The Ladies' Man's Disclosure Success Thread

I'm a guy with HSV-2 that is super-single. I'm not at a place in my life where I want to just hang out with any one particular girl, and I enjoy the company of multiple women.

I couldn't find much info out there for a man in my position, so I'm starting this thread for guys who have HSV and want to go out and have sex with a lot of different girls. Sometimes it will be a one night stand, other times it will be a relationship, threesomes, etc.

To kick things off.. I recently had my first "hook-up" disclosure success.

Here's how it worked- Girl I met off an online dating site met with me very briefly a few weeks ago.. enough time that she could see what I was about. We texted back and forth over the last few weeks.

Then she came to meet for a drink a couple nights ago. We go back to my house and things are escalating. We are touching each other in all the fun spots, and it's clear where it's going.

That's when I told her something like this "It's clear that this is escalating, so I got to tell you something. I have herpes. Before you freak out.."

At this point I knew she was already OK with it because she wasn't freaking out and was nodding her head like she didn't give a fuck. She's from a European country and I think they don't have as much stigma over this as we do.

I continued anyway and told her that I'm taking a pill that makes it almost impossible for her to get it, but it was already a green light.

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So, there you have it.. it is possible to have sex with a stranger, and to disclose in the heat of the moment, and have it be a success.

Efit: I didn't say impossible, but something like there's a very low chance. But it didn't matter because she was already ok with it.

Have you guys hooked up since then? Any communication or her suddenly feeling nervous about it?

Admiral of you to disclose to her. You did it and survived! I say admiral because the other day a male friend (casual sex partner) and I were talking about my herpes. He agreed undoubtly when I said men won't confess if they have a problem down there. Him being in the swing lifestyle and have seen people at their most intimate time, I tend to believe him. So many kudos to you, hippyherpy.

When people are in the heat of the moment pretty much saying stick it in me (lol), they will make rash decisions to satisfy that urge. Go unprotected, taking any type of risk. possibly regret it after. So is the timing fair? All personal preference. However, being told prior stops any blame. Fuel for thought.

Nah she's super chill. We used condoms sex, and she went down on me a couple times without. Good times.

Awesome

So glad to hear that you had a good experience with the disclosure. I do agree, we "prefer" that people disclose before the "heat of the moment" when the natural drugs (aka hormones) are in full force, but in the end, disclosure is disclosure and giving the person choice is what we are about.

As you have more and more success, you will find that the occasional flop with disclosure shouldn't bother you as much ... esp in your world where you are not investing your heart into the possibility of a relationship.... if that one fails, another will likely come along very soon ... and to be honest, H can even be your Wingman in casual relationships because the ones who run are likely not being honest with themselves about ALL the risks that come with casual relationships and if something else comes up they may turn into the "bat-shit-crazy" girl that haunts and stalks you...LOL

Well done friend :)

Had another successful in-the-heat-of-the-moment disclosure. Told this British girl I had it. Didn't get into stats but told her I take the pill for it and condoms etc. She was already down for some rogering and herpes disclosure didn't get in the way of it.

Herpes is making me screen a little more and I'm making the girls wait for it more.

Anyway, this is more proof to me that herpes isn't as big a deal socially as I thought it might have been. I'm a bit of germ phobe, so getting herpes was a big no-no before I got it. Now, I'm realizing that people don't care as much.. at least the last two girls I've hooked up with.

This british chick told me she had oral HSV1- cold sores. I told her she should disclose that ahahha.. she was like "whatever" or something.

She did go down on me. Maybe I got HSV 1 on my dick now. I'm actually surprised that I don't considering how many girls have gone down on me in my life and the stats being what they are.

@hippyherpy have you considered disclosing when not in the heat of the moment?

Yes I've done that already as well.

That's awesome! I think it's best before the heat of the moment, but if not, at least informing of the small risk is still a good idea, but I'm glad you're doing it to a point anyway.

I have a question based on how you used to feel about H before getting it, even though you slept w girls w it. I know you aren't looking for a relationship, but let's just say you were pre H w the previous perception you had on H; although you would still sleep w someone w H, would you actually been open to being in a relationship w a girl that had H?

My perceptions weren't totally accurate. I didn't really understand the risks. I also didn't understand what having herpes was like. And, I didn't know that a bunch of people who I'm close with have it and have been in relationships with people who have it for a while.

No, I would probably not do it back then. I was very paranoid about having an STD, but at the same time was going out fucking a lot of girls. My thinking was off on the equation.

Again, I'm a germaphobe. I know two guys who married women who had HSV 2 genital. I also know a woman who married a man who had it. They've all had unprotected sex with their partners and didn't get it from them. Again, I found most of this out after I got diagnosed.

The second girl I did it with who had HSV 2 told me her initial breakout was intense, but it subsided in the following years and now she doesn't get them. And she doesn't take valtrex but does hallucinogenics or something like that.

In some ways, having herpes is like having a tattoo that you regretted getting. You can't get rid of it, you don't like it, it's not really harmful (I know in your case you've had more issues than others), and, from what I've heard from a lot of people who have it, you eventually almost forget that you have it after a while (if you aren't getting a lot of outbreaks of course).

I hope I am like the one girl you speak of and eventually have like no symptoms.

If you were so paranoid about STDs, what made you still sleep w girls who told you they had H? Don't worry, not judging z I'm just trying to understand ways a man would think for my own future reference .

I got a lot of libidinous drive ;)

I love sex. It's essential, like eating or breathing.

I was paranoid but also they convinced me that it was safe. Also, those herpes girls were making it hard for me to say no, in a good way.

Well it appears you had no qualms w getting some tail, why not move on to someone who doesn'tdoesn't have it, if you were paranoid? Did they disclose in the heat of the moment and that's why it was hard to resist?

Yes they told me right before we did it.

Do you think if you weren't horny and they told you say at lunch, you would of still been down for it?

I don't know I never had that.

Good points. I too was paranoid of STDs prior to herpes. Thought the condom would protect me. But we know how that goes. Never had anyone disclose any type of problem below. Now ten months post DX, I'm a little more open to casual sex. (Not that I was ms pris) Maybe my thinking is well I already have it, condom protect against other stds. Even though I attended life style parties before (no intercourse) im finding myself gravitating towards the lifestyle now. People get tested every few months. Where as people who arent in it, rarely do. No symptoms, im clean thinking. My swing partner knows and we talk about herpes. He is H-. For me, even though the option is there, its not about multiple but more of the connection (friendship) for continous play (which doesn't have to be inter coarse) w same person. Also like how no one judges, being able express desire, being open, being sexy and lots of laughs. Maybe its a phase im going through. Lol of coarse having intimacy and great love making with a significant other is more intense, has meaning and leaving no comparison.

Basically comes down to comfort zone, inner values and honesty if casual sex is right for someone.

Well it appears you had no qualms w getting some tail, why not move on to someone who doesn'tdoesn't have it, if you were paranoid? Did they disclose in the heat of the moment and that's why it was hard to resist?

Yes they told me right before we did it.

@hippyherpy

So - with that thought... just would love for you to consider whether, given your experience, you may want to consider disclosing before the heat of the moment ... knowing the emotional stuff you have had to go through post-H-acquisition. Because I can tell you *most* women/people won't find us if they happen to be one of the unlucky ones ... and many will follow the path of self loathing and despair and not get as educated as you have strived to do.

I just walked away from a man who *finally* told me his truth ... only because I asked for it. And while I am disappointed in him for not telling me his truth (I made it clear from day one I want a relationship... he realized weeks ago that he's not wanting more than a sexual friendship, but didn't tell me till I asked) I am glad that he was honest when I asked.... but there are many women who would never ask, who would continue to give their bodies to a man who is not being honest ... and I can tell you, when you get to the truth, that feeling of dishonesty is FAR more painful than the realization of the truth if it's given to you at the beginning so that you can make a CLEAR HEADED choice to go further. I have chosen to stay with men who I knew were not where I was at in the past, and when it didn't work, I knew I had at least known the possible outcome, and that it just didn't work out the way I had hoped, and I accepted that it was totally on me for choosing to take that risk.

IMO disclosing ANYTHING when in the heat of the moment is kinda unfair because you know that the hormones are running the ship at that time. Just as you, as a germaphobe went forward, going against such a deep seated fear, proves that point ... So all I am asking is that you consider having that conversation a *little* bit earlier ...

And I think it's great that you are "Herpes is making me screen a little more and I'm making the girls wait for it more." ... I'm willing to bet that while you are not getting laid as much, you are having a better quality experience with the ones that you do go forward with :)

I'm doing my part by disclosing and taking meds and using condoms. That fear is part of the stigma as far as I'm concerned.

I had another heat of the moment disclosure over the weekend that resulted in sex, but was more bumpy (no pun intended ;) ).

I met yet another foreign girl. We are out drinking. We start gettin it on. I tell her and she's freaking out. It was very difficult to explain toner all the details about it, but I did.

She kept asking "why did you tell me that?" because she really wanted to have sex. Then she said needed a few more shots of tequila and that maybe we'd have sex.

She was all confused about what herpes is and thought asked me "what kind of herpes is it, syphyllus?"

I slowed things down and explained everything I could about it. That it was like having cold sores on genitals, not syphyllus etc. I told her that I take Valtrex and the risks with condoms etc.

We did take a huge break from making out to go over this stuff then we had sex.

I'm confident that I'm reducing the risk. And I wouldn't be having sex with her if I thought she had a significant chance of getting it from me. I let her know as much about it as I could.

Beyond the actual risk of transmission, a lot of this is about confidence- about how you feel about the situation. If you make it a big deal, then it becomes a big deal.

I don't make a bigger deal out of this than I have to, and if she's freaking out, then we can slow things down and talk about it or not have sex or whatever. I'll be fine with any outcome.

After all was said and done, she told me that she feels ver comfortable with me.

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By the way, the other two girls I've mentioned earlier in this thread- I'm still in touch with them, and neither has remorse about having sex with me.

So far, having herpes has actually made me more solid as far as all of this goes. There is great power in being able to disclose and show that you are cool with this thing that most people freak out over. If anything, it has helped me connect with the girls even more.

And yes, I am getting laid just as much if not more. It's just a different approach and having herpes has made tighten things up in a good way.

Well I'm glad you found your confidence in disclosure and aren't letting it get in the way. I just hate that she needed to get herself more drunk, in order to go through w it.. Not a good thing

Meh.. it's a little silly, but her choice. We hung out again and she seemed much more relaxed about it.

I think it's also because she doesn't like condoms.

Supposedly, a bush of pubes can help reduce transmission. Maybe all y'all herpettes should keep a plump bush down there if you are worried about passing it on.

Also, the part where the condom is protecting won't pass it on, right? So, technically if I don't go all the way in, and I'm wearing a condom, then the risk is reduced even more than if we are grinding, correct?

What if I touch my dick with my hand and then go to put on a condom with that hand? What is the risk at that point?

For example, if I touch my dick with the hand and then finger the girl- what's the risk?

What about washing the dick before sex- would that reduce risk?

Yes it reduces it if the part not covering the dick, doesn't come in contact. I think you're fine w putting on the condom after touching your dick and I'd saying washing it coukd T hurt, but your balls and public area would need washing too, as you can shed from there.