In love with a man who has herpes

So let me preface this with the fact that I am totally, 100%, balls-to-the-wall, head-over-heels, batshyte crazy about my current boyfriend of 10 months. He is an amazing, caring, loving, funny, honest, and humble man. He is also living with herpes, and I am (currently) not.

Several months ago, a discussion came up where he essentially gave me the choice to leave him then in the interest of self-preservation. He said he wouldn't hold my decision to leave against me, because he understood how I might feel about the possibility of becoming infected. After giving the issue some thought, and doing a fair amount of research into how best to protect ourselves, and what the odds were of getting infected, I decided to follow my heart and stay with him. It was really a no-brainer given how much I love him, but I nevertheless feel that I made a well-informed decision.

However, he has had two outbreaks in the past several weeks, the second one starting this past Friday. When he sat down with me to discuss it, he said he no longer felt OK with the possibility of infecting me. He told me of the viral shedding that occurs even between outbreaks (I had already learned about this from my previous research), and that even flawless condom use wouldn't protect me completely. He insisted that if he infected me, and we ever broke up, that I would hate him for the rest of my life, and that he couldn't live with that. For the time being, at least, things are on hold while he does some soul searching.

So here I sit, feeling heartbroken and powerless. So what can I do? When we discus this again, what can I say to help him make the best decision for him? For us? I suppose what I need to hear is what other mixed status couples' experiences have been, and also what options lie before us to help put both of our minds at ease about the possibility of infection.

If you made it this far, thank you for reading, and thank you all for being here. My boyfriend and I are in a dark place right now, and I don't know where else to turn to for help.

Hi @cpdx, first of all, thanks for taking the time to educate yourself and making an informed decision before you pursued the relationship. So many of us are terrified of rejection because of the stigma associated to herpes, and your decision is a reminder that when someone really cares, herpes will never get in the way. Also, I am sorry to hear that you guys are having a rough time right now. Having physical symptoms can certainly affect ones mood and outlook, so give him the time and space he needs right now to just get through this.

Although you have openly accepted the chance of contracting it, he is the one having the trouble accepting the risk. I think some people have an easier time with this than others. Knowing that you are both doing everything you can to protect each other is all that is guaranteed. It sounds like you both really care about one another and it would be a shame to throw that away over 'what if'... the fact is there are no guarantees in life, risks are everywhere. That said, I don't think there is anything you can say to him to make him feel ok... that's going to be something he will have to come to terms with himself.

Have you guys considered counseling? Perhaps openly talking about this with specialist or therapist can help? @Adrial offers coaching, and I believe he is with an H- partner. It could help your bf put his mind at ease, to speak to someone who is actually living his situation. Also, encourage him to come on here for support. He shouldn't have to limit his life, or his love, because of this virus.

I wish I had more solace to offer you, but right now, it will really be up to him to find peace with the risk. And all you can do is be patient, supportive and compassionate as he mulls through everything. I really hope you guys make it through, keep us posted.

At times of outbreaks or physical symptoms, people with h can get more emotional than usual. It can be a hard time. Give him time for his ob to be over. It may just be a passing moment of sadness.

Seems like you are serious about him and he obviously cares for you, I think counselling or coaching would be a great idea.

Be there to support him whichever way he needs. Remind him of the stats again. If u use codoms and antivirals and avoid ob, the risk is about 2% to 3% a year. That's pretty minuscule.

Good luck

First, I'd like to agree and second @positivelybeautful's comments. Thanks for educating yourself and being open about it! That's inspiring to all of us!

I'm the person with herpes, my boyfriend does not have it, so I'd like to give some perspective from that point of view.

I love my boyfriend so much and, although he is well-educated and fine with the risks, I'm not necessarily. Maybe it'll get better as I adjust (I've known for 8 months now), but it bothers me because I don't want to hurt him. I know that sounds passe to say, but think about it from your boyfriend's perspective, he loves you and the thought that he may hurt you (even though you don't see it as "hurt") is killing him. The good news is, this means he really cares for you. The tougher part is getting him to see beyond that.

My boyfriend, when it comes up, tries to reassure me as best as he can, but it's still very difficult. I voluntarily take an anti-viral everyday to reduce his chances of contracting it. Every time he's with me and I have to take it, it hurts me. So one day I talked to him about it and told him that it's a reminder to me that I could hurt him. He said something that really helped at that moment. He said "I see you take the pill and I feel loved. You don't have to take it, it doesn't do you any good to take it, you pay for it each month. You do this all out of love for me."

I think, if you can find similar ways to express this to him, you'll be ok.

@cpdx

I want to echo the sentiments of all the others .... we really do appreciate those who do their research and make the choice to love their H+ partner. AND we appreciate that you have come here for help.

It's unfortunately VERY common for the H+ person to feel like they have to take ALL the burden of protecting their H- partner and most can't see that the H- person is an adult that has made an adult CHOICE to be with them knowing the risks. And it can be very hard to get them to accept that even when you point it out to them.

I agree with @PositivelyBeautiful - see if you can get him to do a session with you and @Adrial. Adrial has been with his H- partner for well over a year now and they are in crazy love, and I think they just moved in together. I think if your BF talks to another guy, then it may help him to get some perspective.

And you can let him know that when he's having an OB, that's a great excuse to find other ways to get yer freak on which can bring you closer too :)

http://herpeslife.com/keeping-your-partner-herpes-free-can-be-super-sexy/

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/5807/list-the-ways-to-protect-my-partner-from-getting-herpes-hsv2 Safe alternatives to sex

(((HUGS)))

And check this conversation out that @caterpillarmonarch started :)

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/6287/i-see-you-taking-your-blue-pill-as-an-act-of-love-for-me#latest

Thank you all so very much for your responses! It means a lot to me to hear from folks who have life experience with H, and how you deal with it in your relationships.

@PositivelyBeautiful - I agree that the 'what ifs' are what is driving this situation, and that is probably the hardest part for me to accept. Thank you for your advice on giving him space to mull this over on his own time!

@whitedaisies - I appreciate you giving the statistics on infection rates when both condoms and antivirals are used. It's comforting that there are proven methods to drastically minimize the risk of infection, and it helps to keep things in perspective.

@caterpillarmonarch - Thank you so much for sharing your viewpoint. I'm guilty of struggling to see the H+ side of this, and what you wrote really helped me to understand how my bf must be feeling. I'm sorry you're struggling in much the same way as my bf is, but it sounds like you have a great guy there!

@WCSDancer2010 - Last night, my bf said exactly what you stated: that he was having trouble delineating where his responsibility ended, and mine began. I definitely feel like he has taken on the lion's share of responsibility for my health, and it's beginning to weigh him down.

Again, thank you all for your kind words and support!

 

@WCSDancer2010 - Last night, my bf said exactly what you stated: that he was having trouble delineating where his responsibility ended, and mine began. I definitely feel like he has taken on the lion's share of responsibility for my health, and it's beginning to weigh him down.

See if you can get him on here .... it may really help him to see that not only is he FAR from alone, but that he can get support in helping him to learn to accept what is HIS, and where he really needs to let you be a "Big Girl" and make your own choices about what risks you are willing to take... ;)

(((HUGS)))