shocked female

I know I have herpes. The blood test said negative but i believe the antibodies haven't built up. The doctor is pretty sure it's herpes. I will have to retest. About six days later I went in with some bumps. I prayed it was just yeast or an allergic reaction. But the lesions were also on my cervix. The pain is horrific. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. It hurt to sit, stand, walk, pee, or just be! Crying in the bathtub, praying to God, why me. I know, really dramatic, but it hurt!

I was with my ex for two years. We were still friends, and we had sex a year after that. During the time we were together, there were no STDs. He said he's never had one in his life. I thought I knew him and his history. If only I would have known how easily it spreads ... I had to tell him. He claims no way he has anything. Really? I must have got it from thin air. How could i have been in so much pain, and him, nothing! I made a mistake by sleeping with him. This mistake I guess will just keep reminding me. And to think i used to make fun of women I thought were whores, and although i'm not promiscuous, I sure feel like the whore, and they prob have nothing, or something curable. F my life, at least for now.

Lucky, I TOTALLY know everything you are thinking and feeling. I've felt everything you are thinking.  So let me just address a couple things for you to maybe help. :)

I know what it feels like to be in the "myth" that because you are not promiscuous you are then immune from getting anything.  I never had sex outside of a committed relationship and well ... here I am. However, you are taking the first step and reaching out; such a great way to start!  Immerse yourself in knowledge about your virus, and I promise you will find peace with it.  Maybe not right away, but it will come.  In the meantime, be patient with yourself ... do what feels manageable ... and if nothing feels like that, then eat ice cream and watch a suspense movie! No romantic movies for a while! Stick with comedies, mysteries and suspense to keep you engaged. Distractions can help at first! Lets take a little look at what H could mean for you!

1. If you are taking baths, that is good for soothing symptoms. Just be sure they are cool baths or luke warm, never hot during an outbreak; it can make your symptoms worse. 

2. Gone are the days of "casual sex."  That can feel annoying, like a piece of our sexuality has been taken. But now it just means that your relationships will have so much more contentedness and meaning because the guy will be there for YOU not just for your vagina!

3. Manage stress (doesn't sound so bad). I have found learning deep breathing and yoga techniques helps me manage stress.

4. Herpes thrives on bad health, so let's be sure you are building up that immune system girl! Drink tons of water, work out until you think you might puke, listen to music REALLY loud, and get plenty of sleep. :) 

Kinda funny when you think about what some of this means, just means you are being extra healthy!  I guarantee you: this will come full circle and you WILL feel better.  The more you know, the more peace will come.  This might mean nothing to you right now I know, BUT it's all true!  Let me know if I can help in any way!

I get the anger in your post, luckyme. I've been there. I know the feeling well. I got herpes from my then-girlfriend who didn't know she had it. Ignorance might be bliss, but sometimes ignorance is a bitch.

Ultimately, find a way to truly forgive yourself for this happening. Shed the self-blame and shame. Beating yourself up doesn't do any good (it may feel like somehow you deserve it, but you don't!) ... Join a support group to get all this stuff out in the open, because moving past all this means experiencing your feelings in a safe and healthy way.

FYI, what you're going through is perfectly normal — not only normal, but healthy! It's all part of the herpes healing process. If you don't have a local support group, please join us for our over-the-phone herpes support group. We call it (h) group. Click here to check it out. It's all about support, acceptance and connecting with others who know what you're going through. You're not alone in this! Hang in there. You got this. 

ElleMN, you are so right. I found out I had herpes when I slept with my second partner, not sure exactly when I got it. Obviously I've always told my partners after that, therefore I've never just had casual sex. But I often wonder if I would have been promiscuous if I hadn't gotten it. Herpes CAN be a blessing in disguise. It keeps me in check, you know?

Thank you for these words, i will definitely take some time to digest this information.

Luckyme, read all the posts in this forum. Seriously - there's lots of wisdom here and lots of pain. Both help me sweep out the dark corners of my psyche where my resentment live.

I just finished fml's posts a few minutes ago (different thread) and I wanted to crawl under the covers where she's been hiding and hold her while she bawls her eyes out. I felt so sad reading her story and thought it was so courageous of her to share her rage with all of us.

And then I thought about me - how could I have such compassion for fml and be so mean to myself for years about the same exact condition? I would *never* be mean to anyone in the real world like I was to myself...the horrible self-messages I sent to myself. Reading fml's story (and others) remind me where I need to show compassion to myself and how to soften my self-judgment into a greater kindness.

MplsMan