An extended NYC Herpes-disclosure experience

I would like to share you my story step for step of my disclosure experience last night on a date.

Maybe this is helpful.

A year ago I have been diagnosed with HSV2. Kind of by accident when my doctor suggested to run the test due to my promiscuous past. My symptoms are kind of very mild. I think it is with a pimple that looks like an ingrown hair follicle or an itchy skin around my groin. I am single at the moment and recently started dating via the dating site OK-Cupid

I have decided that whenever intimacy (sex) would be a real possibility, I would disclose my status prior to having sex.

So yesterday I had a third date with this very cute girl, I connected well with so far.

The second date, we were kissing a bit, which gave me the idea that most likely we would hit it off on the third date. I decided that my disclosure talk would be on this next third date.

The information and video's provided on this site, were VERY helpful to simply get the facts and create some courage.

Dating site OK-Cupid works with questions and one of the sex questions is: "would you date someone who has genital herpes?".

My date had answered this question with "NO". Needless to say that this made matters even more tense for me. BUt i knew that what people disclose on a dating site is often the perfect match. Who is perfect?

I admit I ran this talk in my head over and over again and wanted her pretty badly to accept me. But had some sense of peace and acceptance that a rejection will not kill me, nor bring me down. I am worthy and trust me it took me some time to fully believe in this.

I decided to do one thing. Not fantasize about being rejected. I decided to come from a place of caring, vulnerability and security. We went out to dinner first, but I couldn't start the herpes talk over food. It just seemed to me distasteful to talk about symptoms while eating! lol. So I waited for a better moment. We were in a bar with live music and there was time to talk in all seriousness. I knew I had to prevent to wait until I am naked with her! That would have been very unfair to do.

1. THE LEAD

I started talking about my pretty wild past of partying and promiscuity. I talked about that I have done things that I am not always proud of. That I hope she would not judge me on this. I also said very clearly that I have decided to come from a place of honesty when dating this time. That to me, this is a cornerstone of a relationship. Sharing in all honesty is extremely important to me. She agreed to all of this.

2. SHOWING SELF WORTH

It let me to the next chapter, when I talked about that I am a wonderful guy, a good partner and worthy of everything. It sounds exaggerated and overdone, but these words gave me power to move on.

She asked "how do you know that?" and I answered "Because I am". So basically I showed that I am happy with myself and who I am. I followed with saying. I am a package with cons and pro's and although we will in the beginning want to emphasize on all the pro's, after a few months we will get to know each other more and more and see some flaws, compared to how we presented ourselves in the beginning. That this to me, is all fine and all good.

3. DISCLOSING HERPES

Than the big words. I continued saying: So in the beginning I believe it is important to give you the power of choice for matters that might be very important to you. I have genital herpes. I am not happy I have this, but it is what it is. And I respect you so much, that I want to give you prior to getting intimate the choice to decide if you are okay with this.

I continued saying that I could not imagine a good relationship, where I would brake this news later, making the choice for her by hiding it in secrecy.

4. HER REACTION

Her reaction was of surprise and yes disappointment. She answered: "that is a lot to take in....".

Silence for a short moment. I took the lead and asked: what do you know about herpes? her answer was "nothing".

I asked: "are you okay if I give you some statistics?" She answered "yes please" So I explained how 20% of people carry this virus. How 80% don't even know they have it. How in all seriousness, it is safer to have sex with me by taking the right precautionary actions than to randomly have sex with a date without knowing the facts. I told her that I think I know when I shed or when I have a symptom. That I will always use a condom with her or simply abstain when I think I have symptoms. She asked me some questions and I expressed very clearly that if she feels it is too difficult for to continue dating, I would always respect that decision and not think bad of her in any way. that was the end of it.

5. THE AWKWARD MOMENT OF PROCESSING

Than this awkward moment was there. I didn't touch her anymore for I didn't know if she was rejecting me or not.

I simply gave her time to process it all and not force myself upon her in my insecurity. I just sat with these insecure feelings and kept them with me. Reacting on them by forcing off a hug or a kiss would be selfish, for it would be motivated by my own insecurity. I saw that what I did was basically reset the date. So what I would do in the beginning of the date when it comes to physical connection, I had to do again. Slowly touching her arm or leg. Slowly checking if this was accepted or gave rise to her discomfort. Slowly searching for physical acceptance. When she held my hand I knew she was okay with my physical presence. I was so relieved!

6. HER DECISION

We had a nice night and she invited me to her place and after kissing and touching on the couch we went to the bedroom. She kind of ignored my genitals and I accepted that. We had sex with condom and I was sure to not touch her vagina with my penis without any protection. Not because i thought that might be unsafe but because she might still feel insecure about the situation.

In the morning I thanked her for her understanding and she thanked me for my bold honesty.

We had breakfast together and I left without trying to again confirm acceptation from her. I let it all go.

Whatever will occur, shall occur, will happen and must happen, that is my credo.

Thank you for reading

Congrats! You did great! Hope it works out!

Good for you bro. Actually in NYC the stat is at least 1/4 people have herpes. NYC is

I think that people who have here's should be more afraid of getting other stuff instead of people being afraid of them. Athens big one is HIV, which is 3xmore easy to catch if you have had a herpes outbreak on your genitals and the other person has HIV.

As far as dating websites go, it's usually best to ignore someone's profile and just meet them in real life. Sure, skim for red flags, but it might be a waste of time to read someone's questions and all that.

Off topic, but I've read that some cities have here's rate as high as 40% amongst sexually active youngsters.

Good job mate, seems like a well thought-out delivery. Hope you let us know what happens once she's had a few days to ponder.

Beautiful Story, and good to have a male perspective... adding this to the Success Stories section, and to my personal list of male POV ... I often get men who say we are overpopulated with women on here so it's nice to point them to something that they can identify with :)

Well done!

Thank you all for your comments.

Update #1

I have a fourth date this week. We will go out for dinner and see a music performance.

Should I just let it be for now? I mean if she wants to talk she can bring it up, right?

These feelings show I am still uncomfortable and still fearful for rejection.

On the other hand: we have another date. Any possible future rejection is because we are not a match. That is not related to my status. That is life too. ;-)

Odds are she's processing and seeing if she's really that into you - but it wouldn't hurt to do a check-in to see where she's at with it, and if she needs more info. People often consult their friends and get bad advice (and sometimes, GOOD advice!) or they go on Google. So you want to make sure she's got the correct info. Just approach it that you are concerned that if she's getting info, that she gets GOOD info. You can give her this site's info, (we have a section for the H- partners), or my website ( www.SupportTruthandDialog.com ) or Westover Heights ( http://westoverheights.com/ ) ... as well as these links

http://projectaccept.org/who-gets-hsv/

Handouts + disclosure e-book:

https://www.herpesopportunity.com/lp/ebook

Herpes facts video

It may help if you give her the transmission risk worksheet. Just say I wanted to give this to you, so you had a better understanding of the risks and what the options are and see what she says.

@2ligit2quit where can i find that sheet.

@WCSDancer2010 thank you!

I already see some helpful new information (I am a shaver...).

You should have got it sent to you in email, when you signed up.

https://thehopp.leadpages.co/leadbox/143f7ac73f72a2%3A15ded8507b46dc/5745865499082752/?lp-in-iframe=0&__fromjs=0

@wcsdancer2010 will have to do that or @adrial

The sheet was in the links I already gave you

Handouts + disclosure e-book:

https://www.herpesopportunity.com/lp/ebook

After I gave my boyfriend the information, I left the door open for communication if he wanted to discuss further, but I didn't push the discussion. I get the anxiety, but if you choose to bring it up again, I would say something to the extent of "I know I gave you a lot of information last week (or whenever), if it's something you'd like to talk about further, I'm ready to talk or answer questions whenever you are." I would not keep bringing it up, though. If you do, it will seem like YOU think it's a big deal, which is more likely to make it a big deal for her.

@elise1977 wise words, thank you, I will definitely take your suggestions.

@Sil88 We have been on 13 dates. Know each other now for like 6 weeks. It has been fun. She got tested and turns out she has HSV1. We pretty much feel free to do everything we like sexually. With condom. Oral we do without condoms. We talked about her HSV1 status.

My issues are more related to being rejected in general in relationships instead of having a positive H-status. The general relationship issues I have are when I try to be the perfect BF. Why I mention this, is because this all relates to matters of self worth and insecurities in general. And these matters are important when it comes to working on my H-confidence. But thats for a different forum ;-)

Ahhhhh - rejection - *Sigh* .... we humans really get screwed up over it... when in fact, it's a physical and psychological reaction to something that animals just take in their stride.... or at least, they don't get half as screwed up as we do over it.

This might be a good place for you to start to get a perspective on rejection :)

http://supporttruthanddialog.com/rejection_its-all-about-perspective/ (my blog)

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/4699/first-real-disclosure-first-real-rejection Rejection as your teacher…..

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-squeaky-wheel/201307/10-surprising-facts-about-rejection