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Long time carrier, first rejection


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Hello all, I’m new here but I have had HSV1 for almost 10 years. (31/F) I wanted to share my story for my own clarity, (it helps to write things out) and for general support, and to possibly have my story mean something for someone else.

 

When I was 22 I had met someone that I was seeing casually. We hung out for a few weeks, and we always used protection during sex. At this time, he was only the 3rd person I had ever slept with. We ended things pretty quickly as I found out he was still talking to and possibly sleeping with his ex girlfriend. Flash forward six months and I’m seeing someone new, more serious this time. This new boyfriend of mine, we kind of fought a lot so we were on and off. During one of our ‘off’ times, I discovered my first outbreak. I went through the usual emotions and instantly thought I had gotten it from him. We had the talk, he went and got tested. His results were negative. Due to my logic that I won’t write out here, I know I got it from previous casual guy. He may have only had it orally for all i know, since it’s HSV1. Back to on again off again bf, we ended up together for two years. From my own research, I’ve read that the first one or two years of contracting h, is when you’re most contagious. I was on birth control and that boyfriend and I had unprotected sex for years. We eventually broke up, but remained friends. Six months later, he came to me and said he got fully tested for all std’s (not just the standard std test) and his results for h came back negative. I never gave it to him! Hurray!

 

I honestly only discovered this website within the past few weeks. When I was diagnosed with h, due to my own fault, I never had any serious discussions or resources about disclosure. My resources were within my family (I have a big family and both a brother and sister have h) and a few close friends of mine. My older sister always advised me to use protection, and never tell anyone about my virus unless it was someone I was going to be in a serious relationship with. I disagreed with her. She and I would get into arguments about it, and she would just yell at me “quit telling your temporary boyfriends about this!” Over the past 7-8 years, I’ve had a few serious relationships, I’ve had some casual relationships, and some very brief sexual encounters. Of all the past men I’ve dated, not a single one of them ever rejected me because of my virus, until recently which I will get to. On top of that, I never even told any one of them about until after I’ve had sex with them! I even had one boyfriend literally shrug when I told him, and he said “I feel like a lot of people wouldn’t say anything, so thanks for telling me”.(!) I feel like I was never fully informed about a proper, good, positive way to go about disclosing. And I take responsibility for that. But to be honest, it was never a big deal to me. It was never a big deal for my sister. And clearly, it was never a big deal for any past relationships. And from what I know, not a single ex has ever contracted h from me. After 10 years of this experience, and very VERY few outbreaks, the virus just doesn’t bother me. At all. The biggest thing about the virus, is letting people know you have it. That’s it. Doesn’t seem fair.

 

I will say, and I am not proud to admit it, that I have slept with a few people whom I did not tell about my condition. These people were either one night stands, or someone I only saw a few times. These situations were very fleeting and very ‘in the moment’ type of encounters. It was fun, and considering my experiences, I just didn’t see it as a big deal to not disclose. Women have a harder time giving it to men, I never gave it to anyone before, I always use condoms, so it’s fine. That’s what I told myself.

 

Recently I met a guy who just moved to my city. Right off the bat, he wanted to establish something casual which I agreed to. We are both in positions in life where we don’t want a relationship. It was confusing being with him though, because he would text me almost every day - really sweet things, heart emojis, kisses. He would tell me he missed me and was thinking about me. Last time I checked, that’s not typical casual sex behavior. But at the same time, I did end up liking him. One night, he brought up a previous situation where a girl he was considering sleeping with told him she had h. And he decided not to see her anymore. I froze. I didn’t know what to say and for the entire week after that I was silently freaking out about what to do. I knew I had to tell him. Subconsciously and not-so-subconsciously, I knew he was going to run. So of course, the talk didn’t go as well as I had experienced before. He didn’t freak out, he stayed over and we actually slept together that night. I thought I was in the ‘clear’ (bad pun :P) he texted me really sweet things again, and the next day I did hear from him. However, a few more days went by and I started to get that sinking feeling in your stomach. I sent him a long text about how it had been on my mind. And he sent a very lukewarm response and ‘take care’. Yikes!

 

The biggest thing that’s been on my mind, is that I didn’t give him the choice to make for himself to sleep with me or not, knowing my condition. I have really been beating myself up about it. Not to mention, rejection stings. It is with this current encounter that I’ve finally searched and come to the conclusion that I need to face up to what it is I have, and to be more responsible moving forward. Ten years after the fact! This situation has been a little tough for me, and I feel like this problem has been hibernating in my mind for all this time and has finally woken up. At the expense of another person, which is the worst part. Granted, we did agree to engage in casual sex without having an std talk first. But now I’m stuck with this guilt and heartache. I’m thankful that I’m learning and growing from this. I hope my story can save others from a similar situation.

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Yes, I disclosed to him, and he had a mixed reaction. We did however, still have sex that night. The next day I did hear from him, just a check-in type text. Then a few days later I reached out because I was feeling bad and wanted to reiterate an apology. My gut was telling me that something was off. He did respond, very cooly (like I mentioned) and I haven't heard a peep from him since (about two weeks). Before disclosing, he checked in every few days and very sweetly. There was some other confusing behavior from him... he kind of messed with my head honestly but that's another story! I think it's the combination of other factors plus my virus. Probably just the final straw for him to peace out is my guess. It just happened so suddenly. What's your opinion? The age old dilemma of trying to decode male behavior... :)

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I think a lot of guys would be afraid or superstitious about hitting again sometimes because maybe they are either naive about herpes. Did you give him so more info? Are you taking preventative measure like meds and condoms.

 

If you are at least showing that you are making an effort to protect them, then they might be more likely to trust you.

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In the last paragraph you said you didn't give him the choice, were you sleeping together and then disclose? I put myself in a very similar situation if that's the case and going through the same guilt and heartache. It took a lot of support from many people to remind me that I'm a good person who did a bad thing, but it still stings like hell. I had no ill intentions, it sounds like you didn't either and you came clean and told him. You did the right thing and it sounds like you're on the right track. I know I won't be in this situation again, sounds like you won't either.

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@anette14_99 I'm only addressing your question about decoding the guy's behavior. Based on what he told you about how he stopped seeing another girl when she revealed her positive status, combined with the fact that he is seeking casual sex and had sex with you before discussing STIs, I'm guessing he is someone who is willing to take an unknown risk but uncomfortable taking a known risk. He is able to put out of his mind that the majority of the population has HSV1 either orally or genitally and a fair percentage has HSV2 until he learns definitively that someone is positive and then it feels too risky to him. That's my guess.

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I don't see how this is related to herpes. It doesn't sound like a rejection due to herpes considering that sex happened after disclosure.

 

This is EXACTLY why we do try to encourage people to not disclose when sex is imminent. Because people are likely to let the hormones overrule their head. And that usually ends badly. If anything, most people are more likely to come back after you disclose if they don't have sex right after simply because they don't have the "Oh shit what have I done" thoughts running through their head, clouding their reason. We see it on here a lot where people disclose right before, they have sex, and never hear from the other person again.... it's happened to me several times in my past so I kinda know what I'm talking about here...LOL.

 

Just chalk it down to those with experience *trying* to help others to not make the mistakes we have :)

 

 

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@anette14_99

 

Hello and Welcome!

 

So - here's what I see. You are a good person who was given shitty advice by your sister (not her fault either, she likely was given shitty advice or none at all!) and who was not properly educated by the people who SHOULD have helped you - the medical professionals who you dealt with when you were diagnosed. That is NOT your fault. Sure, you could have done some research, but it's easy to remain ignorant when you don't know what you don't know.

 

And it's easy to "reason" that you haven't passed it on so you don't need to tell anyone you aren't "serious" with. We humans are good at that. So - time to get "unreasonable" - time to drop all the reasons/excuses that you have used to not have to go through the discomfort of disclosing.

 

To be honest, in your situation, you have HSV1. 80% of the population has HSV1. So you have that in your favor, as it were. AND, if the guy walked after you told him your status and he had done *any* research, well, you just got to see something real loud and clear about him... as @optimist said - he's not good at dealing with reality. And maybe that's something that shows in all his life.... in which case, he's likely not a good match anyway. IE: He's a runner who avoids discussing uncomfortable things. He'll stay till some dose of reality hits then he'll bolt rather than talk it out. If it wasn't H, it would have been something else. So don't beat yourself up too much about his behavior. It says more about him than it does about you.... because if he *really* was concerned about STD's he would have insisted on testing first.

 

Anyone who has casual sex and doesn't realize there's a distinct chance they will get *something* just isn't dealing with reality. Sadly it's quite common for people to live with their heads in the sand when it comes to sex and STD's in this country and the Medical Profession is doing a horrendous disservice around this subject by allowing people to remain blissfully ignorant. Sex Ed in schools it pathetic at best. The CDC recommends that H NOT be tested for when people ask for the FULL STD panel (and no one tells people they have not been tested). And none of this is YOUR fault.

 

AND: Now you have had a good dose of reality. You know better now. When you know better, you do better. And THAT is what matters right now. So don't beat yourself up. Learn from this. Become stronger for this. And yes, rejection stings ... but most rejection isn't about you... it's about the other person (which isn't to say they are bad - it's just what they are willing/able to deal with). When you get THAT, rejection loses a lot of its power over you :)

 

(((HUGS)))

 

http://supporttruthanddialog.com/rejection_its-all-about-perspective/ (my blog)

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Thank you all for your feedback and insight. You have helped me immensely. Just to clear up something I didn't make super clear in my original post- yes, we had casual sex with eachother several times, then disclosed, then still had sex on that same night.

 

@optimist you've definitely hit the nail on the head! I'm a very conceptual type thinker and your comment is just plain logic and clear. It makes total sense. From what I know of the guy, it fits his personality type to have that thought process.

 

Like I said, I've been lucky with disclosing in the past. Come to think of it, every guy I've dated before was more of a laid-back type and I didn't feel too awful or uncomfortable telling any of them. Of course it's always a little nerve-wracking. From what I've read around on this site, it's usually a 'sign' when you're over-thinking and very much dreading the talk. And I noticed that's how it was with this guy, it was on my mind more than it was with previous partners. I wasn't as comfortable with this current partner, and obviously, he clearly stated out loud that finding out about an std with a previous encounter was a deal breaker for him. Both of those combined goes to show that he's obviously not someone for me to see anymore. I was overly apologetic with him, and no boyfriend in the past ever made me feel that way. I know myself, and I think I would've got a little too caught up with him and it would've ended anyway. I'm glad it ended sooner than later. Unfortunately it came down on behalf of my own misgivings, but the more I think about it, the less guilt I feel.

 

This experience has brought up a lot of conversation recently amongst close friends and we've asked ourselves, isn't engaging in casual sex pretty risky? Period? In this culture at least, I don't know anyone who has an std talk in a casual sex setting. I'm not saying it's right, and I now know why it's best to be transparent and up front. But we both made that choice together, I took a risk in sleeping with him too.

 

@Hdawg Thank you for your kind words, it's nice to know I'm not alone

@wcsdancer... Yes, I have learned over the years to NOT take my sister's advice anymore about this or anything really haha. A million thank yous for your reply. You have no idea how much it has helped me.

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@anette14_99 I agree with you that people should be aware there is potential risk with any encounter, that most of the time the risk is unknown and/or unstated, and that there is still a need to disclose a known risk.

 

Some people are just ignorant to the facts but others really don't want to know the facts and prefer to believe they can control their level of risk by just being able to somehow tell who is safe and who is not. This mentality allows them to continue having casual sex without inhibitions or anxiety. These people don't want to know the statistics. They want to believe they are safe until proven otherwise.

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This experience has brought up a lot of conversation recently amongst close friends and we've asked ourselves, isn't engaging in casual sex pretty risky? Period? In this culture at least, I don't know anyone who has an std talk in a casual sex setting. I'm not saying it's right, and I now know why it's best to be transparent and up front. But we both made that choice together, I took a risk in sleeping with him too.

 

Sadly, you are right. I get it... who wants to bring that up with someone you may never see again, and break the "spell"... and we all want to believe other people are being responsible, and, well, it's just plain awkward.

 

The problem is that in casual sex, that's the time people really *should* be having these conversations. And people need to just plain get educated. The Porn Industry accepts that there are certain risks associated with that job (just as with many jobs) so they get tested regularly. Although as I understand it, most don't require you to declare if you have Herpes because most of them already have it...LOL.... but that just shows you how knowledge reduces the stigma. They know there are far worse things to worry about (HIV, Syphilis, Gonorrhea all cause worse long term issues than Herpes does for most people). So they worry about the things that matter, and they act "responsibly" by getting tested about every 4-8 weeks.

 

This is why we need to open a conversation about STD's and sex in general - so that swapping STD tests just becomes part of the process without judgement no matter if you are in the casual sex scene or looking for a life partner. I've seen virgins with H (got it from oral sex) and an 80-something yr old woman who got it after her hubby died after 50-something yrs of marriage when she ventured into the dating scene. NO ONE is immune. And like pregnancy, it only takes ONE encounter at the wrong time. The slut shaming (both from others AND towards ones self) has to end. The ignorance needs to stop and we just have to start to look and this as something we understand, a risk we take, and what we can do to protect ourselves.... and that won't happen until enough of us are willing to speak out ... I have a longer term plan, but right now I'm dealing with getting my elderly father moved in with me (and then how to juggle this without him finding out because he's more likely to get upset or confused and I just don't want to worry him if I can help it! LOL) but I have plans to get a lot more public than I already am about it in the not-too-distant future (I'm already 100% out on facebook by the way... and I've only had support and love from the 1000+ people in my friend list).

 

*Jumping off soapbox* LOL

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The thing that hurts very badly about disclosing and then having the person 'ghost' you or never speak to you again, is that you share something so very personal with them. As for the pain that is inflicted when that happens, as I have now experienced and so has @hdawg and others, it just really really feels terrible to share that information with someone only to have them never speak to you again. And it's a feeling that you can't ever illustrate for that other person. It's like having a scar that you're ashamed of, showing that other person, and having them say 'that's disgusting and something I can't accept'. It's like they take your secret and run away with it! Come to think of it though, it's probably more a reflection of that other person. On a psychological level, they aren't willing to face up to their own scars. Maybe I'm diverging or getting too deep...

 

@hippyherpy I admire your approach to casual sex and disclosing. Many don't follow the same path and I plan on changing my approach moving forward.

 

@optimist again you're very right about people probably just blocking it out of their mind and telling themselves that if they chose the right people to sleep with, everything will be fine. During our disclosure talk, he did mention that his previous 'date' had said her roommate also had h, and he seemed to be processing the fact that a lot of people do have it.

 

@wcsdancer2010 Overall though, yes it comes down to one huge thing - STIGMA. The social construct and illusion that the virus is some terrible, awful thing reserved for the promiscuous. I personally think all of that is total bullshit and so did my past encounters. The irony is that this experience has opened my eyes to the fact that there are many ignorant people out there. I've already considered becoming more open about my status and sharing my story with others (not just sex partners). Before this happened, it was honestly a hush-hush sort of topic with me. I probably won't be putting up a sign anywhere or flying an h flag anytime soon ;) but sharing my story means other people hearing my story. Its a small step!

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Come to think of it though, it's probably more a reflection of that other person. On a psychological level, they aren't willing to face up to their own scars. Maybe I'm diverging or getting too deep...

 

BOOM!!!!

 

You hit the nail on the head,... these links may help you to chew on this one a bit more... but this isn't just about Herpes either.... it's just become "our" way of learning these things about relationships:

 

http://supporttruthanddialog.com/disclosure-its-not-just-about-herpes/

 

http://supporttruthanddialog.com/using-herpes-as-your-wingman/

 

http://supporttruthanddialog.com/rejection_its-all-about-perspective/

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@anette14_99 my recent experience has led me to open up to several friends and it has been pretty empowering. Not only have they been super supportive but just owning it has taken the stigma out of it. They already care about me and it hasn't changed how they feel or view me and has almost become an exercise if you will to see what a positive reaction is like by somebody who truly cares or even loves you. Telling them has honestly been a very healing experience in a lot ways for me. Hope you had a good one.

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@hdawg, you sound like such a wonderful person. You're owning up to your experience, and a lot of people would run or sweep it under the rug. You are a brave person and it takes a lot of guts to go through this. I know you're going to meet someone who is worthy of the kind of person you are someday.

 

Thanks again everyone, happy hunting :)

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