It doesn't have to be a soul baring moment, just an adult conversation about the risks of sex. And although this statement may sound cold- if you aren't there for anything but sex, then who cares what they think of you. On to the next.

I have also struggled with the ethics of disclosing (especially as I'm on valacylovir and knowing the odds of transmission, etc.). But I always think back to my Giver, and how furious he made me by not disclosing to me and not continuing to protect me and my health. I have zero respect for him now. Whereas, if he had been honest with me and given me the opportunity to decide for myself if I wanted to take the very small risk, I would feel VERY differently about him now. Granted, that was a long-term relationship, but if I'd just had casual sex with him and he hadn't disclosed, I would definitely be furious. So I guess it depends on how you want to be perceived if the odds catch up to you.

Just remember people can and do get sued over non disclosers and win. Better to have integrity and get denied sex than have someone go after you legally. I probably would have gone after that a**hole that exposed me with herpes, and didnt disclose, but I'm tired. I have been through enough drama being a widow with 2 kids. Life is hard enough without the drama of legal systems..... Don't think for a second though that someone with more vengeance won't go after you legally. Food for thought. Then there is that little thing called your conscience. You are potentially exposing someone to a lifelong virus, without cure.....

@sail, it's pretty hard to prove where you got HSV unless you were tested and can show that you're were negative before having sex with that person. Since we usually don't get routinely tested for herpes, I would think winning those lawsuits aren't too easy. Especially if you are having one night stands. Odds are that if you are sexually active, you've had exposure to the virus and just didn't know. (All those asymptomatic people and people who have HSV1 orally for example). Burden of proof and all that.

Not advocating non-disclosure, but the thought of everyone running around suing people for STDs that are non-life threatening is abusing the system in my opinion.

Thanks guys for the response. But I have still decided to not disclose. I could not even imagine the words coming out of my mouth. I literally haven't told one person except the giver and he is such a horrible person he refuses to get tested and is completely denying it and not talking to me. Today was a bad day for me, I just thought about it all day and why I have to be the unfortunate person to actually have outbreaks.

But you guys are speaking as if I am trying to expose my casual partners. If I am using condoms and taking daily meds. The chances of a man getting it from me is 1% . 1%!! Why would I disclose for a 1% risk when 60% of the black women they sleep with have it some having no clue and passing it on.

Obviously ppl are not disclosing because I have never met anyone who has admitted to having it. Even celebs deny having it when they have been accused. I have never heard of one celeb admitting to it not even admitting to hsv1 Not one! Have u?

Ugh I just wish everyone had to get tested mandatory so we could have actual numbers and people wouldn't judge.

Also just a little about my diagnosis , I tested negdative for both hsv1 and hsv2 blood test. But my doctor swabbed a lesion said I'm positive for hsv2. I don't know my levels yet I will find out and continue to get tested. Bc honestly I have had multiple cold sores on my lips in past years but still test negative for hsv1. How is that freakin possible? Idk what if some how some freakin crazy way I don't ever test positive for having the antibodies for hsv2 !! This disease is so confusing and doctors have no answers and these sites make u feel like you are a walking herpes virus and I must shout it to the world to protect them

You have decided not to disclose and will constantly live in fear. You don't have to disclose, but you aren't being honest with yourself, because you wouldn't need to post here if you were. It's not even about the other person, it's about you. In this last week, disclosed to two girls. Yes it felt like it was a bump in the road to sex, but we fucked anyway.

Seriously- go read my thread on casual sex and disclosing. I outline in detail how to do this and have had a very high success rate.

If you aren't going to disclose, then what's the point of posting here? Go read my early posts- I was in your position when I first got herpes.

Sorry non disclosure is dishonorable. Lacks integrity no matter how you try to justify. To @Missouri I did test negative directly before this man and tested positive after. He was dishonest about status. I would have had a pretty solid case, but yes if you sleep around it is nearly impossible to source the culprit. I however do not sleep around. I agree with hippyherpy here. Get off the site if you have no intention of being honorable and warning your victims.

@Overthinker2 I understand that expectations around disclosure can seem arbitrary and unfair, especially when you are newly diagnosed and processing things and haven't yet experienced acceptance from partners. You're welcome to PM me if you need support. I'd be happy to chat with you.

As you can see, emotions can run very high when people feel they were not given a choice. I have a friend who contracted GHSV1 from a partner who did not disclose a history of cold sores (oral HSV1) and she has held onto that anger for decades, even though the partner did not understand herpes could be transmitted that way.

As I've said before, I do disclose to my partners, and I would go so far as to say I feel an obligation to do so, but I also see it as a personal choice and understand it is a complex issue worthy of discussion. For me, thinking about the nuances and discussing it with people was helpful in determining how I would move forward, so I hope you will not feel thwarted in expressing your feelings about this. As an overthinker myself, it was a necessary part of the process for me. Please do feel free to reach out to me via private message if I can help.

@sail, you are one of the few then. Most people don't get tested for herpes. It usually needs to be requested, which people don't realize, and most doctors don't mention. You do know that the majority of people that carry the virus don't even know they have it, right?

We need to be more proactive in protecting ourselves. In a perfect world everyone would know their status and everyone would be honest. It's not a perfect world. Sex=risk.

Saying get off the site doesn't help matters. These discussions only help those questioning disclosure, but reaffirm it for those that do disclose.

I actually don't think non-disclosure is the worst thing in the world. Many people do it without even knowing, and if you do know and are doing everything in your power to not spread it, I don't think you are a bad person. I think this website is more focused on the positive things that can come from disclosure as opposed to being a place to condemn people for not disclosing. Trying to rationalize non-disclosure isn't what this place is about from what I was told. In the end it is up to you and how you feel about taking particular actions. There's no mechanism that will disclose for you like a n online registry or something.

@Overthinker2 Based on your initial post, it sounded to me like you absolutely intend to disclose when in a relationship, but casual sex is more of a gray area you wanted to discuss, as well as perhaps very early relationship time when you don't yet feel ready to open up to a new relationship partner.

I know you're new to all this, and you've already seen that people can have strong feelings about disclosing in general, but I want to mention something I don't think has been discussed yet...

As you've seen, some people do have stronger feelings about the need to disclose in relationships vs. disclosing to casual sex partners. But it's not always as simple as casual vs. relationship. Some casual partners evolve into relationship partners. You'll see many posts on this topic, from both perspectives. Some partners seem to take it in stride, but some see it as a betrayal of trust, even if they otherwise would have been accepting. That's something you may want to consider, as well. And that's an example of why I find these discussions worthwhile, even if the culture on this site is generally geared toward disclosing to all partners under all circumstances. There are nuances and consequences that newly diagnosed people have not yet considered.

Some of the expectations and exemptions around disclosure are odd, IMHO, and some people (overthinkers, like you and me) are helped by discussing and gaining a true understanding of the reasoning, potential consequences, etc.

@mmissouri. I guess my point was the person I was with at the time, knew he had herpes, knew of the possible transmitability, was sexually active without antivirals and still chose to be dishonest with me and that is why I am having a very strong reaction. This was a relationship not a one night stand. I simply think that people have the right to know what they might be exposing themselves to in a sexual encounter, if the other party has knowledge. It was very cowardly what he did and showed a complete lack of character and yes I still do get angry about this because of the lifelong virus and because I feel it is a moral obligation to disclose.

I think that all parties need to take responsibility for being careful. That means that it shouldn't be up to the person with herpes only. I am for disclosure because I think it has benefits for the soul.

I could probably live with not disclosing, which I haven't done, but then I think it wouldn't be consistent with what I'm doing, and I can't really see a reason to not disclose. At the same time, there are many reasons to disclose- legal, ethical, as the sticks, and the carrots I mentioned are above in this thread.

I actually have survived your fear. I am a 40 year old black female and I would like to share my experience with you. This experience happened last year in October 2015. I was diagnosed in 2009 while I was in a relationship. I ended that relationship in late 2010. After 4 years of celibacy since my last relationship ( which is where I contracted herpes) I became involve with someone summer 2015. We were intimate and I feared telling him about my situation. We also lived in the same neighborhood and knew many of the same people.

Eventually, about 2 months later I told him and even mention that we should just end it. He said he called a clinic and they told him about it. He said it sounded like I was making a big deal over nothing. He stayed with me and didn't even want to use a condom. Herpes did not bother him physically, but he would use it as a weapon to control me. Whenever we have a dispute, he would threaten to go tell everyone we knew. For this reason and others I ended our relationship.

He was really upset, so as punishment he decided to tell everyone we knew. He ran out of the house and screamed to a bunch of guys that "This bitch has herpes". There response was nothing. One even told him really all of this over that. I was really hurt and embarrassed. Yet I was grateful at the same time because people stood up for me and told him how wrong he was. Things are normal just as they were before. People still speak to me and the guys who gave me compliments before still do the same. I get offers from those same guys.

Fortunately, his plan back fired and he became the outcast as people looked at him negatively. Then he went out of his way to befriend everyone. Social acceptance was very important to him and I feel this is the reason along with revenge he did this to me.

Afterwards, he did regret this and called me multiple times to try and make up for it but I never answered. He left me many messages. He later got into some trouble with some guys I heard and he moved this past March.

.

Since then I told 3 guys. All who were willing to get involved with me. I still struggling with this because I live in fear that someone will use this to hurt me. So I am now celibate once again.

I hope you read this and post again. It's not easy dealing with this and I relate to how you feel. I usually refer to myself as the only black women with genital herpes. I don't see anyone I know personally dealing with this and it makes me feel very alone. I hope that before you reach my age that this issue will be far behind you.

The only black woman with herpes? That's like a joke considering that statistics indicate that 1 out of 2 black women in the US have herpes. You are not alone, sista ;)

@stillstruggling Thank you for sharing your story. I'm so sorry you experienced that, but also glad to hear you've mostly encountered acceptance since then. I hope you will be able to regain trust over time.

You mentioned feeling alone in this, like you are the only black woman in your friend group with herpes. I can assure you that's not the case, but many people are unaware they are infected and others are silent about it. Please know studies indicate that nearly 80% of black single women your age are infected with HSV2, as well as more than 50% of black single men. It is extremely common but very misunderstood. I hope this knowledge may help you feel less alone in this.

Thank you both for your comments. Actually, I am well aware of these statistics because I have had countless nights of online research. However, in reality it feels so lonely when you have no real life examples. I have had two people who told me they had it only because I told them but they do not live their life according to herpes. One was a white female and the other a black guy. She told me she felt like that in her early twenties when she was diagnosed and that was 10 years ago and she moved on with her life.

Ironically, right after my first post I received a call from someone I was talking to during the summer. I stopped answering his calls because of my fear concerning herpes. He asked to see me tonight and I agreed. I agreed because I'm tired of my life having the same boring pattern of always being home at night. I'm not really thinking of sex now, I just want a change of pace.

I am going to chime in on this

I have not disclosed either....I also have not lied....I was not asked about my sexual health in the past....why is it our responsibility to bring up the subject when it takes two to tango...I remember in the past before I knew my status I always asked if they were clean, shame on them if they lied to me...after I learned my status I was thinking "great, here I worried about them and I had something the whole time"

Bambina the reason to disclose is more for you than it is for them. It's about regaining confidence and not living in fear. I agree with you about responsibility and all that. It can be argued that even if you do disclose and give them info and all that and you do all the right things and take pills etc., you are still putting them at some risk, even if they decide to do it, and in many cases, if you do all the right things, you are actually REDUCING their risk by taking them out of a market of people who don't even know they have herpes.

If you really want to do the most "ethical" thing, you'd abstain from sex completely and reduce the chance of passing it to zero. That said, that's not how the real world works obviously. Like I said above, you are always putting your partner at some risk. There is always a baseline risk for them to have sex with anybody, regardless of whether they know the status or not.

It is for these reasons that I don't look at disclosure as a thing that I need to do because I feel societal pressure. I don't have to disclose. Nobody here does.

However, the whole point of this website, from what I understand, is to find the positive things that you can actually gain from herpes disclosure.. things that you couldn't even get unless you had herpes. In this sense, I disclose for almost purely selfish reasons. If I ever decided not to disclose, it would probably be for the same. That might sound messed up, but that's the baseline truth.

As far as the other person is concerned, I do disclose because it's polite to do so and it's the right thing to do. That said, I don't think I'd have much remorse if I didn't disclose because I don't think it's really a big deal, especially since I'm doing everything possible to minimize the risk.

If I didn't disclose, I'd probably have to ask myself: why not? What are you afraid of? I'd tell myself: "you've already told over thirty new partners about it, why not tell this one?" Then it becomes a challenge to myself.

Yes, it can be annoying to have to stop everything and have the talk, but there's also a lot of other annoying things that people have to do on the road to sex. Disclosure is just another one of those things. If you are worried about disclosure making or breaking your chances of success at sex, then herpes isn't your biggest problem. I can say that from my experience it's all about your personality and confidence. You get that stuff together and herpes disclosure is a tiny thing.

The opportunity is that herpes disclosure can actually build your confidence in ways that wouldn't be available to you otherwise.

Sorry non disclosure is dishonorable. Lacks integrity no matter how you try to justify. To @Missouri I did test negative directly before this man and tested positive after. He was dishonest about status. I would have had a pretty solid case, but yes if you sleep around it is nearly impossible to source the culprit. I however do not sleep around. I agree with hippyherpy here. Get off the site if you have no intention of being honorable and warning your victims.

I totally disagree! You are the one that has no honor, when you make statements like "Get off the site if you have no intention of being honorable and warning your victims". Victims...seriously? We're talking about HSV here, not ebola or Aids. The Flu is more dangerous than HSV, because it kills people every year. HSV is nothing more than a skin condition that wasn't a big deal until the drug companies wanted to make money off it and spreading fear through the media. But even as a skin condition, Psoriasis is more debilitating than HSV. When most people don't know they have HSV because they get little or no symptoms, why is this something to fear? There is a reason why it isn't always included in an STD test, as the medical community doesn't view Herpes as a big deal and neither should we.

@dave. We can agree to disagree. Be careful to confuse dishonor with an anger reaction. Knowing that you have a transmitable virus and then not discussing with your sexual partners that there is a chance that they might be exposed is wrong. That's dishonorable. There is nothing that you will say to justify that. This is why this amazing website exists. Not only to help people in crisis, but to also give ideas on how to disclose without furthering the stigma. Anger reaction is a direct health question towards your sexual partner, being lied to about it, then when you get symptoms the person who knew he had it finally discloses and dumps you when you want to get a STD test. That is self serving and dishonorable. This is my unfortunate story and many others on here. Dont kid yourself. That is why I acted angrily towards someone who feels that disclosing is not important. Furthermore, for many people you are right, it is asymptomatic and just a skin condition; however, you are obviously not part of the medical community. I am. I have seen the worst cases of herpes as well. It has a wide range of ailments and is anywhere from aymsptomatic to very debilitating in the immunosuppressed. By all means go to a medical library and look it up. As far as disclosure is concerned, the pathway with integrity is always the one I will choose for myself, because I have integrity and want to get rid of the stigma by educating people that hsv is mild in most cases and transmission rates are low. The reason the stigma is so bad is because there are people who are predatory out there, in my case as well as others, who spread the disease without consideration for the other person. This is victimization of one's sexual partner. If you have sex under false assurance, then find out the person bold faced lied to you. (Notice I did not include those who are not knowledgeable about the herpes diagnosis or those who just don't know that they were exposed. The person to which I was referring, knows and is making the Choice not to disclose. That is a completely different ball of wax. Again for my conscience, I choose to disclose because it is the right thing to do and People appreciate my technique and compliment my integrity for it. I have also helped many people in crisis on this site find resources that they need to successfully live with herpes like I do.

There is a difference in being completely inconsiderate and not only not telling, but having sex on outbreaks or not using suppressive meds and condoms vs. taking meds, using condoms, and non outbreaks with non disclosure. In once case you are deliberately putting someone at risk, in the other, you are taking as much precaution as possible to protect them even if you aren't telling.

The point is that disclosing is not a big deal, having herpes is also not a big deal for the vast majority of those that do have it, and that many many people already have it and don't know, and if you are going to have sex with more than three people in your lifetime, you'd better just suck it up and expect to either be exposed to herpes or get it.

By not disclosing, you make it into a much bigger deal than it needs to be. You are feeding the stigma yourself like in your own mind.