new here - wanted to say hi :)

hi everyone. i'm so glad i found this site - the information here has been incredibly helpful for me over the last week!

(apologies in advance for the length!).

so i'm 41 years old. i was with my previous partner for 18 years, we're going through a divorce now. he and i always had issues in our relationship, and before we got engaged, he cheated on me. he let someone go down on him while she had a cold sore on her mouth. then he caught hsv-1 (assumption, i don't think he was ever tested). he told me after he went to his doctor for confirmation. he felt awful. besides, you know, cheating, he also now had hsv. i was devastated, but we managed to work things out, and at the time, the whole ordeal actually seemed to make us closer. i knew i wanted to marry him and made a dumb decision to not bother with protection (this is how my brain worked back then - "well, if i'm going to marry him and have babies, i don't want my initial outbreak to happen while i'm pregnant, because that's dangerous for the baby. might as well get it over with and catch it now!!" *insert eyeroll*). i got hsv the first time we had sex after he cheated. we did not use any protection, and he'd only it for about 2-3 months.

i felt such shame over having it that i never told any of my doctors, or really anyone at all. when i was pregnant both times, my ex got me valtrex from his doctor so i could take it during the last month to avoid any outbreaks during delivery. i know it was stupid, i should have told my midwives when i was pregnant. i was just so scared and ashamed.

it's been 13 years now since my first outbreak. it doesn't bother me much anymore - it's very mild, but it does still annoy me a few times a year. since i'm now newly single, i have to think about sharing this with new partners. that's how i found this site - i'm trying to navigate how to handle both the casual hookup situation and the dating around thing. i haven't met anyone yet in person but i did put a profile on a dating site just to see what's out there. i've had some interest from someone for a more casual FWB thing, which is good because i'm not ready for dating or a relationship now (3 months post separation). after a week of messaging him, i decided to tell him (through the dating app) about my status before we meet, because if it's just a sexual thing, then i don't even want to bother meeting him first unless i know he's ok with it. he was SO great about it. i pulled info off the fact sheet from here about the risks to him, and he said "we'll just have to be careful then." wow, how sexy is that??

i have another potential hookup friend i haven't met yet (been chatting for a few months via text), but because i actually like him, even though i don't think we'd make it as a couple, i want to tell him in person. i'm nervous about that, because the rejection would hurt more than random hookup dude.

so, for the first time ever, yesterday i called my midwife's office (i still go for well woman care, no more babies for me), and made an appt to talk about STIs and getting on antivirals! it feels really good to take charge and not let shame hold me back anymore. i absolutely hate that this is just part of my reality, that it has to get in the way for me. but after telling the first guy and getting his great response, i realized why this site is called h opportunity. :) it was an opportunity for me to see what the other person is made of. it's an opportunity for closeness and vulnerability, even in a casual hookup situation. i know not everyone will react the way i'm hoping, but it's a practice for me in owning my stuff, staring down the shame and knowing this doesn't define me. i've had a lot of therapy for sexual trauma issues in my past, and this is sort of right on the same level for me. another chance for me to know i'm ok, that i'm loveable, that i'm attractive despite my hsv status.

:) thanks for this site!!