New to this: boyfriend has HSV-2

Hello all. Here in hopes of finding some support.

About a month after we started sleeping together, my boyfriend found out he had HSV-2. He got tested because an ex girlfriend called to tell him she just found out she had it; he had never had symptoms. He later told me that once, about two years ago, he had an itchy tingly bump on his butt that he now thinks might have been an initial outbreak, but it was so mild that at the time he thought it was a bug bite or a pimple, so we’re unsure if he’s ever had symptoms.

He was too afraid to tell me for about a month after that, but eventually he did; I was pretty upset because we’d still been having sex while he knew, but I got tested after a few weeks, and I was negative. It took a while, but we stayed together and eventually (after a lot of research and conversations with my doctor) I became comfortable having sex with him again. He is on viral inhibitors and we use condoms. I understand that given our circumstances, the chance of transmission is very low. We’re open about it with each other, but I know he feels ashamed of it, and he won’t talk to anyone but me about it. He feels very angry about the stigma society places on herpes, maintains that it’s not a big deal, and refuses to “be defined” by it. He often says that he wishes his ex had never even told him.

I’m usually fine with it. Of course, I don’t want any virus if I can avoid it, but I think of it now along the lines of the chicken pox. Common, annoying, and usually not serious; I feel the only real difference between the two diseases is the way society perceives them. But I can’t help feeling a lot of anxiety about it occasionally. If I feel something itch anywhere near my groin, I get nervous. We’re young, and have been together less than a year, and I worry that if things don’t work out for whatever reason, I might be in his position very soon; afraid that someone I really like will leave me for having what’s really just a skin condition. Yesterday I burst into tears, having spent most of the day obsessing over a tingly feeling in my butt. I feel like I can’t talk to him about my anxiety because he’s still coming to terms with herpes as a part of his life. I’ve decided that there’s really no point in getting tested again while we’re still sleeping together, but the anxiety of not knowing is really wearing on me. I just don't know if this is worth it.

Any advice from someone who’s been in a similar situation, or seen it from the perspective of my boyfriend would really be appreciated.

Sorry for the incredible length of this post; I guess there’s been a lot on my mind. Thanks in advance…

LS

Welcome LS,

I have Herpes type 2 and my girlfriend doesn't I know that she has her concerns and such similar to you. Luckily when she met me I had known for 2 years and had come to grips with a lot of things. Its one of those things that I can tell now when I'm about to have an outbreak or that moment when my body might fight it off. I take care of myself much more now as well.

Here is my advice to you. If you feel uncomfortable about the chance you may get it and then be in a compromising spot down the road, pump the breaks and lay off the physical side of your relationship. Grow and discover the other aspects of your relationship. Its also a great way to find out if the relationship has any staying power (this I know all too well)

But about your boyfriend being mad or angry. 100% understandable. Honestly, if he wasn't upset wouldn't that be weird? I would talk to him about your concerns, open up to him and explain the concerns you have. Let him be safe in his vulnerability. Often times we even push aside our own struggles to help loved ones who are in need. It could be a great moment for him to provide that for you and allow him to "be a man"

The key right now for you guys is communication. Don't be quite for the sake of keeping the peace. Silence is the death of a relationship. Even if what you say hurts its better to be honest with each other. Best of luck and if you want to read my ongoing post its been a wild ride for myself and my girl since we started dating almost a year a go. Best of luck and dont hesitate to reach out to us here.

Nick

The one thing I've learned through both a divorce, and my diagnosis of H, is this: Don't make up someone's mind for them or predict how they will act.

I agree with the post above 100% - communicate, but do it clearly. Be real with your concerns, but make space to allow you 'both' to work together to address them.

I have HSV-1 - unknown origin, and no OBs so no clue where it even is. I'm also in a relationship with a H- partner. I can tell you that every time we have a discussion about it, the end result has -always- been that we feel closer to each other. Only good can come from talking about it :)

@Davola

Hello and Welcome!

I also agree with the above - communicate, communicate, communicate!

AND ... as far as your BF's reaction - it's VERY normal.... we see it on here every single day. See if you can get him on here ... let him know we are a GREAT place for him to rant and get his frustrations out. We've all been there. And coming here will help him to not feel so alone.

As for your fears: If he's on antivirals and you are using condoms, you are pretty damned safe ... your risk would be FAR higher if you were out dating and just assumed that your partner *knew* their status ... even using condoms ...

Check out these links ... they may help you to get a little perspective on things :)

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/6257/so-really-you-don-t-technically-get-it-from-sex-you-get-it-from-touching

For your BF

For you both :)

@WCSDancer2010- So funny: I sent my boyfriend Brene Brown's talk on shame when he first told me he'd been diagnosed. It helped me through some of my own issues, and it was one of the things that got us back to talking and eventually back together. I love her work; I re-read Daring Greatly whenever I'm at a turning point in life.

Anyway, thank you all for the advice. Of course you're right, and we did talk last night about how anxious I've been. He said he'd be completely fine with taking a break from sex while I get more comfortable (I have my own issues with trust and shame stemming from a sexual assault, so between the two of us there's always been a lot of emotions going on in the bedroom). I feel better. I did mention this site to him, but he's still not interested, maintaining that herpes isn't a part of his life. Regardless, I may be on here from time to time. I've been browsing and already found a ton of useful stuff. It's really nice to see an online forum full of educated, respectful people instead of the usual horror show you find on the internet.

Just out of curiosity- do any of you have stats on the rate of transmission in discordant couples over extended periods of time (years…decades)? Is it a forgone conclusion that eventually both partners will get it?

I also read a post someone who referred to a number, 3.5, in regard to their diagnosis. Are there varying degrees of severity when you're tested? Or does the virus just read stronger at certain times in its cycle? I've always thought of herpes as a binary state, you either have it or you don't. Is that incorrect?

So much to learn!

Thanks again,

Laura

The stat's basically stay the same over time ... and no, it's not a foregone conclusion that you will get it. There are MANY discordant couples out there where the partner never gets it ... and we are talking about 20+ yr partnerships ... it's a matter of just using common sense precautions (never have sex if EITHER of you have irritation or open sores ... and find other ways to play!) and frankly a little bit of luck sometimes. Keep yourselves as healthy as you can ... a healthy immune system DOES help your body to manage H when you are exposed to the smaller viral shedding days ... so this is a good excuse to work on keeping a good diet and managing stress levels ;).

The "3.5" is important if someone is told they have a positive result but they never had any symptoms ... generally anything over 1.1 is considered "positive" ... but when someone has never had symptoms we suggest they re-test and if it's still under 3.5, that they take the Western Blot because there is a 40% chance of a false positive in the 1.1-3.5 range with asymptomatic testers.

As for Herpes being "binary" - yes - you either have it or you don't ... but each person may get a different viral load to start with AND each person's body may react differently to it, which is why 80% never have symptoms and the other 20% have varying degrees of severity with their experience of OB's and Prodromes....