Im beyond hurt

I really don't know where to begin. I've been with my man for 4 years we have two beautiful little girls together. While I his sock drawer I found medicine. It was for herpes . I called him up immediately and demanded the truth. He said he has had it for years and was scared to tell me. 4 years. I feel betrayed lied to. Hurt. Devastated. He didn't afford me the chance to make a decision to stay. He put my health and risk our babies health . I am going nuts waiting to get tested and I'm so scared I have it. This is not what I asked for. What do I do? Where do I go from here?

Although I've never been in your situation, my best guy friend's ex wife had herpes and she didn't disclose until 3yrs after they've been together. They were together a total of 7, but it seemed like he never quite got over her lying about it and he never got it. It is possible to be w someone and never get it. I can't imagine the hurt and betrayal you're experiencing at this moment and I'd imagine even worse for you than my friend, because you weren't aware and had kids. It's honestly hard for me to understand how anyone can lie, especially for that long.

Fear of rejection can be a powerful thing for some people, so much so that they will do what your husband did. For me getting H, there was never a choice in my mind to disclose or not. Once I got it, there was one option only and that was to always disclose. I have a hard time understanding someone not doing so and find it repulsive and nothing short of selfish.

I think your husband and you going to see a therapist to work through this betrayal is your first step. Even if you do have it, you'll be OK;.. I can assure you that the betrayal and pain is worse than having H. Hang in there, keep your chin up, breathe and know that whatever the outcome, you'll be ok. Ill ask my friend what advice he can give on this, since he's been through it and see what he says. Hugs!

Thank you so much. I'm crying my eyes out. I'm lost. Your right for me it's the betrayal. I wanted the chance to decide. It wasn't fair

I sent this post to my best friend and asked if he had any advice to give. He said it wasn't the herpes, because he had planned on being w her forever, it was the betrayal and he said he never got over that. W that said, he did say that he was much younger and things bothered him then, that wouldn't bother him now older and wiser. I'm not sure your age, but as we age, priorities do shift. I too would be devastated by such, as that's a long secret to hold in. He actually said that he thinks it's worse for the person telling the lie and a lot more painful, because they're the ones who have to live w it every day. He said he doesn't necessarily blame someone who lies about it, because they fear the judgement and rejection that comes w it. I disagree w him on that one and said no amount of fear of rejection, judgement or whatever, could ever make me not disclose, but I understand we all are different. I think this situation makes it difficult to use judgement or discernment. Sometimes when we've been hurt, it can be very difficult to put ourselves in the other person's shoes (discernment) and try to see things from their point of view.

Here's a couple of questions to ask yourself to try and not allow this to destroy your marriage and most importantly, YOU.

* is he a good husband?

* is he a good father?

* before this discovery, did you see yourself w him forever?

* is he a good man who takes care of you and your children's needs?

* what made you fall in love w this man and think he was the one?

* what feelings did you have the day you looked him in the eyes and said I do?

* what are the things you love about him?

Answer these questions for yourself, then I'm going to ask you to go to the section on this forum, about disclosure. I want you to read through at least 10 of the posts, so you can see the anxiety, torture, fear, loneliness, rejection and utter horror at the thought of disclosing causes people.

Then I want you to go through those questions and answer them again and see if you can then put yourself in your husbands shoes, as hard as that may be.

Now tell me how you feel and how your thoughts have changed.

Hang in there, I know it's hard. Hey, my ex husband lied to me about his second child, until we'd been together for 8 months, oh and he dropped the bomb in Walmart. How f'ing whiskey tango is that? (White trash) ... Lol. Just hoped to get a little smile out of you w that one. Hugs!

Lol thank you for the laugh. I hate that he did that to you. Before this bomb, he's a great father, he provides our needs, loving and affectionate. We are in our late 30's. We always knew we we're ready to settle and we we're happy with one another. I did what you said. And I understand the fear that people can have. My heart hurts for them. I feel betrayed. I feel that why didn't he trust in me enough to know I could of dealt with it? Im scared to death I may have it and though it's not as bad as people think, it's the fact that he didn't give me the choice to take the risk.

I feel torn inside. One side of me thinks this is a big betrayal. This isn't something little, he hid something that he has for life. Id almost rather he cheated. On the other side, I love him so deeply that I want to hug him and hold him. But I'm so so hurt.

It means the world you are talking to me thank you.

It's not necessarily that he didn't trust you to tell you, it's that he feared losing you and in his rationale at the time, that fear of losing you, was much greater than taking a chance on seeing how you'd handle it. Don't internalize his betrayal on yourself, like what does that mean or say about you, it's all about him.... Has NOTHING to do w you. He let his fear guid his moral compass, which yes, is selfish IMHO.

Is there a chance you have it? Yes, but it's even more likely that you don't. Is he taking those meds daily or episodically? If he takes them daily, he's cutting your transmission risk down exponentially. I think the numbers were based off sex 3xs a week for a yr and if he takes the meds daily, then it's like 4%. If you have it, you're an asymptomatic carrier then and you're married, so it changes NOTHING for you in your life. The ONLY thing you need to learn to deal w now, is getting through the betrayal and educating you're on herpes. There are people married all their lives who never pass it. Do you get cold sores? Have you been w anyone who gets cold sores before? Did you stress about getting herpes then? Because hsv 1 is the more versatile one out if the two and more likely to spread both places.

No, trust me, you would not rather he cheated over lying about H. You're letting the stigma get to you. He can't leave you and fall in love w H, like he can another woman. That ex husband I told you about, did cheat on me, begged me to stay and 3 months later left me fkr a different woman than he cheated w. Trust me, you do not want infidelity as the better of the options in your mind.

.btw, passing H during delivery is actually pretty rare tbh.

You have every right to be angry and feel betrayed. One big betrayal, always makes you question everything from the beginning to now. It's normal for you to feel this way, but don't stay in it and live in it. Tell yourself that you're going to allow yourself time to grieve the betrayal, but give yourself a timeline so this doesn't start causing damage to the marriage. Ask yourself if you think ad much as it hurt, if it's worth losing a great husband and father over? Do you know how hard it is to find a decent man these days? I'm 34 and I just dealt w a 38yr old man who is a player and uses the same lines on every girlgirl, I was shocked! I thought we stopped playing those games at 25. If he's a good man, then don't let this ruin it. You don't want to trade a good man for dealing w the douche bags I've had to at this age. The grass isn't always greener on the other side. Keep reading those disclosure stories if you feel that you need to feel what is like in his shoes. I think we fail to put outskevesin others shoes a lot and ONLY think about how ourselves are hurting and not about the other person.

@2hurt2kno

Hello, Welcome, and..... (((HUGS)))

You got a lot of great advice from @2legittoquit.... and she is right. His keeping this from you is all thanks to the stigma and his fear of losing you, of rejection, and possibly a belief that Herpes makes him less of a person, and that if you knew that about him you would leave. One of the most unfortunate things about Herpes is the mind-fuck that many go through when diagnosed. And if he had a few bad rejections, that would, in his mind, "prove" to him that if he tells someone that they will leave him.

While I can't condone what he did, I can understand it. I see so many people on here dealing with a rejection which, when they look back, was often a blessing in disguise because often they find later they dodged a huge bullet, but it's hard to see that at the time. I've written some blogs on Rejection and I'm going to give you some more things to read ... and I agree with the advice that 2Legit gave you to read the section on disclosures and see how people agonize over this

https://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/categories/herpes-talk-disclosing

http://supporttruthanddialog.com/rejection_its-all-about-perspective/

And then there's the shame:

From everything you have said here, you had a good marriage before this. I'm going to suggest VERY strongly that you get into counseling with him. You actually have an OPPORTUNITY here (yes, it's that H Opportunity again!) to make your marriage better than it's ever been right now. You have the chance to create a space for openness and vulnerability that is so deep and profound that you will wonder why you didn't get there already but anyone who has been married for a long time (over 25 yrs) will tell you it often takes a crisis for a relationship to get to that level.

And BTW, you mentioned early on that he put your children at risk ... beyond the birth (and Dr's know to watch women for any signs of OB's during the birth) there is NO risk of them getting H from him. They are at a FAR higher risk of getting HSV1 orally (aka Cold Sores) from their friends than from getting it from your hubby. Promise. So please put THAT fear out of your head, ok?

You know that part of you that wants to just take him in and hug him? Let her out. Let her listen to him and let him tell his story. Try to see this from a place of empathy. This isn't like cheating, where someone gives their heart, mind and/or body to someone, this is a betrayal caused by someone who loves you SO MUCH that he allowed the fear of losing you to override his sense of integrity. So it's quite the opposite of cheating. His heart is so much with you, he couldn't allow himself to risk losing you.

Yes, you have every right to feel betrayed. AND, I hope you will find it in your heart to give this man a chance to explain himself, and to make things right with you. He sounds like a great guy (and as 2Legit said, they are a RARE breed!). USE this as a way to re-create and deepen your relationship.

(((HUGS)))

Hi. I am new I just found my partner of a year knew he was a carrier for like 25 years. I am in the middle of an ob, my first, and it is horrible. I can totally relate to your feelings. I am really hurt. And I think he only disclosed as lamely as he did out of guilt because he came over and saw my misery first hand.

I think the other posts are right. They keep the secret out of fear of rejection and guilt. You have a lot more good to weight against this issue. I do not have that much good and this kind of solidifies the not so good parts. He a fully tried to make me feel guilty by saying are you saying I gave this to you? And the entire time he knew he had it. And then he acted dumb like well geez maybe it hides and doesn't show all the time. I was like well any jackass could google that up. And it doesn't mean he is a bad person. I don't believe that. I love this man. I just wonder what else he is hiding and in my case the closed off lack of concern he displays really bothers me a lot

I wish you the best and I'm so glad you and your children are healthy. I have two kids. And if you are looking for goodness then maybe zoom in on the fact that your husband has been actively addressing the H. Unlike my guy who seems to be just running around like a man who're and who the hell knows who he left the gift that keeps on giving with.

Hugs

Thanks to you all for sharing. I am newly diagnosed, and the person who gave it to me was first blaming me, then in denial, and now is totally ignoring me, posting pics of him and his new girlfriend all over the Internet. I'm so angry and feel so betrayed after ten years with him. It is devastating. And the sleepless nights are the worst! Your words give me comfort. Thank you.

@roro, I'm so sorry you have to go through this pain. Something happen to me. Was seeing a guy for 4 years. I was under tremendous stress and grieving my moms passing when I fell suffering from a concussion. Two weeks later I had my first outbreak. Felt like I was handed the death sentence. Couple weeks after when I was comfortable telling him, I did. Well he immediately stopped all contact except for once when he called blaming me, denying it, etc. said he was gonna get a test but never did. I had a bloodtest done month after ob, value was 6. I became so depressed was sucidial. Everything I had been through and now this. I couldn't function, couldn't stop crying, wanted to pop pills to numb the pain. Those sleepless nights or waking up with pretend convo in my head from not knowing. I started journaling those conversations. Got them out of my head. I didn't chase him. Finally couple months later, I sent him two text, one talking about herpes and the other saying his reaction is wrong disrectful and hurtful. My own closure. I got professional help. He left me very jaded.

Our very first date he had a coldsore and I saw valtrex in his bathroom. I believe he had it all along and didn't tell me. It's been a year we only exchanged a few simple text. He tried to call me Christmas time, but I responded in text only. I believe he carries guilt and shame from his actions and does think of me often. Found out he ask his sis in law who is my good friend about me and my kids all the time. I think he does miss me too. How can he not, four years is a longtime. His actions were cowardly and mean and speak of his character. When we were together we hung with a circle of people. I disappeared from them to, moved on and started a new life. Not because they know the story, neither one of us told because I needed to help myself and do what's best for me. Did traveling, therapy, cut back to barely drink or going out.

I could never go back to him. The trust has been broken and because of everything I am not the same person he once knew. The question which I tend to ask and need to work on is if you love someone, how can you throw them away like a piece of garbage? Does it mean the whole relationship was a lie? What wcdancer said he rather be right than happy.

So my friend, you will ride the roller coaster of emotions, just go with it as its your way of healing. His new girlfriend is a coverup for his pain. Men process break up differently than us girls. They go crazy, 6 months later it hits them as we take it hard first then slowly find our fun. Just at the perfect timing, when he is missing us we seemed to have moved on. Which btw is the best revenge. Hurts like hell down deep but time will heal. A better guy will come along.

@StillMeButWiser THANK YOU SO MUCH for your words, your kindness, your honesty, for everything you said here. This is EXACTLY how I've been feeling, like I was just garbage to him! Ten years of being there for him and this is how he treats me? all while having to deal with the feelings that come with the outbreak and diagnosis! I do believe he's run away from me because he feels guilty and this is his way of just avoiding his own feelings of guilt and responsibilities. I believe you when you say I will heal with time, and there will be someone else for me because I believe I am loveable. I am so sorry to hear about everything you went through! And all that during the time of grief from losing your mom! You are so strong! You've helped me so much today!! I appreciate you sharing and helping me deal with all these feelings of grief, anger, betrayal, depression. I feel like in all this at least we can all help each other. Sending you so much love and positive thoughts for your continued healing and good health

@roro thanking you putting a smile on my face. What I learned from much googling and talking through my healing process was..... Bits and pieces (flags) of his character was on the wall through out the relationship. I either choose to not let it bother me or I didn't see it. Looking back it clearly sends an arrow pointing to the exit door. Lol. Another thing his cowardly behavior is stemmed from fear. Fear of having to face those tough emotions and conversations. He wasn't a good communicator. Even though i was spiraling down to a deep place, when I interacted with him (disclosing, couple follow up text and random simple text) I handled it with dignity. Never chased, beg, blamed or pleaded. If I ever do run into him I won't be the one hanging my head low. Hopefully the tears of hurt will stay hidden for those few minutes. Lol. Sometimes I try to imagine the what if. What if I did run into him? What would I say? How would it be? Think finding out later than sooner be best. Lol

Jan 2015 was when it all went down . I found out his ex wife of 6 yrs and kids moved back in with him in April. Started off as a temporary bases but ended up permanently. My girlfriend and therapist says the herpes was an excuse for him. Who knows. There is a part of me who wants to call him. Maybe all my questions would get answers. Would I believe the answers, probably not. Until then time is doing its thing.

I remind myself the 4 years wasn't a complete waste. He kept me grounded as I went through a nasty nasty divorce, abuse and surgery. We shared many laughs/good moments, never agrued and had very intimate love making. Through him I discovered I could truly love again after dealing with my ex husband and what love feels like. Too bad I ended up hurt. I'm sure he is too. Through it all I never lost my dream to love someone who will appreciate me. I wonder who it is.

Keep your chin up. MSG me if you want.

Well I have been gone a month and 6 days. I wanted to update everyone, I just needed time. So after the initial post, I went right into counseling. And later he joined the sessions. I learned the fear people go through is bad, however it does not condone what he did. The thereapist is working on him and helping me through the hurt and now trust issues. I was tested.and I tested negative. The doctor said he had been taking his medicine everyday. And now I Understood why certain days or week he was "sick" and avoided me in the bed room. Again , he was still wrong. In time I believe we can work towards healing and get back on track. He still is as always a fantastic dad to our children that won't change.

The betrayl is something that needs to be addressed long term. But I am at the point in therapy of acceptance. The lie was not ok but I no longer feel devastated if that makes any sense.

Have you always used condom with him? Have he taken aciclovir during these years?

@2hurt2kno

So glad to hear you are working through things. You are right - you can forgive, and that doesn't mean it's ok... it means you have let go of the poison attached to the anger. From that point on it's up to him to continue to show you he's learned from his mistake. I think the fact that he's in therapy too says a LOT....

Keep us posted! We're cheering you on over here that you will find closure with this and a renewed relationship with your man...

(((HUGS)))