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I have herpes: How to become "stigma bulletproof"


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  • 3 weeks later...

My first real event after getting herpes was a big party and I'd had it for about a month and a half st that point. I rode w someone who had herpes as well and not long after getting to the party, did pur mutual friend make this herpes joke to a group of us. I laughed it off and looked at my friend to see how she handled it and she had looked to see how I handled it and I quickly changed the direction of the convo. I wish I had the "ballz" to own it that way.

 

I remember sitting at the house of someone I was dating I had not disclosed to yet (too soon) and was dreading the possibility the previews for that movie bad cops or whatever would come on w its tasteless herpes joke. (movie blew you know what too, serves them right) I hated that feeling and knew I'd feel humiliated deep inside and feared if he was going to male a herpes joke too.

 

It also brings up the concern for me, if someone would suddenly ask if I have anything, before I am ready to tell them. I mean, am I to lie at that point and say no, because I am not ready? I dread them laughing... I've read on here others who kept dating someone who kept making herpes jokes and stuck around w them and eventually disclosed... If someone is doing that, I immediately make the decision, they would not accept it and move on.

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It also brings up the concern for me, if someone would suddenly ask if I have anything, before I am ready to tell them. I mean, am I to lie at that point and say no, because I am not ready? I dread them laughing... I've read on here others who kept dating someone who kept making herpes jokes and stuck around w them and eventually disclosed... If someone is doing that, I immediately make the decision, they would not accept it and move on.

 

Most of the time, if you called someone out on it when they make a joke, THEY will feel really awkward because they are just making a joke. They don't have a "face" to put it to so it's just a joke, and when they realize that they may have hurt someone's feelings, they generally can't apologize enough, and that is a GREAT place to do some education with them. Now, if they laugh ... that is sooooo not about YOU ... it just shows you that THEY ARE AN ASSHOLE! Be thankful you learned that about them and move on!

 

Did you read this? I love her "favorite disclosure" :)

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/6292/great-read

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  • 6 months later...

People for the most part are ass holes! Realized that more after getting divorced and back into the dating scene again. You just have to realize that most aren't worth your time and being in the dating scene again for 5 years most men are just looking to get laid and not into developing a true relationship. So don't let anyone bring you down for what was given to you. So many think they are crap after finding out that they contracted herpes but actually it has made me stronger from the rejection I have received that you have to prove to me that you are worth my time anymore! I personally could care less about sex anymore until I meet someone I feel is worth giving myself to again. I know it is hard to have self respect after finding out you have contracted this but it really isn't as bad as it is made out to be and you are NOT a piece of crap! It is easy for me to say now, 5 years ago I was allowing myself to be used looking for someone to accept me feeling like a disease. I know it takes time to put your head around this but give yourself credit and don't let those make you feel like dirt. They may not have herpes but I guarantee they have other things about them that are just as demeaning like their bad attitude and thinking they are indestructible. I would rather have H and be a good person than not and be a total jerk! So give yourself some credit! This is a great site for feeling better about yourself and you may end up meeting the love of your life who has it also.

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Me too @bambina3. I'm having a hard time saying the word. I keep saying IT. I've only told my mom and one other friend up until now so far though.... I've had a couple of bad emotional days about it here recently. Im talking to someone now. We haven't even met yet and I keep going back and forth between "tell him now so he can just stop wasting his time and get it over with" and give yourself time and wait it out. I know it's just the stigma intimidating me. But it is a problem. It is a deal breaker for some ppl. No one WANTS this. I know everything I'm supposed to say to myself but sometimes it just doesn't help. Friends at work told a herpes joke the other day and i barely made it through the rest of the day. Sorry, this was supposed to be an uplifting discussion and I just ruined that lol.

Have you disclosed to anyone yet @bambina3?

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Here's the thing- there are a lot more pressing issues in life than herpes. Most stigma is based on misinformation and fear, like you said in the video. If you have herpes than you are one of something like a billion people who also have it.

 

I been with herpes for a couple months now.. it hasn't really gotten in my way too much. If anything it might be helping me in someways. not saying it's a good thing to have, but I think I'm growing more confident in general now that I have it whereas before I had it, I was scared of acquiring it.

 

 

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  • 8 months later...

People who "make fun" of herpes are not mature and I don't know who would want to be around them anyway. I would not take any joke personally, as it is them making an ass of themselves and has nothing to do with me. I think the real concern is being afraid of not being able to find anyone to have sex with because the risk can never be 0.

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@Bluebetty

 

Most people have *some* concern about *something* that they believe makes them "damaged goods" when we are dating. Bankruptcy/financial issues, age, sexual preferences, height, weight, job status, living conditions, whatever. Herpes just gave you a nice "easy" thing to label yourself with.

 

You'd be surprised how many people will have sex with you...in ALL age groups. I see it here all the time. @hippyherpy is a great case in that he has casual sex on a regular basis and he discloses before every encounter. I have plenty of other examples of casual sex stories, and if you need more "proof" you can read the Success Stories. In fact, most people report better relationships and even better sex after getting Herpes because they start making better CHOICES of partners!

 

A life well lived assumes risk... any potential partner who puts the risk before the relationship is likely more interested in getting INTO you, than getting into YOU ... and any casual sex partners *should* be aware of the risks of that lifestyle and should be THANKFUL for your honesty so that they can take appropriate precautions.

 

Think of it this way...

 

**I assume you drive a car

**and I assume if that is correct, you may occasionally drive your lover/BF/friends/family somewhere

**And you ALL know there is ALWAYS a risk of a car accident no matter how careful you are

**But you drive them anyway, right? Do you obsess day and night that you might injure/kill them every time they get in your car? I doubt it.

**Why is the possibility of passing on H any different? At least it won't kill them!!!

 

Think on it :)

 

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True - at least telling someone, and telling them that it is common and most people don't even know they have it - will wake them up to the fact that if they are having lots of casual partners they are putting themselves at risk. Even if no one is willing to take the risk, at least you contributed to educating people.

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@Bluebetty I agree somewhat, but there are some people who do not want to absorb that information and therefore are no better educated in the end. Some people are very comfortable with unknown risk (their own and other multiple partners) but can't tolerate known risk. It's a weird thing, but since encountering one of these people, at least I know what signs to look for so I know when it's time to stop trying to educate and just move on.

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@optimist Well there is that hope that the person got scared and will be more careful in the future but I see where you are coming from, there are some people who just have a death wish and are fine with keep playing Russian roulet, but if someone tells them they have something, they will run! But in my mind, I would NEVER invite anyone to take the risk of contracting HSV by comparing it to the risk of dying in a car accident or something. If the risk is >0, then they shouldn't do it.

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@Bluebetty - I personally do not include car accident statistics when disclosing, but I do allow people to make their own choices. And I don't see it as inviting people to contract herpes, I see it as informing someone of their risk specific to HSV. In most sexual situations, people are unaware of their risk of contracting HSV or any other number of things, so their choice is more about whether to be a sexually active human or a celibate human.

 

Half of my peers (single white women in their late 40s) have HSV2. IMO, it should not mean the end of our sex lives. Similarly, the vast majority of my peers have oral HSV1 and I would not encourage them to stop kissing or having oral sex. If a prospective partner does not want to take the risk of contracting it, that should be respected, but I'm also respectful of someone's decision concerning risk and the related cost/benefit if they choose to move forward.

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I don't understand how anyone can knowingly take the risk to live in this prison. Statistically, only about 1 in 5 people has it I think. The thing to do probably is join groups of other positive singles. Then you never have the experience of someone looking horrified and running away and giving you the brushoff.

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@Bluebetty If you are talking about HSV2, you are referring to a statistic that averages both genders and a wide range of ages (either 14-49 or 18-49, I'm not sure which). The number of infected people climbs with age and about twice as many women are infected as men. To illustrate what I was referring to in terms of 50% of my own personal demographic being infected, that is represented by the solid purple line in the chart on the left: http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3020161/figure/F1/ You can see that only 8% of 20-24 year old single white women are infected with HSV2, but that number climbs to 50% by age 45-49.

 

Speaking only for myself, I don't feel at all like I'm living in a prison. The last several people I've disclosed to have been completely accepting. In fact, I've never experienced someone looking horrified and giving me the brushoff. I did have one person tell me they were uncomfortable with the risk. We are now good friends who don't have sex.

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@Bluebetty - If this question is too personal, feel free to ignore it, but do you feel the same way about oral HSV1, that people with oral herpes should not be intimate with others who do not yet carry oral HSV1? I'm trying to understand whether your fear of transmitting the virus is related to the possibility that someone might develop symptoms that compromise their quality of life or whether it is more about someone contracting the virus and then feeling their quality of life is compromised due to a sense of obligation to disclose their status to new partners.

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@Optimist: Although I am negative for HSV1 I haven't been able to confirm that there is no way someone could get it from kissing me (although they assure me it's "Very rare"). It isn't symptoms that compromise your quality of life (although sure, getting symptoms would suck), it is being a carrier of an incurable virus (which could cause symptoms) -either HSV1 OR 2. Your quality of life is compromised in BOTH ways, by having to refrain from doing anything that may transmit it, AND, wishing you could have sex with someone you feel attracted to and having to tell them you can't. It's horrifying. But, again, it's not about feeling stigmatized, it's about not being able to live normally. If someone said to me, "hey, yeah, I'll risk getting that" I would be compelled to protect them from their naivety! lol Maybe it's the way I look at things, for example I would not feel any negative judgement towards a person who was a prostitute, a drug addict, is HIV positive etc. I don't take other people's "judgements" personally. So maybe I just don't belong on this thread.

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@Bluebetty I completely understand your desire to protect others. I was just trying to understand whether your concern is more about the possibility of someone developing bad symptoms or whether it's more about putting someone in a position of disclosing something that is highly stigmatized in our society. It sounds like you are concerned about both.

 

Just to add some context around risk of a potential partner contracting HSV1 or HSV2, you mentioned you and I are around the same age, so looking strictly at adults in their 40s, 93% are infected with HSV1, HSV2 or both (source: http://projectaccept.org/who-gets-hsv/). Most don't know they are infected.

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Actually if a person is in good health it seems to me that getting bad symptoms is rare, that in most cases they are pretty mild and don't last long (after the initial attack). So the concern really is, yes, impaired quality of life - not because of stigmatization but because no one wants to have to live dealing with this and not being able to have a normal sex life.

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@bluebetty, I don't think anyone wants to get any STD. Add in the fact it's not "curable" it makes it more difficult. I agree, there is that need to protect people from being naive. Even with precautions there risk will never be zero. I dislike the statistics for that matter. Saying 1% makes it sound like slim to none.. and what happens when they are that 1%?

 

That being said, herpes isn't what most people think it is. They think it's a horrible blister infested genital area. Prior to having herpes, I went completely by the images shown, and they aren't pretty! With education and disclosures, more people will realize that it's really not that bad. It's similar to oral HSV1 (which most people have no problem with), it's way more common than people realize, and a lot of our potential partners have already been exposed/carry it themselves.

 

This is going to sound awful, but that "free" sex you are talking about is the reason most of us are here. We didn't act responsibly sexually. We didn't drag our potential partners to the clinic and demand STDs testing (h included) and cool our heels until the results came back. (Which would only be accurate if both partners were celibate for >3months). So yes, now we have to disclose, but we focus so much on the disclosure we are forgetting that we are potentially opening ourselves up to getting something else. What do they possibly have?

 

So free sex is great, yeah, I miss that too.. but are you willing to take that risk now knowing the consequences? Add in the fact we are more likely to contract something else than those that don't have HSV, I'll be very focused on protection. And not just because I have something they might get, but because I know that many people are not aware of what they have- and I realize they are a risk to me also. It goes both ways. Just food for thought.

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