Successful online dating herpes disclosures, female to male

I recently returned to online dating after taking some time to adjust to my diagnosis. I initially thought it would be too tricky, trying to find the right time to disclose, wasting time getting to know people and then getting rejected, but that has not been my experience at all. I should add that I am more interested in dating and FWB situations, not looking for "the one" or marriage, and I was concerned that people might not want to take the risk for something casual or temporary.

Over the last two months, I've disclosed four times. All four people were interested in moving forward. (I have not been physical with all of these people, but it was/is clear that getting physical, including having sex, was/is the desired outcome for them.) All of these disclosures were via text, which I know some people think is a bad idea, and I can respect that, though it has not been problematic for me. I'm not open enough to put my status right in my dating profile, but if the topic of sex arises before I meet someone, as it sometimes does because I tend to chat quite a bit before meeting, I'm open to sharing my status with them. If the topic of sex does not arise, and usually it doesn't, I don't mention my status and just go ahead and meet the person for coffee or some similar way of getting to know each other and establishing chemistry. Often I don't feel enough chemistry upon meeting and so that's the end of that and I never disclose to them.

Anyway, here's how it went down with the four guys I mentioned:

Guy 1: I shared my status and he said he understood because he has HSV1 and was educated on how HSV transmission works in general. He did not consider it a big deal that I have HSV2 and wanted to move forward.

Guy 2: I shared my status and he asked a couple questions in response. I allowed him to take the lead from there in terms of communication and whether or not we would move forward. Honestly, I wasn't particularly invested in the outcome. He continued texting me with the same regularity and several days later made it clear he was interested in becoming physical. I did not reopen the HSV discussion or ask how he felt about it, I just gave him time to process, let it evolve and let him make his own choices.

Guy 3: I shared my status and he shared he also has HSV2. That was a pleasant surprise.

Guy 4: He asked me if I had been tested recently for STIs, so I shared my status for all STIs, including HSV2. He said he appreciated my honesty and still wanted to move forward.

I found it interesting that two of these guys (not including the guy who is already HSV2+) expressed a desire to rely on recent test results rather than condoms. This was a pattern I noticed prior to my HSV diagnosis, younger guys wanting to rely on frequent testing as a substitute for condoms (and yes, I know testing is not an adequate substitute due to window periods, non-monogamy, hidden STIs like HPV, etc.). It's a small sample size, but so far I am finding that HSV2 is far from a dealbreaker for a lot of guys on dating sites.

I'll add that when I disclose, it is always in the context of disclosing status of *all* STIs, not just HSV2. I ask if the other person has been tested recently, though I don't ask specifically about their HSV status because I know most STI panels don't include this and because I already have HSV2 and don't feel a need to protect myself from HSV1. Anyway, I like to think that putting it in the context of an overall STI disclosure does not place undue emphasis on HSV2. There's enough stigma as it is.

I've also found that I'm increasingly able to disclose in a matter of fact kind of way, each time eliminating some background info that I used to feel was relevant, such as why I tested in the first place. These were defensive comments that I'm finding are unnecessary as I gain confidence in disclosing. So far, the less defensive I am, the better I feel, and the better the outcome. Same goes for letting people take time (within reason) to process and not making their decision for them. If someone is comfortable with risk, I'm not going to try to dissuade them. And if someone is not comfortable with it, I'm not going to try to convince them, aside from answering specific questions they may have or perhaps addressing any severe misconceptions they have articulated.

I hope this helps someone out there who thinks their sex life is over due to HSV2. I had that fear myself and I've proven myself very wrong.

Good for you sound like the female version of me.

@hippyherpy Haha. A low speed version.

Hi @optimist ! Thanks so much for this post. It makes me feel better. I've just entered the online dating world, and have specifically wondered how to disclose. Doesn't seem worth investing much time (esp living in a rural place where dates are at least a 30 min drive away usually) if I'm just going to get rejected because of herpes. Hearing your success stories helps.

@shinebrighter I'm so glad to hear that! Feel free to message me anytime if you'd like to discuss further.

Thank you so much for sharing this! I am recently diagnosed female in my 20's and I am very nervous to start having these disclosures in the future. I don't want to isolate myself from dating because of this. You stories are very encouraging.

@PositiveSeattle So glad to hear that! You're welcome to message me anytime if you'd like to discuss.

I'm 45 and I'm freaking out about it I think that's the thing that I'm the most scared about, besides the symptoms of course, the whole thing! Thank you so much for sharing

@mcf1971 If you're female and in the U.S., it may help you to know that more than 50% of single women our age have HSV2. If you're male, the figure for our age range is closer to 25%.

My experience continues to be that most people are accepting, but some people are not, and sometimes that sucks, but it definitely stings less when you've already experienced acceptance and know for sure that it's out there. (It is, I promise!) I once disclosed to a guy in his 30s who uses a popular dating app known for hookups, who is from a country with a higher rate of HSV2 than the U.S., and he was completely unfamiliar with herpes and pulled back after I disclosed. That's the kind of thing that could make a person feel really discouraged if they weren't already sure it wasn't going to go that way every time, you know? So if you do encounter such a situation, please know that there are LOTS of people out there who will be fine with it. I've had some amazing experiences post-diagnosis. (Edit to add: I don't mean to suggest there's something wrong with someone who is not willing to take the risk. That's absolutely their right. Nobody wants herpes, I get that. Just pointing out that most people I've disclosed to have been very accepting and not overly concerned about HSV.)

You're welcome to PM me if you ever need to talk through this stuff with someone. Hang in there!

Thanks. Your info is always so helpful. Do you know if these are the numbers for single white females?

@mcf1971 My pleasure. 50% of 45-49 year old single/divorced/widowed white females have HSV2. The rate is higher (>70%) among single/divorced/widowed black women of that age, so the overall rate in our age group exceeds 50%.

Your knowledge is very impressive! We need more people as knowledgeable as you are. Thank you! Would love to stay in touch via personal email. Need to figure out how to send a personal message.

@mcf1971 Thank you for the kind compliments. :) If you click on the "Inbox" link you can find direct messages that are private. Another option is to click on a person's username and then click the "Message" link.

Thanks for sharing this! Hearing "not everyone will reject you" means a lot more when you can hear a brief description of how things went with the disclosure. It just seems more real and more believable somehow. :-) You give me hope as well!

@HikingGirl Glad to hear it! My favorite so far was the guy who told me "Honesty is hot!" and that he felt safer with me than he'd feel with someone who might be unaware of what's going on with them.

There really is an opportunity in herpes disclosure that isn't present without. It is true sharing of the soul, for you and for them. Even though herpes isn't a big deal, the disclosure can be a very powerful demonstration of trustworthiness.

@optimist and @mcf1971 so glad you asked the questions and so glad you answered! I'm a 45 year old black women so afraid that my fiance (46 year old live in boyfriend for 4 years) won't see me the same. I had no idea it was so prevalent in my age/ethnicity as well as so easy for women to get.

@Feli71 I am a 40 year old black woman as well. It wasnt until finding this forum did I realize I was one of many woman exposed in this age group and/or race. I was young when diagnosed so very uneducated and naive about it. Please know you are not alone.

Thank you for the kind words @Nisee

I started online dating as well but I disclosed in my profile. I still have many people message me knowing that is all I put in my profile. Guys find my honesty attractive. Some people ask questions and I answer them the best I can. I've had over 20 people send me msgs to tell me they have it as well.. yet nothibg states that in their profile. And I've had people msg to ask questions about themselves scared they might have it and I become a support for them.

Any guy that messages with an interest tho knows about herpes and isn't scared off by it.

I really thought this was a dealbreaker myself but online dating has done nothing but boost my confidence. And I met someone amazing (Who also has herpes) who has been so patient with me while I take my time to get used to the idea if being sexual again.

Disclosure was so scary for me but now I do it with confidence :)

@optimist When do you feel its best to disclose during online dating? Before meeting or after meeting? Do you usually do it in person or via text?

I don't want to waste their time or mine if they choose not to pursue, but sometimes i feel if it wasn't going to go well after meeting in person the first time, why go through the anxiety of it?

@katytea3 I have mostly done it over text and the timing has depended on several factors, but I don't think there's just one right way. I say go with what is most comfortable for you. Some people include it in the their profile, some go on several dates.

For me, because I'm in more casual mode, the conversation sometimes touches on physical things pretty early, and I take the opportunity to bring it up (along with some safe sex expectations), even if we haven't physically met yet. If I meet the person first, and if there's chemistry, I still generally wait to discuss it until they reach out to me for a second date. If the chemistry at the first meeting/date suggested it would move in a physical direction, I discuss it before the second date. If there's no chemistry on the first date, I don't progress to a second date so no need to share that info.

Do you bring it up when the physical part of the conversion comes up even before meeting? I know there is no right time to bring it up and I guess that's the frustrating part. But if they don't accept it even before meeting then no one is wasting time. But then maybe if you did meet and there was chemistry it might make them look the other way when you disclosed. I guess it's just that "what if" game and chance haha. I'm just frustrated @optimist

@katytea3 I have done that before meeting, yes. I really just see how the conversation goes and if it feels like the right time even though we haven't met yet, I go for it. If not, I wait until after the first meeting. I haven't noticed a difference in levels of acceptance one way or the other, but every situation is unique and can't really be compared accurately or second guessed in retrospect.

Just found this older posting and trying to get more proactive and involved in the forums (its therapeutic for me right now lol!) Thought I'd add a list of my disclosure experiences over the years. I've had this a long time but was in a relationship soon after from about age 19 to 27 so I didn't get to start having the talk till then. (I got it back before there was any good info online- heck I looked it up in an encyclopedia when I got it and that little paragraph was the extent of my knowledge for years).

This isn't all disclosures but the most significant ones:

1) I was 28. Told the guy on the phone after we had started dating and things were getting serious. I was a tearful emotional mess. He was verbally very comforting and accepting. The next day he invited me over and just held me all day. So that was good. However down the road he proved to be kinda a jerk; cut himself off emotionally but wanted lots of booty calls and I ended it. But I'm thankful for his initial comforting reaction. It helped pave the way forward.

2) Age 30 Was not a crying mess but had a very hard time getting the words out so he finally interrupted with "I know what you're going to say; its not you its me...I get it you are not as into me as I am into you...its okay". I burst out laughing and then was like "umm no I have herpes". He was relieved! Accepting. We dated a few months. He was never quite comfortable with sex and that did hurt a lot, plus there were other things I didn't like about his personality so I was relieved when our work took us separate places.

3) Age 31 Disclosed calmly for the first time. Inside I was a wreck because I was totally falling in love with this guy and terrified of rejection. He interpreted my disclosure as me trying to end the budding relationship and he got choked up. When I explained otherwise he was relieved and said he totally wants to be together. I made him wait a few weeks just to make sure. Relationship lasts 4 years.

4) Age 37 This was tricky b/c we met in the state I was living and he was stationed 3000 miles away. He flew me out to see him again. I was not comfortable with disclosing by phone but felt super guilty that he flew me out and that he might be mad at "wasting" a plane ticket once he found out. At the end of a great 1st day back together I sat him down with a "I need to tell you something". His face dropped and his response was "you don't want to see me anymore do you?" After disclosing he too was relieved and we moved forward with a relationship for a while.

5) Age 38 After a month of dating this guy I sat down to have the talk. He was very relieved; he thought I was going to say I was married (apparently this happened to him once). He was thoughtful about the HSV discussion then said it didn't change his feelings. Next day told me he loved me. We waited a month to have sex. Got engaged a year later. Unfortunately once we got engaged he let loose with all his really bad qualities : ( and I finally had to walk away.

6) Age 40, last week, hit it off with a handsome guy hiding out at a ski resort on Valentines Day like me. For the first time EVER I felt confident and happy to disclose with very little care about the outcome's effect on me. He was blown away and kept commenting on how "amazing, cool, awesome" I am. And how "this feels so real and wonderful to sit here talking to you like this". And "you're amazingly sexy!" Me being honest was a huge turn on for him.

I hope everyone else doesn't have as slow a progression in feeling comfortable and confident in disclosing as I did! It really can be easy!! Wish I figured that out a long time ago.