Is it worth it to abstain? Or to risk it?

My best friend and I have been intimate on and off over the past few years while in between relationships. he just found out he may have herpes. As in, he's never been tested or had symptoms but a few days after he was with a girl she had an outbreak (she claims to have never had one and the outbreak tested positive for hsv1). If he did get it and pass it on, he likely got it very recently from his last not very faithful girlfriend. In between this last girlfriend and the the girl who had the outbreak, my bff and I did fool around a few times. After the news I got tested but came back negative for both types of herpes, though I know it could be too soon to show up.

I am so confused and don't know what to do. Most importantly, I need him to feel/be okay and I seem to have no effect in doing that. He is so depressed and feeling useless like he has nothing to look forward to now. I'm honestly tempted just to be with him/risk getting it to show him that he's fine and it's not the biggest deal in the world either way. Especially since it's Hsv1 chances are a ton of people he or I might want to date in the future would already have it, at least orally. At the same time if I don't already have it, I have some of the same fears he does now- how would I navigate a potential relationship where I might give it to someone I love? Still It just breaks my heart to see him so lost.

A few factors: slight possibility neither of us has it and the girl just had her first noticeable outbreak after years of latency, triggered by rough sex. Slight possibility I know.

B) my bff and I are going on a month-long trip. With our history it will be very difficult to not be intimate, and I worry that instead of being awesome the trip will actually prove to depress him further :/

C) the trip is too soon to conclusively know if either/both of us have it. If both then this wouldn't be an issue but if I didn't have it and got a primary outbreak while traveling, well, that would suck big time obviously.

D) possible he could have it orally and just spread it to her down there via saliva etc, in which case we could still play around safely with everything not involving his mouth ;) but how would we know where it is without an outbreak? So tricky.

E) protection isn't really an option. You can contest this but just trust me. It wouldn't protect surrounding areas and even if it did, nothing can happen. Years of experience trying, including recently, to back this up. Not an option, unless you know some amazing trick in which case enlighten me!

F) I have pretty sensitive skin. Doesn't mean much just a factor in my head thinking there might be a higher chance of transmission or of outbreaks being particularly Oww.

If it were someone I was going to be with for the rest of my life there would be no factors/questions. But this is someone I know well, care about a lot and plan on having as a friend at least for as long as life and time permits :) However, we will probably end up with other people, romantically, which is why all the questions. I know you can't tell me what to do or what is right for me but I would appreciate any input soooo much! Is there anyone who has been intimate with someone that they didn't marry/end up with and got herpes as a result, but wouldn't take back that choice because of the importance of the connection with that person?

Uh I'm fairly new to being diagnosed myself and I can honestly say, your friend will be ok whether or not you have sex with him or not. Put him onto this site because when I say it has helped soooooo much. I've only been diagnosed for a month and a half and while I do still have my bad moments (not days anymore, thank God), I'm mostly positive about it. It's literally a skin condition and he'll find someone to accept him through it. Also, a lot of what I've read has said the longer we have it, the less it'll rear its head and that we'll soon forget about it until we remember it lol. But as far as you risking yourself, that's solely up to you. There is medication that he can take to lower his shedding, i.e. transmission rates, which will cut the chance of you getting it in half. Since you're against condoms, his transmission rate will be 2.5% if I'm not mistaken. I'm sure someone will correct me if I'm wrong.

I don't know what to say to this besides its your choice if you want to chance it or not but even if you don't and he does have it, be there for him. When I found out, my best friend was there through all my tears and feelings of worthlessness and one day she sat me down and gave me some tough love and after that, I felt sooooo much better. And like I said, this site in itself is a blessing. So if he has it and you decide to engage and get it too, y'all will both be ok. This isn't as bad as I thought it was when I first found out. The hardest part was telling my now boyfriend and he accepted me and it fully, hence "now" lol.

Okay, well it sounds like he has oral herpes z aka cold sores. 80% of adults carry the virwu that causes cold sores. Sounds like she contracted this from oral sex w him. There's going to be a risk w most anyone other adult you come into contact w these days. It's just part of being a living being.

Cold sores do not have the stigma applied to it, as genital heroes do unfortunately. Not even when it's ghsv1, it is seen as the leader of the two evils to ha e in the genitals. I feel you guys are feeding into an unnecessary stigma. Ate you going to ask every guy w no signs of a cold sore in your future, if he has them before kissing? Are you only going to kiss soneone after they've been tested, for such a casual act as kissing?

You cna always use a dental jam for oral sex. It is highly unlikely he has it on his genitals and even if he did, it's rare to pass gshv1 to teh genitals.

Thank you so much for your replies. Not feeding into a stigma, well perhaps he is, but a lot of people deal with it that way unfortunately at first. I'm just trying to be practical, which is coming surprisingly naturally for me considering I have generalized anxiety. I've also taken care of kids for years thankfully (not mine, but still I have the mommy instinct where when other people are freaking out my priority becomes letting them know there's nothing to be scared of and going from there :)

Also, as a note, it didn't occur to me til a few days ago but I've had for a few weeks on and off a rash on just my inner thighs, itchy and painful with some small blistering but I thought it was a heat/friction rash. Then, reading more about herpes and non-stereotypical OBs I realized I've also had fever on and off, swollen glands, and right before I got the rash the first time I had weird shooting pains in my upper legs. Hmm. Still could be a heat rash/coincidental and I'm just fighting off something from work (customer service: high contact with people). No genital or facial sores, just inner thighs but it has me wondering. Still, since the rash has been there for a while would it be useless to go in and get it swabbed?

My friend has been staying in my house/bed a few nights a week and we cuddle with underwear, chances of spreading I've heard are unlikely that way but I also have a lot of broken skin around there (new kittens have taken to jumping up and clawing my thighs as a way of saying hi).

Next time it comes out, you news to go have it swabbed w in 48hrs of it. Take a blood test as well 3-4 months post first symptoms.

@justaperson

I agree with @2legit2quit - odds are pointing to him already having HSV1 orally and that he passed it to her via oral sex. Get him to get blood tested ASAP - if he's the carrier it will come up positive. If it's negative, he was not the one that gave it to her. But the time frame is pointing at him....

80% of people have HSV1 orally

80% of them are asymptomatic and don't know they have it

50% of all new cases of genital HSV is HSV1 from oral sex

60% of all young people have H1 orally by the time they are young adults

So it's not his fault that he *might* have passed it to her.... it's just an unfortunate circumstance thanks to the CDC's policy of not testing and not telling/educating. And he needs to know all this.

You will be fine cuddling with him. And for now, I'd say proceed with caution till you figure out if he's carrying it. Have you tried the Female condom? It won't affect his performance at all http://tinyurl.com/FC2-condom It may be a good option for you, and if you have oral, until you figure out if he has it orally, possibly a dental dam (Saran Wrap will do).

And perhaps these discussions will help you to find other ways to get your freak on. Once you know if/what he has, then we can help you with figuring out how to protect yourself.

Many people are with those with H and never get it. Knowledge is power, so once you know what you are dealing with, we can help you more.... and get your friend on here... we can help him with any questions he has :)

((HUGS))

http://herpeslife.com/keeping-your-partner-herpes-free-can-be-super-sexy/

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/5807/list-the-ways-to-protect-my-partner-from-getting-herpes-hsv2 Safe alternatives to sex