Three Successes, One Failure, Telling Men

I decided to test my disclosure on a few men that I wasn't so interested in:

Man 1: We decided not to date, I called to tell him I had blood test with H, but no symptoms or history. What does he think? He says first that men will think I'm damaged and while no one (even him) would care if their girlfriend or person they love has H, it's getting into the relationship that is risky. I told him it's a cold sore, which he realized he has and the 4 % stat. He says that's less than the risk of getting someone pregnant. He realizes he knows a few people with H. Then he says its not that bad, and offers to have something casual with me, which I decline.

Man 2: We go on one date, he asks me out again. I ask via text if I can call him and see if it make sense to go out again. I call and say I have this recent blood test for H2 which I' m sorting out. He says thanks for telling me, not a problem he has oral H, too and sets up another date with me .Very nice guy, we go on a few dates but not a match for other reasons.

Man 3: We go on a long second date and he moves to fast for me physically, regardless of H. There is weirdness at end of the night where I nicely kick him out. He knew he made a mistake and my intuition is he's a good person. I feel bad about the way it ended so I write a nice note and put it aside ( I sometimes write out my feelings). He texts me a week later and I send him the note and at the end I also write I just had a positive blood test for H and pending working it out with my doc as I have no symptoms etc. He thought it was a nice note and we dated for five months. He was wonderful and it ended for other reasons.

I don't recommend telling someone by text or email, but with Man # 3 there was a whole host of issues and I thought a nice, calm note would sort through them and they did. That's the only reason why H was at the end. He told me when he was younger he was freaked out my a girl who told him she had H and didn't date her.

All three about have been divorced and dating and they know how hard it is to find someone. They have all run into STD or other issues before.

Man 4, was the one I really wanted to date, but married for many years, very little dating experience and could not handle H. He did try and research it and call doctors but he got overwhelmed. I lost him to H because he was moving forward with all sincere intent. I already wrote about this in another post. I do think we sometimes lose great people to H, I want to think this happened for some reason, but in this case, I think it's just bad luck for me.

@CD3377 I agree that we do sometimes lose great people to H, but I'm starting to think maybe they aren't as great as we are making them out to be. Bare with me here.

You remember my post about the friend of 3 years and how I disclosed? I finally heard from him Sat. Just a general work is kicking my butt lately text. Now my disclosure was made because we were planning on meeting up during my (our) vacation this week and I wanted to inform him just in case it went there. So I was thrilled. Yay, he is actually talking to me. (And in the back of my mind I could hear a little voice saying, well.. if he is truly a friend why wouldn't he be?

After the normal back and forth about work (we are in the same field) I said you'll get used to working short staffed eventually. And he said- yeah... but the situation won't be resolved for a few months at least. That was it. No- I've decided H isn't worth the risk, or even - I think I need time to think about it, or even - I just want to remain friends. Just a general comment that didn't address the issue or the fact I took a weeks vacation because we planned this.. and he was supposed to have done the same.

Anyway (sorry to hijack your post), I realize he's done this before. Hinted at possibilities. Flirted with the idea of becoming more, then made general comments to let me down without actually saying it outright. He is still a great guy, but I'm thinking I don't need this. A part of me wants to keep him on that pedestal and hope that he will come around, but I've decided no good comes out of waiting.

My point is.. there are many good people out there. Really great guys. And even though sometimes we focus on one, we can't forget there are other possibilities.

I don't think that being afraid of contracting HSV from someone you don't know that well makes you a bad person. Those of us who have it and haven't had physical symptoms, or have minor symptoms, probably have a hard time understanding the rejection because we don't feel different, we don't feel like it's a big deal. I'm just the me I was last year, only now with a diagnosis for something I never knew I had. Everyone has dealbreakers, and I don't think a lifelong STD is an exceptionally odd one to have.

Honestly, I'd rather someone reject me upfront than never feel fully free with me because they're trying to make peace with it, or constantly worried about contracting it. If my boyfriend had rejected me, even after 6 months of dating and planning for the future, I would have been heartbroken, but I would not have harbored any ill will, and I would have wanted his friendship in my life.

I'm sorry that Man #4 couldn't get to a comfortable place with it. Unless he asks all of his future prospective dates to show him a recent HSV test, and they haven't had any sexual contact for four months prior to the test, there's a pretty good likelihood he'll run into someone else with it who just doesn't know. That's how my boyfriend seemed to rationalize it in his head - by the time women get into their 40s, at least 1 in 4 has HSV2 (I've seen as high as 50%!), and even higher percentage has HSV1. The chances are, if he's dating around, he's going to run into someone who has one type of HSV, either of which could end up on his genitals.

@Elise1977 I don't think either one of us thought of them as bad people. Just kinda grieving the loss of a good person. That's all :)

I'm sorry that Man #4 couldn't get to a comfortable place with it. Unless he asks all of his future prospective dates to show him a recent HSV test, and they haven't had any sexual contact for four months prior to the test, there's a pretty good likelihood he'll run into someone else with it who just doesn't know. 's how my boyfriend seemed to rationalize it in his head - by the time women get into their 40s, at least 1 in 4 has HSV2 (I've seen as high as 50%!), and even higher percentage has HSV1. The chances are, if he's dating around, he's going to run into someone who has one type of HSV, either of which could end up on his genitals.

This is EXACTLY what I said to @CD3377 in another communication. That he's totally ignoring the fact that the odds are VERY high he will come across it again, likely from someone who doesn't know they have it (which is, IMO, riskier for getting it than dating someone who knows they have it)

http://m.jid.oxfordjournals.org/content/194/1/42.long Knowledge of Partners’ Genital Herpes Protects against Herpes Simplex Virus Type 2 Acquisition

And I say basically what @MMissouri said here all the time:

@CD3377 I agree that we do sometimes lose great people to H, but I'm starting to think maybe they aren't as great as we are making them out to be. Bare with me here.

 

My point is.. there are many good people out there. Really great guys. And even though sometimes we focus on one, we can't forget there are other possibilities.

Again, listen to your Herpes Wingman. He's showing you something about his personality. Or perhaps where he's at right now. Having been the "rebound chick" several times, I've learned that guys on the rebound can be VERY squirrely .... ie: it doesn't take much for them to run because they just are not ready to be IN a relationship and anything that makes them think of the commitment part of that (ie, do I want to be with someone with an STD if I'm not ready to commit?) they run for the hills.

So you have men who accepted you regardless of H, who weren't all looking for a LTR. That shows you how H doesn't have to be an issue for most.

I would also say that one thing I've seen that seems to make for more success with those with H - for *many*, they don't tell the other person as early as you do. Mostly because they don't want to share something with someone they are getting to know. Most say they used to jump in bed in a few dates but H has forced them to slow down and *Get To Know* the other person first. Many write off a lot of potential partners before they get to sex (that they *would* have been sexual with, got emotionally attached to, and THEN realized that it was a mistake or they get hurt by the other person)...so they are thankful that they have H to force them to slow things down. And when they DO tell the other person, that person is generally a bit more invested in the relationship and will be more likely to look at EVERY avenue before ditching (and if they do go at that point, while it sucks, it shows that they are just unable to deal with medical stressors.... so how would they deal with something worse like Cancer?) You never know ... H may have just saved you a LOT of heartache later.....

http://supporttruthanddialog.com/when-should-i-disclose/

And in the end, there are many, MANY things that could be "deal breakers" for a potential partner. H is just one of them. It's life. We can't take that personally. It's just something we have to live through and learn from :)

http://supporttruthanddialog.com/disclosure-its-not-just-about-herpes/

http://www.match.com/magazine/article/4010/I-Have-a-Secret-How-to-Reveal-It-To-Your-Date/

We don't lose great people to H( mind you I was just told a week ago that I have hsv2.)

I do, however, have many many of friends who are HIV positive, so I know enough that you don't lose great people to H.

You lose great people to cancer, car accidents, AIDS, drunk drivers, gun shootings, police brutality. But you do not lose out on a person who couldn't deal with what you are or have because your love wouldn't have been good enough. No no no

And not to say that death is the only way you lose out on a great person. Sometimes we can lose out on great people just by not being connected. Communicating and lose out on friendships.

I'd say fuck to #4. Granted you can't blame him for his ignorance. Moving out of your comfort zone and changing ones frame of mind can be frightening. We do have this ide of purity before reality knocks on the door( more like kicks it down) to remind us that we aren't all as perfect as we want to be.

Some people are comfortable with assuming that someone doesn't have an std or something because they can't face the reality of things.

@SunDevourer .. I needed that second paragraph, Thank you.

We don't lose great people to H( mind you I was just told a week ago that I have hsv2.) I do, however, have many many of friends who are HIV positive, so I know enough that you don't lose great people to H.

 

You lose great people to cancer, car accidents, AIDS, drunk drivers, gun shootings, police brutality. But you do not lose out on a person who couldn't deal with what you are or have because your love wouldn't have been good enough. No no no

Quoting this because it's sooo important for people to GET this.... thank you for this @SunDevourer

If you would lose somebody as a friend, then that means they only wanted you for sex. In that case they weren't good enough for you to waste your time being nice to. They can get a prostitute. How funny that they might get it from a prostitute as well. But I consider myself damaged and no way to change that. I could not let someone take the risk. If I started going out with someone and things got to that point, I would just say "I can't have sex" and they would say "why?" and I would tell them. There is no getting around it. I don't consider someone "brave" or "noble" or "a good person" for being willing to risk getting into this prison just for a few minutes of a good time.

@Bluebetty Different people assess risk differently. I think some people are comfortable taking a risk as part of the whole package of being sexually active and having the freedom to love who they love or have sex with someone they feel a strong connection with, whether it's physical, emotional or both.

I apologize if part of what follows is TMI, but I was sexually active for 32 years before I was diagnosed with HSV2 and I am still negative for HSV1. I would (very roughly) estimate I had oral sex performed on me without a barrier about 5,000 times during those 32 years and never contracted HSV1. You could say I just got lucky, but the thing is, if you offered to give me a second chance to go back to the 1980s and allow me to start all over and a) completely refrain from receiving oral sex for the rest of my life, b) give me insight into every partner's status so I could reject the *majority* of partners who were carrying the HSV1 virus in their mouths, and/or c) allow me to use a dental dam for all 5,000 encounters, now that I'm more mature and educated and better understand the risk, I'd say NO WAY! I'd do it all again, even though I'm aware there's a risk. The benefits outweighed the risk for me. Some people would make a different choice, I do understand that.

ETA: It is not my intention to say that it's wise to just throw caution to wind in all circumstances, only that assessment of risk is highly individual and I prefer to let others choose for themselves what level of risk is comfortable for them. For instance, I have never used a barrier for oral sex (in either direction) but I very, very rarely have intercourse without a condom outside of a monogamous relationship in which both of us have been recently tested for STIs. I became sexually active around the time HIV came on the scene and had it drilled into my head to minimize that risk with the use of condoms for intercourse. I prefer how sex feels without condoms, and I'm sure that's even more true for my male partners, but it's a risk I'm generally not willing to take outside of monogamy.

I know people with this (namely the person who infected me) who think it really is no big deal and therefore no reason to tell anyone. Same with most people with HSV1. I wish the world would just get over it, as long as you are healthy it really causes very little or no symptoms. And I've talked with lots of people who had a partner with it and never caught it. It's the fear of infecting other people that is the problem. But I recently told someone and he ran away acting like he might get it from touching me. lol

@Bluebetty I'm so sorry you had that experience with someone reacting so poorly. I know that does happen sometimes but I think those people are in the minority.

I was not trying to suggest that people should not share their status with prospective partners, just that those prospective partners have their own ways of assessing risk, and while I don't want to pass along the virus to a partner, I am comfortable allowing prospective partners to choose for themselves whether or not they are comfortable with the risk. I did have one partner who was not at all comfortable with the risk and we are good friends now. We don't have sex. For him, the risk outweighed the benefit. Other partners have not hesitated to take the risk. Still others have responded by sharing they are positive for HSV1 or HSV2. Had I not put myself out there by considering a physical relationship and therefore sharing my status, I would never have known they were in the same boat. I know disclosing sounds awful, and it sounds like you had a really shitty experience, but it isn't always that way. I've had mostly very positive experiences.

I don't agree with disclosure unless there is a strong emotional connection that is formed...

I was single for many years, and although I was unaware of my status at that time, I know unless I serious about someone, I'd never disclose. I'd probably never have sex either or insist on condom usage and antivirals...unless asked, then I wouldn't lie.

Heck, I'm still waiting for the right time to disclose, so I guess I better stop writing ;(

So you've decided to disclose? If so, what if there is never a right time? I mean, if you really want to get this off your chest, I'd just get it over with.

Interesting. I've been thinking this very kind of thought @Bambina3. What about HSV1, nobody ever thinks of disclosing that. What about HPV? I've probably got several strains but never thought it was any big deal. With antivirals and a condom and avoiding contact if there are any symptoms, there is at least a 99% chance they won't get it. I don't understand how someone could have sex with someone they know could infect them with a dreaded disease. Seems like it would cause an anxiety disorder. Otherwise, if you're going to let them know, just spit it out, "I carry the HSV2 virus which causes herpes" and let them tell you what they think.

Another thing - I know this is very "woo woo", but from a metaphysical standpoint- a person who contracts herpes was unconsciously attracting that experience, vibrating at the right frequency to receive it. If they don't get it from you they'll get it from someone. If they are not meant to get it, it won't happen. I know this is how it happened to me. Louise Hay mentions it in her book "You Can Heal Your Life".

@bluebetty, well it depends on where that HSV1 is located. Those with genital HSV1 are encouraged to disclose. I DO think oral HSV1 should be disclosed before oral sex, since it can lead to genital infections. I don't see that becoming the norm though. I don't think it's fair because although cold sores do not have the stigma associated with it, they can be the cause of genital infections, which do.

And HPV is becoming one of those STDs that people are disclosing also because of the risks associated with cancer causing strains. If you ever go to the positive singles website, you'll be amazed at the number of people that are there for HPV infections.

@Bluebetty @MMissouri I think HPV is an apt comparison. Most adults carry at least one strain of HPV, it is not included in standard STI panels, and most who carry it are asymptomatic.

@mmissouri, I think your comment above was for me but my nick wasn't mentioned, I'll answe anyway.

The right time for me to disclose may never come....I've come close, "felt out"husbands reaction to the disease, and backed out.

@bambina3, yes it was for you, sorry.

I’M AMENDING THIS TO FOUR SUCCESS and One FAILURE: I used to read about failed disclosures and think, is that person going to be lonely for years and is that going to happen to me? Well, we often forget to come back and post about what’s happening a few months later. In April, I wrote this thread (but since changed my user name to julia_l ) and was devastated because I thought I lost someone to H, was so sad at the look of disgust on his face when I told him I and felt terrible. After that I decided to take action, not give up, and get coaching from Adrial. I asked (and he accommodated) to spread my coaching out over a few months so I could use it as needed and when disclosure time came. I had a coaching session right before a disclosure and it helped give me the courage to do it. I have decided only to disclose in person (not by text, email etc) because I think it’s more connecting, makes you look more confident and you can gauge the reaction. I have never disclosed in person (only phone, email) and I was terrified. However, it was a complete success.

By way of background, I’m in my 40’s and dating a brilliant doctor (surgeon) in one of the large, metropolitan cities. As I was driving over to his house, I thought, maybe I’ll just tell him I don’t want a relationship so I don’t have to disclose, maybe I just won’t disclose tonight etc. I waited until after dinner, when we were sitting outside and it was a bit dark, which made it easier on me, so I didn’t have to blurt it out under bright lights. I have the HSV2 antibody and no symptoms. I’ve decided to use the term HSV, which sounds so much better than herpes, which I really dislike saying.

I simply said, I have the antibody for HSV and I wonder how you feel about that. He was calm and the first thing he said was “it’s common”, we talked about safe sex and he mentioned another woman he dated disclosed to him that she had HPV. Then he said something funny like “when I end up staying with the person for the long term I guess we will just pass these antibodies back and forth” . At the end, he said “Well that was a very grown up conversation we just had”.

After that I had a lovely evening with him and slept over and he was very complimentary all night along with a very romantic text the next day asking me out again.

I feel strongly that if you are a happy, confident person you can move through life and love with H without a problem. But my advice is that you must have a positive attitude, be happy with yourself and the confidence to disclose calmly and lovingly. Also, work on not being bitter or anxious about having H. I was never bitter, but had to work on not being anxious about it. There are far worse things that can happen to you and if you can accept it, enjoy your life and summon the courage to disclose, you may well end up with a kinder, more loving, more sophisticated and compassionate person than you would have otherwise. Once in a while you will get a rejection, but you may find (as I did) that the rejection was due to the fact that the person was not as compassionate or emotionally mature as you would like them to be. And, it’s also in the way you deliver it. I had coaching before this one so I practiced role playing and didn’t over speak and I was very careful to allow my date share his opinions with me. You have to strike a balance between confident but not defensive and come across as loving and mature. For my failed disclosure I just kept talking and had a one way conversation because I was so nervous.

Another point of note: After my failed disclosure, I also opened up to all my friends and (because we’re all in our 40s) everyone had known or dated someone with H. I even asked my skin (laser) doctor if she knew anyone with HSV and she said, yes, my husband).

Good luck everyone!

Thank you for sharing that. I've decided to just say I carry the HSV2 virus when the person wants to have sex. If they still want to have sex we use a condom. If not, that's that. I don't want to feel like I'm talking the person into taking the risk, so I will only go into details if they express curiosity. But I do tell them how common it is and they could be exposing themselves unknowingly. And that they can only get it from intercoursewith me, not from my mouth (decided to forget that nonsense that there might be a .0001 chance that it migrated to my mouth, people don't worry about that).

@julia_l Thanks for the update! So glad to hear it's going well for you. My experience has been similar.

@Bluebetty I'm so glad to hear you're feeling this way!

@julia_I so glad things went well!