bewildered-wife diagnosed after 30 yr monogamous marriage

My wife's gyno diagnosed her with HV2 earlier this week. Aside from the physical pain, the thing that most hurt her is the Dr doesn't believe her when she told him she has only had sex with her husband for the last 30 years and that neither she nor I ever had an affair. I was a virgin when we married. She had 2 previous partners prior to our marriage.

We took/take our vows to each other and God very seriously.

So, needless to say, the news hit her (and me) like a 2x4 across the head. Can HV2 lay dormant for 30 years? I have not been tested yet--and her tests have not come back yet. We are hoping/praying the Dr's diagnosis is wrong. But if it is correct we have a lot of questions--

If I test negative, and her tests prove positive-- is it futile for us to think and try to prevent my getting it from her? ie is it just a matter of time? My primary thought right now is am I facing a question of "is HIV painful enough, for me to consider having a sexless marriage from here out?" We are both in our early 50s. Or, "if her passing it to me is inevitable, do we not even attempt to prevent it?"

It is possible that she can infect our grandchild whom she babysits 3-4 days/week just thru casual contact during an outbreak? (ie sharing a drink, food? changing the diapers? etc) I tend to think she is going overboard in thinking she can never share drink/food with me or anyone else ever again.

I have 110% confidence in her, and she in me, that however this may have been acquired, that it wasn't acquired during our engagement, dating, or marriage. But, I have concerns that her shame/guilt will prevent us from ever being as active as we want to be--and do the things we so enjoyed for 20 yrs-- like she'll never give/receive oral again.

For the men that have it, is it bad enough that if you had it to do over, would you abstain if you knew you were going to catch it, would you choose abstinence over sex+HV2?

Hey ggrib1924

I know this has to be such a confusing time. Let me assure you that it is absolutely possible she got it 30 years ago and it didn't reveal itself until now. Some people never show symptoms. So she hasn't gotten her results back yet? How is she sure it is HSV? What are her symptoms? Don't stress too much until you know her results. A visual diagnosis is not good enough. Doctors do misdiagnose sometimes. However, if it comes back +....trust me it is no biggie. You both have each other. Don't let a rash stop you from expressing your love physically :)

Let me say my opinion on whether or not to abstain from sex. I would say at this point, you two have been together for a very long time. It sounds like you don't plan on going anywhere. So abstaining from sex, I feel, is unnecessary. You love this woman and are married to her. When put into perspective, this is simply a rash. It can become painful for some but you are devoted to her. So if she does have HSV I would say continue to live your lives together the way you always have. You have been going strong this long. Why stop that? Also, if she comes back +, you should get tested too. It is quite possible that you too are an asymptomatic carrier. Then you both don't have to overthink precautions.

Her being paranoid about transmitting to your grandchild is totally normal. She is not a walking disease. It is impossible to give your grand baby herpes through changing a diaper! This is a phase your wife is going through. The more knowledge she gains the more the worry will pass. It takes a little time.

I admire your support through this whole thing and I hope that the results come back negative. We are here for you no matter what though. Stay strong.

-Anna

If her tests have not come back yet, 1. They can't diagnose visually 2. They can not be sure that is HSV 2 and they are making an assumption. I have seen on another forum a woman married 30yrs just like you two, who got genital HSV 1 from oral sex w her husband. I'm not sure if either of you have had cold sores and are aware you have it, as people can be asymptomatic, but 50% of new genital herpes cases are from oral sex.

That doctor is inappropriate and overstepping her boundaries and I recommend finding a new one . was it a GYNO or GP?

To answer your question, yes it can lay dormant and then come out during illness or change in life, such as menopause. Based on how long you two have been married, I'd assume at this point, she has gone through a change in life by now or is starting to.Dancer will respond and she's had HSV 2 for 35yrs and she has a client that had it come out after 30yrs as well and the husband tested negative. Most people are asymptomatic or symptoms so minimal, they don't recognize the signs.

We actually have someone on here as of recent, @bambina3 who got it 28yrs ago, turned out to be herpes and was just recently diagnosed. Outside of her first minor primary OB, it has been quiet all this time until recently, which is why she's recently been diagnosed and she herself is going through menopause, which is likely what made it pop up.

If you've had no symptoms at this point, then I wouldn't be too concerned about it. If after this primary OB, more occur, maybe getting on daily suppression will help and will help minimize transmission. It is possible to never pass it and no, for most people it isn't painful. I will say, it usually is more painful for females than males, because we have more delicate skin down there. None of my recurrents have hurt, just annoying.

Just because you've never showed symptoms, doesn't mean you didnt get it at this point already and could very well be asymptomatic. W that said, you very well could be negative as well. If you went 30yrs w out getting it, don't you think it's possible to go another 30 w out?

HSV 2, if it even is that, which there's still a 50% chance it's HSV 1, known as cold sores on the mouth, doesn't mean she's an infectious leper. HSV 2 doesn't spread by casual contact w other's and it doesn't travel from the genitals to the mouth. Now if either of you have HSV 1 in the mouth, then obviously precautions during symptoms, need to be taken w kissing and sharing drinks.

BTW, if this is a new infection, she will come up positive in the culture if she was swabbed and negative in the blood test. If she tests positive in the blood w a pretty high value, it's an established infection. If it's HSV 1 on her genitals, the blood test isn't much help to tell you if its located in the mouth or genitals, unless swabbed.

If someone has HSV 1 orally, we all take that risk when kissing or giving oral sex and she can't pass ghsv 1 to your mouth, because if it is HSV 1, you passed it to her through oral sex. . If she does have HSV 2, HSV 2 doesn't like the mouth and only about 1% of cases of oral herpes is from HSV 2 and that's usually in immune comprised patients.

When you love someone, it shouldn't matter if you get it after that many years of marriage and please hide from her, these types of questions you're asking in whether to be w her and risk infection, as it will devastate her further. You are feeding into the stigma of herpes. If you two stay together for the rest of your life and you have no plans to sleep w others, what does it matter if you get it? It's not like you are dating and have to disclose to others. Don't feed into the stigma of a rather harmless virus. Nobody stigmatizes cold sores and it's the same thing, but in a different location. That's not stigmatized, because you can't hide it from people, so therefore it can't be kept as a dirty little secret, which is one reason genital herpes is stigmatized.

Thanks for your comments and answers. They are very helpful.

Hey ggrib1924

I know this has to be such a confusing time. Let me assure you that it is absolutely possible she got it 30 years ago and it didn't reveal itself until now. Some people never show symptoms. So she hasn't gotten her results back yet? How is she sure it is HSV? What are her symptoms? Don't stress too much until you know her results. A visual diagnosis is not good enough. Doctors do misdiagnose sometimes. However, if it comes back +....trust me it is no biggie. You both have each other. Don't let a rash stop you from expressing your love physically :)

 

Let me say my opinion on whether or not to abstain from sex. I would say at this point, you two have been together for a very long time. It sounds like you don't plan on going anywhere. So abstaining from sex, I feel, is unnecessary. You love this woman and are married to her. When put into perspective, this is simply a rash. It can become painful for some but you are devoted to her. So if she does have HSV I would say continue to live your lives together the way you always have. You have been going strong this long. Why stop that? Also, if she comes back +, you should get tested too. It is quite possible that you too are an asymptomatic carrier. Then you both don't have to overthink precautions.

 

Her being paranoid about transmitting to your grandchild is totally normal. She is not a walking disease. It is impossible to give your grand baby herpes through changing a diaper! This is a phase your wife is going through. The more knowledge she gains the more the worry will pass. It takes a little time.

 

I admire your support through this whole thing and I hope that the results come back negative. We are here for you no matter what though. Stay strong.

-Anna

Definitely a confusing time. And yes, most definitely I am not going anywhere. I will definitely get tested. If we both are positive, am I right in thinking there'll be no need for precautions? (ie of course other than abstaining during outbreaks). Thanks so much for your comments and support.... very encouraging.

Yup, if you have symptoms, just best to abstain, so as not to cause further irritation. Good to know the sex life after this many yrs if marriage is still going strong. ;-) gives some of us hope

For the men that have it, is it bad enough that if you had it to do over, would you abstain if you knew you were going to catch it, would you choose abstinence over sex+HV2?

HELL no.. I had a particularly bad set of symptoms (other than the blisters) and I still think it would be crazy to consider abstinence. Then again, I'm in my 20s.. that's bound to affect the judgement. In my experience though, the blisters aren't painful at all, they appear on my mons so they don't cause problems when I urinate. It did knock my immune system for six though, probably combined with a few other unidentified viruses..

You've come this far, why stop now? From what you've said, you either survived 30 years (so the risk is minimal) or you already have it without knowing.

@ggrib1924

The simple answer is ... keep doing what you've been doing. Sure, she will need to learn what her triggers are and be more cautious .... but you got through 30 yrs and sounds like you either have not got it or you got it and you are also a silent carrier ... if it's the former, there's a good chance you won't get it as long as you avoid sex during OB's.... if it's the latter, then nothing changes at all... you can't get "more" herpes from her.

One thing I feel VERY strongly about: Time for your wife to get a new gyno ... that Dr was TOTALLY inappropriate ... AND obviously misinformed... but that reaction is totally unacceptable. What a JERK! ANYONE who knows anything about Herpes knows that 80% of the population that has it DOESN'T KNOW THEY HAVE IT ... and that many carry it forever without an OB... and some like your wife have a trigger (likely early menopause in her case) that sets it off. And yes, I've had a client who carried it for 30+ yrs before her first OB... I suggest that you print this out for the Dr and highlight the ares I have in the quote and tell them to get their sorry ass educated (Sorry but Dr's like this REALLY piss me off!).

http://www.cdc.gov/std/Herpes/STDFact-Herpes-detailed.htm

How do people get genital herpes?

Infections are transmitted through contact with lesions, mucosal surfaces, genital secretions, or oral secretions. HSV-1 and HSV-2 can also be shed from skin that looks normal. In persons with asymptomatic HSV-2 infections, genital HSV shedding occurs on 10% of days, and on most of those days the person has no signs or symptoms. [4] Generally, a person can only get HSV-2 infection during sexual contact with someone who has a genital HSV-2 infection. Transmission most commonly occurs from an infected partner who does not have a visible sore and may not know that he or she is infected. [5]

So did she have a swab that showed HSV2, or did the ignorant Dr tell you that was what it was via visual exam? Because if that is the issue, then it could well be HSV1 that she might have got from you if you carry it orally (like 80% of the population) ... or even that she may have got it in the past and it stayed latent... either way, it doesn't really matter but knowing sometimes helps with acceptance.

As for oral sex... no reason to stop now , except during OB's. H2 doesn't like the mouth (only 1% of all oral H is HSV2), so if it's that then you are pretty safe. If it's HSV1, odds are you already have it. Either way, it doesn't pass in that direction very easily. I'm posting a video below to help you with this.

And finally, use this as a time to find new and refreshing ways to get yer freak on when she's having OB's... honestly, you have the perfect excuse to find other ways to play .. it's one of the "Opportunities" of a H-diagnosis 😉

(((HUGS)))

Handouts + disclosure e-book:

https://www.herpesopportunity.com/lp/ebook

http://projectaccept.org/who-gets-hsv/

Herpes facts video

Oral Sex discussion Dr Leone

I recently read almost the same story as this when I hit Google, monogamous 30 year marriage...I struggle with my new hsv2 diagnosis....an old chart from decades ago strongly indicates I was in the er with hsv2, although back then i wasn't formally diagnosed with it. It boggles my mind as much as it does yours

Good luck with everything

Hugs!!

Ive been married since 1998 and was diagnosed with hsv2 through a swab test last Dec. I was horrified and am only now coming to terms with it. My husband swears he has been faithful and i have to trust that he was. My gp told me some inaccurate things so I spoke to an std nurse at the health unit. She was MUCH more informed. She told me that it is very possible to have it for years with no symptoms.

@cariboo did you take a blood test back then too? Also, has your husband been tested?

No, I didnt take a blood test, my outbreak was very mild, in fact i had only 2 very small blisters. The dr didnt think it was herpes. I had to almost demand that he swab. My husband hasnt been tested either. He went to the dr but the dr told him it didnt matter if he had it or not since we are married and wouldnt do it. He said if he didnt have it then he would be suspicious of me. So husband opted to forego the test. So we are sexless right now... but we have been for a couple years before this due to unrelated "issues" in the marriage.

Eek... That's a tough situation, sorry to hear. Maybe @wcsdancwr2010 coukd provide some insight on that, if you want some of course.

we are working on things. I wanted to share my story so the OP would see that there are others in the same situation of finding out about herpes after years of marriage.

Well that was very kind of you to share! Thanks for the input and I hope things go better in the future for you both.

Thank you :)

I still have a hard time buying into I've had this for decades and it's now rearing its ugly head...I know what they tell me, I know what I've read...it's mind boggling and I'm still not buying it...but...you can't go against medical records and my old records strongly indicated hsv2.

Again hugs and thanks for sharing !!!

Update-- my wifes test finally came back. She tested positive for H1--but not H2. :) The Dr was astounded because the outbreak was so bad and in the 'wrong area' for typical H-1 cases. I went to my family Dr to get tested-- but she told me there was no point given the situation and our history. I don't think her Dr apologized for his initial reaction, but it seemed he realized he was in the wrong and had to eat a little crow. She is still healing from her initial outbreak but is much better after 1 week. My concerns now are how often this will happen? and how her reaction and worry about spreading it to me or other family is going to affect our sex life and family dynamics. I guess time will tell. To all: thanks for all the supportive messages and info.

It is very wreckless of him to have made such a tasteless comment. There are plenty who have horrific primary obs from HSV 1. Clearly you must be an asymptomatic carrier orally if you've never had symptoms and this happened from performing oral sex on her. I hope that this has given her some sense of relief and not to feel so bad about herself. This is neither of your faults and shit just happenshappens sometimes to the best of us.

He also needs to take some continuing education classes, because he clearly is behind on the latest. 50% of new genital herpes cases are ghsv1 from oral sex.

We can't tell you how often she will have obs. Ghsv 1 is generally less active by half or more than half, than ghsv2 and same goes for the shedding rate. People's immune systems are as unique as their thumbprints, which is why nobody is an exact replica of another w symptoms. Too many different caveats. I highly recommend for the next 6 months to write down symptoms, sensations she may have, location of them and date along w possible triggers.. Stress, lack of sleep, alcohol, sex, etc.

She cannot spread her ghsv1 infection to your family members, but since you have oral HSV 1, you could potentially spread it to people whom you kiss on their mouths, if they don't already have it, which most do.

Gshv1 is harder to spread genital to genital. Obviously abstain during symptoms.

My concerns now are how often this will happen? and how her reaction and worry about spreading it to me or other family is going to affect our sex life and family dynamics.

First - glad you got the results... and sounds like it's time to change Dr's ... ;)

How often it will happen is anyone's guess, though HSV1 *generally* is better behaved than HSV2 in the genitals. Seeing as she likely got it from you from oral sex, odds are much lower that you will get it because you have the antibodies... just be really careful to abstain during obvious outbreaks.

A for the family, remind her she has it on her GENITALS ... so none of them should be coming in contact with it with her.now, YOU need to be careful about sloppy kisses and sharing drinks, but honestly, odds are high they will get it from some other kid before they are adults ... so don't over-sweat it :)

http://supporttruthanddialog.com/toilets-towels-and-touching-oh-my/