Husband gave me HSV1 genitally.

I'm really struggling because my husband and I have been together for 6 years. While I was pregnant we discovered that he gave me genital HSV1. I have known for about a year now. I thought I was over being angry about it, but now I fear that I have gotten it in my mouth/gum area. I'm afraid to kiss my daughter. Not only that but because I know that my husband gave this to me, because he had all the antigens already and I had not (he had never gotten tested for any STD's and he's a nurse). I have no sexual feelings for my husband anymore. I resent that he doesn't get any symptoms and I do. I feel frustrated because he thinks it is my responsibility as his wife to please him in this area. I told him last night that he needs to find other means of sexual satisfaction, even if that means sleeping with someone else. The rest of our marriage is great. I think he took offense to my proposal, but what am I supposed to do? If I don't satisfy him and don't want to I don't feel like he should go without, and I don't feel like I should have to feel like I am not being true to myself by having sex with him. It makes me feel dirty or like a whore. Any thoughts, advice, or similar stories are appreciated. I'm at a bit of a loss. Thanks.

@KatieLilady

Oh dear! You really are in a mess, aren't you?

First, you need some down home education.

** Your husband had HSV1 orally. That's known as Cold Sores to most people.

** 80% of the population has it.

** 60% of young people have it by the time they are young adults, acquired in childhood, often from other kids.

** 80% of people with Herpes don't know they have it.

** The CDC recommends that Herpes not be tested for with STD panels... so even if your husband had been tested it wouldn't have been included in the test.

** Most DOCTORS (non OBGYN) are terribly misinformed about Herpes, who has it, how to diagnose, how it's spread, etc.

So for you to blame him for all this, is really, truly unfair. Assuming you dated others (and possibly had sex with them) 8 out of 10 of them likely had Oral HSV1. You just plain got lucky until you didn't.

As for your child, as long as you both (including your hubby) are careful about not kissing her with an OB, and generally not having sustained wet "smooches" if you have any kind of sores on your mouth, and you don't share utensils/etc, you can REDUCE her possibility of getting it... because many of the kids around her will have it and she could easily get it from them. I got it at age 4... likely from a kid in my Sunday School or whatever.... again, 60% of young people have it by the time they are young adults ... it's just plain a fact of life.

Sounds to me like you need some counseling. You are harboring a lot of anger around this that really is unfair to him. Now, perhaps there are other issues you need to face that you are not being honest with him about. Maybe not. But you need guidance to understand that, honestly, this could have happened with ANY man you could have married.

Sure, if he was tested beforehand, you *might* have chosen to not marry him, but given the understanding that 80% of people have it, that would have mounted to relationship suicide because most men you would have been dating would have it.

I'm going to give you a little dose of tough love friend. You MARRIED him and YOU never asked him to get an STD test. It was YOUR responsibility to look after your body and health by insisting that he be tested before you had sex.

BTW, your situation is very, VERY normal.... most of us want to avoid that talk and/or trust the other to "do right" ... but even so, if he was tested for everything else, HSV1 and 2 wouldn't have been on that test ... as well as HPV (they can't test men for that yet) and likely not Chlamydia (they have only very recently developed a test for men for that). Bottom line is that having sex comes with the risk that *something* may go wrong (including unwanted pregnancy) ... We have even had virgins on here who got HSV1 genitally because they thought oral sex was a safe alternative to genital sex. My point above is that YOU need to also take responsibility for your situation.... AND, odds are if you had insisted on him having an STD test (Oh, and I assume YOU were tested before you had sex?) Herpes wouldn't have been on it (or yours) anyway.

Bottom line is, you just plain got unlucky, in part because the CDC chooses to not educate or test the public, and partly because it's just a crap shoot if we are going to enjoy sex that we *could* get something even if we take all the precautions.

I strongly suggest that you get counseling. The forum creator @Adrial is a FANTASTIC coach.... perhaps you should talk to him ... or get personal/marriage counseling. Because it really is unfair to expect him to just give up sex ... especially if that was something that you both enjoyed until you had your child. I wonder if part of this is Post Partum depression ... exacerbated by this situation.... and if you are going to have a sound marriage for your child to grow into, you owe it to your child to get help with letting this anger go.

(((HUGS)))

Handouts + disclosure e-book:

https://www.herpesopportunity.com/lp/ebook

http://projectaccept.org/who-gets-hsv/

Herpes facts video

Thanks! I appreciate your honesty.