The Bottom Line

I have been dating and now there is a relationship where I need to disclose my condition, because we are moving towards intimacy. My understanding is that to protect her 100% I need to use a condom or 90% use a drug like Valtrex which takes 7 - 9 days to become fully effective. I tested positive for HSV-2 and not HSV-1. I am resentful because I can't really feel sex with a condom (might as well be on an SSRI) and the drug option is something that chips away at your liver.

So the only option that I can see is date someone who is positive for HSV. Is my perception correct or flawed?

Thank you,

Scott

Hey Scott,

Congrats on a relationship getting to the point of disclosure! This is the time to get excited, not all worried. Moving towards intimacy means there's something important about this relationship. I'm happy for you, brother.

There is no 100% protection. Although taking daily suppressive therapy brings down the chances of transmission by 50-90% (depending on what study you read) and then if you wear a condom, that brings it down by another 50%. Also, knowing your prodrome symptoms and how your body gives you signals that the virus is waking up is important. Here's an article I just wrote yesterday on that, by the way: http://herpeslife.com/herpes-prodrome-symptoms/

Sidenote about condoms: It also depends on where your outbreaks occur. If the condom doesn't cover up the area where you usually get outbreaks and you're rubbing that part against your partner, the condom doesn't do much good.

And no, why would you segregate yourself to just dating someone with HSV? There are plenty of people out there who wouldn't throw you out simply because of a stigmatized skin condition. ;) Have you read the disclosure e-book yet? http://eepurl.com/b4IPP

Hi Adrial,

Thanks for reply. I have this need to categorize and compartmentalize the true options. I was hoping for an option that could provide a 100% guarantee to a prospective mate that they would never contract HSV from me. I was also hoping I could mimic a normal sexual relationship, without condoms or medication. That guarantee does not exist and in my mind, if that is true, it now shrinks the pool considerably of would be potential candidates. I believe and as I have read on these boards that there are people out there who do not understand the condition, or are fearful of it, they would disqualify you upon disclosure. True, maybe through education you might be able to seed a different response and reignite an opportunity with some of them. I understand that these people, could be viewed as judgmental, or ignorant and by having HSV this provides you an opportunity to hopefully attract people who are open minded. But that would be a smaller pool of candidates, and you will have to sort through the proverbial haystack to identify them. The bottom line is that there is no guarantee and your potential partner will most likely have to reconcile in their own minds that they risk being infected.

Yes, if you believe that to be the case, then it's a classic self-fulfilling prophecy. I haven't had any problems with women rejecting me because of herpes. And I know plenty of people out there who see past herpes as a limitation in their life. My last relationship was 3.5 years and she didn't contract the virus. We didn't use protection, but I was on daily suppressive therapy. But the real point here is, what is worth someone taking a chance of possibly contracting herpes? You are. And if you don't think you are, then get to know yourself as someone who actually is. Then herpes isn't the big, cold stone wall that you're making it out to be right now. It's ultimately your choice. And yes, it will require you to be vulnerable, to take a chance. I'm not here to convince you one way or the other, but I am here to show you there are many more options than you are giving yourself credit for right now.