I'm in absolute terror about telling my wife I have herpes - please help

I've was diagnosed with HSV2 5 weeks ago and have no idea how to tell my wife. Here's my story: I've been with my wife for 12 years and have two beautiful children, both under 6. Our relationship, while never easy, has been a bit rocky since the kids arrived juggling two careers (with me constantly travel) and trying to give the kids the absolute best we can. Frankly, I haven't been really happy for years, generally unsatisfied with everything and am not the easiest person to get along with in the best of times. Ironically, the H has given me a new perspective on life, what's really important to me, how much I love my family and couldn't bear to lose them. I love all of them more than life itself.

The problem is that before my epiphany, I was pretty distant from my wife and she occasionally in the last six months would seriously ask if I was having affairs. It's not baseless thinking on her part as I led a bit of a wild life before we got together and had sex with a large number of women. One time I secretly ordered viagra in an attempt to spice up in our sex life; she found them and saw this as evidence of an affair. When I tell her about my diagnosis, I can guess where her thoughts will immediately go. It could be the end.

I found out I had H after a horrific flu swept through my house, with all of us being taken down with 104F (40 C) fevers for days. Shortly after that, I notices a few pimples on my scrotum. I had seen something similar before, about 16 months ago in exactly the same place and had them tested. All tests, culture and blood, came back negative. This time, I was not so lucky, positives all around. I hadn't ever really noticed anything like this before my first test. I know my wife does not have any STD so it would not have come from her.

My questions for you are: 1) is this kind of experience common? And 2) do you have any advice for me on how to approach this? My only goal is to stay married and keep my children. Please help.

Thanks

Were you specifically tested for hsv2 in the past and recently? How do you know for sure she doesn't already have or had hsv? It can be carried and transmitted without noticeable symptoms....

I ask these questions because I am in a similar situation as you...after jogging my memory I did have my first ob many many years ago, and not another noticeable one until last August, when I received my official diagnosis...

I still have not told my husband for all the fears you are now facing....my doctor also advised me not to disclose at this point, but I am near 100 percent sure he already has it...

So I've been living in silence, although I have determined if he mentions seeing something that resembles h again, I will send him for treatment, I will not watch him suffer now that I know.

You seem to have been shaken, I was also shaken, but I'm still in "I don't know land" 9 months later....although it definitely opened my eyes to life, it didn't necessarily make my underlying problems to infidelity any better.

I was tested 16 months ago and it was negative. I'm as sure as I'm breathing that she doesn't have it. This is where my thinking is evolving to:

The goal - keep my family

Option 1: Tell her tomorrow, calmly, openly and with the facts about my having H. Start by telling her that I have something important to share. Tell her that it's not clear how long I've had it or where I got it from. Tell her that I'm sure she has questions and I'm here to discuss everything. Provide her with all of the research documents I've gathered on transmission, outbreaks, dormancy, asymptomatic carriers, transmission reduction, etc. I believe she will respond at first with shock, then ask if I've had an affair and doubt my answer, then probably ask detailed questions about when/how I noticed. She has a degree in microbiology, by the way. Then she will think. She will doubt. She will weigh believing me and living with it together against breaking up our family. There's a significantly higher than zero percent chance (but I'd say less than 50%) we'll make it through the week. Rejection equals near instant loss of my family.

Option 2: Don't tell her. Stay on the anti-viral meds, use condoms, don't have sex during outbreaks, be thorough in my planning and secrecy. For the next 5 - 15 years, until she hits menopause it should be possible and the risk of transmission relatively low. I'm likely to keep my family for at least some if not all of that time. The downside of this plan is that if she does catch H or finds the anti-virals or goes on birth control (so why would we keep using condoms) or for any other reason finds out, then the odds of keeping my family fall significantly. It's also fundamentally dishonest and I think immoral to knowing expose the woman I chose to (hopefully) spend my life with to H without letting her chose. I'm not saying I've never been dishonest or immoral but this situation feels more weighty.

I compartmentalize and handle stress well generally - I run a company, do extreme sports, etc., but this situation has stressed me to the near breaking point. Yesterday, I gave one of my key managers a really difficult time, she was apparently in tears when she left the office. I don't think I'm coping well. All of this leads me inexorably towards Option 1, but the thought of 'the talk' fills me with a dread and fear I am unaccustomed to.

If any of you have advice or encouragement or caution to share, please reply. If i don't lose my nerve, my first disclosure happens in 32 hours.

Thanks.

This type of situation does happen more than you think. I think you are afraid of your wife takin as if you cheated on her. Everyone jumps to that conclusion. Even my giver tried to twist it on to me. If you didn't cheat take confidence in it and even if you did there is no way to really prove from who or when. People live 30 years with herpes dormant. Takes 4 to 6 months for antibodies to build in your body after being exposed. The state of your marriage sounds very typical; stress of house, kids, work, etc. I went thru it years ago. My advice would be educate yourself, print down the handouts and get copies of your std checks and present it all to your wife. Avoid the blaming game on both sides. Ask her to get checked as well. Do you know what your value is? Usually higher the value long you had it. Does she get cold Sores? After telling her there will be a period of grief for her and things maybe get rough. But this is the time true colors will show. Confiding is the best. Always can make an appt with dr for both of to talk with at sometime. Directing her to this website is good too. Good luck.

Stress brings out herpes and shingles. I fell, hitting my head on ceramic tile in conjunction with stress of grieving my moms death boom 2 weeks later herpes outbreak. Blood test showed I had it for awhile. I was in a 4 year relationship. Similar to yours. He went ghost soon as I told him. The freaking coward. Refused to get tested. He had it. Already had cold sores. Don't be that coward.

Okay, I have one question. If you tested negative 16 months ago and have not had an affair, where did you get it from? I just want to clarify that before moving on. And was your testing specific for Herpes? Or a general STD test?

The only reason I'm focusing on that is because if you'd had a chance to read the boards, some people just assume they've been tested for H. This could be true for your wife also. I've had three children, multiple pap smears, and never once has anyone told me I've had H. Last time I had an exam the dr told me "you don't have any std's, everything is clear". I want to laugh every time.

Moving on from that point. I would tell her. Like you said, you are just prolonging the inevitable. I don't know if you've had an affair? Because that going to complicate things much more, and I'm not sure what kind of advice to give because that's pretty pertinent information. Most of the time people struggle with where they got it, you don't seem to be having that problem, and she is going to want to know.

@bambina3 you're doctor told you not to disclose? That's very odd (Odd isn't the word I'm thinking, but it's nicer). I do know that some doctors say that it isn't necessary for casual sex, but that's your husband. And if you know he has it, he obviously isn't suffering from it. I guess that means you're never going to tell? (Not trying to hijack the post but as a wife that is struggling with my soon to be ex's dishonesty, I had to ask)

Hi , if you haven't had an affair could it be that your wife has and has passed it to you ? Or that she could have been carrying the virus in her body . You may think she doesn't have any STDs but as noted many times Herpes is not included in general std testing . Or perhaps you caught it off someone before you were married?

It was definitely a herpes test, by a Dr. who studied herpes for decades and clinically diagnosed me but ordered the tests to confirm. At a guess, I'd suggest the first test was a false negative. I discussed it with the current health worker and he thought the problem could have been it wasn't a good swab the first time. I haven't had an affair and assume I'm a carrier who didn't notice and/or the virus was dormant. The reality is that she's suspicious of me because of my recent emotionally distant behavior and the fact that before I met her, I slept with over 100 women. Not something I'm proud of now, for many reasons, but not something I can change.

If the children were grown, this would be easier for me. Not being a family while they're going up would be the worst possible outcome for me and them.

I should have a plan B. I'll book a hotel room and hope I don't have to use it. I've tried to pick a day when I could be local for a few days as I'm away 3-4 nights a week. Probably another reason my wife might be suspicious. Emotionally distant = motive and working away = opportunity.

Any other advice? 30 hours and counting. If I don't lose my nerve.

StillMeButWiser - thank you for your thoughtful advice. I hope your word prove true, that my value to my wife is more than the worst fears that are dominating my mind.

For crying out loud - is this normal? I feel like I'm contemplating a horrible cancer diagnosis. I had such a foreboding night last night - a random Canadian in the foreign city where we both work heard my accent on the street and latched on to it to start a conversation because he was recently divorced from his foreign wife and lonely. Then I lost one of the cuff links my wife gave me with our two kids initials and I took both as bad omens. While I don't take stock in those kinds of things it can give you something to think about. I found the cufflink in the parking lot this morning.

Did you only get swabbed last time? It's definitely possible the swab was just too late.

It was definitely a herpes test, by a Dr. who studied herpes for decades and clinically diagnosed me but ordered the tests to confirm.

So - did this Dr only swab you or did they do a blood test? I'm betting they only did the swab... in which case they were telling to a great story about their "studies" because many swabs come back negative because they are not able to catch enough virus to culture it, and he *should* have done a blood test then and there and if it came back negative, he should have ordered a second one 4 months later. If he didn't do this, he's NOT up to date on his info. And sadly that means that odds are you will come up with a positive blood test now and we can't tell *when* you got it this far out.

If you got a blood test and it was negative, then there's a half way decent chance you got it from your wife within 3 months of that first OB, and she has been an asymptomatic carrier. It's not unheard of. I have a client who carried it unknowingly for over 30 years. Had an OB when dealing with a large family gathering. 2 years later and her husband STILL throws it at her when he's had too many drinks... she was the "good girl" before they were married and he was the "bad boy" with lots of women... yet somehow he's (supposedly... I don't know that she's seen the test) still HSV-. He can't wrap his head around the fact that she could have carried it for over 30 yrs and not know it and I can't get her to get him to come to me for a consult.

My biggest suggestion is for you (and @Seeker1960) to ask her to go with you to her OBGYN or PP to discuss things (and hope THEY are up to date on this... they *should* be but you never know). With luck they should help her to see that it's entirely possible one or both of you have had this for quite some time.

Finally, when you talk to her, just talk from the heart. The fact that you are telling her the truth about this (when you *could* try to hide it) hopefully will get some weight as you can let her know that if she tests negative (she *should* get tested so you know the risks) you will do everything you can to protect her (condoms and antivirals) ... and she needs to know that if she leaves you, she is seriously just as likely to get it out in the dating world because 80% of people who have it don't know they have it and the CDC says most people who get it get it from an asymptomatic carrier.

I got it from my FIRST sexual encounter. I'm far from alone with that. And with 80% of the population not knowing, it's not surprising how many people get it one way or another. Roughly 50% of unmarried women have it by age 50. That is HUGE. She needs to get all these facts.

One other option - I'd say in addition to seeing the Dr - would be to book at least 1 coaching session with her with @Adrial. He's an amazing Life Coach and knows everything she will need to have answered. You can PM him here to book a time to work with him.

Here's some links that may help you to explain things to her. Tell her you wanted to know for sure what you were dealing with which is why you have been distant ... and then give her all the info you can and request the Dr and Coaching to see if you can work through it.

And if she walks, tell her that it's important to make sure the kids are not put in the middle and let her know you want to be a "Family Unit" as much as possible for THEM. My ex and I did EVERYTHING together with our kids (all holidays and birthdays) so they never had to choose between us. It CAN be done.

(((HUGS))) and good luck!

http://projectaccept.org/who-gets-hsv/

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http://www.cdc.gov/std/Herpes/STDFact-Herpes-detailed.htm

How do people get genital herpes?

Infections are transmitted through contact with lesions, mucosal surfaces, genital secretions, or oral secretions. HSV-1 and HSV-2 can also be shed from skin that looks normal. In persons with asymptomatic HSV-2 infections, genital HSV shedding occurs on 10% of days, and on most of those days the person has no signs or symptoms. [4] Generally, a person can only get HSV-2 infection during sexual contact with someone who has a genital HSV-2 infection. Transmission most commonly occurs from an infected partner who does not have a visible sore and may not know that he or she is infected. [5]

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http://m.jid.oxfordjournals.org/content/194/1/42.long Knowledge of Partners’ Genital Herpes Protects against Herpes Simplex Virus Type 2 Acquisition

Handouts + disclosure e-book:

https://www.herpesopportunity.com/lp/ebook

Herpes facts video

And if you work it out, you can use this as a way to make your sex life BETTER in the long run :)

http://herpeslife.com/keeping-your-partner-herpes-free-can-be-super-sexy/

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/5807/list-the-ways-to-protect-my-partner-from-getting-herpes-hsv2 Safe alternatives to sex

Since you haven't had an affair, I would tell the wife something like this...

Yes, I've been distant lately but the reason isn't what you think. I haven't had an affair. Something has been going on with me lately and I didn't know how to tell you about it. I was scared I would lose you and our family. Do you remember when we all had that flu awhile back? Then go into what happened. And tell her you've found out you've probably had this your whole marriage and just didn't know. Since she is experienced in microbiology, she has to know herpes can be latent. Possibly not all the details (Because I've taken quite a few micro classes and it was not as informative as I hoped regarding H).

I personally would not do it from a distance. To me, doing it from a distance would be guiltier. If that makes sense? Do it in person, where she can see your honesty and vulnerability.

Best of luck.

@MMissouri , yes my doctor certainly advised me of that, for many of the reasons @interror has been fearing.....I'm pretty sure he was misdiagnosed with his initial ob, so when I talk of him suffering, I mean if he sees it again, I will prompt him to seek h testing for antiviral if he needs it.

My pcp and other opinions I have sought have all agreed I have had this since I was 19.

I can't help you understand infidelity, but I've been on both sides of this....and both sides have pain....all sides of pain.

@interror you sound very strong and brave....when I confided in my ex I had hpv when we broke up, he went around telling everyone...I think we become a product of our past...I fear that also.

From your post I can tell you love your wife and family, to go from a wild sex life to marriage and not roam.....unfortunately it does look bad, with your travel, a lot of time from home, etc....but hopefully when she hears the facts, she will be understanding and loving. You've probably had this a long time, and there is a possibility your wife is already positive.

Good luck with everything and please keep us posted.

Hugs!!

I just have a logical question w no judgement. You say you have a past w infidelity or she's suspected it. You say that observation isn't baseless, but you say you haven't cheated and fear she's going to think you have. I'm confused. It sounds like you're admitting to have cheated, but also saying you didn't? You said 16 months ago you were negative, but now are positive. Being negative 16 months ago would be indicative of a new infection. Did you maybe have an affair 6 months or more ago, that would make you concerned about bumps to begin w and seek STD testing? I'm only asking for clarification, because as a woman, your story wouldn't add up to me for the above reasons, where timelines don't make sense. ..

It is not OK to not disclose to your wife your status. Some of us are forever changed health wise by H and yes we're the exception and not the rule, it does happen and you have no idea how your wife's immune system will respond. She could have permanent lifetime neuropathy.. There are some who suffer from that 25yrs later. I'm someone who has gotten that and now two yrs aterz I still have back to back obs almost. I think if you love her, you'll do the right thing for her, not what's right for you.

Note: you said you had both a negative swab and blood test 16 months ago, hence why I'm asking.

The situation sounds very complicated ..would the easiest thing be to say that you've just noticed symptoms after the flu and that it has probably been dormant in your system for years , ie before you were married . If she knows that you slept with a lot of women prior then you could say it was probably from one of those experiences . Keep it simple . If she herself has had an affair then she will be wondering if she passed it to you and maybe she will confess to this or keep quiet but be ok with you.

@Bambina3, I didn't mean help me understand the infidelity, I meant help me understand why you wouldn't disclose.

My husband didn't tell me he had (oral) HSV1 when we got together. I found out when I saw he was having an outbreak. Cue me having a outbreak some time after (genitally, not sure what type). I've assumed all this time that I have GHSV1. When I had my outbreak I told him to go get the testing to make sure that was all he had. (My reasoning for this being he has a small patch of skin on his penis that peels. We had always assumed this was from rough/dry sex.) He came back and said everything else was negative. I never asked for the actual results.

My mistake. With our divorce pending (nothing to do with H) I asked him again. Are you sure you only have HSV1. And he said yes, they swabbed me and said that's all that I had. Umm.. He wasn't having an outbreak so what would they swab?? And I said this and his reply was - maybe it was a blood test, it was ages ago and I don't remember. How can you not know what type of testing you had?

So, now I'm thinking I need to get typed. So I'm looking for testing outside of my immediate area (I know at least one person in all of our local labs- sometimes being in the profession comes back to bite you in the butt) and I'm looking at the health department where he went to get tested way back when.. and guess what? They do not do blood testing or typing for herpes. So if he was swabbed- odds are it wasn't accurate.

But in my mind.. there is already a lack of trust in regards to STDs because of the dishonesty in the beginning. I'm thinking he was never tested. Who knows.

I'm not judging you. I can see where thinking he already has it kind of puts you in the clear of infecting someone that is "clean". But, if I'm not mistaken, you've stated that you've both cheated.. so he might be infecting people outside of your relationship. Just something to keep in mind.

So for all you married people.. this is my thoughts-The longer you wait, the more of a trust issue it will become. An immediate disclosure in a marriage is best in my opinion. This isn't a one night stand where there are risks, this is a relationship with promises made. Keep that in mind.

@MMissouri no we have not both cheated.....I have been on both sides of the infidelity issue yes, but not with my current husband....he's been true, I am to blame, but obviously there are underlying issues.

I've pulled back since my diagnosis and refraining.

I do agree honesty is the way to go, however, there are times where silence is my only friend, at least for now.

I would definitely get typed, I did also seek blood testing after my swab and found out I have type 1 and 2, but never had a cold sore.

@interror what did you decide and how did it go?

@MMissouri go to planned parenthood. To get tested.

We don't have one locally. Maybe I just need someone to hold my hand. This testing has me freaked and has for years. Ugh.

@MMissouri

I am waiting to send in my blood for my Western Blot which will be my fifth blood test. I have tested negative on igg 4 times but I know it is not right because my symptoms although not classic are indicative of an HSV infection.

Wait - FOUR negative IgG's? Hmmm - so what are your symptoms? We have had several people on here who were convinced that have Herpes and they don't.... including after Western Blot. There ARE other things that can come up that can make you think you have H.....

@Seeker1960 negative blood and igg? I find that hard to believe you have 2. I do know someone that went thru many negative swabs before confirmation @ihavitttoo maybe can help you understand that, but it was swabs not blood. Western blot would confirm to you.

And I hope it helps you to vent and explain about what happened, because we really owe no one an explanation except in our real lives.

Good luck!

I have had herpes 29 years now. Way back when I had 3 different outbreaks swabbed and they all came back negative. The last swab was on an outbreak less than 24 hours old. At the time I was in the military and they would not do a blood test. In October 2014 I discussed this with my doctor and she ordered an IgG. The result came back positive for HSV2. A doctor I talked to after that last swab said that 30% of herpes cases will not test positive. Terri Warren at Westover Heights has said this is true and that it may be a little higher than that. To clarify, this applies to the swab tests.

As far as the IgG I'm not sure. I know it takes at least four months for the antibodies to reach a detectable level. Has it been that long since you were exposed?

@seeker, if your wife has HSV1, how do you know you didn't get anything from her? (And I agree with the rest of the posters, this might not be H at all)