I see you taking your blue pill as an act of love for me

By far, the hardest part of having h for me is the potential of hurting my boyfriend. I love him so much, and the thought that he could get this from me still kills me (we've been together/I've known for 8 months).

 

He tries to reassure me all of the time that he knows the risks (thanks to this site! especially this video:

) and that he's ok with them, but still the thought of hurting him bothers me immensely.

 

I voluntarily take an anti-viral everyday to reduce his chances of contracting it. Every time he's with me and I have to take it, it saddens me deeply. So one day I talked to him about it and told him that it's a reminder to me that I could hurt him. He said something that really helped at that moment. He said something like, "I see you taking the pill as an act of love for me. You don't have to take it, it doesn't do you any good to take it, you pay for it each month. You do this all out of love for me."

 

I can't tell you how much that helped. Has it killed all of my sadness surrounding the subject? Nope, but it definitely helped that aspect.

 

How do you all cope with this? I'd love to hear your thoughts.

Kind of going thru the same thing.

 

Me and my partner won't be long term and I get really nervous about transmission before and after. During not so much lol.

 

But just yesterday I told him I don't want him to regret being with me bc now everything's good it's easy to say hey....lets risk it. But one day we may be unlucky. And he told me to stop worrying about his regrets. That helped me a bit. I am not responsible for his regrets or his risks etc. but of course I care for him and still don't want to transmit it. He slso told me when he looks at me and thinks of me he doesnt see the virus. This made me realize it was my issue I work on bc when I look at myself I do see the virus.

 

if I got typical lesions or symptoms I would be ok with asymptomatic shedding risk as its minimal but I don't even know when I have an ob.

 

The good thing is I am not stopping my life like I used to bc of the fear. But I still have to reconcile the fear after we see each other sexually.

 

I am hoping this goes away with time.

 

Your bf is a sweetheart.

 

So think on this:

 

Suppose you went with your BF in his car. You know that every time you get in a car you *might* get hurt or killed. But you trust him to do everything he can to protect you from harm while he's behind the wheel. Right?

 

So what is the difference? The ONLY difference is there is no stigma associated with driving a car.... EVEN IF you have already had an accident, most people will still trust you unless you are an alcoholic who drives drunk or whatever .... but as long as you are seen to be a responsible person who perhaps had some bad luck or maybe made an error of judgement and had that accident, people will still get in the car with you, right?

 

So try to see it that he TRUSTS you to do what you can to protect him AND he knows that a life well lived (and well LOVED!) means you will have to take many risks that may bring you physical OR emotional pain..... and the only way to avoid pain is to live in a bubble ... and who wants to live that way???

 

Your guy is CHOOSING to create a life that is WELL LIVED and WELL LOVED .... and YOU are the person who is helping him to fulfill that ...... how beautiful is that??????

@whitedaisies. Thanks! He is a sweetheart! And I like your boyfriend's comment too about you not being responsible for his regrets

@WCSDancer2010

 

Thank you so much! I really appreciate all of you do on the forums.

 

I think the difference between h and the riding in a car with someone analogy is a question of self-preservation. When you get in a car with someone they have a self-interest to drive safe so they don't hurt or kill themselves or their car. With h, there is no self-preservation element; you already have it and thus the risk to self isn't present (provided there was all of the other STD tests done).

 

I've been trying to think of another analogy where the person you put yourself in harm's way for has no self-preservation element, but am coming up blank. Any thoughts?

@WCSDancer2010

 

Thank you so much! I really appreciate all of you do on the forums.

 

I think the difference between h and the riding in a car with someone analogy is a question of self-preservation. When you get in a car with someone they have a self-interest to drive safe so they don't hurt or kill themselves or their car. With h, there is no self-preservation element; you already have it and thus the risk to self isn't present (provided there was all of the other STD tests done).

 

I've been trying to think of another analogy where the person you put yourself in harm's way for has no self-preservation element, but am coming up blank. Any thoughts?

 

Well, I can tell you that for those who HAVE passed H on to someone (and most happen to people who didn't even know they had Herpes) that living with the feelings of guilt of passing it on can affect some just as bad as if they injured a friend in an accident... and no driver would want to LIVE with that guilt and will hopefully take even more precautions when they have someone in the car.... I know *I* for one am more likely to pause/slow down when others are in the car with me ;)