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I have been diagnosed with genital herpes almost 10 years ago


Salex

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Here is my story:

 

I have been diagnosed with genital herpes almost 10 years ago. I don't know which type it is or how I got it because the person I was having sex with claimed that she did not have it. I have lived abstinent of sex, intimacy, relationships, and love for almost 10 years. I allowed myself to live in fear, shame, self hatred, and in hiding for years. I recently had protected sex with someone I care about but did not disclose myself until a month after we became intimate and continued to be intimate. The pain within me was intense. I forced myself to tell her. She felt angry, betrayed, disrespected and hurt. I apologized to her for all of the weight of what I have done to her. I explained to her the truth, what it is I'm living with, the facts about it, my history and the unacceptability of having sex with her without telling her that I am living with the parasite that causes herpes. I was so conflicted because I care for her as a person yet did not respect her as a person by being truthful from the beginning. People don't do that to people, friends don't do things such as that to friends.

 

After speaking with her she accepted my apology and forgave me and explained to me that she was not angry with my allowing the risk of her becoming infected with the parasite/virus, she was angry at the fact that I withheld the truth from her from the beginning. She decided that she doesn´t want to see me again. I spent years hiding from myself and denying my own truth. That life is over for me. My life is being lived with transparency, courage, truthfulness, fearless communication, trust, respect, honour, and love.

 

I care for the well being of people. Bringing pain unto someone in anyway is unacceptable and is painful to accept my decision to allow myself to abstain from telling her the truth about what I was living with. Using condoms every time does not justify my decision. It just expresses concern within hiding and fear.

 

I don't hate myself, but it hurts me immensely to know that I hurt my friend. She got tested for everything today. No one deserves to be lied to or treated inconsiderately. I'd rather live my life transparently within the truth of what I'm living in regardless if one accepts me or not than live in fear, hiding, and inconsideration to myself and others.

 

I will not be confined to this shit any longer. This shit that I've allowed to exist. I've decided to discard this shit, this fear, this shame, this denial, this depression, this sadness, this pain. I haven't given myself the gift of acceptance, transparency and freedom for many years. My life is only allowed to be such a way. I will only tolerate truthfulness and transparency within me and outside of me. No secrets.

 

I´ve accepted that I am not alone in this process. Still my decisions matter. To learn all I can about this parasite\virus, cleanse my body of the shit that supports it and do what it takes to cleanse my mind and my body of this thing as well as the debilitating habits that I´ve created along the years. It´s possible to be in a relationship with transparency and truthfulness.

 

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@Salex

 

Wow! I am so proud of you! Yes, you made a mistake ... and sadly you paid a price for it. But sometimes people come into our lives to bring us a lesson. Your friend helped you to break free from your self-imposed prison. Perhaps there was a "better" way that you could have dealt with things, but it sounds like you generally just couldn't believe you were worthy of love with Herpes (and BTW, Herpes is NOT a Parasite ... a parasite lives by taking nutrients at the host's expense. Herpes is a VIRUS which just lives within you). You did what sooo many do who, like you, just can't imagine someone loving you with what equates to a rash in an inconvenient place.... fear will make us do stupid things. The beautiful thing is that you did what you could to rectify the error and that you have grown and evolved from the experience. You have broken free of the bonds of self hate and self loathing. So ... bravo!

 

Perhaps, with time, you can build on the friendship with her. Rebuild trust. But perhaps her place with you is as a friend. Just see how that goes. One day at a time friend.

 

Thank you for sharing ... I'm going to switch this to the Herpes Veterans ... because I think it's good for people to see that even after all that time, you were able to change how you see yourself ... and that's a beautiful thing!

 

(((HUGS)))

 

 

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Thank you very much for your words @WCSDancer2010. That is exactly how I felt regarding not feeling worthy of love with herpes. I lived feeling that way since I realized I had contracted it. Such a painful way of living it was. Such a debilitating cycle. I accept that I am worthy of love. I am worthy of love living with herpes.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Thanks @ 2Legit2Quit it's a gradual process and such a new world now. Everything feels so expansive now and my challenge at the moment is redirecting the mental constructs that I've created that was fueled by fear into a mentality of acceptance compassion, and bravery.

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