Reverse Rejection

A few months ago I asked my husband of seven years for a divorce. The marriage had been failing for a number of years simply because we were just not right for each other.

I had been planning a trip for some of my extended family members and myself around the time I requested for a divorce. My husband wanted to tag along so I allowed him to.

At the time I thought my heart was completely closed. My focus was entirely on trying to get out of a bad marriage with the least amount of damage.

While on vaccation, I met an amazing man. Our instant connection almost felt outer worldly. We just connected on every level. We talked for hours and got to know each other enough to want to keep talking further despite the fact that I lived in GA and he lived in CA.

After the vaccation I met him in CA and we had our first intimate encounter. 3 weeks later he came to visit in GA and we had our second intimate encounter. We had mind blowing sex like all the time for 4 days straight.

He went back to CA and 3 weeks later he informed me that he had noticed some sores beginning to form around his penis and he felt like we should both get tested. I had been tested a year before this and nothing came back however I was OK with getting tested again. He had been in only one other relationship in the past 2 years after getting out of a long term relationship which is when he last got tested.

After our test results came back, he was positive for HSV and I was negative.

He was infected by an ex coworker who he was sexual with twice. And she was fully aware and did not disclose this to him!

Now he is going through so much mentally and he says that he loves me and he wants to end it. He does not want to infect me.

For me, I love him more than anything. When I look at him I see the person in him I don't see a disease or skin condition. I do not want our relationship to end. I have done some research and I understand the risks of infection.

To me it is very easy. So when I weigh the possibility of him infecting me, me living with H And me living a life without him it's a no brainer.

People search their entire lives for a life partner we have found ourselves in each other. I cannot even begin to accurately express how deeply in love we are or our feelings for each other.

And now this diagnosis.

How do we deal with this. He feels like he cannot be intimate with me because he does not want to have someone he loves go through it. I also want him to realize that I am going into this knowing full and well what the risks are and it's not that I am doing him a favor. It is about him and not the virus.

I see so many discussions and groups supporting individuals with the condition facing rejection. But how about dealing with reverse rejection?

Any advice on managing a discordant relationship or any feedback otherwise would be greatly appreciated.

Hey welcome :)

Wow, this is sth new for me. I haven't seen a H- person here. First of all, let me tell you this you are an amazing woman.

I can't speak for other people but for me when I first got diagnosed, I immediately felt that I could never find love again. I felt dirty. After some time, the possibility of transmitting this to a partner and someone I love become a nightmare. He may have going through something similar. I think it will take some time but if you let him talk about this and you assure him that you love him and aware of the risk that you are taking, he will come around. He probably feels lonely and vulnerable. Sure there will be ups and downs about his diagnosis but if you be there for him, I believe that everything will work out. Just give him some time.

@Hawhaw - I was dating someone when I was diagnosed and sort of pushed them away because I felt protective of them. I was able to understand the risk of transmission was small but I was unable to factor in the relative risk. The stigma was clouding my judgment so I was unable to think critically and recognize that in letting him go, I was not protecting him from risk, I was sending him out to find new partners, many of whom will be HSV+. In time, maybe 10 weeks, I was able to think about things more logically and decided I would never again make someone's choice for them.

Have you considered telling him that you know he is processing a lot and that you would like to remain close to him through this process, even if it means dialing back the physical for a bit if he is too uncomfortable to go there right now?

@Hawhaw

First - Hello and Welcome... and glad you joined us! I actually moved this to the "My partner/loved one has herpes " category ... you are not the first one here but we don't get many and it's an important group of people that we reach out to 🙂

I suggest you send him to us... tell him you found a great forum of people with H - and that perhaps we can help him to understand the risks and what he can do to minimize them. His reaction is sadly VERY normal.

Send him these links, and our link. If he doesn't want to join he can lurk. And @Adrial is a great Life Coach and Herpes Advocate who could do a private session with him or he could purchase the Lifestyle guides. We have many options for people here to help them through 🙂

You are a good woman. Give him time and patience. Men especially often need to go into a cave and process things. Just let him know you are outside the cave, with your hand outstretched and waiting to welcome him when he's ready to come out... 🙂

Oh - and I suggest you get retested in about 4 months post when you last saw him... with that much sex, right before he had an OB, there is a small chance you may have got it anyway...so it would be prudent to double check....

(((HUGS)))

http://projectaccept.org/who-gets-hsv/

Handouts + disclosure e-book:

https://www.herpesopportunity.com/lp/ebook

Herpes facts video

http://herpeslife.com/keeping-your-partner-herpes-free-can-be-super-sexy/

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/5807/list-the-ways-to-protect-my-partner-from-getting-herpes-hsv2 Safe alternatives to sex

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3439/tonight-is-my-night - the tale of a man who was where your fellow is right now and how he found love....

And a few entries in my blog:

http://supporttruthanddialog.com/diagnosis_it-isnt-the-end/

http://supporttruthanddialog.com/blame-the-millstone-around-your-neck/

http://supporttruthanddialog.com/hopelessness-turning-adversity-into-opportunity/

I've had herpies for over 30 yrs and my husband of 20 yrs is H- so it's very possible to have a lasting relationship and not pass it on. My hubby is very much like you....herpies is not a big deal to him ( of course, that may be because he does not have it). We do tend to have more oral sex than regular sex....hvs2 is almost impossible to pass on like that. Good luck to you both!!!! Oh, and anti viral for him to keep you safe. Also, it's likely that the vigorous sex you guys had brought on the outbreak for him. That's very common and the downside to having herpes and enjoying wild sex:)

Thank you for all the support.