New Wife discloses Herpes ... Infidelity?

My new wife of 1 year just returned from her doctor and told me that she has been diagnosed with Genital Herpes. She presented the attitude of not being overly concerned and has been prescribed Valtrex. I am now concerned that she was unfaithful and contracted the herpes from a previous acquaintance of hers thru an affair I believe she may have had with him.

I have had suspicions that she has been unfaithful, recently during a business trip that I took a few months ago. My concerns then prompted me to start monitoring some of my spouses activities on her phone. Earlier in the week her phone’s GPS showed her being parked in the outskirts of a large parking lot for a couple of hours one afternoon after work. I found that regular phone calls have been occurring between her and an old acquaintance of hers as well, with conversations sometimes lasting an hour. I know her old acquaintance and do not know if she had dated him in the past. I do know he is somewhat of a DOG, exhibiting an extensive promiscuous behavior with many other women, which he revealed to me during a discussion we had before I married my spouse.

When I confronted my spouse with the history of calls to her old acquaintance, the GPS data, and my suspicions, especially with the revelation of her new diagnosis with Herpes, she adamantly denied any infidelity, especially about any meeting between her and her old acquaintance occurring in the outskirts of a large parking lot, which her GPS had plotted. . She had no explanation as to why her phone GPS placed her in the awkward location of the parking lot, I now have the belief that she was exposed to herpes during this parking lot meeting, and had an outbreak a few days later, prompting her to seek medical attention Immediately after this discussion she told me she would cut of contact with her old acquaintance.

I did not rule out the possibility that I may have had Herpes, with never and outbreak, and had possibly passed it along to her. I visited my doctor, whom has seen me for over 10 years and had an examination, and some blood test, all of which showed no indications of me having any Herpes outbreak ,

I would have never believed that my new spouse would cheat on me, but with the recent events, there are strong doubts. We recently had a few disagreements in the past few month, and I felt something was not right in the marriage after those disagreements. I was always told to trust your gut instinct in these matters. The bottom line is that I believe the disagreements we had in the past months have prompted her to rethink our marriage, possibly stray outside of the marriage with an old acquaintance, and accidently contract herpes from her acquaintance unknowingly. I know that there is no evidence that he has herpes, but I am at a point to confront him with my concerns and question him as to if he has herpes.

I also understand, that through reading about genital herpes, that one can acquire the virus and never have an outbreak, with the virus remaining dormant in the body for years. I have never experience this issue with any women I have had a relationship with .

Any advice would be greatly appreciated

@Spouse3

First of all.... the big issue here isn't herpes, its the lack of trust and honesty in your marriage. If she doesn't want to come clean about her actions, there isn't much you can do other than go with your gut! If you did get herpes from her you will be OK! I would get yourself tested (knowing that it may take up to 4 months for it to show on a blood test). I would discourage you from confronting the alleged "other man". He doesn't sound like he would come clean about sleeping with your wife is he was and he certainly wouldn't come clean about having herpes! (he may also not know he has it).

You need to have a conversation with your wife and decide between the two of you whether you want to continue to be married. Without trust and communication, your relationship won't survive. Herpes may have been the BIG red flag you needed.... read the signs and take care of YOU.

If you do end up getting a positive result on herpes, you have this site and forum to help you through the process :)

Very trying times for you both indeed.

Perhaps it's just all bad timing and making the correlation between herpes and possible infidelity is premature which is not fair to her. As a women who was in your wife's shoes, (boyfriend of 4 yrs accused me of cheating and left when my herpes decided to come out of dormancy). I can tell you accusing her at such a time is very hurtful. Being diagnosed with herpes is not easy to digest and being rejected from someone who you love simultaneously just amplifies the emotional pain, if not cause more distress.

Sounds like you are forcing her to take accountability for something that may or may not be true to satisfy your suspicion. Selfish on your part. If she did have an affair, she will come clean when she is ready. When I was married, my husband cheated on me numerous times. Through marriage counseling I learned it takes two for one to have an affair. In other words, just because she (may) have cheated on you doesn't mean 100% of the blame goes on her. Yea it seems unreasonable to us. But think about this; For a person to cheat they have to feel their needs at not being met at home. From simply desiring more attention, communication, out of the ordinary love making, feeling their opinion matters to wanting someone to cater to them. Yes there are exceptions to this scenario. You sound like a wise man. So before the explosion, take a step back, show your manly side by giving her support and if marriage counseling is needed so be it.

Far as the gps tracking her. Many times I have left my car parked in a parking lot when meeting my girlfriend because it's easier than driving to her home and we take her car.

Hope things work out for you both.

I agree with fitgirl..... Herpes is the least of your problems. There seems to be some huge trust issues in your marriage. I would start there.

And I 1000000% disagree that it "takes two to cheat". If it IS true about the cheating, please don't blame yourself for someone else's actions.

@Spouse3

First - Hello and Welcome! Glad you found us and kudos to you for sharing your story and asking for advice from the people who live with H. You've already had some varied opinions (and we all have them based on our life experiences and culture) ... and in the end, you will have to take it all in and figure out what fits best for YOUR situation. So here's *my* take ...

First, I totally agree that Herpes is the least of your concerns... BUT ... it has given you the push you needed to start to act on your concerns. But the facts of Herpes are that yes, she *could* have carried it for quite some time and not known - OR - known and been told she didn't have to tell anyone as long as she doesn't have sex during an OB (many Dr's are Waaay behind medical knowledge) and finally learned that she *could* pass it on and needed to tell you (which might also explain why she was so calm about it) - OR - even known and not told you for fear of losing you - OR - she just got it from an affair. Note: There's a LOT of possibilites of what is going on here.

So - was she diagnosed via swab or blood test or both? If she has a positive blood test, then odds are she's had it at least 4 months. That would tell you a LOT. So, I suggest that you find out if she had a blood test or not ... and also, see if you can find out whether it's H1 or H2 ... that might help explain some things too (HSV1 often goes dormant much more easily than H2).

My *suggestion* is that if you want this marriage to work, that you sit down with her, TELL her that (because there is *some* truth in the "it takes 2 for one to have an affair" because as @StillMeButWiser said, when one is feeling unloved/unappreciated/alone/whatever, they may turn to someone who will fulfill that need ... and that is a DEEP HUMAN NEED) ... and there will be those like this guy you mention who take advantage of people who are in a fragile place like that. She needs to know without a doubt that YOU are committed to working things out....

Before you sit down with her, take a real good look at who YOU have been in the last year ... and be prepared to take responsibility for any part you may have had in all this. I'm speaking from the voice of experience here ... I had a guy who broke up with me and I was all over what a jerk he had been to leave until a friend of mine said to me "Who were you being that he didn't want to be with you any more?" WOW ... it was like a glass of cold water was thrown over me... and I had to admit I was in a full menopausal hormonal crazy place where I had gotten VERY needy and clingy and he couldn't cope with that... when I OWNED that a lot of the pain went away and I started to work on learning to see who *I* was being in EVERY situation so I could own anything that I did to compromise things. It's been an eye-opening but life changing way to live... and if you want to save your marriage, this may be the biggest thing you can do to help to make it happen. If your wife sees you being vulnerable and owning your part, she may be able to take down her "protective walls" and open up to you about what has happened ....

If you get that far, sounds like you will need professional help to work through what got you to this point and how you can both heal and learn to trust again. And if that happens, you CAN have a 99% "normal" (whatever that means to YOU) sex life with the occasional excuse (ie, OB) to force you to find other ways to get yer freak on together... and that's really not a bad thing ;)

Good luck.... and keep us posted. We're cheering you on over here for this to work out in a way that brings you peace and closure whatever the outcome.

(((HUGS)))

I have to say..... I have always believed this: cheating does not make you a bad person. People cheat for different reasons. BUT.... I also believe that if a person cheats (regardless of the reason, THEY CHOOSE TO DO SO) I have never believed (whether I am the cheater or cheated upon) that I was somehow to blame for why someone cheated on me. Nor do I place blame on a person I have cheated on. I am a FIRM believer in taking responsibility for my actions. I would never blame a man for not giving me what I needed to justify cheating. If I was unhappy, I should leave him then get my groove on. I have been in all of these scenarios to some degree.... the one who cheated, the one who was cheated on. I have always taken the position that if a man cheated on me, it was his choice to do so and I wasn't going to change or control that. And if I was the one to cheat (which I have in my youth) I didn't blame the man.... I took full responsibility for the choice and consequences. I don't believe in blame. Herpes or not, we all have to own our choices in life. I don't blame anyone for my destiny, I own my choices and their outcome.

Three thumbs up to you @fitgirl you sound just like me!!! By the way....love the user name.....I'm pretty fit myself lol

Women tend always be looking for the next best thing. When a woman cheats, it's usually different from when a man cheats. A man might go let off some steam because men have it in their biology to go spread the seed. In fact, it's probably good for him to do that so long as he isn't cheating on her emotionally or going off with another women. Most of the time he isn't.

When a woman cheats, she's cheating with her heart, and tats a sign tat there is some deep issue with the relationship. Cheating women are more likely to leave the man.. most divorces are initiated by women.

I'd bet she's lying about not knowing why her phone gps was where it was. If she's cheating, get her out of your life asap or unbeknownst to you, you might end up raising some other guy's child.

Here is the red flag for why she might be cheating:

Ask her if she had a breakout. If she says "no" than that means she specifically asked the doctor for the herpes test. Now, why would she be asking for a herpes test if she didn't think she had come in to contact with it? The herpes test is not usually given when one asks for an STD test. Also, why was she getting test for STDs at all if you are married?

If she says "yes" then you have to think about why she's all of a sudden having a herpes outbreak. Emotional stress? If it had been dormant for many years, then why is coming out now? From what I know, most herpes outbreaks happen soon after infection. So it could be a sign that she came in contact with it recently.

She said she's got genital HSV2, right?

How was this woman when you married her, and what was her life like when she was younger? Was she a party girl? Girls who party and have a lot of casual sex when they are younger can have trouble settling with one guy, even when they get older and think they are ready for settling. They still might have fantasies of the party girl days when they were banging lots of sexy dudes.

Keep your mind clear, and I wouldn't have sex with her until I got all this stuff worked out. Also, get tested for herpes and make sure your doctor specifically tests for it.

Did you do a pre-nup?

@hippyherpy

This was over a year ago... don't know if @Spouse3 is still with us.....