I disclose immediately

Maybe it's because of my age (62), already being comfortable in my own skin before this happened to me, and realizing that life passes by very quickly.......I don't want to waste a lot of time or expend a lot of energy getting to know someone only to be hurt later when I get rejected. If I'm going to be rejected for having herpes, let it be right at the start before I am emotionally invested. That's why I have decided to be upfront about it immediately if I think there might be a chance of anything developing.

I've disclosed to 3 men since I was diagnosed with HSV-1 (genital) four months ago.

The first was someone I already knew, on a friends only basis (although I knew he wanted more). I explained to him that, in addition to some other reasons (him being too old for me and us not having enough commonalities); I also had herpes to deal with. I was actually hoping it would stop him in his tracks but, it didn't. He spent some time thinking about it and told me he had decided he would not sleep with me, but was willing to 'make out' (whatever the hell that means.....). His comment about HIS decision about what would/would not be acceptable to HIM (instead of a joint decision.....), along with a comment he made about herpes being the fault of women to begin with because we kiss our children was enough for me to shut down the friendship completely. But, it gave me a hint of what I might expect......

The second was someone I met on a dating site. On our first date, we met for coffee and went for a lengthy walk. We started texting and within a few days, he made a comment which led me to believe he was thinking of us having sex. I immediately told him about my herpes situation and it turns out he used to get oral cold sores himself. I explained to him that his cold sores were caused by the exact same virus and he seemed pretty cool about it. I indicated that I would never be sleeping with anyone unless they first went for full STD testing, including type specific HSV testing (and shared the results with me, as I will share mine with them). He seemed to be ok with that and we even had a second coffee date. Then, he disappeared.

I've met a third man and we also had the herpes talk on our very first coffee date. We've met a second time and are meeting again tomorrow. I've not yet told him about my STD testing requirement but he's had his own STD scare, so I'm somewhat hopeful he will be more understanding and receptive. If not, I can't waste my time worrying about what I can't control.

PS:

For what it's worth......While they couldn't get past my herpes for their own personal reasons (fear? ignorance?), the first two men both commended me for my honesty.

The third man didn't say anything during our first coffee date but, later that evening, I got a text from him telling me about his own STD scare and how, from me, he now knows that - no matter what happens - everything's going to be ok.

I think those acknowledgements prove that my decision to be upfront at the start is a good one.

@whoknew

Hello and Welcome!

The thing is there's no "right" time to disclose (as long as it's before sex) and we all do it at different times and different ways. I've also disclosed early (even had it on my dating profiles when I was active) and like you, had men contact me BECAUSE OF my honesty, even if they weren't sure what having H meant.

Some wait till there's a real solid connection hoping it will keep the person from walking. Personally I think if they are going to walk, they will do it no matter when you tell them.

When someone disappears that early, odds are that's just their game. If they don't have the GUTS to step up and explain why they are not continuing with you, you are ahead of the game if they disappear. Don't need anyone in the "no balls club" IMO. LOL.

Sounds like you are still working out what works for you. Just remember that if someone chooses to not be with you, it's not a reflection on YOU or H. It's just that they have their needs, desires, and priorities and there are sooooo many things that can halt a budding relationship.... H is just one of many, many "deal breakers".

These may help if you come across someone who needs a little eduction 🙂

http://projectaccept.org/who-gets-hsv/

Handouts + disclosure e-book:

https://www.herpesopportunity.com/lp/ebook

Herpes facts video

Hi WCSdancer2010,

Thanks for your input.

I totally agree with your observation about the walkers. On reflection, I was hurt but not really surprised when the man I had been with for 2-1/2 years ran as fast and as far as he could when I told him I had been diagnosed. Which is why, at this point, I'd much rather they walk before I get invested......

Thank you for sharing those links.

Yeah.... It hurt when someone rejected me because I told him the reason why I would not even make out with him. Plus my intuition was on high alert when he policed my actions (ie when I would get angry and clap my hands as I emphasized my words) which also alerted me to his inert racism. I was right when I disclosed to him my H. He felt that I wasn't honest but if anything he could not see how I respected him as well as myself by going slow. It is a gift that I have this but that experience initially hurt a lot.

I am honestly glad that you are much more comfortable and confident in yourself to be open right away.

Hi Gold_Goddess16

I don't know that I'd call it a 'gift' but, it is now my new reality and it will shape how I handle future relationships.

P.S. For what it's worth, I've now been out on 3 dates with man #3 (the one who texted me about his own std scare) and, while there could still be other deal breakers which haven't yet surfaced, it's comforting to know that HSV isn't one of them.

Hi everyone,

I was diagnosed with HSV-2 a little over a year ago. I got infected through my ex-boyfriend who knowingly passed the virus on to me while simultaneously cheating on me with numerous other women. In retrospect, I am lucky that I wasn't infected with something more serious. But still...The first 6 months I was mainly dealing with the aftermath of this terrible relationship and my poor judgement of character.

Overall I have however started to come to terms with my new life and also tried to get back into the dating scene. The disclosure part seems to be my biggest challenge. I am struggling with when to disclose and also with the rejection that has followed after my disclosure. I have disclosed to three men since I've started dating again. Two of them that I went on a couple dates with and, when we started to become intimate, I immediately told them about my diagnosis. Both said thank you and how brave I was and how much they appreciated me, but disappeared as quickly as they had appeared. Wow. Thank you much. I don't think I have ever felt so unwanted, and damaged, and not worth it. I suffered for a few weeks and then eventually got back up, straightened my crown and went back out.

Fast forward and here we are. In July I met someone who unfortunately does not live in my city. We first just texted, then started talking on the phone. In September we started talking almost daily. Long and meaningful conversations with a very intelligent and educated man. Then we started face timing every day. And last weekend he finally came to visit me. Our time together was absolutely amazing. We were very connected and had such a good time. We made out a bit but I told him that I didn't want to have sex and he respected my decision like a gentlemen. When I dropped him off at the airport he told me that he wanted me to come visit him. He texted me when he landed how much he already missed me and how amazing our time was and I am. BINGO! At least my thoughts.

I didn't tell him that weekend for different reasons. First off I was way to nervous and I already like this guy way too much. Second, I felt it wasn't the right place with him not being home but trapped in my apartment and my city.

We did make plans for me to visit him next weekend and so I decided to disclose it then as he would be in his home and in his city and hopefully in a much more comfortable environment. However, we facetimed Tuesday and he casually mentioned that he was about to book tickets to a destination wedding in three weeks that I had invited him to!!! And that he couldn't wait to have sex with me :( Bomb dropped. I folded immediately and started THE TALK.

I did the whole positive approach thing telling him how much he meant to me and how connected I feel to him. That I really like him and truly want to see where things can go with us. But that I want to built whatever we can be on honesty and integrity and that there is something that we have to discuss. The talk was horrible. I hated every second of it. I told him how I got it, how long I have had it. That I take suppressants, what his risk of infection is. He was very quiet but he asked a couple questions. He seemed visibly upset. For me and for himself. He thanked me for being honest (NOT AGAIN) and said that he needed time to think about everything but would call me the next day. I haven't heard a word from him since.

This, the waiting, the feeling of complete helplessness is what kills me. I am hurting. And my heart is screaming. I am just so sad, that with one word everything changed. That with one word I am not even worth a text telling me that he needs more time. Or that he simply doesn't want to see me anymore. With one word, the amazing me turned into something defined by a diagnosis. It kills me to think that I will have to keep going through this. And I am not saying that he will not come around. Maybe he will and maybe I wasn't wrong about how amazing of a man I think he is. There is still a chance, but my hope is slowly dwindling. THIS is the worst part of having herpes. Rejection. Waiting. Doubting. Hurting. Not the actual virus.

Disclosing will never not be an option. It will always be as much part of me as the virus itself. But when to do it, to not hurt like I am hurting right now, that is something that I don't know how to incorporate into my life. I guess just blurting it out immediately seems to be the best idea. At least I will not develop feelings for someone who will leave anyway. And if someone knows it and still sticks around, then maybe that is a person worth developing feelings for.

Big hugs to you. I hope that he comes around after he's had time to think about it. If not, we are all here for you.

Hi Jojo84.

I totally get where you're coming from. My (now ex - the one I'm reasonably confident passed it to me and, the more I ponder on it - probably knowingly) partner's reaction was extremely hurtful. It's all well and good for others to say "you're lucky he walked out; it's a sign of his character not yours, etc., etc.), but no one else had to come to grips with being called a cockroach. And - no - no one will EVER call me that again!

My doctor treated it with a shrug of his shoulders and an "it's life" comment - he really had no clue of the emotional impact. I have to thank the nurses at the local Sexual Health Clinic for helping me come to terms with everything.

It's because of the way my (now ex) partner treated me that I made the conscious decision not to wait until I was emotionally invested in anyone.

If I meet someone and feel like I'm never going to see this person again - I don't say anything. But, if I meet someone and feel even the tiniest flicker of interest on my part; I feel I owe it to MYSELF to disclose. I want someone in my life who has compassion and courage; disclosing sends the rest running quickly and I'm fine with that.

I hope things work out for you. If not - keep re-reading your very last sentence. I think the truth is there.

@Mmissouri! Thank you. I truly hope so.

@whoknew Well said. Not only do I owe disclosing to the other person, but more so to myself. I've never looked at it that way before. But how true. Why hurting yourself in the process when you can prevent it right at the beginning where the only thing you probably like is the idea of what the person could be for you rather than what the person really is.

In your case just as in mine, it is unbelievable how reckless people can be. My Ex's Ex girlfriend contacted me. She had two children with him and he gave her herpes while pregnant with his second child. Excuse me? We met and talked and she told me that he denied having it even though he was the only person she had sex with. When I confronted him he said he got tested and didn't have it. What a lie!!!! I can remember that I felt something on his penis one time and asked about it. He said it was a pimple. And me in my naive, totally in love and uneducated mind about std's believed him and didn't think twice about it.

On another note, has anyone experience with H dating sites? Is this something that I should consider?

@Jojo84 I did sign up on a H dating site.

The real down side to it is how limiting the 'free' version is. It's nearly impossible to make actual contact with anyone without spending a large amount of money each month. Like everything else, it's a business and because it's such a specialized market, the monthly fees are quite high. I guess if you have a captive market......

The only hit I got was from someone looking for casual sex (he must be a paid member).