One more successful disclosure story

In the spirit of continuing to help our little “H” community live a good life, I thought I’d share my recent (and first ever) disclosure experience. I’d read all the other positive disclosure stories (THANKS to all of you who contributed those – they helped a great deal!), and learned that I needed to educate myself more about this virus. You see, I also met a great guy recently, the first one after breaking up with the guy who shared his virus with me (without disclosing he had it – not sure whether I believe he didn’t know or not; that’s another story…). I’m almost 50 years old, and was diagnosed from my first outbreak about a year ago. So maybe I have a little more maturity in how I perceive this virus and how I deal with it than some of our younger community members. Not to say my diagnosis didn’t absolutely piss me off at the time, and I’ve cried my share of tears in outrage, shame, misery, and fear. But at this point, through a lot of self-education and great sites like this one, I’m okay with it. It’s a minor inconvenience I live with. Much less of an inconvenience than some other conditions, such as psoriasis, food allergies, diabetes, the flu,and monthly periods (think about it – what is more likely to interrupt the rhythm of your healthy sex life: an OB a couple times a year, or a menstrual period every month?).

So on to the disclosure. Third date, great date – murder mystery dinner show! It was hilarious. We’d really clicked on so many levels of interest and values and energy. Had a bit of a makeout session on the last date which was awesome, and I was a little nervous about the Third Date. I boned up on the risk information from this site and from other sites, read through all the successful disclosure stories, and realized I needed to do two key things: 1. Be factual, and 2. Be confident. I rehearsed what I’d say, numerous times, until I had my “elevator speech” down – I have a tendency to ramble and didn’t want to do that in this situation. I envisioned various outcomes from this disclosure and how I’d react (or want to react) to each, just to mentally prepare myself for the potential rejection as well as a successful acceptance (including the potential that he, too, would have a disclosure statement). So, when we were back at my place, comfortably canoodling on the couch, and things were heating up a bit, I deliberately called a “time out” and got up to get water. I needed to slow the pace, and create some space to introduce the topic. I came back to the couch, sat next to, but not touching, him, and said, “Wow, that was really nice! I like you, and I like where I see this going. I think you’d agree that it’s progressing towards greater intimacy, right?” He agreed, enthusiastically. “Okay, then we’d probably better have the “due diligence” talk – about STDs”. He looked a little worried, I’ll admit. I asked him when he’d last been tested, or if he’d ever been tested. He admitted he’d had a “scare” in his last relationship that prompted his getting tested for everything. I asked him if that specifically included herpes; he said yes, he’d asked for that test as he understood it wasn’t normally included on the full panel of tests. His results were negative. I took a bit of a breath and said “well, I do carry the genital herpes virus, and I want you to know that because, like I said, I like you and I respect you, and you will need to decide if that’s a deal-breaker for you. I don’t know how much you know about the virus and risk of transmission but I’d like to tell you about it.” I then proceeded to go over the risks and probabilities of transmittal, including the risk relative to other undesirable events such as having a car accident or getting me pregnant. I told him I was on a daily antiviral pill and had no problems at all with it. He was quiet while I was telling him all this. I assured him that if he decided he’d rather not continue to see me, that I wouldn’t hold him in any kind of bad regard; I’d be disappointed, of course, but I understood that it was too scary for some people. He asked me a few questions about my outbreak (the only one I’ve had so far, knock on valacyclovir!), and which antiviral I was on. He knew it was a skin condition, not a moral failing, and he even knew the statistics on oral herpes incidence (he’d done his homework when he had his scare). We talked about some other stuff, and the conversation expanded into relationship experiences and honesty and communication and just all this great, intimate, discussion, and it occurred to me that THIS is what you mean by the Opportunity! We did, indeed, reach a greater level of intimacy that night, but it wasn’t sexual. It was honesty. And we have another two dates lined up….

This is great :-). Your story put a huge smile on my face :-). So inspiring for someone who is totally new to this :-). I am very happy for you :-).

Yaaahhhh! Congrats! So happy for you! Did you guys end up doing the deed though? What was his reaction?

Inspiring. Congratulations.

So great to read this. I hope I soon run across a mature, understanding man like this. :/

Hi, all. Sorry for the long lag, but I've been busy. Thank you all, first off, for the good wishes! It's such a source of strength to have this community to turn to. Second, and more to the point, I have continued to see him, and we have more dates lined up. And yes, 2Legit, we "did the deed" but not that night. Funny story - after our frank and honest discussion, he confessed that he had suffered an unfortunate incident in preparing for the date. While manscaping (ahem), he'd gotten a little too aggressive/excited and had nicked himself. There. Yes, there. He even showed me to prove it wasn't a lame excuse to avoid sex! LOL! So we decided it was best to wait until he was healed up. So take heart, compatriots - good, understanding, nonjudgmental people are indeed out there and will be open to a healthy, happy relationship with you even if you harbor this inconvenient virus.

So awesome and happy for you! Proof for other's, that H doesn't prevent you from having a live life.

Thanks for sharing!

We talked about some other stuff, and the conversation expanded into relationship experiences and honesty and communication and just all this great, intimate, discussion, and it occurred to me that THIS is what you mean by the Opportunity! We did, indeed, reach a greater level of intimacy that night, but it wasn’t sexual. It was honesty.

Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! YEEEESSSSS!!!!

The "Opportunity".

Intimacy. Honesty. Vulnerability. Deeeep Connection. Yesssssssssss!

So happy for you!!!

(((HUGS)))

Thought I'd close the circle on this story. This relationship actually didn't work out, but not for any herpes-related issues. He turned out to be somewhat of a jerk, and I turned out to be more selective than I thought. I've moved happily onward, though, and am back in the dating world, open to more Opportunities.

Best of luck out there!