4 days into this mess... My story so far

Well... I don't even know where to begin. I'm 19. I'm confused. I'm upset. I can't help but ponder endlessly about my future. I'm still waiting on my results but I am 300% positive I have oral and genital herpes. Both thriving as I type this. It's been about 4 days since the first, "Oh my God, what is that?". It's been nothing but agony and tears since. I've been with my boyfriend, Rich, for almost 6 months. He has been a God-sent angel throughout this. He is much older than me and in my eyes, the most beautiful man on the planet.

On January 30th Rich and I walked into my gyno office somewhat nonchalant. We waited for my name to be called, the one time I wouldnt have minded waiting hours in that uncomfortable chair. She called my name. We both walked into the room. I undressed. Waited some more. My fever and aches throughout my body seemed to escalate in those very moments. I saw in Richs eyes the hopeful dread of the answers that would follow. My gyno stepped in... wearing her usual smile. I lied down, warning her of how much pain I was in. Rich scooted his chair over, held my hand as tight as I held his. She slipped her swab into my vaginal hole and I screamed in pain. Rich watched my face as it became drenched with my tears. "It looks like herpes." ...

My heart dropped. My world stopped. Everything had seemed different. My eyes so filled with tears, my head overflowing with questions. My gyno handed me a herpes facts sheet and some prescriptions and that was it. Rich had taken the time to speak to her before she left the room and reiterated to her that he would love me regardless. In the midst of my miserable state I saw this as something I was so incredibly lucky to have. If i were alone in that moment... ugh I cant even think about that.

Rich is going to get tested. We never had a doubt in each others minds that one of us was unfaithful. We have the most loving relationship. However before i had met him, I was pretty promiscuous. And he knows that. A young woman growing up without a supportive father figure has so much to do with my choices Ive made with men. I think about that constantly yet try not to blame.

So much has happened in the past 4 days. So much and so little at the same time. I, probably like most people/women, who've been diagnosed have been on the internet non stop and utterly freaking myself out about this. I've never been in so much pain emotionally and physically. Other peoples stories comfort me yet scare me to death about my future. My sex life, my career, my emotions, my privates. How could I ever be normal? If I have an outbreak, will it feel like this every time? My boyfriend loves rough sex and intimate encounters all the time, will that still be ok? Will sex trigger an ob? What will trigger and ob? I go to the gym alot and am/was before all of this happened am training for fitness competitions. Will i still be able to do that? Even with a vigorous training schedule? What if my outbreaks are frequent? How could I deal with this much emotional stress on a regular basis? I already have issues with my self esteem. My boyfriend says he will never leave me and that Im still beautiful but what if Im miserable everytime I have an outbreak? Could he handle that? Could I? I want to marry him. We live together, have dogs together. I hope and pray this doesnt take over my life.

I told my mother. She doesnt understand the virus and its capabilities but she wasnt upset.

I dont care much for the stigma since Im already with the man Ill marry. Ive told the two people who matter and thats all that will ever need to know.

The stigma goes as far as ones mind will let it. Everyone judges, no matter what. I say that herpes should have a different name and should not be called such an ugly one.

Currently my feelings are, even though I am surrounded by love, I feel alone. I feel scared about my future. I was always excited about my future and its all come to a halt. My career is bartending and Id say its a pretty stressful one so that scares me since ob's tend to happen when ones stressed. My goal to to become a fitness model but I'm scared to train like i use to. I wear tight clothes and workout harder than most at my age. Im not worried about having children because I don't know if I want any.

This first outbreak, I wouldnt wish upon anyone... no one. I have multiple sores, down there and on my lips. I have tonsillitis, my period, and my first wisdom tooth coming in. My main fears are if this will alter my relationship and if I am one of those with multiple outbreaks. I am praying. Hoping I am not. Im trying my hardest to be strong... I have no choice.

Id appreciate any feedback and support. Thank you all

Hey,

I just replied to your other post, but I hadn't seen this one yet. I feel even more connected to you now. Thanks so much for sharing all of that.

I am so happy for you that you have Rich as such a great support. He sounds like an angel. I would've loved to have someone like him through my 1st OB.

My 1st experience of an OB was very much like yours; It was extremely painful. I thought it was a terrible UTI, and I was so wrong. The clinician looked down there and said "it looks like a herpes outbreak." My mind started to race. I was in shock; and my mind immediately started thinking about a guy who I was being intimate with at the time- and thinking that I probably gave herpes to him too. As my mind went crazy, the clinician swabbed me and I've literally never experienced that much pain. It took my breathe away. This goes down as the worst/most shocking day of my life. I was SO fearful of the unknown; much like you.

It's been 9 months now, and I never expected that my life would actually be this awesome. I had the same questions that you did..

"My sex life, my career, my emotions, my privates. How could I ever be normal? If I have an outbreak, will it feel like this every time?"

Your sex life will go back to normal with your boyfriend. As I said in my last post; use lubricant. It will help. Of course there are times where you will have an OB and you'll probably want to hold off on having sex during the OB; but there are other ways you can connect with Rich; sexually and non-sexually.

When it comes to your career; judging from my experience; you're going to be just fine. I work as a nurse, and I feel like I'm stressed out 90% of the time at work. When I had my first OB I thought "There's no freaking way I can do this.. I'm always stressed out.. I'm always going to get OB's.. It's always going to be so painful."

Thankfully I was very wrong. After my 1st OB was over, My next one was waayyyy more mellow. I could actually speedwalk through the halls of work again without dying every step. It was such a drastic difference actually. It's a discomfort more than anything. Not a throbbing, unbearable, stabbing pain anymore.

As for your emotions; It's a lot to go through at 1st. There are so many unknowns. It's all ended up being MUCH easier than I made it out to be at first. I really thought that my life would never be the same. It's been a while now and I still have the same job, the same loving family, and the same supportive friends. Herpes does not get in the way of my life. I still do everything that I was doing before.

Never let a bad week make you feel like you have a bad life.

You will certainly still be able to train for your fitness competitions. I know it seems impossible right now as you go through your 1st outbreak, but trust me.. Herpes will NOT get in the way of your fitness. Just give the 1st OB some time to heal, and you can ease right back into the swing of things with your training.

You asked what if my OB's are frequent? Can i deal with this much stress on a regular basis?" Well- we don't know how frequent your OB's will be, so who knows much you'll have to deal with this. The only reason why I'm saying this is bc I feared the same thing that you are. I was so nervous about the OB's and what I'd have to go through every time. It turns out thought that my OB's are much less frequent than I thought they'd be, and the emotional stress isn't even there anymore. It's just a thing. That's there. And I know will go away in a few days-a week. It's not NEARLY as painful as the 1st OB. I can't stress that enough.

I promise you that Herpes will not take over your life. It's so scary at 1st, and I've come to realize with time that it's just really not a big deal. I know what it's like to think that my life was over; and thankfully I was so wrong.

It sounds like there is so much love and beauty in your life. You have a supportive boyfriend who loves you, and mom who you can open up to about difficult situations, you are strong and fit, and you have a good head on your shoulders. Please don't worry so much and let herpes take over your mind. It's so easy to look at is as such an evil thing; but it really isn't. Sure; it's something that none of us want; but it's not the vicious, devilish virus that I made it out to be. Like Adrial says, it's a skin condition in a sensitive area.

I posted in a blog this week that I realized life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you respond to it. You are in a new situation that's difficult to process at first, and I'm so proud of the way you are handling it. I am glad that you're reaching out to people who can relate and that you're asking questions.

I know that you feel alone and I want to reassure you that you aren't. My heart is pouring love out to you right now. You sound just like me when I had my 1st outbreak (minus the whole fitness model thing-- I WISH!! ;) ) It breaks my heart to think of what you're going through. I promise it gets better.

"Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that.

Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that. "

Martin Luther King, Jr.

I hope that you have found some light to help you through this. and I hope that you are feeling some more love during a 4 days that I know you've hated.

Love,

Katie

Hey,

I feel your pain: the first outbreak is a killer. After mine, I was asking the same questions as you. I had read around the subject and found that many women suffer from monthly outbreaks in the first year. I was on holiday from work when I first had an outbreak and was diagnosed (Happy New Year to me!) and was terrified of going through that pain again EVER, let alone possibly every month.

I do, however, have some good news for you. While I have been unlucky enough to have been one of those once-a-month ladies, none of my subsequent bouts have been ANYTHING like that first one. In fact, often I haven't really been 100% sure if it has been an outbreak or just a random spot, so I have erred on the side of caution (read: paranoia!). My point is that most of the time, my outbreaks have been so mild as to have been negligible.

Also, I too am very physically active and wear tight exercise clothes- I am a pole dance teacher, so not just tight but small too! Herpes does not need to get in the way of fitness. You may feel uncomfortable about it to start with, but it's more psychological than anything: will this make it worse, will it hurt, will that trigger it? I assure you that once you are past this first one, it will get easier and you can start regaining your confidence. You have an incredibly supportive partner - I'm not going to say you are lucky; I'm sure you've earned that relationship. To call it luck diminishes how much you probably deserve it. Treasure him, accept that you have a mildly inconvenient skin condition, get out there and grab life by the balls!

Xxx

hey,

i feel as if you and i can relate on certain things. im 20, ive dealt with this since i was 16 years old. i can connect with you on the level of my father being absent while i was growing up or being there for me and being the man in my life, and i always wonder if maybe he was a part of my life , maybe that night i went out and got raped, that maybe it all wouldnt of had happened. but i cant always think about that and think "what if" because its over and done with. ill never forget the day i was told i have herpes. i mean i was so young, i was terrified and at that age you really feel like your life is over at that moment, i only had sex with my ex, like i felt as if it was all taken away from me now, your so lucky you have your boyfriend who still accepts you for who you are, your no different, your just as amazing and beautiful, dont ever let this virus make you feel any less than you what you truly are. im not going to lie, yes it will make you feel like shit at times, but thats okay, its just a whole process of healing with yourself. im so glad to hear that your boyfriend is there for you, i wish i had that, i'd be so thankful. ive never felt so lonely in my life, i thought nothing could beat my fathers disappearance, but this, this sure has beat it, ive never been so lonely. its like a double whammy, like my father isnt there for me and i always wanted a guy to take his place but it seems nearly impossible now that i have herpes. but i can also relate with you about the gym, im very into it and go 6-7 days a week and work with trainers, the gym is the one place that keeps me sane and takes my mind off things and makes me feel good about myself. but ob for everyone are so different, i feel as if im very sensitive own there, i feel like i use to never get outbreaks but lately i feel like i get them all the time, i take a daily medication for about a month and a half now, so i guess im starting to feel better, i think its all in my head, but with the sex topic, it may be sensitive or it may not, it depends, but use a lubricant, if your too rough on it and its kind of dry, it might irritate it, at least it has for me and then ill be in the worst pain and sometimes it causes an outbreak cause of the friction. im still learning and ive had this for 4 years, its just a process, but dont let herpes ruin your future, people make it out to be this horrible thing when all it is, is a BLISTER ! yes its painful, but it goes away, people dont get that and yes its always dormant in your body, but it doesnt mean your some disgusting creature. even though thats what people make out to be, but people should really educate themselves on it, because if they did then i feel like us, the people who have it wouldnt be so hard on ourselves, but then again people are so harsh and judgemental nowadays... if you ever need someone to talk to, im here to talk and help. i hope your feeling better ! just dont beat yourself over it, all of us here understand !

xo

Your story really spoke to me because I am young too , younger than you I'm 16. My first outbreak was kind of like the one you described and the feelings as well. I had lots of support from my mom and Bestfriend ( not so much my partner) but still felt as if I was alone. the thing that really got me through the pain was to just think about and realize that life goes on and that herpes won't control your life if you don't let it. Also knowing that the first outbreak is the worst and that it does get easier as time goes on . I really hope that you stay strong , you can get through this .. We all did

Xoxo YoungOne ❤