Disclosing to girls - success to failure ratio

Hi guys

I'm brand new to this interesting world as of about a few weeks ago - herp type 2. I've never had any symptoms so this is all a bit surprising to me. Spent a lot of the last few weeks consumed with this, going to sleep thinking about it, waking up thinking about it. I think I've turned a bit of a corner. Everything in life depends on your perspective. If you think it's s tragedy it will be. If you look at it as a minor inconvenience then it will be, at least so I hope.

So given the fact I've never had any symptoms that I know of and supposedly I've had this for a while says my doc the things that have been getting me down is the disclosure talk and the prospect of spreading it to others. In this thread I'm just going to focus on the first aspect. Been reading a lot about that talk and been heartened by some of the success stories on here but I guess on a website that's meant to be uplifting people are going to be more inclined to post the good stories.

On the herpes virus association website (a uk charity focussing on this) they state that 90% of disclosures are accepted. They go as far as to then say there's a 1 in 50 chance of getting rejected twice in a row. The maths doesn't really add up but you get the picture. Now to me this seems absolutely ridiculous and I'm really finding it hard to imagine potential partners being cool with this, even if I am taking Valtrex daily (I am), will always use condoms, never get symptoms and am also dosing up on a whole bunch of supplements like olive leaf to try and inhibit the infectiousness even further. Can these stats be true or even close ?!? I

Id be really grateful if the guys who've been dealing with this and get back to me with their success failure ratios. I'm only really interested in the guys' stories of disclosing because it is a slightly different situation; girls have much more to think about with catching this given the potential though very minor chance of passing it on in pregnancy. Plus I kind of have a feeling given our proclivity to reasoning with our genitals it would probably be easier to disclose to a guy as he'd be more willing to prioritise the short term over the long term in this scenario. Speaking very generally obviously but I just have a feeling.

So guys if you could let me know honestly how these disclosures have been going that would be great. If you have any thoughts on why some have yours have worked and some have failed that would be great too.

Much appreciated everyone and a big thank you to Adrial for starting this site. Bloody brave of you. Hopefully one day the stigma will thaw over this and it'll be down to sites like this. It's messed up how something I've had for ages and doesn't affect me at all suddenly has the power to play with my mind and emotions like this. All down to a big pharma campaign in the 80s apparently ... Messed up.

Oh yeah and I've been on a date recently a girl I really liked which was planned before I got my diagnosis (she's actually why I decided to get tested) and of course she made a herpes joke on the date .....argh :(

Thanks all

I've had one rejection vs sex eith eight new girls since January. All disclosures.

The rejection were sex-immenant. Go check out my Ladies' man thread for a breakdown of my herpes game.

There was one other rejection but it wasn't herpes related. The only way to know for sure if it's herpes related is if the girl is going for your joint (like unbuttonning your pants), and then you tell her, and then she says no to sex. Otherwise, there could be myriad factors why sex isn't happening.

By the way, when a girl makes a herpes joke, I'll tell her right then and there that I have it.

Hey Forwards! Welcome!

First things first, have you read the e-book? That goes into this being a true-blue opportunity in a very real way and it starts to break down the specifics of mindset and perspective. And it comes with some super handy handouts to break down the facts so you can educate potential partners. Here all that is: https://herpeslife.com/free-ebook

Also, the 3rd module of the Lifestyle Guides ("Having the Talk") would be super rockin' for you to check out. It goes into the mindset, reframes and perspective shifts around disclosure that changes everything. You'll actually be *excited* to disclose after learning all this stuff. Super powerful. https://herpesopportunity.com/lifestyle-guides.html

There's a lot that goes with disclosure. For the vast majority of disclosures, there's a lot of shame and stigma that gets disclosed, too. It's not just the herpes that gets disclosed ... it's all the sexual baggage that unfortunately tends to come along with it. And our culture doesn't really help. So the ratio of success vs. failure is directly related to *how* you disclose and how you feel about having herpes. This is why it's so much about self-acceptance and integrity. If I could boil down what success means in a disclosure-type scenario, it's our ability (especially as men) to transmit true, authentic self-acceptance and integrity. And whether she's down to take the risk or not, there's a deep satisfaction in doing the right thing that builds a strength of character that can't adequately be put into words ...

Adrial that is spot on and is bigger than herpes. Even without herpes, those things Adrial is talking about above are very relevant to any kind of intimate relationship. Nice.

A small update which will hopefully act as inspiration for someone like me in the future...

Had my first disclosure the other day. Bumbled my way through it in not the most articulate manner. But I got the facts across, talked about the minor risk etc. etc. Then the girl actually said she didn't want to hook up for other reasons and not the disclosure itself! (we were old flames and she was just back in town for a week, and thought it would eventually ruin any hope of us staying/becoming good friends in the future - I agreed, to an extent!).

So I felt pretty silly about actually disclosing but we laughed about it a lot and she really respected that I told her. Oddly enough, and maybe because she was talking about others but not herself, she thought given the percentage risk and the fact i'm on valtrex etc. she didn't think I was obliged to disclose it to other girls and didn't have to if i didn't want to, assuming I stayed on the meds and used protection.

Then the next day we decided the friends thing was cool but wouldn't be as good as friends with benefits and have been enjoying ourselves the last week :)

So 1 disclosure 1 success. Happy about that obviously. Some points though that I consider may have been relevant to the success and may, if lacking, lead to a different result.

1. She's a very intelligent, mature and open minded woman in her early 30s. She wasn't going to freak out or run off just from mentioning the H word. Younger/less mature ladies may be more inclined to cut ties as soon as it is brought up. Of course one could argue that intelligence has nothing to do with it. Is it more intelligent to accept someone who has disclosed or reject him, I don't know.

2. We'd known each other a while. So there was already a strong bond between us. So the fact that we were already at a point where she liked me a lot I'm sure would have been a factor she considered. A girl that hadn't had the chance to get to know me/ like me yet (presumptuous I know) so much yet would I imagine be less likely to accept it.

But we'll see what happens....

@forwards

First - well done on your first disclosure. See! It wasn't all that bad. AND ... I think as you get more comfortable and learn how to deliver the talk in a way that is open and honest and allows the woman into something you wouldn't share with her if you didn't CARE about her you will find that you have more success than failure.

To us women, when a man lets us into something we know is kinda scary for them and lets us see they can be vulnerable, well, that's sexy as hell! It tells us a LOT about him. It tells us that when it's important, he will stay in his integrity even though he's risking upsetting us ... that he values giving us choice and honors our right to know certain things that could have an effect on us and the relationship. If the woman already thought that you were a REAL possibility as a partner, odds are she will at *least* get informed before making a decision about the future of the relationship. If she runs without considering the situation completely, well, you dodged a bullet because she either didn't like you that much, or she isn't up for dealing with scary situations in a mature manner.

And yes, the odds are far more "against" us for getting it, but we women are far more likely to stay in relationships with someone we see to be "imperfectly perfect" than you give us credit for. If we like you enough, it will take a LOT more than H to shake most of us.... now, if the woman is a hypochondriac/germaphobe, if they are uber conservative in their sexual views, or if she has immune issues, well, you may strike out. Shit happens.

AND you can be rejected for plenty of other things too. At my age (55) I really don't want a guy who doesn't try to take *reasonable* care of his health. Smokers are a no go for me. I want someone I can play with for as long as possible in my future at this point. And kids are another no go. I'm done with that part of my life and I'm enjoying being a grandmother. All these are "rejections" ... and none of them reflect on the other person. It's just something *I* don't want to live with, but plenty of others will. And that's ok :)

When you can face H with that perspective, you find that rejection (while it sucks) isn't the end of the world. Sure, it isn't fun. We would rather not have to deal with disclosure. But it's important to not blame H for everything that goes wrong including rejection. The way I look at it, if they left *that* easily, I wasn't *that* important to them. :)

Oh - and guys run just as easily as women. Many are FAR more concerned about their junk than you realize and the thought of anything marring it or causing the horrid sores that they found on Google (because they go straight to Google images...sadly) scares them off .... so we have just as difficult a time with it. For me, if a guy reacts that way, rather than asking me for trusted resources, odds are we won't be a match anyway. I want him to trust me and the info I give him enough that he will at least consider what I give him along with anything else he comes across.

I'm going to include a few links from other guys below... we've had some great success stories from guys on here as well. And as for your point about only having "positive" stories... we have plenty of stories of rejection too... that's what brings many people to us.... wondering "what went wrong" or how they will ever manage to disclose again. :)

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3439/tonight-is-my-night NSgreenville (male) (READ TO THE END!!)

https://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/7145/i-plan-to-disclose-but-the-fact-is-heavy-on-me-any-success-stories-to-share Male success story 19 yrs

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3983/successful-disclosure-male-to-female xrcb 8/12 male to female rainyfeather

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/6239/10-years-of-herpes-chats-male-experience

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/4879/when-to-disclose male to female success

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/5369/well-that-was-a-mess-but-success Male to female

https://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/7493/an-extended-nyc-herpes-disclosure-experience male to female

https://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/7530/33m-here-second-disclosure-second-success-feeling-well-normal Male to female