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I want to have kids and a wife someday not sure what to do


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Before i begin let me apologize ahead of time for my grammar and punctuation. My story starts when i was 20 years old my girlfriend at the time decided to cheat on me multiple times and me being the idiot that i was took her back multiple times. We had been dating since i was a teenager and i thought i was in love. I caught herpes after she hooked up with some guy online apparently. The best way i guess i could describe the feeling was absolute horror and disbelief almost like you feel flush and your blood is draining from your body and you feel like you're going to faint. I of course finally ended it and tried to move on with my life. I started taking acyclovir and realized with a proper diet, rest, and antivirals i could at least live a life with few break outs. My break outs now come on about once every other month but with the antivirals it never gets too bad before it goes away. Dating for the last 9 years has been hit or miss i feel like im an attractive guy and i have things going for me but this is always in the back of my head. The last couple serious relationships i was in i fully disclosed the situation and they at the time seemed to be so in love that it didn't matter. When things weren't as great in the relationship though they would throw it in my face and say things like " at least im not a slut like you, at least i don't have herpes". I ended those relationships because the girls didn't seem to be as understanding as they originally made them selves appear. Even though things weren't perfect in life i tend to be an optimist and just kept carrying on. Well now im finally finishing up the medical program im in and want a wife, kids, a nice home the whole deal that comes with having a family. I simply don't know what to do. Yes there are dating sites for positive singles but i don't want to put my face on a site like that. This is a very private thing and it's not exactly something you want your family to know about. I'm 29 in good shape with a good job and i know i would be a great father and husband so i don't feel that this should be some huge task. Girls hit on me but i never take advantage of it because i know i will eventually have to tell them if we go to that level. I find my self pre-programmed to emotionally detach my self from someone before it gets to that point. If anyone has advice on dating, marriage, kids while having this disease id appreciate it. I guess i don't really even expect responses i just needed to vent i don't have anyone in my life i can even talk about this with.

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First - Hello and Welcome!!!

 

The last couple serious relationships i was in i fully disclosed the situation and they at the time seemed to be so in love that it didn't matter. When things weren't as great in the relationship though they would throw it in my face and say things like " at least im not a slut like you, at least i don't have herpes".

 

I tell people all the time that Herpes makes a GREAT Wingman... and while your experiences with those women was pretty shitty, Herpes did you a FAVOR; it showed you who they REALLY are before you became permanently attached to them through children. So be THANKFUL. Imagine having someone that bitchy that you have to deal with for 18+ years even if you have divorced because you had children together...

 

So - I have a bunch of links for you to read... and read all the Success Stories that you can. There are TONS of people in discordant relationships .... I've been in quite a few myself. If you are ever with anyone that throws H back in your face when they are upset, as they say... "There's your sign" ...... that they are a jerk and that you don't need that kind of negativity in your life. (And BTW, good for you for walking away from that crap!)

 

Once you read these links, if you need more support we are here for you, but hopefully you will see that the only thing that is holding you back from finding that girl is YOU and your fears of rejection. Remember - rejection is generally not about you... the other person is allowed their "deal breakers" and if they are ugly about it, that just shows you that THEY are ugly inside...and who needs that shit in their life?? :)

 

((HUGS))

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2886/herpes-yoga-and-self-love

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3439/tonight-is-my-night

@NSgreenville is one of our top male Success Stories on here .. along with our founder, @Adrial, who had the most gorgeous Gf who has the most beautiful soul (I've met her!).

 

More men on here who have discussed their experiences :)

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/1716/a-question-for-men-with-herpes

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/6071/lack-of-success-stories-of-men-disclosing-greater-difficulty-in-finding-partners

 

Realities about "Disclosures"

http://supporttruthanddialog.com/disclosure-its-not-just-about-herpes/

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/5915/dating-and-disclosing-with-herpes#latest

http://www.match.com/magazine/article/4010/I-Have-a-Secret-How-to-Reveal-It-To-Your-Date/

 

 

http://supporttruthanddialog.com/using-herpes-as-your-wingman/

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/5897/my-first-disclosure-story#latest Wingman example

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3309/successful-herpes-disclosure-but-not-for-the-reasons-you-might-think (Herpes Wingman example Mazedaze818 )

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/6347/my-disclosure-story 2 very different reactions … but both are “successful” in their own ways :)

Herpes as a relationship filter Adrial

 

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Sounds like your picker is off w these girls. I. Think you are spending too much focusing in a possible rejection that hasn't even happened yet, instead of living in the present. Stop focusing on that and making an assumption that you will get rejected. You have got to move past this fear and pay attention to what patterns you tend to have w the type of girls you've been picking in the past. If it want herpes, those girls would have found something equally as hurtful to throw back in your face. This isn't about herpes, this is about the girls you pick that's the problem, but you're blaming it in H. Women hardly find nice guys that have the full package and just because you have H, doesn't mean you're still not the full package... Get out there and stop living in fear!

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  • 4 months later...

New here and leaving a relationship with the guy who gave to me. Makes me feel as if I'll be alone forever... But did want to say that I hope you keep your head up and the first poster is correct. Seems like these girls weren't looking for the unconditional love type relationship. I'm almost 32 and struggling with the fact that I want kids too but yet now alone.

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You sound like a very self-aware dude. To even know that you emotionally detach shows a high level of emotional intelligence. The kind of woman who would love to be your wife and mother of your children would be the kind of woman who would see your vulnerability and fall in love with it, not shit on you and use it against you. Just because people treat you like shit doesn't mean you are shit. Snap out of it. :) You seem like a super sensitive, authentic dude (which is an awesome thing in this world of masks and puffing up chests), which can be a double-edged sword because this kind of emotional openness is what clears the way for DEEP love to happen while it also makes it hurt that much more that it's not here and makes you that much more susceptible to end-of-the-world thinking after each rejection. Level up the kind of women you're opening yourself to. Don't even get to the point of opening yourself up to women who won't treat you with the respect and compassion you deserve. Trust me, keep moving forward and don't give up. You're getting stronger just by going through all of this and surviving it. Quality women can see a quality man. And your integrity is strong. That's the sexiest thing to any woman. Integrity. Ask 'em. Don't give up. You're on the right path. There might be a sense that since it hurts so much you should turn around and numb out. But the gold is in continuing to move toward the fear of vulnerability. Courage isn't fearlessness. It's feeling the fear and continuing moving forward toward the things that you want and know deep down that you deserve. You sound like an awesome guy. Please don't let other people's opinions who don't actually know you make you reject yourself. You got this.

This content is for informational purposes only. This information does not constitute medical advice or diagnosis. I'm not a medical professional, so please take this as friendly peer support. 

Helpful resources:

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Take the H out of the equation. And think-would the relationship work?

 

Honestly, I don't think so. Throwing someone their insecurities or hardships as an excuse to leave them or hurt them is a sign of being immature.

 

The goal of being in a relationship or marriage is to built a life together. Share your life with someone. If you have a good thing going, you don't try to destroy it. Same thing with your career. If your career is great and you are happy, do you destroy it? NO.

 

I recently diagnosed and I thought a lot about this. I had many disfunctional relationships in the past. I was emotionally unavailable and most of the time, I picked the wrong guys. We broke up, I blamed myself for having commitment issues or other issues because I felt that I deserved the blame. I convinced myself the problem is me. Now I realized that the problem is I was picking a.sholes purposefully to avoid a connection. They were great until the point that they hurt me because that is what an immature person do. There is no blame on H in all of this. I didn't have the H that time.

 

If they blame you for having H, they are trying to find a way to weasel out of the the relationship. Or they are trying to make themselves stronger by hurting you. Those have nothing to do with the H. In this context, H is just the SUBJECT, not the PROBLEM.

 

Honestly, at this point if I find a guy who is mature and responsible and if I am convinced that we can built a life together, I would cheerish that relationship. I don't hurt the other person, why would I? I love him, hurting him basically means hurting myself.

 

All in all, like I said H is not the problem here. It is a tool that the the other person used to leave you. H isn't the source of your relationship problems, it is just the buffer which is used to hide real problems. Because admitting you are bored in the relationship or you don't want it anymore is hard, you are taking responsibility. So they used the H as an easy way out in which they have no guilt.

 

Real love is hard to find with or without H. You are just unlucky or picking the wrong person. Don't feel bad. It has no purpose. Live your life, be happy and sooner or later you are gonna find the one.

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Also, I am enraged by this comment. " at least im not a slut like you, at least i don't have herpes". What is that even mean? Do you have many sexual partners in the past? Good for you - at least now, you know your body better and how to treat your partners. Do you lack some moral compass? I don't think so, you are taking responsibility for your actions. Did God or other divine entity punish you for sleeping someone - give you herpes as a part of your punishment? I don't think so. 6 billion people in the planet and God hand picked you to have this disease to punish you, right? Come on my friend.

 

It was just bad luck. Actually it wasn't the bad luck, you were just on the left side of the distribution. It is Math. It can happen to anybody. That has nothing to do with being a slut. If you are a slut - no judgement, like I said good for you. You had desires and acted on it. So what?

 

Honestly, in future if someone tells me that I am a slut and/or I deserve this disease, I won't get mad, I don't feel hurt. I just laugh. I figured, if they tell me such things, they show their true colours, their lack of understanding logic, how things work in life, their logically impaired judgement. It has nothing to do with me.

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Honestly, in future if someone tells me that I am a slut and/or I deserve this disease, I won't get mad, I don't feel hurt. I just laugh. I figured, if they tell me such things, they show their true colours, their lack of understanding logic, how things work in life, their logically impaired judgement. It has nothing to do with me.

 

@janedoe

 

YOU, my friend, just hit the nail on the head and have basically said what I say all the time. When people talk like that, they are doing you a FAVOR as they are showing you what an asshat they are. It's nothing to do with you! And that lets me get them out of my life before I waste time on their sorry, ignorant, judgemental, bullying asses... :)

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I think herpes is one of the smallest things people consider when they are getting married. The reason for this is that if you are making a life long commitment, it's just assumed that they aren't going to be dealing with rejection due to stigma anytime soon.

 

There are much bigger things that go into these decisions. I know of at least two marriages that happened despite herpes being present and known about before hand.

 

I think it's the same with LTRs to some extent.

 

The trick to the herpes game is to maximize all the other qualities of your life so that the herpes thing is just a tiny portion of what and who you are.

 

Look at Derek Jeter. Guy has slept with and probably given many of Hollywood's biggest actresses herpes. They ignored his herpes because he's Derek Jeter.

 

You don't even need to be famous like that. Get your game together and live the coolest life you can live and herpes will be much or an afterthought for any girls that are interested in you.

 

Remember, herpes is only as big a deal as you make it to be. If you put the focus on it as your defining thing, then that's what she's going to see. If you live your life without thinking about herpes, she'll take your example as proof of how little herpes actually matters.

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  • 5 months later...

I think as medical professionals it is even harder to accept that we got exposed... I am an ICU RN and I often deal with this silently because I am surrounded by people who are in successful marriages and havent been exposed to anything. I also happen to be a widow at 35yo. My 1st boyfriend on the market about 8 months ago, after a long marriage, exposed me. I know it's hard to disclose, especially because we assume that we are alone in the battle, but we aren`t. I haven't been able to put my face on a herpes + sight either, but I am getting use to the idea of maybe dating a known carrier, so I can stay antiviral free. I completely control this virus by diet and exercise, yoga and a rock solid support system. I have had one OB in 8m so the thought of antivirals for the rest of my life scares me. I think it is indeed ourselves that hold us back from a herpes sight because that is public acceptance of our exposure. At least pyschologically speaking that is my hold up. There is no turning around after you come out ;). As a RN, you give me hope that there might be a like minded person out there for me. My immediate assumption is " oh, a doc will never accept this or me," You reminded me that H is an equal opportunity virus. People just don't talk about it. ;). Fear not fellow medical person, many many people have been exposed. Even maybe the women who are flirting with you. Take a chance, hold on to your integrity and follow your heart.

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