My Story...choosing...to be happy :-)

Ok, so I stumbled upon this website quite by accident on you tube, while my son was taking a nap. I feel like I'm playing hooky from work, which I'm not because my son has some sort of coughing, fever increasing, snot producing mucussy disgustingness going on, but he was napping, and I didn't feel bad by surfing the net. That being said, this place is sweet, I'm so glad I found it :-).

So, there I was, having unprotected sex with a guy, Summer 2007. It was supposed to be fun, and it was, or so I thought. Then about a week later, coincidentally and chronologically convenient as my upcoming pap smear was scheduled for 2 days after my first herpes outbreak, I started to get sick and almost immediately started to have a tingly itchy uncomfortable feeling followed by what can be described as a searing hot iron stabbing me in the vagina with every step I took. Not the most pleasant feeling in the world, although I have given birth, so it could be worse ;-). So, I go to my doctor's appointment, after doing some google "i feel lucky" searches involving STDs, hoping that maybe just maybe, it wasn't herpes, but I had narrowed it down to that or.....well...there was no other "or" at that point. And as sort of a preface...my doctor is an older hippie type lady and I'm fairly certain she's a pot head (i'm not, but i'm cool with whatever--who the heck am I to judge, right?), I think she's great...well, we have a pretty good pt/dr relationship. And I don't have to see her much, cuz I'm relatively healthy, and although I have a lowish immune system, possible auto immune disorder (ra , ma, lupus) that could manifest itself at some point (different story), I don't go to the doc unless I really need to. The burning sensation and my yearly pap indicated to me that the visit was warranted.

So there I am at my duck bill appt (I call it this because well--the speculum--it looks like a duck bill). Legs in the stirrups, and since I have already given her the run down, she knows what she may (is) going to run into. She tells me to imagine myself on a beach drinking a margarita and to take a deep breath as she does the exam. Almost immediately, she confirms it, although says for a positive 100% dx, I have to wait for the labs. Full screen later, everything except for that one came back negative. At the end of this visit, she sends me on my way with my very first acyclovir mediction. Now I have celebrated lots of firsts---this wasn't something I wanted to celebrate, but that I did. I got smashed, probably the drunkest I have ever been in my life. I felt a bit sorry for myself. The next day, I put my big girl pants on and began the road to my own sort of recovery, learning a lot along the way about self worth, acceptance--both of my diagnosis and also that there are things out of my control, responsibility for my actions, and many other emotions that varied depending on the situation I was in.

So, I called the "guy" and said we needed to talk. He said ok, I'm busy--I will text u later. Later, he texts "so, uh, what do we need to talk about" (verbatim). I just asked him to come over, and he gets all sketchy, it was wierd, but he ended up coming by my house to talk. He immediately got defensive, hmmmm....and I was like hey, this is how it's transmitted, I'm not saying you did or didn't give it me, I just know that up to this point, I have had a pristine gynecological record and now it has a check mark. I am an adult, which is why I am having this conversation with you, apparently you want to act like a child, but just for the record....you should get checked. He sort of cooled down when I made it apparent that he was being a butthead....needless to say, that was the last time we talked. Small town, so I see him around once in awhile, but he always looks away quickly, while I carry my head high...because...well, because I don't feel ashamed anymore. That's where my road to recovery has brought me, acceptance and knowing that I have self worth. As for disclosure--well, first time was rough, second time easier, so on and so forth (the "speech" has gotten better with time)....but for sure, it has been easier to have sexual history and importance of STD testing talks with potential partners. I can say up to this point, no one has turned me down because of my herpes. I experience anxiety every time just waiting for that rejection though.

As for my life, well, I am a pretty optimistic, easy going laid back person. I have a tendency of using humor as a way to diffuse uncomfortable situations. Everything happens for a reason, and this is just another bump in life. I did experience several, insert: 9 out breaks in the first 8 months (freaking ouch)!!, which is due to my crappy immune system, so now, I take acyclovir twice a day now, and very rarely have an outbreak, and when I do it's short, and generally happens when I forget to take my medicine. Last time was a while back, my grandpa had passed away, so I was preoccupied and stressed, but other than that I have been good, and I have never given it to anyone to my knowledge. I say to my knowledge--cuz I am pretty sure that someone would have come back and told me if I had. lol

That's my story, the short version. Thanks for reading. You can go back to your regularly scheduled program now :-)

Readergurl,

I Loved (Capital "L") reading this!

I really like and celebrate your sense of humor and your attitude on life.

Now I want to go out and celebrate all of my accomplishments this year with my herpes experience. ;)

"The next day, I put my big girl pants on and began the road to my own sort of recovery, learning a lot along the way about self worth, acceptance--both of my diagnosis and also that there are things out of my control, responsibility for my actions, and many other emotions that varied depending on the situation I was in."

Cool. Very cool. You're cool.

I like you. You make me smile.

:) Thanks for your post.

-Katie

Love you story!!! It made me smile too...and its a great inspiration for everyone to put on their 'big girl pants' (Love it!). I think you are cool as well and so glad you posted.. this place is pretty sweet aye?! ;-)

And Cedar It's a great way to think of celebrating all our accomplishments with herpes...then we can get on with creating them! xx

Thank you both... :-) Janice x

I agree with Lelani & Katie/Cedar. I like your attitude. You're hella cool. Duh. ;) Glad you're a part of our heartfelt and funny community.

I also want to speak to something else that came up for me when reading your story. It's something that I can resonate with because I do it, too: Comedy as avoidance/coverup. So I say this not to be preachy, but to share with you my experience to see if it relates to you. I tend to use comedy to brush past what I'm actually feeling. When I actually allow myself to settle into whatever it is I might be avoiding through making jokes, I generally come to find that emotion I've actually been avoiding feeling: Sadness, anger, disappointment. I also say this hesitantly because I do believe laughter and enjoyment of life is the best medicine. AND there is a healthy balance between letting myself feel what is really there and making light of it through joking around. It's healthy to allow myself to feel it all, and it's made all the difference in the world. I feel a fuller sense of life when I accept myself in all of my feelings. Does that link up to your experience at all?

Thank you so much katie and janice...I try to keep my eye on the positive---I don't always win but I sure give it my best ;-)

Adrial, I definitely allow myself to have feelings, but, sometimes I have a bit of a blunted or brunt affect for a lot of stuff. I genuinely care about other people and their feelings, but sometimes I think before I act. I know a lot of it has to do with the way I grew up and how I was raised, I don't let a lot of people get close to me and that's something I have had to find acceptance with as well. I have and have had in the past, many close friend ships and relationships, it just takes a bit for my guard to go down. There's good and bad to it--good, you don't hurt as much when you are more vulnerable, but bad because you don't get to have additional benefits like more love, so to speak, in life in general. At this point, it's a part of me, and my personality. I do know there is a time and place for everything, and I can be serious when I need to be. I generally try to keep it light though, just out of habit. It's something I know about myself, so I am able to harness it to a point that I don't hurt other people's feeling. I don't really have much of a filter and sometimes I have to watch myself on that in how I communicate with other people. It certainly costed me more when I was younger, before I was able to realize it. I see a counselor once a month and it's one of the subjects we have talked about. Stuff in general, unless it affects me personally or someone I love, I don't generally care about. I empathize with stuff I hear on the news or read about, and every once in awhile, I cry when I watch a you tube video about someone who surprised a family member after coming home from iraq or other kodak like videos, lol, so I know I do have feelings and that I'm a genuinely caring person, I guess is the best way to put it. My attitude and feelings generally are kind of passive, I'm pretty laid back and easy to get along with. But on the flip side, it can be aggressive, if it somehow, like I said involves me or people I care about and I can almost be overly passionate about a subject or issue I care about. It's almost like it's one end of the spectrum one way and the other end another way, if that makes sense. I feel like I'm babbling at this point, haha. Although I don't mind talking about myself, I don't do it much. And I will tell anyone anything, I've never been good at lying, so I just tell the truth. Life is easier that way anyhow.

So, basically--back with my initial diagnosis, I am sure I probably did use comic relief to make it easier. I was angry, ashamed, disappointed,sad. I've felt all over the board when it comes to this one. Heck once I even felt happy because a fleeting thought said now you don't have to get close to anyone, and that was a relief sort of. Very fleeting, thank fully. I think everyone wants someone to love and someone to love them, even if it takes awhile. Hard to explain I guess. I hope that all makes sense :-)

I am so glad I read this today!! Thanks for sharing!!! I love your attitude and loved reading this you're a great writer. Felt like I was there. I had a similar reaction from "my giver". I hate the run in's I have with him. He still acts like a douche in total denial. But reading this made me feel like I shouldn't be feeling bad I should hold my head up high. I was forthright in telling him that's respectable. So glad you found us and shared this with us. Definitely needed this today.

Rock on, Readergurl. Thank you for your sincere expression here, and by the way I think we'd get along great. With all these cool women on this forum, I love this site more every time I visit.

Thank you so much dom, I'm glad it helped your day...thank you Atlantic, I'm glad you liked--as far as a story, not the best story to have be a part of your life but hey, not the worst either. I love this site too, looking through all the discussions, it's really great to see everyone helping out with kind words and support. Definitely a place I would have loved to have found a long time ago lol :-)

Hey I'm glad you found us :-) and I love how Adrial (gorgeous guy!) drew all that thought and emotion out of you ...is a privilege to read it and I get it. It all makes sense. A huge hug for you Readergurl..you have helped us too. xx

Thank you lelani, and you are welcome...not sure how but...i am glad to have been able to help you also...you are an extremely kind person and that deserves thanks in itself :-). And ya, hes ok looking ;) lol

It's always uplifting to witness someone's authenticity readergurl and your posts made me smile, and understand and I totally appreciate your honesty :-) x

Thank you lelani :)